MY STORY, MY DECISIONS.

We are all different, we all have a bit of insanity inside of us.

[agirlsdiarylife]

After three years is anyone still using tumblr? it’s been ages!! 😂

[agirlsdiarylife]

Its been quite a long time for me to start writing again. Its my own kind of diary. So Im not hoping you accept it.

My fwb (the one I thought I truly loved) has a girlfriend and this time made me heal, and analyze that not him BUT men are my weakness.

I was doing great, I felt great this few months as I focused on loving myself, accepting my mistakes and healing the wounds. But after everytime I hook up with a guy I feel destabilized.

3 am thoughts

[agirlsdiarylife]

How can I make him fall in love with me?

My friend with benefits has feelings for me, I’m pretty sure of that, but how can I make him forget about his pride and give me a chance to be his girlfriend?

We would make a really good couple, and many people told me they think he has deep feelings for me, it’s not as 6 years doesn’t mean anything.

Any ideas?

[agirlsdiarylife]

Nothing changes after 5 years

After years and years of telling you my friend with benefits relationship is over and telling you it was fucked up, I have to tell you we are still on it.

Some part of me will always wonder what if? What if he could consider me as a girlfriend material? What if he finds another girl? What if I found a guy for me but I’m afraid to let him go?

I dont want to loose him, but after so many years (since 2013 to be exact) would the relationship last more? Are we going to keep this forever? When is it going to stop? But, what if I dont want it to end?

[agirlsdiarylife]

Anger and revenge.

I hate this feeling of feeling rejected by many guys so I decided to get my own kind of revenge: become irresistible to them.

I lost a few lbs and guys are coming back to me so I decided to play with all of them. I’ll play the role as the difficult girl who wants respect but really likes to hang out with them.

I will not reject them, but I won’t see them the day they want me to, at the time, place and doing the activity that I want to do. Everything in my OWN terms and conditions.

Part 1 of my own kind of revenge.

[agirlsdiarylife]

How to be single?

It just seems so easy at movies, but it really isn’t. I hate the feeling of needing some kind of love or attention. Can I just be a strong and independent woman who doesn’t need a man? My christmas, new year’s and birthday wish would be exactly that.

[agirlsdiarylife]

Bad habits

I like dating many guys so I don’t get attached with any of them.

What I like about it? Well... Many guys leads to many personalities and each one fills me the way I want to. I think my point of view can be very materialistic or superficial but I have a guy for anything that I want to do, like hooking up, going to the cinema, drink wine, go to expensive restaurants, go to a bar, drink beer while watching tv, etc.

But these days are hard ones, as I have become too fat, I don’t have as many boys as I need to don’t get my feelings envolved. That’s what happened with “lion” (lets call him that way).

We met, we hooked up (not sex) and then 100% friends, we talked everyday until halloween because I felt him quite distant so I thought about giving him some days until he comes back. Guess what? Three days later a photo with his new girlfriend. My respects, I didnt know he played the game just as I like to do it, I didn’t expect that he took me by surprise and with no man.

[agirlsdiarylife]

Ride

I am just going to write some lyrics from Lana del Rey. I just feel them so much.

I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them. (...) My memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.

(...) When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living, they asked me why, but there's no use in talking to people who have home. They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.

I was always an unusual girl.

(...) And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying... Because I was born to be the other woman. Who belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone. 

Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

[agirlsdiarylife]

100% guilty

I had a meeting with my schoolmates, there was so much food and drinks. I ate, and I ate A LOT. It was a baby shower, I think my stomach has a new baby because of all the food I ate.

[agirlsdiarylife]

My “friend with benefits” relationship is over.

Lately being drunk has brought to my life many disappointments and trouble. My friend with benefits and I had been fighting a lot because of this problem.

The fact is that being with him is only pleasant and exciting when I’m drunk or when I get to smoke weed. But everytime this happens before, he tells me he doesn’t like me when I’m like this. He adds comments like: “You just look so stupid” “You become unbearable everytime you smoke or get drunk”. 

The thing is that the last time we saw each other I was COMPLETELY drunk, after a meeting party with my school mates. I can’t remember what happened that night, but he is really upset. He doesn’t want to know anything about me or even hear my name.

Summer is coming and I’m starting my new life as a “proana” so I just have to wait to be skinny for him to come back right?

[agirlsdiarylife]

Stupid, silly girls...

I tried to be a good friend, but I really had doubts on this one.

One of my best friend's boyfriend is cheating on her. She knows from his past that he was cheating his ex too, because he cheated on her with my friend. So I found out this because "someone" (another one of my best friends) heard him saying this. So I told her, because she was like my sister but nowadays we don't talk as often as we used to.

The result was getting in trouble because they know it was me who told her, and she is still blind because she believes in him. But I knew this from the beggining, I know that even though she is 100% sure he is cheating on her and he says sorry, she is going to forget about it and do as if anything happen.

[agirlsdiarylife]

Five days

From 62.2 kg (138lb) to 61.4 kg (135lb).

My goal: 51 kg

I have to be honest, I havent eat any food but I had a few drinks with some friends. I think this is the reason why I havent loose any weight.

This weight was from last friday until today (wednesday), during the weekend I had some beers, on monday too and also yesterday just one and I had rum and whisky.

I havent eaten any solid food but the alcohol is the most difficult thing to let go of. Any advice?

[agirlsdiarylife]

No food tomorrow

Only water or fruit juice from any type.

[little-iddy-biddy-girl-deactiva]

You can’t

My brother said i can’t loose 10kgs, watch me. 

[agirlsdiarylife]

We can!!

[agirlsdiarylife]

No food tomorrow, I promise.

Support with a reblog. I need it.

[agirlsdiarylife]

2nd and 3rd day

Yesterday was hard but I only ate because a guy asked me out and we order one drink for each other so I had to eat or probably get drunk as fuck lol (it was an amazonic drink). The rest of the day I try not to eat anything but tea and 8 water cookies.

Today was easier. I only had some chicken and a banana, until my grandma gave me hot chocolate and pannetonne but I threw it up an hour ago.

I dont do this very often but everytime I received bad news my anguish kills me until I do it.

Today bad news: One of my guys suddenly posted a photo with a girl that seems to be her new girlfriend. (We stopped talking on wednesday).

[agirlsdiarylife]

My first day

It was a bit hard. I really tried not to eat but I couldn't. What I really did was taking small portions of food the whole day and I think day by day I will see results. And also, Im doing exercise in order to get skinny in less time. I only have two months until summer and I have to be ready.

This is my day two, I only took breakfast and in a few hours Im going to the gym. I really don't want to, but I'll do it anyway.

Ana didn't wrote anything about exercise but I'm adding this into my new lifestyle. Food is the reason of my problems so I have to get rid of it, and what I really need now is support to be pretty and skinny again.