β«οΈI mostly write about BSD characters because that's what I'm most familiar with, but I'm also new to Genshin Impact and HSR, so I might write about them as well.
β«οΈRequests are open. I'm also quite busy with personal life so if it takes long, either assume I'm dead or going through a writer's block.
β«οΈIf you have any ideas in mind, send an ask or message me, and I'll see if I can work on it.
β«οΈI mostly don't write about lore/plot fanfictions as I'm only familiar with ship fanfictions.
(This fic was heavily inspired by Lilith by Saint Avangeline so listening to the song while reading is highly recommended β‘β Λβ κ°β α΅β ΰΌβ α΅β β β κ±)
ββΊββ βΎ ββΊββ βοΈ
Fyodor Dostoevsky. His name means God's gift. And you knew that was true. Fyodor was really a gift to humanity. A god's gift, you could say. Except you didn't believe in God. If God had existed, freedom would be equally distributed all throughout humanity.
But you? You saw yourself as nothing but a mere bird trapped in a golden cage of human emotions that assured you of nothing but the very opposite of freedom.
Emotions are the chemical and electrical reactions in one's brain that triggers a change in their mood and body. Emotions... birds have it too. Then why did you envy birds so much?
β’β‘β’β‘β’β‘β’
Dusk shone its soft glow over the church and into its windows like wine into glass. Fyodor was inside, the cross held in his hands like how he was held in your heart.
Soft footsteps echoed through the hall, you were there. Fyodor did not turn. His eyes closed and the cross clutched tight in both of his hands, the man was deep into his prayers.
It was calm. Soft sunlight from the sun setting, the cathedral music, birds chirping...
Suddenly, giggles echoed through the halls, the church was empty besides you and Fyodor. One of you was there for what the church was meant to serve, and the other one was there to cause nothing but chaos.
Fyodor's eyebrow twitched. Without opening his eyes from the prayer or moving an inch from the pose he was in, he let out a sharp "Silence." from across the hall, making you gasp softly in mock fear.
"Ouch!! Sorry, dear. I had NO idea you were there!!! You know, my friend, if the back of your head looked more like head rather than greasy, dirty, disheveled bird nest, I, the bird, wouldn't have come waltzing here looking for a home!"
Fyodor did not respond. He didn't have to. He didn't care enough to. Or atleast that's what you thought.
But Fyodor let out a soft chuckle at your insult and stood up from his seat in the empty cathedral, walking towards you with footsteps that were as soft as feathers falling on dry concrete. You couldn't even hear his footsteps despite knowing he wore heels that'd click on the floor with every step that radiated nothing but pure confidence.
"Say, why don't I show you around the church, friend? Let us go take walks together and explore from the outside in."
Fyodor stopped just an arm's length away from you as his lips stretched out into the sweetest smile known to mankind.
Your heart almost skipped a beat. You both have never been this close before. Cool breeze brushed through your soft locs of crisp white hair, and the air felt charged. Fyodor's gaze on you was soft and gentle, so unlike of the terrifying things he had done in the past, and will definitely do in the future.
You gulped down, the sound was audible. You cursed internally and let out a funny giggle.
"Yay! You're gonna show me around!"
Your voice was high, and you felt excited. The thought of spending time with your beloved sent adrenaline rushing through your veins. You grabbed his hand, and let out a soft "woohoo~", expecting a frown from him, but he chuckled.
The soft laugh escaping his lips reverberated through the cathedral, it sounded so pure. It sounded smooth, and it sounded like silk, and it caressed your earbuds like how you dreamed his soft hands would caress your biceps in bed.
He sounded like a siren. His voice wasn't deep, it was soft, gentle, and it was very alluring.
You wanted to hug him, close your arms around his figure, close your eyes in trust, and whisper the sweetest, naughtiest of words in his ears.
He was your dear. Your Fedya. You never called him Fyodor. It was only either Fedya or Dostoy. And he seemed unbothered by both.
He always referred to you as 'My friend' or 'dearest' but when he does call you by your name, it's never just Nikolai or Gogol. It's Kolya. And nothing drives you insanely devoted for someone, like that name does, for him. Just hearing his soft, gentle voice sing your name would send butterflies birds fluttering so warmly in your stomach.
You dragged him closer. It was something risky, and you knew it. But who was his dearest Kolya if not risky? His footsteps weren't steady, and he stumbled onto your side and shot you a playful glare. Something that instantly made you flustered. Your cheeks were shaded red, and you were flailing your arms, like a bird in heat.
"...mhm! You know your Kolya doesn't like it when you give me glares!"
He didn't respond. He just held your hand in his, although, it didn't fit. Yours was much larger than his. Everything that was yours, was. You were much bigger than him, your shoulders, the hips, the arms, and your hands... You worked out. And he prayed to God.
You walked around with him in the garden outside of the cathedral and whispered silly things in his ears as he chuckled listening to you.
