i wasn’t able to swallow pills without applesauce or pudding until i was like 22.
my mom became addicted to vicodin when i was a kid and i learned to hate pills even besides my aversion to swallowing them. i was afraid of taking too much tylenol. afraid of pain medication.
one time when i was 16 i had a really bad infected tooth and i had to wait weeks to get into a dentist. the pain was so bad my dad gave me half of one his vicodin. i ended up throwing it up, because i was basically overdosing.
when i was 18 i was given hydrocodone after a surgery. when i took it i felt like i was dying, like i was out of my body and i was dying and no one around me knew. i only took it twice because i needed to, then never touched it again.
after that surgery i was given morphine because they wouldn’t let me leave the hospital until my pain was manageable. i understood then why people abused substances.
at 21 i started snorting adderall.
after becoming chronically ill at 22 i started to understand why people use heroin.
for my ocd and ptsd i was given an anxiety medication that’s hard but not impossible to abuse. since i’m so sensitive to medication, abusing it is a line between being high and being sick. i found that line.
eventually the line kept moving and now there isn’t one, i’m either at baseline or sick, so i started looking for new ways. i started looking online for where to get pills.
i fiend for them at my lowest, when i just want to die and i need to feel something other than everything.
“i just want whatever pill won’t make me feel like this”
it feels less like fun now, and more like i am part of a cycle. this was all by design. “i’m just like my mom”, because we’re of the same class, the same lineage, we carry the same ailments.
the difference is my mom had an addiction, i just want to escape.