alyce & mark

The Vows are said, now what? Feel free to drop us a line at [email protected]

[afterthevows]

I'm back.. mostly.

So, I've missed the ease of posting to tumblr. So I'm mostly back. Meaning I'm going to cross post here and at my other blog. 

I realize it's been a while since I've posted... sorry. I apparently am a lot better about posting the random things of my life when I'm using tumblr.

I shouldn't be posting now. I should be studying, since I have a test tonight. But I find I can't focus, so I turn to you, blogosphere, in hopes that if I get out what's in my head I'll be able to focus on my studies.

So an Update. I have finally and officially started my graduate degree in Marriage and Family therapy through Liberty University. Thus far it's pretty awesome.

We (mark and I) just got back from a week long, intensive class that I had to go to Liberty's campus for. Mark, being the most awesome, and caring husband EVAR!!! came with me. Which meant he spent a lot of time playing video games, though he did do some hiking and town exploration. Guys, you don't know what kind of awesome-sauce (HE's the MOTTS!) guy I married. I'm going to take a moment to brag truthfully on him, since sometimes I give him a jokingly hard time. He spent most of this week on his own, but was always ready and willing to do whatever I needed this week. Couldn't get dinner because we had a group project that kept us busy till 9 or 10pm? No problem, he had dinner ready and waiting for me AND a friend! He got up every morning when I got up and dropped me off at class (except the one morning I was all, NO STAY HERE AND REST YOU WONDERFUL AWESOME MAN! I"LL CATCH A RIDE WITH MY FRIEND OR THE SHUTTLE!) He'd pick me up everyday (and some of my friends) and was always happy to do it. Not once did he say anything about being bored, or having nothing to do. AND (get ready to be jealous women of the world) He'd listen to me complain, expound, or rave about what I was learning, what I wasn't learning, what I was doing, what was frustrating me, et cetera. Yeah, I know. I got a good one.

I had less than zilch time for anything other than school. They call it an intensive for a reason. I learned a some about myself. ( I don't like not knowing why I do things, and if you ask I'll snark an answer to give myself time to think about why I did something.) I learned that I can be a good advice giver, but I can also be a good listener and that those things are not the same to me. (THANKS mom for teaching me to listen and not to always try to fix things.)

I know that as I reflect and watch my video counseling sessions I will realize I learned a lot of things, but as of know it was a great confirmation experience. I am on the right path, and I doing what God wants me to do, and it will all be ok. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

This week also really helped solidify what I want to do with my career. And I got some great encouragement from others about my goals, which was fantastic, since I hadn't shared my goals with many people because I was afraid it would make them uncomfortable. (NEWSFLASH: it has made some people I've told uncomfortable. You know who you are.)

But, I want to be a Christian Sex therapist. I want to get my Doctorate in Human Sexuality. I want to do marital and premarital counseling. I want to help Christian couples of the physical (and emotional) intimacy God desires for them. I don't want them to continue in their marriages with the baggage that the Church (as an institutional whole) tends to leave people with regarding sex. Who knows maybe one day, I'll even be an educational speaker about sex from a Christian perspective.

I learned this week that if I'm being graded on my interaction as a counselor, I'm going to be so in my head that I'll be nervous and worried and not 100% focused on my 'client' but that if I don't feel that I'm being graded or judged, then I can focus wholly on my client. One on One I'm not fearful, that I can rest in Christ and trust that no matter what I say, it will be what needs to be heard.

But throw in a teacher/observer, and I'm worried about what they will think and did I say the right things? Did I listen well enough?

But you know what, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if they would say something different, they weren't counseling. What matters is did I do what Christ would have me do.

[afterthevows]

Moving

I'm moving this blog to blogspot. Not because I dint like you guys here in tumblr.I love you. But the reason I started this blog was for friends and family. Almost none of whom have tumblr and find it confusing. I'll still have my main blog here (wanderingaz.tumblr.com) and any one who wants to keep reading updates for afterthevows can find me at afterthevow.blogspot.com

[afterthevows]

Alyce: *low guttural beastly burp*

Mark: *blink blink*

Alyce: oh Lord....I'm sorry *slightly embarrassed*

Mark: what was that?

Alyce: I think Satan just tried to crawl his way out of my stomach and up my esophagus.......

