Akan-kun

He,him only. Gay. Host: Akan , mr. Akan , Akan-kun. Co-host is clovers/day (he/him), co-host 2 is ribbonlady (any/all).

[akankun]

Akan

Akan, akankun, mr. akan - he/him, gay Content warning: Suggestive but not explicit content may be present in reblogs. Other DNI: pro-endo, radqueer/transID, post pro-ship content openly Demographics: I am a trans male, gay, and mentally ill. I'm neurodivergent. You may contact me in Japanese or English. Things relating to me or my views or intros on this blog will be tagged #aboutme , boundaries included. My rambles will be tagged #akanyap . An extended DNI is under #aboutme too, or #dni . Note: I do not use the terms "m-spec gay/lesbian" on this blog. Split attraction peeps will *always* be welcome here! I just am not a fan of that specific phrasing, and the split attraction folks that I do know personally use alternatives like homobi, bihet, etc. which I find to be more fitting given "gay/lesbian" terms are more about overall exclusivity rather than specific -romantic or -sexual. I do not believe that *binary* men can be lesbians - including binary trans men - but I do believe that genderqueer men can in fact be lesbians, so I have no qualms against things like lesboy which appear to be about that.

My views on the above terms will likely not change but I want to make it clear that I am not an exclusionist or identity police. I just personally don't like certain phrases used for these very much valid & real occasions. I can't police anybody nor is it up to me to define, this is just a disclaimer - and please bonk me if what I say comes off as hostile. I struggle with tone a lot.

[oceanside-aero]

I've been slowly overcoming my dislike of being in main front. My reasoning for avoiding it for so long has been rather selfish and it's been keeping me from doing my job. How am I supposed to be a protector when I don't even front?

Anyways, I've gotten to the point where I've fully stopped caring. So what if I get compared to source? So what if insane people in this fandom come up to me and ask me incredibly insensitive questions? So what if shippers in my source fandom decide I should be like my source and bother me about it? It's not like they're wrong, anyways. Our partner system does have a fictive of the man I'm constantly shipped with in source, so I don't even beat the "allegations" as I've been calling it.

Every time someone compares a fictive to their source without consent I will now show up to execute them personally and pay said fictive $20 out of the wallet of the person I just destroyed.

[akankun]

Today I had a dream where our co-host made an ironic "anti-willo-komaeda" blog and got sent a hate ask by an endo that horrificly mistranslated a Kodaka tweet from 2014 to say "Komaeda Nagito is positive towards Willogenics." and I woke up to getting 100 hate messages on this blog the day after with no memory of such a blog even existing. what I love is that it's type of shit that would actually happen IRL in these discourses.

[akankun]

By the way, saying someone is a "successful (minority) (occupation)" doesn't empower them. It's saying that they are good, for being (minority); or that their minority is the only reason they are worth mentioning above the rest. Like "amazing female climber". as if she isn't a good climber on her own??? or "good black singer" as if good singer implies white???

[akankun]

One time I was talking to someone I'd known for years on Discord, who had recently been put in treatment for a CDD without interacting with the community or terms yet ever, and he told me "Oh so we're basically all like, permanent tenants. We'll use that term for ourselves. Tenants. Less clinical than alter." And I think about it every day

[akankun]

Had a blast at the BabyMetal concert last night. 10/10 would inflict hearing damage on meself again.

[chimerid]

things I didn't realize were signs of covert DID

a lot of "signs of plurality" lists focus heavily on introjection and alter communication, two things that we have very little of. we wanted to lay out some experiences we had prior to syscovery with a focus on memory loss, identity confusion, dissociation, and unconscious masking since these are what we experience most. we hope this helps someone.

this is not an exhaustive list and identifying with it does not guarantee anything nor does not identifying with it mean you are not plural. we are one system and these are our experiences, which have heavy overlap with our other comorbid conditions. you know yourself/ves best, use your own judgement when reading.

feeling as though i was never a child even when my body was, that i was always an "old soul"

feeling as though i never stopped being a child, that my body aged without me

feeling as though it is my first day on earth and nothing has existed before the present moment

experiencing all of the above so strongly at different times that i cannot imagine feeling any other way

