Amor Fati

ego fatum, amor fati

[amorfatiguy]

We are forced to believe that we owe our parents for being brought to life, being born. This belief is usually used by parents to control our life, to force us to do things they want us to do. Even, they make that thanking them for bringing us to life is an obligation.

They should acknowledge that none of us asked to be born. It is their responsibility that we exist.

On the contrary, they should thank us just for being born, for our existence in this life.

Also, it is actually not our responsibility to pay back what they give us. If we do, they should thank us even more. And we should call our act as an act of benevolence instead of responsibility. Because we don't have any responsibility for them.

It doesn't mean that we should not enjoy our life. Many parts in life are good and fun; friendship, love, music, art, nature, and many other things.

Only, being brought to life is not our responsibility.

And, being told that you are obliged to do certain things for being grateful of your existence could be a subtle form of blackmail.

[amorfatiguy]

And in the end, we have to kill God with our newly-sharpened machetes. We cut God's head off the body, and put his head on the tip of a spear.

We will parade in the city, and bring his head to biggest square in the city, then we display it there, to show all people of the city. Finally, we will dearly announce that God is dead in our hands.

For every blood shed on our hands due to the killing of God should be seen as an act of benevolence, to free our souls from any control.

As for the idea of God can't be used anymore as a mean to control us by those with authorities; corrupt governments, blackmailing parents, or fraudulent religious leaders. To justify their actions, to prevent us to do what they don't want us to do, to force us to do they want us to do, to make us communal herds.

And now, we can freely choose what we want to be, as God is dead, nothing greater can be used to control us. We would have no more predefined purpose of our existence, to follow those in control.

We could be new Gods if we want to, but that is not necessary. What important is that we have destroyed the control tool they have for a long time.

The future is ours now. We decide, we together, as different individuals. And we have to build our own new pillars, that could be different in each individual. As now we are free from pseudo universal pillars that root in the idea of God.

We human beings should be free to define our own ideals. And no ideals should not be seen as bad. As ethics is universal already, we shall leave it be.

Now, no single soul would be condemned in the name of God anymore.

[amorfatiguy]

Sometimes I feel like I wanna cry, but nothing comes out. It is either my tears have dried out, or there has been no real things to cry about.

[amorfatiguy]

I don’t want to live, neither do I want to die, nor even something in-between. Existence is unbearable at the first place, and there was none of my consent involved when I was dragged down into this world.

Since I was born, I don’t have much choice. All I can do is not dying, or simply choosing a decent reason to die. At least, not stupid enough to be put as a headline on a morning newspaper.

I don’t even demand a happiness anymore, since happiness is an abstract concept that not all of us can agree upon. Whilst reality is too bitter to taste, the demand of happiness is too excessive to be fulfilled.

Well, I don’t know much about life. But, people say that we all should keep living despite not knowing what to live for.

I don’t know, I really don’t understand, and I should stop questioning.

[amorfatiguy]

Being Anything, But A Man

I want to be anything, but a man

A man, whose existence is a menace to his own

I want to be a bird, that flies up there in the sky over the yellowing rice field

I want to be a butterfly, that hops from one flower to another

I want to be a firefly, that lights up few dark gloomy nights and dies afterwards

I know, I wish I could fly because I think flying around is the only way to gain total freedom

4-3-2022

[amorfatiguy]

I've been off the drugs for 2 years or more now. And this feeling starts crawling into my soul again lately. The uneasy feeling that I somehow forgot during the off-the-drug period of time.

I start asking whether i am actually free of it or it is still part of me. I don't know which one is true.

Some of the time I think that I still need some Xanax to calm myself down. But, I'm sick of the doctor when he questions me about things that I don't really care about. All I need is the prescribed drugs he would give to me. Other things are none of my business.

Now, I can't do much since I don't have any pills on me anymore. Maybe I can still smoke some cigarettes to calm me down, or drink some booze if I have some. I keep this unhealthy coping mechanism as people say, but that's all I can do.

But, whatever I still have to do shit like this as long as I can endure.

[amorfatiguy]

The Guy You Slept With Last Night

The guy you slept with last night had his mother died on the other day

The guy you slept with last night dumped his kids with no food with no money after his divorce with his last wife

The guy you slept with last night did not know your name and did not even care all he cared was the taste of your body and his fantasies all over you

The guy you slept with last night spent a lot of money on hookers, booze, and powder

The guy you slept with last night thought you were a slut

And, that's all you deserve

The guy you slept with last night

Yogyakarta, December 10th 2019

[amorfatiguy]

I don’t understand why we must do certain things in this world, why we must have plans, hopes, dreams, descendants, or decent social status. To the point that those things are some kinds of obligations to us, living human beings. By which, without any of those things we can be seen as a major failure.

As for we don’t really have choices in life, why we are swamped by those things to fulfill our existence that we didn’t choose at the very first time? Why can’t we make those things as choices? For examples, we could choose to have hopes or not, we could choose to have dreams or not, we could choose to have descendants or not, we could choose to have a decent social status or not, without being seen as a failure.

Why can’t we withdraw entirely, we hide ourselves, for example, inside a cave to retreat far away from the sparkling world? To be a monk with no desire, meditating ourselves in total tranquility, or even to be a cricket that chirps in the solemn nights.

And, in the end, I don’t even understand why we must keep on living.

