Better by Now - RITUAL
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@ammarh
Better by Now - RITUAL
My Goodbye to Tumblr, and Invitation to Live.
Photo by Sara Rassi
This is my last “recents.” When I close doors, I don’t open them again, and this site is something I’m leaving behind in 2016. It was nice to be able to channel energy into writing here at times when I couldn’t train or move or just needed extra bandwidth for my mind to let thoughts wander. Nothing even had to make sense because I wasn’t really writing for others; it was more for the sake of seeing all my thoughts in front of me so I could then organize them in my head. And it has served its purpose well. I’ll come back many years from now to see who I once was and possibly reminisce (maybe, if I remember, idk, or I’ll hire someone to permanently delete everything on here to avoid hellish nostalgia). I’m grateful for this, for those of you few who have kept up and interacted, for those that I’ve gotten to know and some that I even have met in person.
The semester was crazy but full of growth. The semester drained part of my work drive because of the huge load of classes filled with meaningless work. It just made me restless to put even more energy into what matters, and that’s my training and in cultivating meaningful friendships with people. It’s the perfect time to get back to the grinder that I’ve always been. I’m starting to feel hungry again like I was before these major breakthroughs that came this past year. I worked for those too, but it gave me an unnecessary feeling that I can take a breather for now. And that’s not who I am. There’s the reason I can’t sit still. And being a firm believer in being able to tell a lot from the way someone literally moves about their personality, it’s true that I can’t stop moving in any aspect in life.
Some close calls, but I definitely got through the toughest semester of my undergrad career, overachieved on firm requirements and have secured my family’s future. This next semester, although just as packed with 21 credits and full training schedule, won’t bother me at all. It can’t, and I’ve worked hard this semester to ensure that. I’m going to cherish this semester. It’ll be the last time I see a lot of these people for years as well since I’m always so ready to put things behind me and move on to the next phase. It’ll be my last round with a uni that I worked nail and bones to get into after hitting rock bottom. No one can take this away from me.
As a martial artist this year, I’ve grown leaps and bounds and hearing it in passing conversations between my instructors does my heart good since it’s been a rough year in terms of doubt and progress. I was promoted in all three of the arts that I practice. I wasn’t sure if I was growing the way I could be, but a lot of doubt was put to rest recently with some testings and meaningful conversations with friends, training partners, and instructors. I’m sprinting into this next year head up and swinging.
This coming year, I’m going to move away from a region where I’ve started to feel like home, and that nomadic pattern of my life has caught up with me and is saying “it’s time again.” And I’m answering that call. I’m going to start over in seclusion in a new city and cultivate my character and life for a year or two before I come back to the region I’ll call home, better than ever before. I’ll be able to take care of my small family from a distance that I need to keep for a little, while we all grow through that. And I’ll keep attacking life there between my visits and adventures, striving to make a positive impact everywhere I go, working with the best, training with the best, and chasing the best that the city has to offer before I outgrow it and come back.
I’m going to make everything that I’ve done in life so far look like a warm-up for what’s to come. I haven’t even scratched the surface of the person I can become, the martial artist that I’m to become, the impact maker that I aspire to be in the communities I involve myself in. I’m nowhere near my prime in any aspect of life and I’m shaking with the excitement of it all. I have years to go, and I’m just warming up.
This is my goodbye. If you take nothing else from me, just take that life’s short. Laugh, bond, call that upset friend, bring your mothers peace, meet new faces, forgive, laugh some more, chase growth, find your passions and let them drive you. Then share those and impact others positively with them. Wake up everyday remembering that everyone wants the same basic things out of life. Everyone wants happiness. Everyone means well. Everyone wants to live the most enriching and meaningful lives possible. Remember that nothing is lost in enriching someone else’s life, in pulling up someone else, in wanting the same for someone as yourself, in being more vulnerable, more raw, more empathetic. The differentiating details between us all just save us from boredom and banality. These sentiments echo in every religion, body of philosophy, and culture in one way or another because these constructs are for (if not by) humans, naturally. So let’s be a little more human. Let’s live consciously, and fully.
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P.S: If any of you are ever in D.C, Philly, or NYC, feel free to get in touch to hang, shoot, eat, and adventure through my cities with me! Instagram is actually a fantastic way to get in touch with me and I promise I’m hella responsive!
INSTAGRAM: AMMARHABIB
The semester is winding down and I have quite some recents to catch up on, including what happened tonight. I’m ecstatic to begin editing all the video footage I’ve gathered past couple of weeks for my first vlog series as well! More on that after I’m done finals. I’m clocking out Saturday morning after my 8am final.
Update: neck is better, as per usual fast recovery, but still stiff in mornings and not good enough to train intensely yet. Had to wear the brace for just one full day, but this injury gets worse each time. Getting back in the gym tomorrow though. Shadowing until I can hit something solid, walking on max incline, maybe light rowing if shoulder can take it, etc.
Gotta’ get these appointments set up as well. Need to start physical therapy soon. Most likely not competing this coming Saturday either. Trying to accept it sooner than later that I won’t have won a single bjj tournament before year end and at my current rank.
Fuck literally everything.
Injured neck. 2.days.before.tournament. Almost made it, but no. Everything hurts and I fucking hate it.
So fuck everything. Also big people who come in to roll. Seriously hate it when these motherfuckers that bench trees come in and just force positions with pure strength. Fuck that they’re able to do that. Fuck that this art isn’t proving its use for me like it should. Fuck that my instructors idea to prep me for a submission only tournament in my weight divisions was to have me go against people that have 100 pounds on me, points, and with gorilla strength. It just fucking injured me again and I’m out again. After waiting four fucking years to compete again in attempt to know for myself if I’m getting anywhere.