It was a wonderful night. The air was biting your skin cold beneath your white jacket, and your hand was intertwined with his. You couldn't ask for more.
The townsfolk hated Fyodor. They'd bash his name and tell children not to approach him. They'd call him evil and pray against his name to Jesus. And he did too, except the one he prayed against was humanity itself. Fyodor says he loves all of humanity equally. And you were heavily intrigued by that.
"You... love me..?" You asked, the question left your lips like a shy scandal. And you lowered your eyes to your feet while walking with him.
You knew his answer would be yes, but did he love you more than his love for all of humanity that he claimed is equal? Did he just love you as another one of God's beautiful creations? Did he just love you as one of the wild ones of the humankind he found fascinating?
Did he- such questions flooded your mind and you wondered if he loved you just as a concept or as a person, as you are, as his.
"Yes, Kolya. I love you. And I love you more than anybody else could ever love anything."
His voice was like a drug. It was dangerous, it drove you wild, it drove you insane, and it sounded like a church's choir, something you'd always admire, despite having no interest in church, or whatever the choir sang about.
And his logic, damn his logic. It was like a hymn you never understood. It was beautiful, the things he says, the things he does, and the things he does to you, it's all lovely. But you never understood him as a concept. You loved him dearly, but why he would only love you as just another part of the humanity he sought to "fix", you did not understand. Why could he not love you just as you are? Why did he feel the need to fix you? Why did he-
Fyodor's voice tore through the flood of questions that threatened to flow out as tears through your eyes.
"Kolya?"
You did not respond. Why did he feel the need to fix you even if he was the only one that understood you? Why does he feel that he is not capable of loving you as you are, even though he understands you to the core?
You stopped. Not the thoughts that were flooding your mind, and leaking into your heart, slowly dissolving it, but your footsteps. You pitied yourself, and you knew Fyodor did, too. You felt pathetic.
You took your hand off of Fyodor's and didn't look at him.
Your emotions were taking control again. And your bird heart, a very fragile heart, it was begging to be drained off of blood. Drained off of the life fluid. And you were too, internally begging to be drained of life, drained of misery, and drained of the only things that made you human, even though you often didn't feel like oneβ emotions.
Fyodor just stood there, his hands clasped behind his back, and his head tilted to the side, with loud silence, with interrogating eyes.
"...", you said nothing. You just stood there, and swallowed down with breathtaking effort, with your throat dry, your eyes threatening to drip with tears, and your heart slowly and so painfully, dissolving.
You knew he didn't love you as a person. He just thinks you're a very fascinating specimen. You knew he only loves you as something to study, something to observe, and something to hold. Never something to feel, never something to cherish, and never something as his.
Fyodor could sense it. Sense that you were starting to feel human again. And he knew that to you, feeling human was the worst thing possible. To feel like a human is to feel emotions, to feel like a human is to be vulnerable, and to feel like a human, is to feel deprived of freedom. That was what you thought. That was what you felt. And that was what you hated. And that was also what made you love Fyodor. Emotions were what made you love him. And you hated it.
The love you held in your heart for him was corrosive, it was destructive, and it was dissolving every bit of your heart so slowly, and it was depriving you of something you always sought forβ freedom.
And Fyodor could sense it.
He could sense it all. The silence always meant... something. And you swore you could feel his violet eyes, gentle, and framed so beautifully by his soft, long lashes, burning through your soul with an infuriating amount of accuracy in his judgement.
He then took your hand in his. And gently walked you towards the lake at the end of the garden near the cathedral. The steps were silent, swift, and soft against the wet grounds of the garden.
He didn't say anything. He stopped looking at you and his focus was on his steps. You didn't look at him either. Your gaze was also fixated on your feet as you stayed silent, and let him drag you away slowly.
The walk was supposed to be peaceful. Beautiful plants with beautiful flowers, rose bushes, and berries everywhere, trees standing so tall above everything and occasionally showering the garden grounds with ripe fruits... But it was anything but peaceful.
Your heart was thumping out of your chest like a rabid creature, and you heard yourself nervously gulping down your throat with tears threatening to spill out of your eyelids.
But then you felt wetness on your cheek. How pathetic you are, you couldn't hold yourself. Did you really have to cry? Are you that weak against your own emotions? What happened to the freedom you swore you'd clutch in your hands? What happened to the promise you made yourself that you'd never fall for him?
You thought you were crying. You thought the wetness you felt on your cheek was from your tears, but turns out, it was from the tears of the sky. It's... raining?
Your clothes started to get wet, and the ends of your pants started to get dirty from the walk you were having with your beloved.
Fyodor stopped. You thought he had stopped due to the rain, but he sat down on the wet ground at the end of the garden, facing the lake with beautiful swans swaying on top on the surface. Fyodor pulled your arm down gently and sat you down next to him, his legs submerging in the water beneath the plants. The rain was starting to get stronger, and so was your inner turmoil.
Cold hands brushed through your hair, and settled on the back of your neck. You froze. Right then and there, you gulped so hard, and looked at Fyodor, with eyes so red and watery.
