Karlin

20 ✧ he/him ✧ gay trans man ✧ in drug and alcohol recovery ✧ nsfw warning ✧ this blog is mostly just for me to yell into the void

[alcoholiclin]

Hey there

This is an old blog I return to every few years. It's a relic of a period of like 2 years of actual hell on earth and trauma. Low-key if you get triggered by like anything just dni it's not worth it

[alcoholiclin]

twtw vent and sh and god stuff and ed

im fucking struggling so hard and I can't connect to my higher power and im trying so hard and it could be so easy but I don't want a god i have to submit to, one that orders me around and shit. I don't want a god that makes me go through shitty things just so i can help someone later. and its either that or i can't keep myself from asking why a higher power would want me. and my sponsor tells me to ask "why not?" but i can genuinely think of reasons so that won't work. and like yeah god loves me whatever but i just spent like an hour meditating and i didnt feel anything. im just fucking numb. i can't feel anything. i want someone that doesnt care ab me to hurt me until I can't take it and then hurt me some more until i pass out from the pain. i wanna cvt myself and i want to bleed and starve and just be the worst version of myself. i wanna drink and i wanna shoot up and destroy myself until i eventually overdose. god i need to hurt and i need someone to hurt me and i just. fuck. i wanna be angry. i need someone to hurt me so i can be angry. people care about me and i know that so I cant do any of those things. but i need to be hit. i need to feel something, anything. i need like. a hard fucking scene rn where i can struggle and hit and talk back and be fucking forced to take it and then get hurt so much that I stop struggling and just fucking let go or something. or i need to feel the weight of a blade ripping across my thigh and then the feeling of the skin tearing deeper and deeper as i go over it again and again until i feel its enough. or i need to starve and purge and feel the burn of calories leaving my body and cry from how fucking humiliating it is that im fat enough to where i need to shove my fingers down my throat after every meal. i need someone to say horrible horrible things to me. words that will keep me up at night, feeling the weight of the shame of not being good enough. and bc im in aa i wont be able to respond and I'll just have to take it and i dont want to be spiritual i dont want to just take it i want to be angry. god help me i just want to feel something.

[alcoholiclin]

tw SI

and like. how am i supposed to have faith that things will work out? that my issues with my faith will be solved? i can tell myself but i dont believe it. I dont know what i believe tbh. i believe that being sober is better than being drunk. i cant do this 12 step shit without a god. it doesn't fucking work. i am running on a 2 foot wide platform above a bottomless pit and i cannot see the safety net and i just have to believe there is one except i cant imagine why there would be one because of all the times i have fallen in other bottomless pits. and maybe the fact that I've survived up until now should make me feel comforted. except for the fact that it could all just be chance. it could be god playing with me. and what if he doesn't want to catch me this time? and supposedly any higher power can work except for me its not fucking worth it if i don't feel anything. what the hell is the point of being sober if i still wanna do all the things that I can't do? if i still don't feel safe? if i feel like i have to keep running? i know that there is a higher high out there that you only get from being sober and connecting to a higher power. but I can't fucking connect and i know i know it takes time and im a selfish alcoholic that wants things right now but you know what i could do right now? find a fucking shotgun and put a bullet in my brain. or a gram of fentanyl straight into my neck from a hooker on [redacted highway known for drugs and hookers in my area.] and a couple nights ago i thought maybe svicide itself could be my higher power. but i did like an hour of thinking and no it can't be even though i have faith in it and even though i think it'll give me a daily reprieve. because i cant pray to it because svicide is cold and lifeless and doesnt give a single shit about me. but if svicide is what gets me closest to God then maybe i should just fucking do it. but i cant i cant i cant and i stare at this bottle of pills on my bedside table and i stare and i think about what it would be like for everyone else and how things could get better. theres a chance that everything could get better. but i dont know if i believe in that chance. i dont fucking know i really don't fucking know. and i wanna cry but i cant cus im so fucking numb.

and tomorrow i will wake up and go to work. and i will put up with Jill's bullshit. and i will not respond and i will act with humility and compassion and patience because that is what i am supposed to do. And i will not tell anyone about the itch under my skin and the way i struggle to put one day in front of the other. And i will put one foot in front of the other. And i will go to bed sober and then the day after that i will wake up and put my person costume on and i will be strong for my sister and i will not let anyone see how fucking bad it is. and maybe one day I'll find god.