[afterthevows]

Community and Confessions

These past two/three ish weeks, I've been in a terrible funk. I've been cranky and moody. Poor Mark, he's handled it like a trooper and so sweetly. Even though I've not been very nice to him sometimes. I had chalked it up to being tired from getting used to a new work schedule and from all the sinus issues these almost ongoing stream of pressure fronts has brought along. And those things probably helped with the funk.

But maybe it was more than that. Today was the first Sunday I've been in a corporate worship service in 2-3 weeks. The nursery was woefully understaffed the past 2-3 weeks at church and I was asked if i Could out out with all three morning services. Of course I said yes. If they asked and I hadn't volunteered to do it before hand it meant they were really really understaffed and I'm not the type of person who can say no to that.  By the time the evening service rolled around I was usually to tired to go. I justified not attending because I had listened to a sermon by Dr. Adrian Rogers during the afternoon and I was making sure I was fellowship with other believers through our Tuesday night small group. My first clue should have been I was justifying myself. Hindsight, man, it's always 20/20.

So I was sitting in service today and I just felt better. It was refreshing and rejuvenating. I may feel that I get more "meat" out of a sermon by Dr. Rogers. (seriously, look him up via Love Worth Finding or oneplace.org) than I do at Crosspoint, but corporate worship adds a whole different layer to worshiping Christ. (Side note: to me corporate worship includes all of a service. Songs, sermon,offering, the whole shebang.) There is just a wonderful sense of community that I found spiritually and soulfully invigorating.

Oddly enough, Pete's message today was on community and what Crosspoint believes about community. Apparently God really wanted me to thing about this today.

I crave community, and if we are honest I think we will admit we all crave community. That's the one thing I really missed about Home (childhood) through out college and moving to Nashville after I got married; the community I had. 

Crosspoint puts a lot of emphasis on Love. So most of the Sermon was on how loving like Jesus Loved was an integral part of Biblical Community, which I'm not denying. Pete's 3 main points were:

Biblical Community is Intentionally Intrusive                        A) Celebrate others with out reservation. (IE> they are great, but...)                                                                                      B) Speak the Truth in Love

Christ centered

Grace Guided                                                                                   Two Reasons We settle for less than authentic, biblical community  A) Overwhelming busyness                                                              B) Underwhelming intentions.

Two of these points really spoke to me today. Well, 1 1/2. Being Intentionally Intrusive and Underwhelming Intention (you don't fall into community, you pursue it.)

I find that Nashville is a hard place to build Biblical Community. Partially because I'm an introvert, so I don't do well in large groups of people and I tend to wait for other people to make the first move because I don't want to intrude, or put them out, or be a nuisance. This also means I have trouble being emotionally open with people that I don't consider close or trustworthy with my emotions. Ironically, I have no trouble being upfront with people about myself and my struggles, but I find it hard to emotionally connect with most people. 

The other issue is Nashville is a Great Community City. Sorta. It's kind of these half vagrant half stable community thing going on. With so many schools and the music industry half the people live on a migratory pattern so it's hard to build lasting, stable relationships. But of the stable, or semi-stable (touring musicians are semi-stable) within each of the industries there is a tight-knit secular community. Some of these people will share your beliefs, some won't, but they all know each other (mostly) and you can count on them to help you out, or hang out, or whatever. But really it's a shadow of real community. All of these people are great people, but they aren't people you are intentionally going to let be intrusive and gritty with your life. I can't lean on them or trust them to tell me "hey, what you said there, that's not Loving" "what you did there, was not Christ-like" I can't count on them (as a whole) to help me become more like Christ.  

As far as Christian Community goes though, other people don't want you in their lives. They have their private lives and their social lives and most people don't really want you in their private lives. They don't want you to know their sins and to lovingly point it out as sin. And if they don't mind you knowing their sins, they don't want you pointing it out. They want you to be ok with it, because "it's who they are" or "it's what makes them happy" et cetera. This of course is directly contrary to how Christians are supposed to act, we are called to "confess our sins to one another..." (james 5:16)

Honestly, this, and this isn't me trying to by holier than thou,miss goody two shoes, this is me trying to be honest and real. I want that. I want a group of people that I can go to and say. "you know, this week I really struggled with loving my husband as Christ loves him. I was angry and short with him for pretty much no fault of his own" and know that  they aren't going to judge me, but say "been there. Here's the verses I read when I was going through it that really helped me out." I want community that isn't afraid to point out when I'm living contrary to God's design, who aren't afraid to confront me with Christ centeredness and Grace. Who will celebrate my triumphs and mourn my losses. And above all I want to be that person for other people. 

