NARCISSISM
Today I noticed this video of TedX on Narcissism: https://www.facebook.com/TEDEducation/videos/1189584104388127/ I tell this story only because I wanna inspire others to believe in themselves, and never allow anyone to control your life! I am certainly not a victim of this situation. I have manifested and attracted this myself unconsciously, because I was touching in darkness trying to find the light switch so I could see my path clearly and know what direction I had to go. I wasn't aware of what I was doing. I was seeking with my eyes closed... I've experienced this narcissistic behavior with someone I've worked with and someone I was very close with for several years. I finally had the courage to let go, leave him behind and move on. But it took awhile and I had to fall a couple of times. It felt hard to ignore this negative behavior, because I always believe in the pure, honest and innocent light that burns within every individual. And it wasn't negative all the time. But a lot of energy was sucked out of me for many years, and I just couldn't keep up anymore. I would've lost my own sanity if I stayed any longer. I felt mentally used and broken. It felt like he used me just to make him feel good, so he could get the attention he needed. After some weird situations and people telling me I had to leave him because he's being a narcissist, I actually saw it coming in the beginning but I always respect everyone the way he or she is, and I'm stubborn enough to be wanting to experience things myself to see the truth. I believe in creating your own reality. So I didn't pay attention to the negatives and only focused on the positives, as I always intend to be doing with anyone. But in those years, at first he was the most charming, nicest guy I've ever met. We had a great connection together. But quickly enough I saw the insecure, vulnerable little boy who was always trying to proof himself to the outside world. Craving for the acknowledgment he never seemed he got. He never was satisfied, and when I came to that conclusion I actually read this in his journal one time when I spend time at his home when he was cooking. He wrote down this single phrase with a red pen in the middle of a white page in front of the journal; "Why am I never satisfied?" This gave me a sneak preview inside his mind. Because I was willing to make things work. But reading this phrase only made me feel more compassionate towards him and I felt bad for reading it so I never told him. When I told him about my feelings in a disagreement or fight, most reactions I received were; "You're funny. Thanks for making me laugh! Hahaha..." "You're acting like a child!" "You're stupid, really." "You can not call yourself an artist." "You're unprofessional. This is not how it works." "Stop wasting my time. I'm here to work, not to speak about your problems!" "Why are you always complaining?" "I'm working my ass off and you only complain. You don't do shit!" Or when I was speaking about spirituality, which held my head up high during this drowning period; "You're with your head in the clouds." "You think you're a sage, but all you do is daydreaming." "Be real and get out of this bubble!" "You're always speaking wisdom, but your actions show differently." ...and - how ironic it seems - later on he went to a psychic to tell him about his previous lives, and eventually he wanted me to go there too (which I never did). One time I believed I inspired him when he told me in a defeated tone; "I wish I was this wise...", as a response on what I told him after a big fight, when people were leaving us, again; "It's OK to be in any emotional state as long as you don't intentionally hurt others or yourself, and it's important to keep focusing on the good vibes, on what you want with ease and no resistance, instead of forcing things to go a specific way... You can not force people to work for you, it only creates resistance. You can only motivate them with love and appreciation." Unfortunately things gotten out of hand several fights later, and I couldn't help him or myself feel any better. Never have I ever met anyone who pushed me down so deeply until it hurt so bad, that I almost believed it was true. I almost thought I was egoistic, worthless and I wasn't a real artist. I thought I was being the narcissist. But then I saw the reflection of the world (friends, family, acquaintances) telling me I'm perfect the way I am, that I'm having this positive energy which inspires them to be themselves too. I receive so much love from all around the world. And if 9 out of 10 are telling you how wonderful you are, it must be true, right? I always prefer to be modest. But, to stay positive; this person also has taught me a lot about myself, made me feel like I could conquer the world at times and gave me a lot of creative inspiration, which I am very grateful of... After this experience I realize that all of this narcissistic behavior towards me never had anything to do with me personally. But only with how he feels from within...and he must've felt bad about himself as hell. I actually feel sorry for him and I truly hope he's happy and will find his way on his journey. I wish him lots of love and peace. This whole experience gave me new perspective on my life's journey and I only became a stronger and wiser person. He helped me grow as a spiritual human being by giving me contrast so I could find out what I don't want, in order to know what I do want. Now I know better which way to go. And I'm ready to move on and write a new chapter in my book of life.....