Midnight Musings

Sometimes words heal scars and sometimes they cause them. This is the byproduct. pen name: wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

I don't like the physical world

I hate the weight of it

I get told I'm lost inside my head

But here I'm weightless

©wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

Stop running through my mind, I can't get you out of my head

©wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

24 years I've been looking for love in everyone else, but it doesn't matter how many times someone says they love you. You're never going to feel loved unless you stop hating yourself.

©wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

A note to myself:

I know that we don't always get along. In fact, most of the times we're enemies. I hurt you deliberately. I neglect you. I talk down to you. I just wanted you to know that I'm trying to change. Yeah I'm still screwing up. I make terrible decisions, but I'm trying to be nicer to you. I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to find that love for you that I once had. I know I've been hard on you for not being who everyone expected us to be, but I'm over that. I don't care who we were supposed to be, I just want us to be happy with who we are. So, I love you. And I'm proud of you. And you can stop looking for that in other people because we have that in ourselves. You're strong and you can do this. I believe in you.

©wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

You left a bad taste in my mouth. I'll chase it down with tequila

©wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

Today I got up. Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal. But today I got up when I felt like I would never be able to move again.

©wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

You can tell me you're different

I've heard that before

You can say that I'm crazy

I've said that myself

We can go back and forth

But the truth of it is

We're not meant for each other

It is what it is

It is what it is

You're calling me up

I'm ignoring that shit

You're texting me crazy

A book and a half

I'm showing my friends

And all of them laugh

Cause this is insane

This is insane

Never got your attention

Till I took mine away

Now you're screaming and yelling

Got something to say

How does it feel

When things don't go your way

When things don't go your way

It is what it is

You may be a choice

I'll always regret

But you are a lesson

I'll never forget

I'll never forget

[allinthismoment]

I wish I was numb. I wish I could just sit here and let everything happen and not let it affect me, but I feel so alone. I feel empty and unloved. Every time I try to push it down, it all spills out. And what spills out most is all my insecurities and these poisonous thoughts

I don't think you care about me. I'm not sure you ever did. And on TV we watch these shows where the people are in love and they're telling each other these passionate speeches about how they feel when they're together and it's like they can't breathe when they're apart. I don't feel like that. Am I supposed to? Do you?

I wish I was numb because then I wouldn't care. I wouldn't feel the need to try so hard. To try so hard to keep you here.

[allinthismoment]

I hate dreaming of you, I always wake up sad.

[allinthismoment]

I was so empty and cold

So I lit a fire to keep me warm

And when the flames got out of control

I didn't try to put them out

Because my life is up in smoke

But at least I'm not alone

[allinthismoment]

You keep holding your breath waiting for something great to happen

But darling, don't forget to breathe

© wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

When the fire died out so did I, but it was always hungry and I had nothing left to give.

© wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

I stare at blank walls

Count breaths. Count seconds.

How long until I feel real again?

© wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

Silence claws its way up my throat, builds a nest in my mouth, and calls it home.

We fight.

I spit blood but still words don't come.

©wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

I could get lost in orange skies

Drown in them for hours

Scoop them up, serve them with a cherry

Swallow them down and be happy forever

©wolveswatching

[allinthismoment]

Pressed flowers, dusty rose walls, gold faucets spilling warm water, bubble baths in candlelight

Full moon, incense, tarot cards, closing your eyes and being somewhere else, dreams that come true in unexpected ways

Too loud music matching too fast heartbeats, loving every minute of it, screaming in unison, something bigger than yourself

[allinthismoment]

Adulthood was supposed to be:

Parties, 3 a.m. adventures, unexpected road trips set to long playlists, looking out windows pretending life is a movie

But it feels like:

Rusted swing sets, ghosts of laughter, overgrown grass poking through cracks in cement, cold grey skies