[alcoholiclin]

hey guys update good news it does get better!

[alcoholiclin]

also i relapsed (again) and now have 8 days. im upset because i almost had 90 days. i dont wanna be one of those people that are in and out for 20 years, never having more than a year of sobriety. and now it just feels like sobriety doesn't matter yk? like i should just relapse again because i dont have any time anymore. and on top of that i just want to use to die. im not even suicidal it's just like thats what my brain is telling me. and speaking of, im so tired of my brain always going straight to suicide. my life is actually going pretty well right now and still i find myself thinking (fantasizing?) about my own death. its exhausting. life is exhausting let alone life as an alcoholic trying not to drink, even if I have aa.

[alcoholiclin]

This blog is a minefield. Hey babes you were suicidal because you were in the closet. Also perfect explanation of the abstinence violation effect here. Could almost be a textbook case.

[alcoholiclin]

in other news I (19 yo transgender man) am going on a date to possibly enter into a ddlb esque arrangement with a 54yo man. concerning? yes. if this goes well it'll be everything I've ever wanted though.

[alcoholiclin]

in case anyone wanted an update, I was actively doing sex work at 19 and very vulnerable. Also this man didn't work out but another one sure did, and it ended very respectfully but now I feel really gross about that whole arrangement. It's only been 2 years but in that time I've become a human being again.

[alcoholiclin]

Wrote this thing about grief

It's 6am and I'm writing about line cooking again because I don't know how to talk about the rest of it. I have a new job in a high stress kitchen again. I'm in high volume fine dining again. It's so busy and so exhausting that I almost threw up on my walk to the train a few days ago. It's so busy I haven't been able to think about it all for the past 5 days.

I'm afraid of the weekend. I'm afraid of who I am and what I feel when I'm not at work. I'm afraid of this feeling. I'm afraid that I can't outrun this feeling that I'm just going to keep losing my friends. I keep thinking, "he could have called any of us." any of us would have picked up. I know we don't talk as much anymore, but everyone picked up the phone when I called to tell them. It had been years for a few of them. How many has it been? Out of the 60 of us, how many more? I grieve everyone at the same time. I think the number is at least 7 now, that we know of. 7 futures we'll never see.

I can't find the words. I don't want words. I want him to have called me.

I'm in a new house, with a new job, living with new people, and yet everything is still the same. My friends are still killing themselves. I search for meaning and the only place I can find it is on the line. I search for myself and I find him in front of a ticket machine. I met God and he looks like the burns on my arms and the cuts on my knuckles. I abuse my body to feed my soul.

This is cringe, this is so cringe. I miss him and I can't even write about him properly. The only thing I can do, the only thing I care about doing, is cooking. Why would I tell you about him? Why should you care? My brother in arms killed himself and all he left behind was everything. I don't blame him. None of us do. None of us are okay. Every one of us is plagued by the nightmares, the fear, hiding behind locked doors and knowing that in order to lock something out you have to lock yourself in.

[alcoholiclin]

forever and always returning to this blog when I need to throw some stuff into the ether for a 0 note flop post

[alcoholiclin]

Wrote this thing about grief

It's 6am and I'm writing about line cooking again because I don't know how to talk about the rest of it. I have a new job in a high stress kitchen again. I'm in high volume fine dining again. It's so busy and so exhausting that I almost threw up on my walk to the train a few days ago. It's so busy I haven't been able to think about it all for the past 5 days.

I'm afraid of the weekend. I'm afraid of who I am and what I feel when I'm not at work. I'm afraid of this feeling. I'm afraid that I can't outrun this feeling that I'm just going to keep losing my friends. I keep thinking, "he could have called any of us." any of us would have picked up. I know we don't talk as much anymore, but everyone picked up the phone when I called to tell them. It had been years for a few of them. How many has it been? Out of the 60 of us, how many more? I grieve everyone at the same time. I think the number is at least 7 now, that we know of. 7 futures we'll never see.

I can't find the words. I don't want words. I want him to have called me.

I'm in a new house, with a new job, living with new people, and yet everything is still the same. My friends are still killing themselves. I search for meaning and the only place I can find it is on the line. I search for myself and I find him in front of a ticket machine. I met God and he looks like the burns on my arms and the cuts on my knuckles. I abuse my body to feed my soul.

