reasons why I should never be allowed to direct a production of Hamlet
I am not qualified in any way
I would make Rosencrantz and Guildenstern be making out all the time. Like it would be the running gag. Every moment they were on stage theyâd be making out and when one of them had a line theyâd have to disentangle while all the other characters impatiently waited. Yes this includes them walking on or off stage.
Polonius has to nod aggressively at everything Claudius or Gertrude ever says to the point where he looks like a bobble head. This is what gives him away behind the curtain, heâs nodding so hard Hamlet can see it
Hamlet is a fucking tease and almost gives Horatio a blowjob while convincing him to spy on Claudius during the play (trust me, the dialogue works for this, itâd be hilarious) But like it would be an intense moment while theyâre hidden away in the âbackstageâ of the play thatâs about to be put on and Hamlet is like literally on his knees begging for help in a sexy kind of way, yknow?
Surprise musical number during the intermission and if you have to pee thatâs just too bad and youâve missed it
The play actually starts with the last part of the last scene. yeah the one where everyoneâs already dead and Fortinbras and Horatio are saying they need to haul the bodies up to show to people and tell the story of what happened here. So its like you, the audience, are the people of Denmark. You, the audience, witnessed a tragedy. And now, the characters are going to tell you the story of how things came to be this way. So actually the story never ends, its a cycle of people making bad decisions and dying and others trying to warn you about it but its too late because theyâre already making those bad decisions again. And you, the audience, are complicit in this.
