Life Update: Emotional State
Alright, so I don’t now where else to put this that literally no one will see but I can still put it out there. I decided to post it here because it also relates to my college experience I guess. This blog is about to just become my life experience blog.
Anyway, here’s the scoop. My roommate has seriously broken my trust. It’s not like that, I’m pretty sure you’re conjuring up some awful scenario. Really all he did was give a guy a ride home. But in the process of doing so, he was robbed of his wallet. By giving this douche canoe a ride to what might or might not have been his own apartment/house/abode, my roommate chose him over me. I had just gotten out of class and I was waiting for the bus, this was about 7:20 or something, and he texted me that some guy wanted a ride. I texted him back to just say that he was supposed to drive me and some friends home. I’m not usually so cold, if that seems cold, but I mean we had already established a plan. My roommate would wait for me to get on a bus to ride to the bus station where he had arrived just a bit earlier, and we would both come back to the apartment together. However, this guy threw off plans and I was a bit concerned when my roommate didn’t text me back for the next 20 minutes. By then I’d nearly made it to the station on the bus. The sky was dark, the weather was drizzly, and I was tired and in a vulnerable place emotionally and mentally. I’ve been having a hard time concentrating on my studies and such because I’m very sad and very lonely, and I just want to go home to Washington (state).
Alright, so this guy must’ve really seemed pitiful, because my roommate abandoned his post and took the douche nozzle home. This douche nozzle in return stole my roommate’s wallet. By now I had been waiting in the mostly empty parking lot having figured out that my roommate took the guy home. The longer I waited, the worse my emotional state got. I felt betrayed, abandoned, and utterly alone. And then i got the text that my roommate’s wallet was stolen. I put a whole day’s worth of depressed emotions and sad thoughts on the back burner and kept strong for him so we could get through. He was upset, understandably, and so I volunteered to drive back over to find the guy and try to get my roommate’s wallet back. By the time we made it halfway there, we were passing the gas station and my roommate just decided we should get gas and go home. So I got him some gas and drove him home. I looked up all the ways you can possibly get a new driver’s license, and tried to help him with his police report.
Skip to the next day. Today. I felt a little better but all day i was stewing on low. It began with the fact my roommate forgot to turn off the crock pot last night. We made hot chocolate and I was feeling like utter bull roar, so I put on some Markiplier videos and fell asleep early-ish with my roommate still awake. So when I woke up this morning at 5:30 to find the crock pot was left on, I was admittedly a bit irked, but I didn’t let it get to me much. Then I went to class, went to my roommate’s class, and took notes for him, went to the store, and came home to make dinner. I found out as I was making dinner that my roommate had slept till I came home and had invited someone over without even having the courtesy of informing me. This compounded my exhaustion and frustration, and growing unease. I felt like he was so unreliable! I couldn’t rely on him to even stay in one spot while I rode the bus to him! I was literally coming right to him, and then when he lost his wallet to the butt sniffer that melted his heart with some sob story I assume, I was the one who kept strong through my fear and insecurity and my feeling of utter abandonment. I’m sure he didn’t understand, and I’m sure I haven’t explained it well to him. I’m also sure he has forgotten just how strong an issue abandonment is to me. It’s not entirely his fault that I feel so bad, but it is his fault that I feel betrayed and abandoned. I cried a lot after we went to the police station tonight. I cried about being lonely, I cried about him leaving me to wait in a dark parking lot at night, and I cried because I had been holding all my emotions back for two days. I miss my family, I miss being around people who love me and won’t abandon me. I called my mom and cried to her. For 22 minutes I sobbed and stuttered to my mom, and finally it was all out. I had finally let it all out. I felt a lot better, but I still felt empty. Mom suggested I take a shower and go to bed early. So that’s what I’m trying to do. I took a shower, washed my hair, and now I’m writing this before I sleep.
I don’t expect anyone to read this. Especially not my roommate. I don’t even know if he knows I have a college blog. Regardless, here is my load. I shed it to carry another. Good evening, everyone, and good luck if you’re here in the United States of America with me. The election is quite a nerve-wracking thing, this year.