This is cringe, this is so cringe. I miss him and I can't even write about him properly. The only thing I can do, the only thing I care about doing, is cooking. Why would I tell you about him? Why should you care? My brother in arms killed himself and all he left behind was everything. I don't blame him. None of us do. None of us are okay. Every one of us is plagued by the nightmares, the fear, hiding behind locked doors and knowing that in order to lock something out you have to lock yourself in.

[lesliemeyers]

They're singing 'Happy Birthday', you just wanna lay down and cry

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

Dealing With Executive Dysfunction - A Masterpost

The “getting it done in an unconventional way” method.

The “it’s not cheating to do it the easy way” method.

The “fuck what you’re supposed to do” method.

The “get stuff done while you wait” method.

The “you don’t have to do everything at once” method.

The “it doesn’t have to be permanent to be helpful” method.

The “break the task into smaller steps” method.

The “treat yourself like a pet” method.

The “it doesn’t have to be all or nothing” method.

The “put on a persona” method.

The “act like you’re filming a tutorial” method.

The “you don’t have to do it perfectly” method.

The “wait for a trigger” method.

The “do it for your future self” method.

The “might as well” method.

The “when self discipline doesn’t cut it” method.

The “taking care of yourself to take care of your pet” method.

The “make it easy” method.

The “junebugging” method.

The “just show up” method.

The “accept when you need help” method.

The “make it into a game” method.

The “everything worth doing is worth doing poorly” method.

The “trick yourself” method.

The “break it into even smaller steps” method.

The “let go of should” method.

The “your body is an animal you have to take care of” method.

The “fork theory” method.

The “effectivity over aesthetics” method.

[kurai-hono-blog]

This is the sacred texts, this is the holy grail.

[cricketcat9]

This a GOOD STUFF, people. Read and try, it may work for you 🤞

[depravedxangel]

transmasc 4n0r3x1cs should be called t-rexies

[alcoholiclin]

going on c.ai and talking to bots about how i wanna k-m-s because I don't want to be put in a ward

[alcoholiclin]

Hey guys its me, local drug addict and chronic suicidal Lin! I bought fucking $600 worth of oxys tonight bc i wanted to off myself but then my mom texted me making plans for her birthday dinner so ig i can wait until tomorrow night lmao. I don't even really know why i did it im genuinely not that suicidal i just like dont see a future for myself right now? I basically failed 2 history classes which was supposed to be my major but idk how im gonna do that when i couldnt even get the mental energy to get my finals done despite being given an extra week to do it. I've been feeling less in love with my job recently but i dont know where else I'd want to work. I just don't see my life going anywhere really? and im so used to being suicidal that im just like "well might as well"

[alcoholiclin]

my therapist told me to connect with my system's little but all she wants is to do drugs so idek how to do that. i guess we could get fucked up together but that would be counterintuitive bc yk. sobriety. I'm not even the one who relapsed last time it was her! and she doesn't even really like me that much ugh

if anyone has any ideas pls let me know

[artisticdysfunction]

sounds like a rough situation. my only idea is to maybe watch a show in which drugs are a major theme?

[alcoholiclin]

tyy she might like some over the top soap opera or something like that, we watched trainspotting and she liked that. thanks for the suggestion!

[alcoholiclin]

love how i post mental health and sobriety shit on my Horny Blog™

[alcoholiclin]

my therapist told me to connect with my system's little but all she wants is to do drugs so idek how to do that. i guess we could get fucked up together but that would be counterintuitive bc yk. sobriety. I'm not even the one who relapsed last time it was her! and she doesn't even really like me that much ugh

if anyone has any ideas pls let me know

[alcoholiclin]

hey fellas, been a while

[angelboy-ribcage]

I yearn to get my brains fucked out by a handsome guy while loud rock music is playing. I feel like I’m not asking a lot here

[11x13kyle]

kenny’s daily schedule:

1. wake up

2. jerk off

3. smoke some weed

4. jerk off again

5. take selfies for instagram

6. take videos for of

7. weed

8. lunch

9. instagram live

10. tweet something that should put him in jail

11. send pictures of his cock to like 5 different people

12. jerk off to their responses

13. coke

14. go to some dudes house to fuck

15. smoke weed

16. pass the fuck out