Community like that doesn't just happen thought. You have to intentionally seek it out. You can't just, I can't just sit back and let others make the first move because you don't want to be a bother. I have to be honest, real, loving, and full of God's Grace to people first, because maybe they are looking for the same thing, they are just waiting for someone else to make the first move.

[afterthevows]

Mark got to see his absolute favorite old car. Talbot lago. This is a thing apparently.  Lots if beautiful cars I'll upload some more pics later

[afterthevows]

Spontaneous date day! With Mark I think we are gonna go to the Frist, but who knows.

[afterthevows]

I walked into a beautifully clean kitchen and living room today. I caught a good one!

[afterthevows]

Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I act like a child and feel the need to take a pen and mark on Mark. I know it’s stupid and goofy but I just can’t help myself. Mark always, patiently lets me do it too.

[afterthevows]

Me: how do you know when rice is golden? (As I am stirring the rice I'm Sauteing)

Mark: when it's silent.

[afterthevows]

Those who value unity over truth have missed the point.

Adrian Rogers

[afterthevows]

Of Honeymoon Phases and Marital Fights.

Mark and I have been married for about a year and a half now. People keep telling us we are still newlyweds and we are, I'm not denying that. But they tell me this like it's something I don't know and like it's something Mark and I will grow out of. I really hope not. My parents never really grew out of it. I don't see any reason as to why we should and it makes me sad to see people who have let themselves grow out of that newlywed feeling.

The other thing I get a lot (Like all the time) is "So how's married life?" 50% of people are asking with pure intentions; they truly want to know how married life is going for us. The other half ask, almost as if they want to hear how hard it's been, or how much we fight of that I'm just not sure it's going to work out between us. You can see the disappointment when I tell them everything's great. We are loving it. We don't really fight. Disappointment quickly bleeds into skepticism. They think that I'm putting on a shiny porcelain fake veneer so that it looks like we have a perfect marriage.  But, you know what? It's true. I'm not saying we don't have difficulties. We do. I'm sure that I annoy the fire out of Mark over stuff, and he equally annoys the fire out of me over things. Be we don't really fight.

I have been blessed with a husband who views fighting the way I do. It's pointless; achieving nothing.  We both would rather sit down and talk about it, because we both know that it's probably a perception thing. We get snippy with each other, but we are both quick to apologize. Just because I'm in a bad mood doesn't give me the right to react out of my mood and take it out on him. And he is quick to point out that I'm taking my feelings out on him. Don't worry I'm just as quick to point it out to him. In love of course. Not just "Hey! just because your mad at "x" doesn't mean you get to take it out on me!" more like, "I understand that "x" is frustrating you, but being snippy with me isn't going to help this situation."

We both are also willing to compromise. I can't always be right and have my way and neither can he. Sometimes I just have to suck up my personal feelings and do things he wants to do, because I love him and it won't kill me to sit through a Star Trek Episode when I'd rather watch Doctor Who (or Scrubs) (aside: He loves me a whole lot and hasn't asked me to watch a Star Trek episode with him in a very long time. Though I would watch them with him if he wanted me too.) Or go to a Board Game night with Friends when I'd rather go home and take a bath and avoid people. He sometimes stays home with me when I'm not feeling like going out, when he'd rather go out with friends because he loves me and he understands that sometimes you just have to put aside what you want or feel and do what the other person needs.

Why can we be this way with each other? Because Jesus. That's why. We both, honestly, tend to focus more on our personal walks with Christ than we do focusing on each other. This is what the difference is in our marriage. Jesus makes it easy. When I'm focusing Christ and making sure I'm being obedient to what Christ is telling me and living how Christ wants me to live everything with Mark just sorta falls into place. When I'm living as one with the Holy Spirit my words and reactions are what Mark needs. When Mark is living the same way, Mark doesn't take the hard things I tell him personally, but as Godly admonishing, and vice versa.

It's a paradox, but by focusing less on Mark, I'm able to be exactly what Mark needs. 

Of course we are human, I assure you. I get my feelings hurt sometimes. (Mark learned quickly that because I say I want to lose weight doesn't mean he gets to say things about my weight no matter how helpful he thinks he's being. And I learned that those things that I say offhandedly as a joke, or just being silly means more to Mark than I realize. I.E. "I've just always love you more than you've loved me" and what not.)