"i don't hear voices, i just have multiple overlapping trains of thought all reacting to and arguing with one another. probably the ADHD"

feeling upset as a kid that my imaginary friends didn't act the way i wanted, or that they didn't like me

remembering my childhood in third person, as though watching a movie of my own life

feeling as though i am having lines fed to me when talking about myself

remembering times that i was upset, but with the inciting incident cut out. being unable to understand why i felt the way i did

feeling as though the "real" me died a long time ago and i took their place

being talented at acting and lying. feeling like i have spent my whole life acting, as though "i" am a character i put on for other people

being afraid of voicing opinions because i know they might change suddenly, being upset when someone tells me a supposed opinion of mine that i no longer remember or agree with

knowing when i am supposed to have an opinion on something but not knowing what it is, having to make up my own opinions based on what i think "i" would most likely say

"what did you do today" i don't know "how do you feel" i don't know "what do you want" i don't know "did you have work yesterday" ...probably?

feeling like my body sometimes says things that my mind does not remember/agree with, or that i'm surprised to hear the things i'm saying

reflexively lying about things i didn't do because i assume i must have forgotten about it

being freaked out when someone touches my stuff without telling me, because i assume i moved it and forgot entirely. being afraid of how quick i can forget things

having excellent memory as a young child and terrible memory as an adult

"face blindness" where i can tell that people look familiar but feel like i have never met them, being unable to put faces in context

feeling like i have never actually met my own friends and loved ones

"i don't have amnesia, i can objectively tell you what happened. even when i do forget, i can usually put it together through context clues."

"it can't have been that bad, i barely remember it and don't feel upset when i think about it"

"i can't have DID, nothing bad has ever happened to me"

no name ever feels right longterm

creating alt accounts due to a desire to "pretend" to be someone else

lacking a solid sense of identity, feeling like a hollow husk of a person who occasionally experiences moments of clarity and wants to be treated as someone other than the "me" i present to the world

"i've never had a switch, i just have an inconsistent sense of identity"

"i've never had a switch, i have always felt exactly the way i do right now"

feeling like my mind is being pulled in several different directions, especially when i'm upset. being unable to act because different "parts" of me want different things

feeling jealousy when seeing other systems be open about their plurality. feeling like it's something you're not supposed to talk about

feeling guilty for being happiest when i'm "faking" plurality

feeling drawn to stories about possession, secret identities, or doppelgangers

all of the above being such routine experiences that i never even thought to question them

[akankun]

People used to tell me how respectful the relationship between me and my brother was growing up. They didn't see what was happening behind closed doors. That "this respect" was actually a power imbalance formed out of fear. That I had been actively discouraged from forming a connection to my parents so that I would prioritize his authority; to the point of failing to recognize them on multiple occasions; that I didn't even know what my brother's face looked like because I was too scared to do something as simple as look up to face him. Yet, of course, it took me other people - peers and on one occasion a therapist - pointing out that none of this was OK for me to realize what was being done to me. Because I wasn't hit, right? Even if I was constantly afraid that the next time I pissed him off, he would finally hit me - Because he didn't cuss at me, right? Even if he would go on and on about how I was a useless child who was only redeemable if I let him "save" me. Because siblings hating eachother wasn't a joke but literal, right? Even if it made me feel like shit? Because only parents, or uncles/aunts, or grandparents were old enough to be abusive, right? I mean, I had abused friends with home problems - theirs looked different. It was a parent, it was a parent's sibling, it was never meant to be a sibling. I was still insistent on denying everything until memories started coming up - a bit after he got "bored" of it, and fucked around found out when I was diagnosed with severe depression so young and that everyone was trying to figure our HOW this happened. He robbed me of my fucking life.

[anti-willo-miku]

What makes me really sad is when people say “I’m endogenic because my system formed from [insert thing] instead of trauma” and the thing in question is just… truama that isn’t commonly represented in the community. I hate the myth that you have the absolute worst most horrific things ever happen to develop a cdd. So many things can be traumatic, especially to a child.

Neglect can be traumatic, loneliness and isolation can be traumatic, bullying can be traumatic.

Combine that with other factors and a low stress tolerance and yeah, a system can form.

[anti-willo-miku]

I love you systems whose trauma is considered “not enough” to form a CDD. Everyone’s stress threshold is different and whats traumatic to some isn’t to traumatic to others. You belong in this community, and it’s awful that anyone thinks they have to right to make you feel like you have to justify your trauma response.

I love you systems whose trauma is considered “too much” to be believed. Your experiences are real and deserved to be heard, and if you don’t want to tell you’re not obligated to.

[cats-n-quests]

Types of Amnesia

Diagram created by me

General criteria for amnesia:

Memory loss

Confusion

Inability to recognize familiar figures/places

Difficulty recalling names or places

Not remembering where you went

Worser ability to remember things that had happened Post on how to handle these kinds of amnesia: click here!

