386 pages into royal assassin. just going to write this down to attempt to visualize the insane love quadrangle dear fitzy has somehow found himself in via sheer dogged devotion and a desire for the people around him to be less lonely than he is.
So Fitz and Molly have been in love for years, and they both know this about each other. because fitz is a kings man, and royal blood, he needs daddy’s permission to marry anyone. everyone acts like fitz is crazy for not knowing this. they spend months in the castle together ignoring each other and drowning in courtly love and pining and “on the turret stairs”ing and cursing the insurmountable distance between their statuses.
they’re so sad. they feel so alone and slighted. all they can think about is each other and they’re not even allowed to SPEAK lest the rumor mill starts up. it’s unbearable. they are 16. they are INCONSOLABLY horny about it.
fitz begins to have nightly wet dreams, which he describes as the ~only respite of his day~ in that time.
fitz has been projecting his nightly slow burn forbidden romance touch starved ass traumatised ass pent up ass wet dreams at verity. which verity does not immediately tell him about!!!! why he waits to tell him i cannot say!!
eventually verity is like hey man i’m sorry but i canNOT keep having your wet dreams dude. unfortunately im gonna need you to pretty much stop dreaming at all? because otherwise you’re gonna dream about this chick so frantically that the psionic shockwaves hit me all the way across the castle.
so fitz just accepts that he doesn’t even get to have his fucking TEENAGE WET DREAMS anymore. that even this most private and basic of privileges is denied to him. accepts it and moves on and doesn’t talk to the woman he’s frantically in love with whose movements around the castle sit in his peripheral thoughts at all fucking moments of the day.
so eventually when he snaps and tries to kiss her and then refuses to accept her common sense because he’s TIRED and repels down a rope to her room prison break style with an open zombie bite on his stupid neck of COURSE they start fucking like rabbits every time they see each other. they are teenagers in the sexiest possible situation there is literally no other option here jesus of nazareth would have caved under these conditions.
AND EVEN HERE! when he finally rebels! does something for him that is good and restores him!! there’s still his cuck ass wolf trying to give running commentary on his stroke game!!!!!
like i cannot believe that this boy has mysterious and unknowable brain magic and literally all of it inevitably leads to him blasting psychic radio porn on all wavelengths. like he cannot catch a fucking BREAK he’s the loneliest person alive and nothing of himself belongs to him not even his own sex life. i am SICK
so he gets that figured and he’s getting laid now and all is right and oh have we mentioned yet that fitz carries his uncle around in his head pretty much nonstop these days? like second player? like live verity reaction?? fitz pov livestream???
so even when fitz is going around by himself he’s still taking verity on a walk, you know? he’s still planning his day around creating a pleasing schedule for him.
i don’t even think this is really a problem for fitz. he LIVES to serve. he loves to be thoughtful and to help the people he loves and at least during this book he’s on a BIG verity kick in the way only trauma formed codependency can inspire. so he thinks hm. what does verity need to see?
oh yes! kettricken! verity needs to see kettricken out and about and beautiful and vital, like the way fitz sees her! then verity will finally look at her like she’s been dying for him to do all year!
let’s not forget, folks, that the entire time fitz is doing all this other stuff, he’s been hanging out with the queen on the REG! he’s arranging pots with her, she’s inventing plato’s allegory of the cave, he’s thinking about how lovely and regal she is.
and wouldn’t it just be so nice if verity would pay attention to her! she’s down so atrocious. so he brings him around to watch kettricken be hot and vivacious in the Queens Garden and we do not get intel on if Verity cares even!! Verity isn’t even really paying attention to anything but his goal. He thinks Kettricken is lovely, a born leader with courage and honesty. too young and too beautiful and too sweet for him, he who is so old and weak in his tower and with only a soldiers experience of the outside world.
so this whole time Fitz is spending his nights railing the shit out of Molly and his days going on a guided walking tour of all the ways one may fall in love with Queen Kettricken. and he’s not consciously aware (though, really, he’s consciously aware of very little. god bless the magically assisted intuition!) of this for a good solid chunk in the book.
and then he starts getting blasted with porn on all wavelengths from fucking VERITY because he’s finally gotten it together and looked at his wife without fear and realize they want the same thing, she’s bad as hell, and she wants him so atrociously it makes fitz feel like he’s in active battle.
it’s just. all together. the weird brain sex and the real sex and the subtextual sex. what has my poor guy even gotten himself into. we haven’t even MENTIONED the mysterious jester god who keeps informing fitz he’s the hero of a fantasy series and is campaigning actively for the weirdest relation the champion of weird relationships.
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