He looked at you and smiled, that same, soft and gentle smile that made you fall for him. You hated it.
But then... He suddenly hooked his arm around your neck and pushed you into the river, his cold fingers straining your neck with harsh effort as he struggled to hold you down underwater. You struggled to breathe, and tears finally spilled down your cheeks, and your clothes started to tear, the sharp broken branches underwater stabbing you in the back of your thigh, with a loud screech in your voice, you spoke.
"Fedya, you siren... How could you do this to me...??"
Your voice broke, and it was the saddest Fyodor ever heard of you.
You had called him a siren. Because that's what he was, now. Was he not? He was lovely, a man who made you fall so hard for him and loved you like you were the most fascinating specimen in his life, only for you.. to drown at the end...?
Did he push and pull, trying to get you to drown?
"Pathetic human, you wish to get rid of what makes you human, you wish to get rid of what you could never be yourself without, and you wish to get rid of something God made so beautifully for you, and something that could never make you feel free, the emotions that makes you, you, the emotions that caged you all your life, will now break down as you drown, and Kolya, my dear, you shall be free ever since."
The emotions that caged you... the cage that trapped you, will only break down when you die. Because you're a human, afterall. Are you not? Every one of God's creation, has emotions. And none hates them. Except you.
And only then did you realise that when your dearest was trying to drown you, he was only trying to bring you to death, to free you from humanity, and to free you from the very emotions that held freedom unreachable to you.
You smiled for one last time, and you were glad he tried. But you suddenly held onto his arm, and tried to drag him underwater as well.
You wanted to take him with you.
If your lover was gifting you freedom and you take it, shouldn't you atleast share it with him?
Your clothes started tearing further up, and you held tightly onto your lover's arm as you pulled him onto your own body underwater, slowly drowning him to death.
But Fyodor fought back, and tried to pull himself away from your grip, and for about five maddening minutes, you both fought around in the water, struggling to breathe.
You quickly pulled yourself upright and let your cloak get carried away in the lake by the swaying waters. What was the point in trying to get it back? Your cloak, your ability was slowly drifting away. Your humanity too.
And you saw Fyodor. His lips blue, his skin looked grey, and he looked ever so peaceful.
For one last time, you bowed to him and put your fallen hat back on, thanking him on his efforts to free you from your emotionsβ drowning you to death.
You were glad. You wanted yourself free. You wanted to die. But then why had you not drown with your lover? Why did you push yourself up from the water and save yourself? Why did you-
The bubbling in the water coming from Fyodor's nosestrills and mouth underwater stopped.
...
Your lover is dead. Fedya is dead.
You had killed him. Why?
Your body started aching terribly and you started bleeding from the inside out, your stomach felt non-existent and for finally, your heart had stopped aching. You were dying too.
And your body is being taken over by your lover. And when you're still alive, you decide to make your last words and reveal something to Fyodor, something only he'd already knew.
"I know you are now taking over my body, Fedya, and I wish to make one final confession with the most emotion I could ever have had in my entire life before I die and reach freedom. I love you. Dearly. Passionately. Like no other."
...
The reason you drowned Fyodor was not because you wanted him to die. Wasn't because you hated him. Wasn't because you wanted him gone. But because you loved him. And you knew of his abilityβ Crime and Punishment.
When one kills Fyodor, the punishment to that crime they just committed would be that Fyodor, after dying, would take over their body after his death by their hands.
And that's what you wanted. You wanted him to take over you. You wanted him to become you. And you wanted to die as a punishment to the crime of loving him.
And it's happening.
When you looked down at your hands, they weren't yours. They were Fyodor's. Pale, bony, and cold. You were already turning into your beloved.
You cried. Tears caressed a wet path along your cheeks as you felt your life being taken away from you, slowly starting to belong to your belovedβ Fyodor.
"You set me free."
Soft voice, a little shaken and broken, quiet and peaceful and soon, gone.
...
Fyodor, now clad in a half-torn black and white clothing, resembling a jester's outfit, wearing a tophat with a cane lying down near his feet, looked at the clothes he was wearing, and looked up above at the sky which seemed to cry at the sight of his dearest Kolya gone. It was still raining.
"Kolya... "
Silence responded. Nothing except for Fyodor's own broken voice.
"I didn't have to sink for you to be mine."
And just like that, you became one within him. Because you had drowned and killed Fyodor, your body was taken over by Fyodor. And you finally got to belong to someone you so dearly lovedβ Fedya.
You also finally got to feel both of your greatest desires coming trueβ reach freedom, and become his.
Truly, a very happy ending, isn't it?
It was already midnight and the moon looked utterly ethereal, and utterly alone, mocking Fyodor's current state.
Fyodor looked at his clothes, or you could say, your clothes, and whispered to himself softly,
"The moon looks very beautiful, Kolya."
And maybe, just maybe, it is a final love confession to his dead dearest.