Generalized Amnesia Where a person completely forgets everything about themself and have no recollection of what, where, and who they spoke to. This can describe a blackout switch and may still recognize who they are.

Localized Amnesia Where a person is unable to recall a specific/series of event from the whole, which creates an incomplete picture of the situation. For example, remembering childhood but not the abuse.

Selective Amnesia Where a person only lost some and retain the rest, forgetting parts yet not all of them. This can describe greyouts as it grasps some information/sensory yet not enough to tell what exactly happened. One example is playing the phone and unable to recall what occured, only to jump its memory right to being at bed.

Emotional Amnesia Where a person has an intact memory and it's details on what had happened, but do not remember what the event feels like (e.g. was scared, happy, etc.). One description is that you're watching something that didn't happen to you, because you don't feel like being in the scene itself.

Continuous Amnesia Where a person fails to retain full parts of the event/day, for a set period of time (can vary from minutes to days) and create an accumulative, small bits of selective amnesias, continuously, leaving many gaps in a chronological timeline. This usually happens in times or stress, or abuse.

Fragmented Amnesia Where a person has an unrelated, and/or disjointed memories that does not go with the timeline's order, creating confusion and difficult to grasp the cohesive picture of what truly happened. Emotional amnesia may be present in this type. Bonus for systems:

Amnesia barriers Where a person fronting is not able to recall other alter's memories, which is a form of retrograde amnesia and compartmentalization. Because the fronter will only retain any information before switching out with the next one, the rest experiences anterograde amnesia as it cannot form and remember those memories, unless being coconcious or cofronting (even though, this is not always guaranteed).

Take notes that amnesia can still happen outside system things due to comorbidities like anxiety disorders or depression, this does mean systems are bound to experience more amnesia compared to non-systems folks out there.

Do you have any discussions about this? Or would like to describe your own way of seeing these different types of amnesia? Or have more to add? Feel free to tell them here!

- j

[myirlnameiscloud]

B-but people with micropenises are my emotional support minority to bully!! 🥺🥺 B-but it's funny that their penises are small!! 🥺🥺 B-but I only make fun of BAD people by calling their penises small!! 🥺🥺 I have good reason to make fun of people with micropenises!! 🥺🥺 It's not intersexism if it's funny!! 🥺🥺 It's sooo funny because their penises are small!! 🥺🥺 Guys it's sooo funny come on!! 🥺🥺

[myirlnameiscloud]

Aaand here's some of the lovely comments under this post:

I think I hate tumblr.

Anyways BLOCKED!!!

[genderkoolaid]

There is no feminist way to participate in toxic masculinity, and mocking people for having fragile masculinity is toxic masculinity, point blank period. Its fundamentally patriarchal.

The idea that "having fragile masculinity" is inherently a personality defect or moral failing is patriarchal. So much of this kind of bullshit is people taking fundamentally patriarchal ideas of manhood (for example, that men being vulnerable is a defect or moral failing) and defining it around slightly more feminist values.

Like, the only thing that is different from bog standard patriarchy here is the inclusion of "macho." But like, the idea that there are "fragile" men who fail to be "real men" with unshakeable firm masculinity, and they also secretly have small penises and are biologically less manly compared to "real men" whose real manhood can be located in their large penises... babe that's just toxic masculinity. The same "macho" shit you hate those men for, you yourself engage in, just a little to the left.

Fragile masculinity is not a moral failing, and it doesn't intrinsically make someone a worse person. And tbh I think talking about "fragile masculinity" like this is kind of disgustingly individualistic, and doesn't do much to encourage conversation about how patriarchy constructs manhood and masculinity as tools of control and oppression (what some feminists might call misandry).

[akankun]

