It dawned on me this morning as I opened my eyes: the truth. All this time, Iāve been referring to myself as having perfect health and a better physique while I was vegan. I know I wasnāt the image of perfect health at all, but I never truly allowed myself to look back and see what was truly happening. My mind was clouded and corrupted by blindly believing that I had done what every human should be doing for optimal health.
This new (more honest and objective)Ā perspective was brought about by 2 things:
Iāve read a few blogs and listened to a few podcasts of ex-vegans who all referred to themselves as having been weak and emaciated.
I showed my boyfriend pictures of what I thought was me at my healthiest and, bless his soul, he was honest enough to say, āBut angel, you look sick thereā¦ā
Iāve probably been avoiding the truth forĀ a few months now, always believing that all these other ex-vegans, now high fat / paleo advocates were right about themselves but certainly not right about me. I canāt say why I was doing this. Perhaps I found comfort in sticking to what I thought I knew about how to be fit and healthy.
Regardless of why I held on to these old beliefs, I now see things a little more clearly. I realise that even though Iāve gained some unwanted weight, and Iāve struggled with some health āissuesā recently, that I am looking more healthy and human than corpse-like. Iāve also started looking morĀ objectively at some of the vegans I looked up to, and noticed that while they do look a whole lot healthier than I did, we share some common traits that are just not at all the image of health.
At this point Iād like to take a moment to admit that not all vegans look sick and emaciated. There are some truly inspirational veggies out there that have great physiques and actually look healthy too. Iām not sure how they do it, all I know is that it was most certainly not working for me.
Now is as good a time as any to show you the difference between where I was and where I am now (just in terms of overall health).
This first picture is one I posted proudly on my instagram profile. I woke up one morning last January (2015) and looked in the mirror. I wasnāt holding my tummy in, and it was flat! Iād always wanted flat abs! This definitely fueled me and made me believe even more strongly that what I was doing, was working. I guess almost anyone would look at this picture and assume that I am a fit and healthy young lady:
My boyfriend, at first, also really admired my determination and dedication to getting to that point. His enthusiasm didnāt last long; in fact, as I swiped across myĀ screen and loaded the next (uncropped) image, he immediately blurted out, āIām sorry to say, but you look really sick there.ā No, he wasnāt being mean or trying to hurt my feelings, but spoke from a place of true concern for my wellbeing. I didnāt appreciate his honesty at first, but as I sit here this morning I couldnāt be more grateful that heād been so honest.
There are a few more images of me looking not-so-good. Images I looked at in awe and with pride, thinking that I looked great. The lack of fat in my diet was clearly clouding my judgement ;)
āLook, Mom! The dress I wore to my 21st birthday celebrations is way too big!ā (and I look incredibly dead!)
Post-haircut; pale and corpse-like
Pre-face mask; not a happy human!
Okay, I only had 2 hours of sleep, but I still didnāt look too good here
This was one of the better days, but I still didnāt look healthy
Do you see what I see today? Yes, I was skinny, but at what cost? I finally see just how emaciated I looked. Sure, I hadnāt caught the flu in more than a year, but does that really mean that I was healthy? Look at those dark rings under my eyes, look at how dull my skin was, and notice how it looks like my eyes had sunken in to the back of my skull. Not very attractive, is it?
Here are some more recent images. I still have acneĀ in most of these, and I have gained unwanted weight (as I mentioned before), but notice that my skin no longer looks like it belongs on a corpse and that my eyes are just that much more alive.
Starting to look healthier
I look a little less corpse-like here, donāt I?
Ā± 1 month after reintroducing animal products and increasing my fat intake
Zeolite face mask! My eyes are a little more vibrant here than they used to be a year ago
Running on very little sleep here, but Iām a little more alive than before
Certainly not the image of perfect health, but in comparison to where I was before Iād have to say that Iāve come a long way and Iām proud of myself for it.
As I sit hereĀ today, I realise for the first time that this journey called life is not about perfection, but about progress. It no longer matters how fast or how slow that progress comes along, as long as itās there. My body has a lot of healing left to do, and I respect that. I have goals Iād love to meet and Iām working towards them daily. The difference between who I was and who I am today is that I wonāt punish my body if it doesnāt respond as fast as Iād like it to, but rather take not of the small changes that will, one day, add up to bring me to where Iād like to be.
Health is a journey, not a destination. Iām learning, one day at a time, to listen to my body and to give it what it needs to heal and to thrive. If I can understand my body fully, then Iāll have achieved something that very few people have achieved before. I still might not have my dream physique or optimal health, but I will be that much closer to knowing exactly what I need to do in order to get what I want.
If all you get from this post is that you should be proud of how far youāve come, or that you should look at yourself objectively and love yourself enough not to punish yourself, then I have achieved another one of my goals. We shouldnāt hate ourselves or continually punish ourselves (physically, emotionally or mentally) for not being perfect. Look at how far youāve come, see the little improvements and give yourself a pat on the back: Youāre moving forward!
Iād love to hear from you ā have you noticed any positive changes after taking a more gentle and objective look at yourself? What have you done to bring about these positive changes?
Feel free to comment below, or like the shewasvegan Facebook page and comment there :)
Until the next blog post, keep moving forward and love yourself wherever youāre at right now ā¤
A more clear-headed look at my journey thus far. Living low carb has changed my life for good! It dawned on me this morning as I opened my eyes: the truth. All this time, I've been referring to myself as having perfect health and a better physique while I was vegan.
