the cringe blog isn't deleted. just private, and locked with a password.
though I am heavily contemplating deleting it.
Unfortunately, deleting my custom blog that I've had since I was a teenager isn't really as simple as just pressing a button.
But there's so much to think about behind that decison. And maybe some of what I feel is from me being sick, and admittedly, off my medication, for the past few days.
I have a lot to say before I leave things as they are.
I suppose you can take this as a confession of sorts.
Like I said in the pinned post of my blog, I'm extremely sensitive
Over the time of me being in the spamtenna side of the fandomā I've absorbed a lot of things, and internalized a lot of things.
And even though I know none of it could possibly be direct towards me specifically, I still found myself internalizing certain criticisms.
Of how to portray the ship, the nuances behind it, the characters, how they act, etc.
and I know everybody has their preferences.
But I have found myself feeling bad about how I portray the ship compared to other creators.
Who portray them with such beautiful complexity, that explores the range of emotions of like.
Loving someone. Losing them. Feeling anger. But still wanting them. The mourning of a relationship lost.
People make such beautiful stories and works of art surrounded these nusances and depth of emotions.
And I've seen the occasional opinion of. People expressing their distaste of portrayals that brush over that side of their relationshipā
The anger, the sadness, the betrayal, which is essential to their dynamic.
(keep in mind. This isn't. Directed towards anybody particular, or any particular post. I couldn't pin point a user or post if I tried. Or even quote or paraphrase wtf I'm talking about. cause I read the shit, and immediately tried to push it out of my mind, but I internalized it anyway, oops.)
I suppose, being someone who mainly draws and portrays fluff between the two, I, for some reason or another, internalized that as being criticism directed towards me specifically.
In reality, I know that can't be the case. I know people are just talking about their personal taste, on their personal blogs, in which they can express their tastes.
And it's absolutely nobody's fault except my own.
But I just feel this weird looming feeling of inadequacy and dread hanging over me. It makes it hard for me to create. Makes it hard for me to like or reblog anything as well. My anxiety is making it hard for me to enjoy the fandom spaceā
I'm trying to be true to myself and create things that make me happy...
Idk it's just really hard.
When I see things that are so much better than mine, and stumble across opinions that express dislike of the things I like to create.
I feel this weird pressure to either make things more like the things people like, or stop posting.
Even when I was keeping up with my medication and in a better headspace, this feeling was so large and crushing
I try to tell myself "Holy shit, two cakes" and "I'm just playing with my toys" etc, all that good Tumblr motivational fandom stuff
But it's just not fucking working.
Especially combined with the struggle ofā not even wanting to exist anymore in the first place.
Which I'm trying to keep separate from the rest of this.
It's not like. The previous stated stuff CAUSED my suicidal struggle.
I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for most of my life.
This is just. Stuff that's piled on top of it. Like a little extra surprise on top of my usual depression.
Anyway what I'm saying is like. It's hard to wanna keep creating and interacting when I've internalized so much negativity, and when, on top of that, I struggle to even want to continue exist.
It feels like everything I make is a bother. It feels like my existence online is a bother.
How can anything I make be enough when I am not enough?
If I delete my blog I can't tell you if I'll continue to live afterwards.
That's probably going to scare some people.
I don't know if I can find it in me to care right now.
What the hell does it even matter
And this will sound so pathetic, and like "touch grass" and I promise I do touch grass, I go outside, I talk to my family and friends, but even still, my comfort characters, my art, my stories, that's it.
I'm hanging on by a thread, and yes I have people irl who care about me. But when you're like me and you're scared everyone hates you you don't really tell them everything.
And y'know, on that note, my friend who's with me right now has been saying over and over "I'm worried about you" and "are you okay?" for the past few days. And it's been really confusing.
I don't feel any different, and yet he's so concerned.
Well. Like I mean I feel bad mentally but that's not. New?
I'm stupid. My blog is fine. I'm fine for now.
Just need time to think and make my decision.
"Do I stick it out or do I finally disappear?" That's what I'm asking myself"
blakekathryn
dailybridgerton
germansingergirl
jacobvanloon
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner
ellievsbear
izzy806
kianamaiart
baratheonpilled