Glad to see I'm not the only one thinking this. My transness has caused fragile masculinity in me - not toxic masculinity, not making fun of other men or getting mad at women living their best lives, but rather - I've grown up feeling like I've had to "fight" for every bit of masculinity I have be it in looks or perception; combined with the fact that I've had less trouble passing more trouble being treated as a lesser man. Being insecure is not a moral failing; it doesn't make anyone irredeemable. Acting on your insecurity to lash out and trying to force it as fact is an issue. A part of hatred for "fragile masculinity" is rooted in 1) bioessentialism, 2) the failure to understand that the "male status" granted by patriarchy is easily revoked - especially for intersex or disabled people, et cetera... alongside conventional attraction standards. Things that, you know, you think you're being against by being anti-toxic masculinity. Sexism works in mirrors; this helps it be less questioned by those participating, by looking like it "adds up". And even when we realize one problematic mirror, we fail to address the "equivalent", which means that equivalent mirrors itself again to bring back the same thing we tried getting rid of. These mirrors can be positive (benevolent) or negative. Such as: "Women are weak" -1 Therefore "men (not women) are strong" +1 Henceforth, a weak man is below the "nature" of man and therefore weak enough that it "cancels his non-weak nature"; and a strong woman is strong enough for it to "override her base weakness" Henceforth "women can not hurt men" = natural state of things; a man hurt by a woman is less than a man; or a woman who can hurt men is more determined to do so (than a man hurting a woman) and the main goal is hurting another party. Therefore "men hurt women" = natural state of things; unpreventable, woman's duty to protect herself; and the main goal is the man serving himself. When you fail to recognize these issues are the same at their core, and only try to remove the part dictating women; the part dictating men still remains, and it becomes "Men are strong" +1, therefore "women (not men) are weak", sending us back to circle one.

[akankun]

The homophobia in my culture (which tends to have differences in certain beliefs) disappearing because an American on Twitter told me that evil white people invented being mean, while claiming that homophobia itself is eurocentricism, apparently:

[anti-willo-miku]

its crazy because there's a lot of factors why a system might be fictive heavy 😭 neglect can cause children to turn to media on the internet, there's also aphantasia!! i have it & it plays into our system being fictive heavy especially since its easier to latch onto already existing characters than to visualize

i think it also plays into the fact that people have always been weird about fictives (and factives too sometimes if they're of celebrities/famous people). we are constantly reduced to our sources & treated as roleplayers because nobody actually understands what introjection is & why it happens. endos also dont seem to understand that and make that problem worse than it already is

Yeah, I think endos are one of the reasons the cdd community is so fixated on trying to find out who’s malingering and who isn’t.

[akankun]

This. I want to reblog this post with our own story/first hand account. We were born in '09 and might have geniunely been one of the first quote unquote "ipad kids" (albeit the first wave wasn't anything like the modern concept and without associated tech illiteracy). Our only way to engage with potential coping and the human condition was either via our abuser or fiction and games. We were not properly socialized during a critical period on top of already having a ND disability. We were very fortunate to have managed to evade the negative impacts that kind of internet exposure usually has on a kid, but it still played a role in how we coped, and by extension, our disorder. Because when you're a kid grasping for straws, and you can't find a role model in person, you're gonna look for a representation of a person who you can associate with your situation. In the long term it's kind of a bandaid solution from the brain but in the time it's just a child trying to find ANY way to survive. We had an alter who used to handle most of our school stuff, and she was an introject of Hermione (fuck J.K Rowling) because that was, to us, an example of someone who would be able to cope with a traumatic school life.

[hazedxg0]

DID Research: Amnesia & Memory

Links to research surrounding inter-identity amnesia and general memory function in DID. Also some links to basic studies on dissociative amnesia as a stand-alone dissociative disorder, which operates similarly to amnesia within DID.

Amnesia & Memory in Dissociative Identity Disorder 

Inter-identity amnesia and memory transfer in dissociative identity disorder: A systematic review with a meta-analysis 

Inter-identity amnesia in dissociative identity disorder resolved: A behavioural and neurobiological study 

Dissociative identity disorder and memory dysfunction: the current state of experimental research and its future directions 

Subjective amnesia in dissociative identity disorder: a dual path model drawing on metacognitive beliefs related to self and memory functioning (not open access) 

Implicit memory, interpersonality amnesia, and dissociative identity disorder: Comparing patients with simulators 

Explicit memory and dissociative identity disorder: The function of one-way amnesia barriers 

Memory transfer for emotionally valenced words between identities in dissociative identity disorder (not open access) 

Inter-Identity Autobiographical Amnesia in Patients with Dissociative Identity Disorder 

Interidentity Amnesia for Neutral, Episodic Information in Dissociative Identity Disorder 

Reversal of amnesia for trauma in a sample of psychiatric inpatients with dissociative identity disorder and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified (not open access) 

Memory fragmentation in dissociative identity disorder 

Apparent amnesia on experimental memory tests in dissociative identity disorder: An exploratory study 

Memory, Amnesia, and Dissociative Identity Disorder (not open access) 

Interidentity Memory Transfer in Dissociative Identity Disorder 

Inter-identity amnesia for neutral episodic self-referential and autobiographical memory in Dissociative Identity Disorder: An assessment of recall and recognition 

Memory for complex emotional material in dissociative identity disorder (not open access) 