[amorfatiguy]

The hands of the watch tell time, and the scratches on it tell memories.

[amorfatiguy]

I will remember the kisses

our lips raw with love

and how you gave me

everything you had

and how I

offered you what was left of

me,

and I will remember your small room

the feel of you

the light in the window

your records

your books

our morning coffee

our noons our nights

our bodies spilled together

sleeping

the tiny flowing currents

immediate and forever

your leg my leg

your arm my arm

your smile and the warmth

of you

who made me laugh

again.

Charles Bukowski

[amorfatiguy]

Men have feelings too, they just don't show it as often as women do. It is either; they don't know how to express the feelings, or they just choose not to.

Men don't show their feelings because it is easier to deal with harsh reality when there are no feelings involved.

As men are more prone to dealing with rejection, treachery, hatred, violence and any other things. Thus, showing their feelings and putting too much energy on their feelings do nothing more than harming themselves.

Men don't show their feelings because none really cares about them, including majority of men. Even, the worst, men themselves don't care about what they feel.

Unlike women, men are never seen by their mere existence, by who they are as human beings who can also feel. So, what they feel doesn't really matter, what matters the most to them is how they react to what is around them.

Welcome to men's world!

[amorfatiguy]

God is dead, and must be dead. Life is too absurd to have the possibility for the existence of a God.

World is too eerie to be true. Things that happen are terribly gruesome. With all of these immense cruelties, it is impossible to have a God who controls everything that happens.

If God does really exist, with omnipotence, all-knowing, all-powerful, full of control of everything, he must be a psychopath with disgusting looking eyes. Who watches every eeriness that happens in this world without any intervention, despite the power and the ability to control it.

If God does really exist, he watches every poor man dying on the streets with no help. Although, those men are mostly those who seek God's help the most. Does God really know people's suffering?

If God does really exist, he watches every kid abused and mistreated, even with his name justifying the actions. Is God aware of that?

If God does really exist, he knows every human who suffers, who can no longer bear any of it. Is God willing to help them?

If God does really exist, I would be one of the ones who rebels against God, to topple him from the throne, for everything that happens to this world. Or, does he really have control of everything that happens?

[amorfatiguy]

A Reason To Live

Nothing sparks my interest anymore. Nothing seems to bring excitement, not even delicious food, fantastic trip, fabulous journey or any other things.

It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy those things. I do enjoy them. In fact, everything is great and fun. It is just that I don't find interest and excitement I used to have.

Perhaps, I am too used to them, that I can get those things too often, to the point that I don't find interest and excitement in any of those things anymore.

Or, I am not used to them anymore, that I don't really get any of those things that can bring me interest and excitement.

I don't know which one is true.

I don't even know whether it is necessary or not to have a reason to live.

Do we really need a reason to live to stay alive?

Or, can we just go all in without any particular reason?

Does life without a reason to live have a meaning?

Or even, is the meaning of life necessary at all?

I don't understand any of those. I am totally confused.

Perhaps, I need something to cling on my shoulders to have a reason to live for, so that I can find interest and excitement in whatever I am doing. Or, it is too much weight on my shoulders to bear that I can't even find interest and excitement in what I am doing.

I don't know which one is true.

[amorfatiguy]

Rain In November

rain in november reminds me of the train station, cigarette smoke, the minimart in the corner of a parking lot

and how i said "I'm going home" although I knew I didnt want to

rain in november reminds me of the last plane leaving out the city bringing something i would never see again

and how my feet brought me when i had nowhere to go wandering around the city in the midst of the cold night

rain in november reminds me of the smell of the booze how i kept drinking although i was too wasted to drink

"smile! why don’t you ever smile?" that voice echoed in my head a thousand miles away through the thin air

"one last shot. i promise." i said to myself "and last november" i whispered then i went blackout

11-22-2021

[amorfatiguy]

I am so fortunate, that the only unfortunate thing that has happened to me was being born.

myself

[amorfatiguy]

On Not Wanting To Live

There is a feeling that all of us might ever experience at least once in our life. The feeling that often makes my hands trembling whenever I am thinking about it. That is the feeling of not wanting to live.

No matter how good our life goes, with all the things we get and all we achieve. Realizing all the things in our life will eventually vanish into nothingness. The time when the tremendous amount of emptiness strikes us in the face. Not a single thing really matters to us.

That, life is meaningless with the futility it comes with. No matter how many times we give a meaning to it, it will eventually become nulled. Which means, for some particular reasons, the meaning you give can't be relevant anymore.

about the journey you take about the adventure you have about the people you are with or even about the coffee you sip every morning but, do they even have a meaning?

People might come to your life to offer a meaning. But, people come and go, as people leave, the meaning goes with them. And the more you feel sunk deep into meaninglessness.

But, it is what it is. Life doesn't have much to offer us. Do we even have a choice?

Inspired by Emil Cioran

[amorfatiguy]

if i die tomorrow

do not be sad

do not mourn

do not feel sorry

you should know that

i will be happy

if i die tomorrow

don't tell me about the sunshine

about the mild wind

about the beautiful moon

or about the things you're keen on

I don't find them interesting anymore

instead,

tell me about the storm

about the dead bird lying on the streets

shattered

alone

or about the long days without rain

i've got no water to drink anymore

then i'll sip the last drops of water

in the only bottle left

Surakarta, 2020