Against Shame

This blog is a place to talk about disability, ableism and shame. Vent, talk about how you cope, offer sympathy. Mod is autistic so most posts are ND-related but all disabilities are welcome. About page here.

[cr-pplepunx]

if youre considering using a mobility aid, youre probably thinking about getting a cane. even if it seems like youre issues arent bad enough, you should probably still consider other mobility aids. please look into the pros and cons of several different mobility aids, especially in conjunction with your specific disability/diagnosis/needs.

i got a cane at first because i thought my issues were "mild" and therefore i needed a "mild" mobility aid. but canes are moreso for stability than support. i damaged my wrist and worsened my scoliosis by deciding to use a cane without an educated opinion.

i now use forearm crutches primarily, a rollator for longer outings, and a wheelchair for worse days and longer events. dont make the same mistake as 16-year-old me. dont choose your mobility aid based on palatability, consider your needs and address your internalized ableism if need be.

[bananasfostergrants2]

Use the shower chair.

"Other disabled people have it worse than me"

Use the shower chair.

"It's really not that bad I can stick it out"

Use the shower chair.

"I don't want to seem weak"

Use the shower chair.

"I don't want people to think of me differently"

Use the Goddamn Shower Chair.

[saintjosie]

i am disabled and i didn’t realize it until i was 31.

and the way that i learned that i was disabled was when a friend of mine tagged me in a tweet that was asking for recommendations for disabled queer and trans poc creators.

when i saw that tag my immediate reaction was to dm them and say, “thanks for the tag! i’m not disabled tho”.

and right before i hit send it suddenly dawned on me

the cocktail of mental illnesses that have plagued me my entire life, that have caused me to spend countless days in bed unable to function, that have necessitated that i try twice as hard to keep up with my peers, that have caused me to struggle in school, that have caused me to lose jobs, that have caused me to lose friends, that have caused others to mock me, that have been the source of so many tears, that have been the source of so much self loathing

ARE disabilities.

and the only reason i didn’t see them that way was because of internalized ableism.

i didn’t hit send. i sat down and cried. i cried tears of rage and frustration for all the times my parents, partners, friends, teachers, and bosses told me that i just needed to try a little harder. i mourned for my inner child who spent so many days crying alone because they felt broken. and i cried from relief because i finally understood

it’s not my fault. it never was.

[lessonstobelearned]

There needs to be more allowance for disabled people to be angry. People want us to be somber and quiet. Sad at our condition and how hard life is. And yeah that’s allowed. But we’re also allowed to be fucking pissed off. People don’t help, people infantilise, governments don’t supply enough support, places aren’t accessible. This isn’t momentary. This is forever. There are so many things we can’t do and so many things we can’t be. Life isn’t fair. It likely won’t get fair enough for most to be comfortable. Yeah, I’m grieving, I’m sad, but I’m also FUCKING ANGRY.

[smadeleine42]

Honestly, out of all the shitty things my disability causes, I think the isolation might be killing me the most. Spending weeks on end in my room, only leaving for doctor appointments or going for drives where I have to stay in the car cause I’m too sick to walk in the stores. Having one friend and struggling to talk or god forbid hang out. I used to think I loved being alone, but when it no longer becomes a choice, it starts to feel like a cage. I’m just terrified that this will be my forever. That I’ll remain alone in this room, rotting, till the day I die.

[enjolrashisace]

Most times I hate being chronically ill and disabled. I hate needing more rest. I hate needing mobility aids. I hate needing special treatment

But then Loena, my queer platonic girlfriend, and I are doing groceries and she's pushing my chair with her motor on and it's like "cho cho we're a train"

It comes with so much grief but also silly little joyful moments we create ourselves

[againstshame]

I finally got a medication that helps with my chronic illness and I feel like I should be grateful but in a way it's worse than not having anything? I can do more now but I still don't have a proper diagnosis so it's like it could be taken away at any time? My insurance could stop covering the meds. The meds could just stop working. I don't know why they are working, my doctor was surprised that they did anything. Before, I was just trying to survive, I wasn't thinking about the future. I didn't really realize how bad my symptoms had gotten until I got relief, now it's like the only thing I can think about is what if I lose this?

.

[echologname]

AuDHD Frustration

The most frustrating part about being disabled is that you have to constantly excuse your faults and accept yourself as you are. You wish you could just magically make yourself have your life all together but no matter how hard you try, you just don't. I can't drive, I forget to eat or charge my phone, I lose my glasses at least once every day, every "good decision" I make ends up being the wrong one, somehow time and money don't have the same meaning to everyone else, and you have no idea why things are so much harder for you and you don't know how to make them any easier for yourself. Other people have the privilege of being frustrated with you for as little time as they want but you're stuck with yourself 24/7 for your entire life, so, because I have to life with myself, I have to just let go anything about myself that hasn't been going the way I want it to.

[steamandcream]

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

[cripplerage-deactivated20260121]

As a wheelchair user I'm trying to reframe my language for "being in the way."

"I'm in the way," "I can't fit," and "I can't go there," is becoming "there's not enough space," "the walkway is too narrow," and "that place isn't accessible."

It's a small change, but to me it feels as if I'm redirecting blame from myself to the people that made these places inaccessible in the first place. I don't want people to just think that they're helping me, I want them to think that they're making up for someone else's wrongdoing. I want them to remember every time I've needed help as something someone else caused.

