♡Andi♡ @andireneepower - Tumblr Blog

Everything's changed. I have a boyfriend and I love him, more than anything... yet all I think about if how fat I am. I hate being fat. It's even harder because I had to eat after a surgery I had early in July. I dream of a life after a gastric sleeve or liposuction...

#promia

Trickling

That feeling when the cold metal smoothly glides against your skin, leaving red lines where you chose to place your art. The control sets in and you begin meticulously placing them, as if you're painting with that cold little blade. The red begins to trickle along your skin, like a water color paint that's a little to thick to blend out... it's your own form of artistry...

#self h@rm #body #chilling #mentally ill #the unforgiven #alone #forgotten #unloved #hated #pathetic

That Funny Feeling...

Remember as kids when we got ice cream before dinner or you went on that really big roller coaster without an adult? That feeling of overwhelmed joy and excitement, or when you're a teenager running around a playground with your friends after smoking weed in the car. That funny feeling of rule breaking and adrenaline rush that sends tingles down your spine and puts butterflies in your stomach... That is the feeling I crave, down to my core I pray for an adventure to give me that feeling, even just one more time... There are some things that will always give me that feeling, like speeding down the highway during the sunset, blasting music, feeling the last rays of the sun glowing on your face, or laying on a beach in shorts and a tank top on warm summer days, watching the sunset along the skyline. I will never let go of that funny feeling or let it slip through my fingers like water through a cracked glass....

#writing #author #growing up #teen years #friends #that funny feeling #drifitng #never grow up

~Safety Blanket~

The word begins to feel like it's caving in... everything becomes so utterly surreal, high school hallways begin to feel like your impending doom and razor blades begin to feel like the safety blanket you had as a child. When people realize something is wrong those razors are ripped from your clutch like at the age of 12 when suddenly you become to old for the comfort that came from the soft cotton that held all of your secrets similar to Pandora's box. You begin to feel everything unleashing from your heart and soul. The same way everything rushed out of Pandora's box to intoxicate the world with greed, hate, pain, and suffering. The safety blanket you once twirled between your fingertips to help sooth yourself to sleep, even on the nights you knew it wouldn't work because mom and dad aren't together anymore and things are getting bad but nobody will tell you why, because somehow you're too young to understand the world but not too young to have your safety blanket ripped from your hands...

#depressing shit #mental health #bad night #dark and twisty #divorce #pandoras box #childhood #trauma

January 17, 2022

Shit is getting real, I no longer feel like I'm drowning but I still feel like my head is being pulled underwater but I feel like I get time to breath, I accepted that I have my struggles but I know that it's a part of who i am.

1/4/2022

First update of the year, I had a doctors appointment yesterday and I'm down another roughly 6 pounds. I'm feeling worse. I'm depressed and it's worse than before. I feel like I'm drowning in emotions that I don't know how to let out anymore. Why can't I just be okay...

#promia #proana #ed #disorder #empty #faking a smile #crying #2022 #giving up #senior #dark soul #self hate

6prettyhatemachine6-deactivated

my ed when I come back home after a day of eating properly with friends

My Reasons To Keep Going

- Being the smallest friend

- Feeling comfortable wearing skirts

- Not wearing through jeans

- Not feeling humiliated while shopping

- Feeling pretty sending pics to my girlfriend

- Buying smaller jeans

- Eating without feeling guilty

- Buying tights

You can do this. I know you can.

#promia #proana #sweetsp0 #dieting #fasting #weightloss #home & lifestyle #mental health #emo #thoughts #are you fucking kidding me #fatspo #thinner #please

October 24th, 2021

I'm hardly eating, I feel sick constantly. I sort of love it... Is that wrong?

October 18th, 2021

I finally did it. I'm cutting my portion sizes down. One or two small snacks a day. Nicotine, gum, and water are my help. I'm going to be beautiful...

#ed #weight loss #depressing shit #anxiety #food #bulimxa #anarexique #thinspo #mental health #caving #falling #scared #excited

waaytoopoor

I just want to leave like I never existed.

I don’t want anyone to remember me,

I don’t want to hurt anyone.

depression-took-over-my-liiife

August 21st, 2021

I binged and purged again today. I feel horrible. It felt good to purge again and I honestly think that's what makes this so hard. Sometimes I just want to go back to my old ways of not eating and purging after so much as a sip of water.

#miaa #ana #binge #purge #recovery #painful #mental health #im sorry #i cant stop #update

ED thoughts

My eating disorder is not something I'm ashamed of, and many people question me when I say that. My eating disorder is a part of me that I'm proud of. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, like I made myself into a person who pays attention to details, like the numbers of the size on the inside of my jeans or the letters on the tags in my shirts. I share my eating disorder with others in hopes of learning new ways to avoid eating like painting my nails or picking at my skin. I'm almost 8 years into my stand off with mia and I'm not upset that it stayed around for this long. Mia is the only thing that stays when everyone else leaves because things get to dark and twisty.