signs you were not doing well as a child:
you spent most of your time in your room/alone, not because you wanted to, but because it was the safest thing to do
you had to worry about whether you’d be able to eat safely that day, or if you’d be met with insults, attacks and/or being chased away from food
you wanted to inflict harm onto yourself and felt it was normal to want to harm you
you inflicted harm onto your body
you spent a long time having imaginary conversations in your head where you tried to prove somehow that you were not as bad as everyone make it seem, or that someone cares about you
you sank into obsessions in order to get thru whatever was going on
you felt as if you were barely making it thru, and if there was just one more thing you’d have to deal with, you wouldn’t be able to take it
you had wild fantasies about someone taking you away from all of this and taking you somewhere safe where you wouldn’t be despised
you never felt at home, you felt like you didn’t have a home
you looked for every possible place to hide, in order to feel safe for a little while, both to keep your enjoyment secret and in case of a danger, you needed to have a hiding place
you were scared of all of your enjoyment being taken away the second people found out
you had to spend more time doing chores or taking care of others, than you could spend developing your own friendships and life
you felt inexplicably and endlessly lonely, you dreamed of one day having friends and it felt unreachable, impossible, like asking for too much
you never cried, or hid when you cried, feeling ashamed and weak
you over-indulged into a tv show, or a computer game, or a piece of media, to the point where it didn’t feel like you lived at all unless you were interacting with it
sometimes the insults and the shaming you endured got to you to the point where you believed things would be better if you didn’t exist
you were constantly trying to check if your parents actually cared for you or not, and took any tiny hint of attention, even negative attention, as a possible proof that they might care, but you could never know for sure which it was
you were scared of getting abandoned, getting kicked out of the house, getting left on the street, you even tried to plan what you would do if it happened
you had moments when you felt like the worst person to ever live
you thought about ending your life, to stop the pain
you felt guilt and shame so large, you thought there was nothing in the world that could possibly redeem you
you ran to hide when your family member would come home, you couldn’t bear being seen in ‘their part of the house’ (living room, dining room)
you were reluctant to admit anything that was bothering you to your parents or caretakers, because you already knew they would either blame you, or use it against you
you spiraled into dark thoughts, all on your own, telling no one
you experienced feeling so numb and lifeless, you didn’t know what was wrong with you, and it scared you
you couldn’t imagine yourself going far in the future, or accomplishing much at all, you felt it would be a miracle if you’re alive later on
you tried to blame yourself for anything that had ever happened to you, trying to get control over it, trying to make it so it doesn’t happen again
you got into media that is restricted for children (extreme violence, gruesome horror and gore, sexually explicit and sexually violent materials) and you absorbed it and told no one about it
you endured being harassed or violated by a predator and told no one about it
you were constantly scared of what everyone else was thinking and saying about you
you were ashamed of things you did and said and worried endlessly that somehow you caused something bad to happen
you felt as if your worst fear would always, always come true
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