[uncanny-tranny]

It's so, so hard to resist feeling like your disability/disabilities are a punishment for your failure or a punishment because you are Fundamentally Bad.

I tip my hat and offer space in my heart for everybody currently struggling with that dynamic. We can talk all day about how shitty and inaccurate the "disabilities are a punishment!" is, but it doesn't always prevent you from buying into it. So many people want desperately not to be struggling or in pain, even if it means blaming yourself. It's hard to accept that sometimes, disabilities just... happen. They just happen no matter what we do, no matter if we were "good" or "bad."

I hope that one day, you will be able to be more at peace with your disability/disabilities. For now, though, take it at your pace. You do not have to love yourself, but you also do not have to hate yourself. You deserve the world, and I want to see you in this world thriving no matter what that looks like.

[98lindsey]

I was diagnosed with pots when people still thought it meant I was smoking too much weed. I had to intricately explain the disorder to every doctor and nurse I encountered. I spent years looking for treatments and reasons behind why I was sick. I found nothing. Now, everyone knows what it is.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad it’s more known and diagnosis is easier for people now. But I’m also really jealous that people are understood so easily. I wish it could have been like that for me.

I’m also having to end my journey to get a service dog because I’m now too sick to take care of one. But in the beginning the idea of a pots alert dog was very unknown and super rare. Now I see a pots alert dog every time I go on Facebook or TikTok. 7 years later I have no service dog and I’m now diagnosed with some other disorder people don’t know about.

I see people living their lives with pots and I’m so jealous because when I was diagnosed I was forced to end my life as I knew it and change my path. There were no accommodations or understanding people that could help me. So many people thought I was faking or exaggerating and wouldn’t take me seriously. I’m glad it’s better for other people but I still wish it would have been easier for me.

[prinxe-with-no-crown]

the word "need", when applied to my mobility and things surrounding it, makes my brain go weird.

the easiest explanation as to why that is is as follows: people need food to live. i need my cane to walk without pain in my knees (oversimplified but not really relevant). i dont need my cane to walk.

i can walk without my cane. thats what ive been doing for something like twenty years (i dont know when i learned to), until i got myself one (and then later found out that able bodied people dont feel tired after less than an hour of walking or standing up). it is possible for me to walk without my cane, ergo, i dont need my cane to walk. i need it to walk without pain (again, an oversimplified sentence, but it shows what i mean).

the thing that most frequently makes this brain spiral appear is public transport. i am genuinely trying to word this one with gentleness to myself, but really, there arent a lot of ways to say "even on the best days, when i walk without my cane, i will take it out of my backpack when getting on a bus or a metro train, so that someone will see that i have it and let me have their seat". there is no malice, yet when i do this, the only things i can think about myself are "manipulative" and "guilt-tripping".

even on the worst days, i can stand in public transport, without falling over. its not pleasant, but i can do without one. ergo, the way i think of the word "need", i dont need a seat.

and i dont really have a conclusion to that spiral of thought; i wish i did, but i dont.

[ramyeongif]

ADHD

[the-implications-are-fascinating]

ID:

A twitter post by Sam Dylan Finch, @samdylanfinch, reading:

ADHD involves so many micromoments of shame. Stepping over the pile of laundry. Re-remembering the bill you still haven’t paid. The sink full of dishes and the fridge leftovers lurking in the back.

The small but recurring “I should have” is cumulative and it’s painful.

[newsmutproject]

I also have sexy intimate knickers designed specifically for ostomates. They are high-waisted, with an internal pocket that my stoma bag is in to keep it secure, and there is a slit in the crotch so you can have penetrative sex without taking them off. I wore these like protective armor every time we had sex for the first few months, worrying that without them I wouldn’t feel sexy or look attractive to my partner. Then I decided to take the plunge and not put them on. I wanted to have sex with my bag on show, not held down and covered by material.

I held my breath, waiting for the sound of disgust from my partner. I’d grossly misjudged him–of course he didn’t react like that! He was not interested in the slightest that I had my shit bag; he still found me attractive, and most of all he still wanted to have sex.

Since then…I still have my intimacy knickers because I feel sexy in them, but I don’t hide behind them anymore.

-Anonymous, in Every Body: An Open and Honest Look at Sex from Every Angle

[kakitysax]

Does anyone else still struggle with internalized ableism (particularly about autism and social rules) so so bad despite knowing what it is and knowing that it's bullshit?

I just still loathe myself so completely for everything I do and love and enjoy that isn't normal. And I see autistic and autistic-coded characters on TV just. Being so, so embarrassing and humiliating and shameful (liking weird things in weird ways and being weird) and I am embarrassed for them and for myself and I hate them and I hate myself so so much.

But the reason they're ON tv and like that is because the world is getting kinder and teaching how to love and support people like that (people like me) but I'm just. Stuck here. Being so hard on myself for no reason and disgusted on a subconscious level with everyone who isn't or who can't be. And I don't think it's ever gonna get better.

[allthinky]

“Many of us were taught from a young age that care, softness, and healing were for other people, and we needed to just make it work. We sit in legacies of scarcity, survival, and deep, unpacked grief that sometimes make people bitter and enraged when they see someone asking, as if they have a goddamn right to, for a chair, a moment, a bathroom that works.” Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha, Care Work (2018), 129-130.