Cognitive inhibition in dissociative identity disorder (DID): Developing an understanding of working memory function in DID 

Dissociative Amnesia

The neurology of traumatic “dissociative” amnesia: Commentary and literature review 

Memory repression: brain mechanisms underlying dissociative amnesia 

Three dimensions of dissociative amnesia 

Memories of childhood abuse: dissociation, amnesia, and corroboration 

What are the neural correlates of dissociative amnesia? A systematic review of the functional neuroimaging literature 

Dissociative Amnesia – A Challenge to Therapy 

Generalized dissociative amnesia: episodic, semantic and procedural memories lost and found 

Dissociative amnesia: Disproportionate retrograde amnesia, stressful experiences and neurological circumstances 

Prefrontally mediated inhibition of memory systems in dissociative amnesia 

Dissociative detachment and memory impairment: Reversible amnesia or encoding failure? (not open access) 

[akankun]

I think there's nuance to conversation to be had about he/him lesbians and she/her gays. Being a he/him lesbian, or a she/her gay, is not the same thing as being a straight man/girl claiming to be a lesbian/gay. I think a lot of the confusion stems from the fact that gender is a complicated construct; both neurobiological and social. When we say "guy" or "gal", we tend to apply it to queer peoples who socially are aligned more with a certain category. Like a genderqueer lesbian who uses masculine terms or adopts masculine roles, we can call that a guy; because guy is generally also used for social category beyond just "binary male". Of course, there's also kneejerk reaction because of history. Trans women were attacked on the basis of being "autogynephiles", or like a "super-dedicated gay man"; so when we hear "she/her gay", especially older members of community - or those familiar with older history - tend to associate it with a time where trans women were a third category. Similarly, for trans men; straight trans guys were often seen as "predatory lesbians seeking staright girls", and gay trans guys were often seen as "wannabe gay men/not serious about the male part" (because we think of gay men as half a man as that's how patriarchy treats them). So when people hear "he/him lesbian", especially straight trans guys, they assume that it's talking about them and go back to a time where "butch flight" was a conspiracy. Ultimately pronouns isn't gender. Gender isn't fully social (rather, an internal perception of sex; i.e neurological and according to recent study genetic as well); but the language we use to talk of things associated with a gender/sex are social, and social rules are not set in stone. Logically queer people tend to agree, but we need to recognize that you still need to address internal bias - and having internal bias from growing up in a heteronormative society does not make you just like "those bigots". Much like how sex has a bimodal distribution rather than binary, so does gender, and much like how we assume sex before the person has the language to describe themselves, the words are not concrete nor prescriptive.

[akankun]

Addressing bigotry is kind of like therapy. Cognitive-based therapy helps if the hurdle between the person and resolve is cognition based, or misperception; but it doesn't address the problem if the person knows the logical truth but feel at emotional unrest.

[akankun]

I think there's nuance to conversation to be had about he/him lesbians and she/her gays. Being a he/him lesbian, or a she/her gay, is not the same thing as being a straight man/girl claiming to be a lesbian/gay. I think a lot of the confusion stems from the fact that gender is a complicated construct; both neurobiological and social. When we say "guy" or "gal", we tend to apply it to queer peoples who socially are aligned more with a certain category. Like a genderqueer lesbian who uses masculine terms or adopts masculine roles, we can call that a guy; because guy is generally also used for social category beyond just "binary male". Of course, there's also kneejerk reaction because of history. Trans women were attacked on the basis of being "autogynephiles", or like a "super-dedicated gay man"; so when we hear "she/her gay", especially older members of community - or those familiar with older history - tend to associate it with a time where trans women were a third category. Similarly, for trans men; straight trans guys were often seen as "predatory lesbians seeking staright girls", and gay trans guys were often seen as "wannabe gay men/not serious about the male part" (because we think of gay men as half a man as that's how patriarchy treats them). So when people hear "he/him lesbian", especially straight trans guys, they assume that it's talking about them and go back to a time where "butch flight" was a conspiracy. Ultimately pronouns isn't gender. Gender isn't fully social (rather, an internal perception of sex; i.e neurological and according to recent study genetic as well); but the language we use to talk of things associated with a gender/sex are social, and social rules are not set in stone. Logically queer people tend to agree, but we need to recognize that you still need to address internal bias - and having internal bias from growing up in a heteronormative society does not make you just like "those bigots". Much like how sex has a bimodal distribution rather than binary, so does gender, and much like how we assume sex before the person has the language to describe themselves, the words are not concrete nor prescriptive.