I'm 31 years old today! I wanted to take a little time to explain some things for those of you who haven't had the inside glimpse of my life lately. Tw: suicide, mental health, eating disorder, etc
I almost didn't make it to my birthday this year. In March/ April, I was so badly depressed that I was having suicidal thoughts and plans. Something happened between a close friend and I which made me lose several other friends, and several support pillars of my life. I also had a job that made me feel worthless and like I wasn't enough.
Thankfully, my mom and dad were here, and they not only gave me a place to stay and the stability to quit my job, but my mom talked me into getting real help.
April 1st I was admitted to the hospital and then sent to a mental health program at a mental health institution. I was there 2-3 weeks, and I learned a lot. I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I've had that a long time, it seems.
This has effected all aspects of my life and I didn't realize how bad it was. It affected my LARP life, my love for Art and writing, even my relationships with my friends and family.
I also have a huge issue with self worth, which feeds into my anxiety and depression. I don't think I'm good enough to be cared for. I wouldn't clean my house unless someone was coming over. I wouldn't shower until i felt like it was for someone else's benefit. I didn't buy clothes for myself because i didn't deserve them. I'm still working on this.
I was also (loosely?) diagnosed with an eating disorder. I feel so much guilt and shame for eating, no matter how much or what it is. I betated myself, tried to make myself throw up, and couldn't look in the mirror because I hate the weight on my body. I am still working on this.
I was made an Amtgard (LARP) Knight in 2024 (i think) and since then I haven't done hardly anything in the game. That isn't because I'm coasting-- it was because I have been suffering with a huge battle for my actual life.
Thankfully I'm on a good cocktail of medicine right now. It's restored a lot for me. I've been happier, I've rejoined my LARP, I've been drawing every day, Journaling. I've been improving.
Anyway, I want to say thank you to all of you who have remained my friend through my dark moments here. I know I haven't been the best friend to people, but that was because I was struggling way more than I could admit. Because if I admitted it, then it became more real. And I couldn't do that until I was in a safe place.
Thankfully, I've already been able to rebuild a few bridges with some understanding friends, and I'm so very grateful to them for their grace and forgiveness.
But it's also really hard right now. I don't have a steady job-- i have a remote one, but there aren't always tasks for me to do. I have commissions, but that takes time and i still have to be gentle with myself.
I don't usually just outright ask for money, but I've never really been in this situation before.
All of this has impacted my finances, obviously, and my savings are all but dried up now. If anyone is willing, and only if you can, I would be so thankful for just a 5 dollar donation. I want to get my feet back under me again, and unfortunately that just takes time.
My PayPal is @twentyofthree and my cashapp is $twentyofthree. Thank you in advance to anyone who does donate, it means the world to me!
I'm working on being a better person, and to really discovering who I am. Thank you to everyone who's just *waited* for me to figure myself out, and to those of you who offered your support when I needed it. You guys are all so kind and sweet, and it just knocks me off my feet with how much you love me.
Thanks for reading this far, and here's to my 31st year of my life-- let it be a restorative one!