And we DO annoy each other to no end.  Mark is TERRIBLE with time management and prioritizing. (having the toaster oven looking brand new is not the best use of your time when the entire kitchen is a mess and we have people coming over)  I don't like attempting things I might fail at or not be able to do perfectly. ( Oh, I can't get the entire kitchen clean in the time I have? well then I'm not going to do any of it. Or oh you want me to try this thing? let me spend 6 months researching it.) Because of this tendency I get easily overwhelmed when I'm tired and there is a lot to do. This tends to cause mini-meltdowns in which I tend to open up a can (or you know bucket) of crazy at Mark. He usually realizes that this crazy is coming from A) I need a Nap, or B) I need something to eat. So he politely, lovingly, and patiently tells me to sit down for 30min and not do anything. Because he knows if I do I'll either Fall asleep (for 3 hours) or realize how hungry I am and get something to eat. I'm waiting for the day he hands me a Snickers bar and tells me "You're not You when you're hungry."

However, we don't dwell on those moments where we are living as humans. Those moments happen, we work through them, apologize when needed, and move on. So if you ask how we are doing as a couple and one of those moments isn't fresh, I might remember it happened; I might not. If I do remember and we've moved passed it, I'm not going to bring it up, because we've moved past it and fellowship has been restored.  More likely than not you're going to ask me on a day where I've been thinking about how lucky I am to have him. How sometimes I just look at him and think how beautiful he is both outwardly and inwardly. How sometimes I look at him and my heart is just filled with so much love that if I don't hug him I'm going to pop. (FYI, I finally get why my mom would, out of the blue, just bear hug me and say, "Sometimes I just need to hug you!") Or you'll catch me just thinking, "I sure do love that man," like I was the other night while I was driving. How each day I love him a little more. How he makes me laugh. How he brings out my childish goofy side that I don't let out very often. (except around him. I let it out a lot around him... sorry Mark...) When you catch me in those moments how can I not tell you that everything is going great? Those moments outweigh our human bickering moments. More importantly, I don't want people to see Mark through my fleeting moments of hurt or anger or perturbance. I want people to see him the way I see him when I'm thinking how lucky I am. I want them to see him at his best, because his best is truly fantastic and amazing. 

And besides, focusing on the good makes you appreciate the good and look for the good. Why would I want to dwell on our shortcomings? Dwelling on those would make me notice those more and that's a short slide to a rocky relationship from there.

[afterthevows]

Mom: my feet hurt, my tail is cold, and my nose is cold! Me thinking: I love my mom, she so awesome working in a 101 Dalmations quote into life like a boss. Mom: maybe it's because I haven't had a good murder today....

[afterthevows]

Got to celebrate a dear friends wedding today. Took a moment to grab a shot of her shoes. I love weddings, they are perfect to take time to reflect on my own and why I married my man.

[shufflingforward-blog]

This is going to be a personal post - something that I never really do, because, in the great words of Jesse McCartney, “I do what I can not to put my business in the streets." But the main reason I kept this blog was to keep memories of my life so I could look back one day and say, “Yeah, that...

[afterthevows]

I was going to reply to this privately.... But turns it I'm just to wordy, go figure....

Hang in there sweetie. The first year is hard, but it gets better.

Have you thought about a Sun lamp while your in your current state? I have a friend with seasonal depression and its worked wonders for her.

Don't put to much pressure on y'all. Life doesn't become instantly better and what you imagined it when you get married. You still have to live life, but now you have to live it with another human who wasn't raised like you.

Don't settle for ordinary, extraordinary marriages don't just happen you have to choose them every day. And do something fun but silly in the you do get together. I hope you get to move to a state more suited to you soon!

[art-is-quite-useless-deactivate]

People never get that when I argue with them, I’m not mad, I just love debating.

Everyone’s so sensitive these days…

[afterthevows]

Story of my life...

[afterthevows]

Y’all, my husband can identify espresso machines like your guy can identify cars! I’m not joking when say he is a coffee snob, not even a little bit.

[afterthevows]

I've taken to burning lavender oil at night in the bedroom. The other night the candle just went out I was to lazy to get up and see why just chalked it up to a faulty tea light. The next evening I went to light out before bed and this is what I found. Guess he blew the candle out.