Many of us can relate to growing up in households that did not have great boundaries. In my specific home, there were no bed times, poorly communicated limits, physical discipline that crossed lines, and often times scenarios where taking on someone elseâs feelings or making oneself responsible for anotherâs feelings were the norm. Oh! And to all my other Latino friends out there, you may know this, but the word âboundariesâ, in this context, does not have a translation in Spanish. It is no wonder that our culture is more familiar with the word âlimitsâ. Keep in mind that you have already crossed boundaries once you get to limits. (Please know that I do not have judgement or resentment towards my parents as they were doing the best they could, and they were a much improved version of what they grew up with. I love them so much!).
Friends of Earth, I have a new awareness today that I did not have two days ago! I have spent most of my life Avoiding the need to  set up healthy boundaries like a beast! If you remember, this path is about making new decisions, choosing to step into engagement, and using all experiences as learning opportunities to catapult growth. So, I changed my mind and plan to be the Queen of Boundaries, or at least a Dutchess or something until I get the hang of things.
Yesterday, my boyfriend made a joke that rubbed me slightly the wrong way. In my old life, I would have chosen to get mad/sad, give my power away, let the emotion burn deep inside, allowed my mind to spiral and create scenarios, lingered in the state of âwhy did this happen and why did he say that to me... doesnât he know better! Iâm a good person, I donât have to put up with this! I donât even know how to bring this up to him. What value does my word or opinion really have anyway?â, only to bury it, and then settle to be a victim... of a casual joke that had no ill intention. Gosh! That was exhausting!
Today, I have so much more perspective. My mentor (Tammy De Mirza) has brought to my attention that I do not/did not have any boundaries. Through her guidance, I now have awareness that growing up with unhealthy and minimal boundaries as a child lead to me become a slightly taller version of that child and a disempowered adult.
Frequently finding myself suppressing opinions, not having a clear sense of my own identity, and not feeling empowered enough to make decisions, became the unconscious norm and status quo of my life.
When I was married, I found myself relying on my partner for happiness, depending on him to make big decisions, allowing him to manage a significant portion of our responsibilities, and eventually I found myself fearing a life without him. Self battery talk looks like this: âWhat would being without him look like? What is my value if Iâm not in this relationship? Well, this partner is much better than several partners before him and he takes care of me, so I will walk on eggshells to keep the peace and I will be accommodating in order to be the perfect wife and mother so I do not loose this portion of my identity. I donât really need to share my opinion with him because he wonât really get me and that could put me at risk of not being valuedâ. (What the actual ***k! Yes, the real life Janet has a really trashy mouth with a loving disposition. Namaste yâall!).
Fast forward to today, and I donât even know who that person is anymore, but I do remember her. Today, I CHOOSE a commitment to myself to prioritize my opinions, goals, needs and values on a totally different level going forward while keeping in mind that the growth process takes practice and actual execution!
So, how did I address the sweet, goofy boyfriend who made a joke that I could discern as being outside of my comfort zone? I honored my feeling. I did not like his joke and told him that I did not find it funny. I also explicitly stated, âI am drawing a hard boundaryâ on this joke and these are other parameters that fall under this same guideline. His response: âFair enough and understood as well as respectedâ. He also knows that I value change in behavior in addition to the apology. The true apology is the change of behavior.
Now, how does avoidance play into the disliked joke? In the past, old Janet (the one that existed Before Tammy... weâll discuss my life BT and AT in another post) would not have said anything at all, and buried this emotion because it did not necessarily have value or a right to be expressed. This would have been me simply repeating patterns of the childhood and not honoring myself. This type of action frequently resulted in me carrying emotional weight and even illness.
I am still learning how to walk in my truth and speak it, so I am thankful for a mentor that helps me with these realizations and a boyfriend who has a high emotional intellect and is compassionate. These two offer a safe space and make it easy for me to want to come out of the protective shell I have worn most of my life. It is freeing!
Waking up to the fact that avoidance has been a huge result of an emotional crippling I experienced growing up is so refreshing. It makes it easier to simply observe the avoidance and lack of boundaries as a predicament and a choice. So, today and going forward, I choose to overcome my predicament.
Though it may look small, this exchange of words with my boyfriend has been such a great act of self-love. I now understand why showing another person boundaries is love, for both the other person and self.
P.S. Belief Systems = BS. Now sit with that for just one moment.
A significant portion of my insight came from Tammyâs Power to Choose Programâ˘ď¸ where she really has you observe your life as a reality that you are creating. I highly recommend it if you are ready to make true changes in your life. â¤ď¸ đ
