Inside Out

I’m Samantha & dis iz wut I think about. I'm into X-treme sports like anxiety and highly intrusive thoughts, it really gets the heart pumping. My favorite part of those sports are the opportunities I get to practice finding positive perspective. I'm a recovery warrior fighting to stay free from the pervasive grips of the eating disorder that once controlled me. Feel free to explore my mind as you take on the adventure of my blog.  I like to watch The Office, make bad jokes, meditate on life and cuddle cute floofs big & small, esp. the ones that bork Dis iz me

[pmadaily]

hi! reminder that:

being positive is not “being happy at all times” — it’s knowing on bad days that there are better things coming!

[ahl-about-self-love]

I decided to revive my tumblr..I need to get back in touch with myself by writing again, & for whatever reason I can’t stick to diaries or journals. I remember always being able to write on tumblr..I think it helps that there are so many m visual aspects that I can relate to & use to understand myself more. So here we go ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[acepalindrome]

I am so on board with 2018 being the year we switch from self deprecation to self love. I’m not saying you can’t use self depreciating humor to deal with stuff, but I would challenge you to really cut back on how much you talk about yourself in really negative ways. Because if you only ever talk about yourself as worthless garbage, that’s absolutely how you’re going to feel about yourself, and it’s really going to get in the way of your personal growth and developing a more healthy self image. Start small, start slow, but try to be kinder to yourself in the new year. Celebrate your little victories, forgive your setbacks, remember that you have worth and deserve happiness and love. You are not garbage.

[howilearnedtocope]

Anything you say/hear/read often enough will try and work it’s way into your thoughts. One way to take advantage of that is to make sure you’re saying and reading stuff you *want* to be thinking :) I remember realizing this a while back when I followed a punch of positivity blogs, and then was so surprised when the stuff I didn’t really take seriously ended up in my thoughts!

[thegoodvybe]

[gentle-reminder]

gentle reminder

it is okay to feel proud of something - you put your time and effort into it, you deserve to be happy about that

[the-memedaddy]

Me irl

[ahl-about-self-love]

i feel like a switch in my brain just flipped & suddenly ED is back on. i’m self loathing & nit-picking all the parts of my body that “could stand to lose a few pounds/inches” & i can’t help but rack my brain over what diets & exercises i need to start doing asap. 

recovery isn’t linear & rn i am on what feels like a downward slope. 

on a positive note, usually summer kick starts ED much earlier for me than the end of may, so in comparison to previous years this is progress....but not good enough, not recovered.

note to self : i will get there.

[1000drawings]

by Frédéric Forest

[motivationalquotesxyz]

“Please do yourself a favour. Don’t lower your standards to fit in. Don’t shrink who you are to make others feel comfortable. Do find and surround yourself with people who like you just the way you are and who encourage you to keep growing.”

— Kristen Butler (via thoughtkick)

[thegoodvybe]

[ahl-about-self-love]

important 

[awwww-cute]

spot the odd one (Source: https://ift.tt/2xeup7K)

[awwww-cute]

He was a sk8r boi… (Source: https://ift.tt/2s9gObW)

[ahl-about-self-love]

see ya l8r boi

[uglytoast]

[ahl-about-self-love]

Eternal extistential crisis

I'm overflowing w anxiety

my dad showed my mom, sister & me this white patch inside of his lip that has been there for a month & i can’t breathe.

i looked up everything it could possibly be & it’s all scary,

especially with the addition of alcohol & tobacco use into the equation

I can't stop thinking it's something bad, & it's distrubing, but i can't stop worrying that it's something that will take my dad away from me

I want it to stop.

i feel like i am plagued with a hyper-sensitive focus on the fact that life is too preciously short, that eventually everything, and everyone, will return to the star dust it once started as. This thought really controls my mind and mood, & the incessant worrying makes it really hard to enjoy life sometimes

I can't remember ever not being like this tho. I can recall a time when I was 5 y.o & unable to sleep bc I was worried about my parents dying- not specifically in that exact moment, but inevitably so it would happen in the future, & the thought of that was petrifying. So I stayed up listneing to their breathing, eventually letting my heavy eyelids shut while the rhythm of their breaths lulled me to sleep as I rested my face on their back.