Fuck that I gave 6 years of my damn life to these arts that have kept me alive and feeling alive. Yet I’m never home. I don’t go out weekdays when all the things happen, barely know what it feels like to be a college student and barely muster the energy to live on weekends when I could have spent this time meeting people I can have meaningful friendships with instead of just recovering on the little down time I get between 21 credits. Fuck that all I do on off days is try to recover. Fuck being exhausted all the time last few years, giving everything to this passion and being mediocre at best in one art, and still a fucking novice in another when I could have been so much more at any other academy. Fuck this.
Fuck constantly getting injured when I need to be at my best the most. Fuck these silly kata. Fuck floats. Fuck reading a useless book and having to write a report for one of these arts. That’s not what I train for and kills what I loved bout what I do. Fuck not being able to train the way I should without all this silly shit in classes. Fuck going to one of these academies for the sake of spending time around my biggest role model and ending up having to worry about being one of only two students there and stuck with people 200+ pounds, out of shape, old, and just being a fucking practice dummy for getting crushed. Waste of my fucking time. Fuck going to the other academy and training in one art only once and in another only once a week.
Fuck that I’m trying to go to sleep and am getting bitched at about something I don’t wanna care about.
I cannot wait to leave this region. There is too much time between now and then. Work on myself, the way I want, alone, with a fresh start, some legit academies to train at, with no one holding me back. I don’t know what the fuck to do about the neck still, but that’ll come too.
Then I'm gonna come back and take out every single one of these big motherfuckers that ever thought they could step on the mat and win by using just their strength and size against me.
Saturday, October 29
Golden Hour at Jones Point
Let Me Go - Logic
In case no one got the memo, Autumn is back in the form of @alexandra.tiana || p.s thanks for unintentionally letting me use your coat for my impromptu AmmarForZara2017 shoot 😄
The Foolish Wait: A Photo Set
With Nursena Acar & Tiffany Nguyen
No citizen has a right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training…what a disgrace it is for a man to grow old without ever seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.
Socrates (469 - 399 BC)
Always leaving parts of me in the city. || Time Go by Caught a Ghost- the song I'm reminded of looking at this now. There was a train going by and the song was running through my head while watching that scene. (at Broken Washington D. C.)
MY SHOT JUST GOT FEATURED ON THE WALK WITH LOCALS FEED MOMENTS AGO!
Recents: Fall is here.
Today, the weather was finally not confused! It was consistently Fall-chilly and windy all day and it was GORGEOUS! Fall is finally here in the region.
Found some great new music tonight so I’m jamming pretty hard. OneRepublic dropped an entire album. Chainsmokers has another nostalgia-inducing track out. John Legend put out heat, and more.
My neck is doing a lot better, even though I don’t know if it’s properly healed yet the chiropractors aren’t the greatest. They’ve given me some workouts I can do to strengthen my neck but their entire business model revolves around telling me about 50 others things that are supposedly wrong with my body so I go in thrice a week for the next three months. So this Tuesday is my last visit there and I’m moving on by finding a physical therapist.
I think I’m still set on competing November 12. Same day as UFC205 so I’m hoping the positive energy flows through the whole day.
I’m still happy to know that I have Walk With Locals gatherings to look forward to each week. Now that I have my own go-to happenings on weekends, part of that social life absence I was feeling recently has been fading. The adventures I’m going on with these folks are truly enriching and something I’m grateful for. It also keeps my creative side alive and developing.
My mum finally spoke to me again today after weeks so there’s a difficult conversation looming about the huge change that’s coming up at the end of my final year of uni.
I’M GONNA BE HANGING OUT AT THE FACEBOOK HEADQUARTERS IN DC WITH MY COFFEE CREW! THIS COMING SATURDAY. Third year as a social media and marketing consultant for non-profits there.
I love my dojo fams. There’s a couple of guys competing and we’re all rallying and tailoring training to prep them and it’s just so heart-warming and blood-pumping to see! Can’t wait to cheer for them from DC since both tournaments I wanted to compete in, US Grappling Laurel and Battle of Baltimore are happening this coming Saturday and one team mate is competing at each.
I’ve made a new training resolution to care about my recovery just as much as my training. There’s no doubt that I go ham every time I hit the mats but the burnout I’ve felt lately was because I felt too guilty taking a class or two off, but when you’re training at least two hours 6 days/week, there has to be proper recovery on top of eating like I’m training that much. I’m 22- now’s the time to make adjustments and go forward better before finding myself at 30 and realizing I went through the past 10 years of training without hitting even near my full potential.
Still doesn’t feel like I’m taking 21 credits. I’m either substantially better at handling much more with ease, or I’m just too relaxed and it’s gonna punch me in the face later.... Nah I’m pretty sure it’s the prior lol
Things are good. There’s everything to be grateful for. But this WEATHER FOR SURE THOUGH! =D
"So what do you shoot?" "People in moments." You know the ones I'm talking about. Those fleeting, beautiful, nostalgia-inducing ones. The ones you can print, stick on a wall and light up the room with. Those frames in life that you wish you could freeze and go back to years later when you're wondering where those strangers-turned-friends are now and what they're up to. The ones that make you hope they're well. (at National Mall)
Yo it's frustrating how goddamn beautiful some people are. Like what... Who the... How in frikin hell.... UUUUGH.