i’m not fuckin letting this go. can ANYONE tell me what sexual attraction means. the only definition i have gotten so far is ‘seeing someone and wanting to fuck them based purely off attractive physical features’, which is not the average human experience of attraction. what is this mysterious experience that non-ace people collectively experience, that asexual people collectively don’t, that’s a big enough deal that not experiencing it mean people will oppress you.
it just fucking means wanting to have sex with someone it’s not that deep
cool but there are plenty of self-identified ace people who have and want sex so like… either their identification as ace is wrong or your definition is wrong
aces have sex either to please a partner/reproduce, or to satisfy a sex drive.
sex drive is different from attraction, because sex drive is general while attraction is wanting to have sex with a specific person.
so what you’re saying is that ace people can want sex, but it makes no difference to them whatsoever who they’re having sex with?
additionally this definition really seems to contradict labels like demisexual which… revolve entirely around only wanting sex with specific people lol
ok as an ace person who has sex and still doesnt understand the concept of sexual attraction just think about this: straight people see people of the opposite gender and feel attraction, but when they see someone of the same gender they dont feel that attraction. and gay people same, they find attractive people of their same/similar gender but they dont find attractive people of the opposite gender. also, logically speaking, if these people are attracted to someone, chances are they would have sex with them, but wouldnt have sex with people they’re not attracted to.
this doesnt apply to everyone because gay people can have sex with ppl of the opposite gender and not…die from it, and also enjoy it. so ace people can have sex with someone even if they’re not sexually attracted to them. and demisexual is a term that some people identify with because maybe they only started experiencing attraction after a long time they’ve been in a relationship.
ok, so: first off, people don’t see someone of their preferred gender and immediately desire sex with them. that’s not how people generally operate. attraction is the result of multiple factors, appearance being just one of them. also, being attracted to someone doesn’t mean you will have sex with them!
and…. no, gay people don’t actively seek out and enjoy sex with people of the gender they aren’t attracted to! that’s straight out of conversion therapy! gay people CAN have sex with people they aren’t attracted to, but that’s frequently a result of compulsory heterosexuality/internalized homophobia/being closeted.
additionally, this still doesn’t really address the issue of what attraction IS. someone looks at a person and feels attraction: what is that based on? physical appearance? emotional connection? biological drive? do ace people experience none of these things wrt sex, and if not, what’s the benefit of sex and why actively seek it out?
I didnt… say that gay/straight people see someone on the streets and go like “YES I WANNA FUCK THEM” (also because this would imply that bi/pan people want to fuck everyone and thats fucked up to even think about). I said they are conscious of which gender attracts them, and which doesnt. and that there is a CHANCE that they would want to have sex eventually with someone of this gender. i didnt say they would want to have sex with every single person, anywhere, anytime without knowing them.
secondly, gay people can realize they are gay AFTER having experienced with people of the opposite gender due to compulsory heterosexuality and due to the fact that they still werent sure of their identity at the time. it doesnt mean that the sex they had before realizing they were gay had to be awful, forced, uncomfortable or tremendous and that upon realizing their true orientation they start hating to death the straight person they slept with. it can of course be awful and traumatic, many gay people get r*ped and put through conversion therapy and that is not the case i was referrencing (and also if you think that me, a lesbian, could ever think that gay people might enjoy corrective r*pe then there is a big problem here). plus i made the example of gay people but i could also have said that some straight people experience with their same gender without being gay/bi just out of curiosity, and even if they didnt find it hideous they still dont consider themselves to feel attraction towards their same gender.
and on the “benefits of sex”. ace people dont see any gender as sexually attractive, and sexual attraction for what i see, is finding someone hot, sexy, wanting to kiss them, wanting to make out with them, maybe even wanting to have sex with them (either with time or immediatly, it happens both ways). if your ace you know this doesnt apply to you because you see the difference between your perspective and everyone else’s. but still, sex is sex, and unless you’re sex repulsed (which has nothing to do with asexuality) you can enjoy it. if your ace and dont want anybody near you in an intimate situation like that you can always masturbate, because you still feel good while doing it and can feel the desire of doing it. doesnt mean you start developing an attraction to one or multiple gender just because you want to get off.
i hope this explains better, im seriously trying my best to make others understand because its hard!! its really really hard ok, i know but at least try.
i tried to respond to this but tumblr destroyed it as usual.
you didn't say that, you're right. that's something I've gotten A Lot in response to this question, but you didn't say that, and I'm sorry for projecting that on you.
i think the difference I'm seeing between the gay/straight example and asexuality is a straight person who experiments but ultimately decides they're straight doesn't continue to actively seek and enjoy gay sex, and vice versa. there's a big emphasis on how ace people can enjoy and want sex while actively identifying as ace, so i guess I'm just not sure... why?
like, it's possible to have sex without being attracted to the person, but there's a million reasons given for that. some people have told me it's about emotional connection and nothing physical, some people have told me the exact opposite, some people have told me it's because it makes their partner happy, there's a lot of different reasons. which makes sense, but most of those (the way i think of them anyways) are part of sexual attraction! I'm getting really offbase here. i get that ace people can have sex, i just don't understand what this nebulous concept that all ace people collectively don't experience, all non-ace people collectively do, but doesn't influence behavior in any meaningful way, is.
in the end, i don't care about any of this in the context of ace as a personal identifier. if quantifying your experience of attraction helps you then go for it. this only matters in the context of ace as a class identifier and the idea that it's an oppressed class.