I don't like being like this. I don’t like these thoughts ruling my mind. I don’t like constantly worrying about the end, when the end may not even be near. I want it to stop. I’m so tired. It needs to stop. 

[ahl-about-self-love]

TUESDAYS

Despite hating Tuesday’s with a passion (I don’t know why Monday’s are deemed the worst day when it is so clearly Tuesday’s that are the worst. On Tuesday’s you’re no longer well rested from the weekend, but rather utterly exhausted from a long Monday, yet you have to keep going since the rest of the week is still to follow.) 

As I was saying before my Tuesday are the worst rant, which they are, today was actually not the worst Tuesday ever. It was still a crappy Tuesday, but it had it’s ups to balance out the downs! 

I was in the such a pitiful mental space this morning. I arrived to work EARLY, which is unheard of, & yet I still felt really down despite my accomplishment. I got a lot done at work, but my boss was so stressed and unintentionally took it out on his employees, which is a normal occurrence, & I’m usually very good at brushing this off because I know it’s not personal, but today it really got to me. Maybe because it followed a snide comment that actually was personal he made, “hopes you come back from India quieter,” but maybe not. I’m usually pretty good at brushing off ALL of his comments, but today they all piled on top off each other & eventually I had to take a break & decompress in the bathroom by crying a bit. This got me in more trouble w/ him for not letting anyone know I was going to use the bathroom and led to 1 single phone call being unanswered, but if I had told someone where I was going I probably wouldn’t have been able to stay composed. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to see me even with a single tear in my eye. I didn’t want anyone to think that it was due to my boss, because it wasn’t, I think the tears were bound to surface at some point today, regardless. 

The only reason I can possibly think of that caused the tears is the fact that I am currently pet sitting at someone else’s house & no longer in the comfort of my own home, with my family & my routine. & without routine I tend to slack on my basic needs like eating, drinking water, showering, socializing and most importantly, taking my meds. Last time I stoped taking my meds suddenly I got so physically sick & depressed it took a few months to come out. I took my meds immediately at lunch & watched The Office, which never ceased to put a smile on my face. 

Things only went up from there!

I got back to work & had another encounter with this boy I think is cute. He asked me on a date & we exchanged numbers! 

I expressed my feelings to someone from my past & it was so liberating to finally let that part of me go to the past with him.

My boss was less grumpy, at first, & tried his hardest to make me smile, though it did not work. Then he returned to his grumpy ways & was a butt again, yet this time I wasn’t bothered, & suddenly I was smiling!

I decided to spend the night back at my house, rather than at the house I’m pet sitting at, & even though it was chaotic because the dog I brought with me really disrupted my cats comfort & slightly stressed me out, I was more comfortable in the presence of my beloved family & my beautiful room. I feel much better after good nights sleep in my own bed. 

Little things in life, like the salt lamp in my room, can really brighten (HA HA GET IT CAUSE LAMP) my spirits. I probably won’t pet sit for this long again, because it’s just too much, but especially to pet sit for this long before an even longer trip, what was I thinking??? India will be an interesting experience. I know it will be fun, & I probably will miss a lot of things, but I’ll miss India if I spend too much time focusing on what I miss at home. I’m excited to see what I learn & gain from my experiences in India! If a simple Tuesday can teach me as much as I just mentioned I’m sure to gain a lot more from 3 weeks in a new country!

[maddiesharafian]

Be careful with your honey, my friends! <3

[chooseselflove-againandagain]

this is freaking beautiful

[cwote]

Let yourself feel.

Thanks for the inspiration @kindersuggestion :)