anyone's ghost.

you said it was not inside my heart

[froglegsz]

this next cup of coffee will fix me

[froglegsz]

im worse now

[annie-perrault]

midnight fathoms | ajay & annie

ajay-benitez​:

[He feels like a horrible ass saying this, but shit—yes, he’s surprised to hear she’s dating someone else. Like, he isn’t even really ‘dating’ anyone else. He’s a flirt, but beyond that…? He’s not actively been out with anyone or anything. 

But it’s the right kind of surprise, as it turns out, because weirdly, that does make him feel better. And it’s not because he wants to be able to like… date her with no strings because he’s a player—he’s definitely not remotely cool enough to be a ‘player’—it’s just because he is genuinely worried about hurting her and he knows himself well enough to be wary around a—and he’s not throwing shade with this but—virginal girl who might get emotionally attached very quickly. And he’s also not saying that (thinking that) because he’s an asshole who doesn’t care—he’s already established quite throughly, in fact, that he does care about her a lot. And maybe he could get into this and decide he wants to, you know, settle down for a while or something. But he doesn’t know, and he was just… worried. 

His brows raise a bit, but he smiles, nods, and keeps listening. 

And she calls him out. Fairly so. 

Because she’s right. It’s not fair to flip flop. And he has been sort of… walking that line, uncertain how he felt about the whole Delusion thing. Because even after they talked about it the first time, it didn’t answer all his questions or quell his concerns about the… confusing grey areas of consent. Her new elaboration though.. it does help clear a lot of things up.]

[He thinks on that a moment, tongue dragging across the inside of his cheek, calm but studious. Then, he smiles again.] No, you’re… very right. It’s not fair of me. But thank you, for calling me out on it and for explaining because you sorta hit the nail on the head with the consequences thing. It’s not so much that you might think I’m not real or whatever, but I was worried you might, er…make choices you wouldn’t in your… other life. In a life you see as the ‘real one’ or like… the one that ‘counts’. [The air quotes here feel necessary.] Like… I’m sorry if I’m being too forward, I don’t mean to embarrass you, and I’m realizing now that maybe I made a lot of assumptions but like… to lose your virginity but also get to keep your virginity? I was just… very aware that like… I don’t know. The whole consent thing seemed messy to me. And I’m really big on consent. [He cracks a smile—because duh, everyone should be.

He clears his throat, and suddenly, he frowns, his smile faltering.] Uh, not that I’m saying we’re going to—y’know. I’m not assuming any of that. But just, uh. I was just worried about that stuff in general. But it’s good to hear—that it’s real to you. That it’s not a consequence-free world or anything. Because I just… on top of not wanting to hurt you, I also didn’t want to take advantage of anything. I wasn’t worried about weird. I’m a bisexual trans guy with a dick by Van Asch Prosthetics, who also happens to be able to move things with my mind. ‘Weird’ has lost all meaning. If it had any to begin with.

[Oh, right. She’d not been expecting him to think she was right, and then thank her for calling him out. Annie’s mouth opens just barely into a little ‘o’ as she listens to his response. Speaking her mind is always a pretty alarming affair for Annie, as she fears she’ll be ridiculed or ignore. But Adrián listens, and responds carefully.

That’s... that’s nice. It’s a very physical feeling of relief, although she does squirm a little when he talks about virginity. He says he’s not trying to embarrass her, but Annie is embarrassed regardless. She’s not even sure why, since she talks about sex a lot in the dorm. It’s just... different talking about it with someone you’ve actually thought about having sex with.

But other than that, it makes sense what he’s saying. Annie appreciates his sensitivity, and how he’s very conscious about consent and things,

She then gets thoroughly railroaded by the Van Asch dick thing.] 

Alois made your dick? [That is probably not the most important take-away from what Adrián has said, and she’s not sure why that’s such a thing in her mind anyway. It’s just... wild. Well, obviously Alois didn’t make it, but his family. That’s just funny, because what a small world Annie has created. What’s not funny is how red she goes, a deep and unflattering flush as she is now thinking about Adrián’s, ahem... oh god.] 

Sorry, um-- um. But yeah, I mean... I hope you feel like you can talk to me about that stuff, you know? Like if you’re worried about the Delusion or sex or whatever, I mean I’d rather that you talked to me rather than just worried about it? Like, I’m an adult, you don’t need to... protect me from difficult conversations and stuff.

Although for the record I think ‘virginity’ is a pretty outdated concept. I don’t have, like, a ‘thing’ that I’m gonna bestow on somebody. It’s not something I’m gonna lose, or something that can get taken. It’s, like... sex. It’s just gaining experience. And what are the parameters anyway? Because if I had sex with a cis girl there might not be any, you know, penetration, but it’s still sex, so then at what point does it go from heavy petting to sex? I don’t know, and I don’t think anyone knows, but basically what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think I’d be ‘losing’ or ‘keeping’ anything anyway. The lines around consent are clearcut by the lines around what counts as sex are pretty, like, spurious, in my totally unqualified opinion.

[annie-perrault]

Into Ruin || Jo & Annie

books-xnd-cleverness​:

Well I don’t know your friends, but I don’t think they’d see it as a burden. [Jo wishes she could be more sure. That she could empathize. She’s good at bottling up her emotions, but not because she’s concerned with burdening people. It’s just easier not to deal with any of it until it all spills over, and then she can clean up her own mess. The only person she’d ever been completely emotionally vulnerable with was Rosalind, and even then she only let loose in tightly controlled bursts. She can’t even imagine worrying about being a burden to others, simply because she never allowed herself the option. Still, she can guess what a normal person might say in her place.] If they’re really your friends, they’ll be there for you.

[She can’t help but chuckle a bit at the compliment.] I think my students would beg to differ. I assign too much homework, all the readings are boring, they’ll never have to use this stuff in real life. All that jazz. Honestly I’m better with books than people. Books make sense, they don’t talk back, they don’t change…[They don’t go through emotional crises.] But, for the record, you don’t need to be in my class to come talk to me. My door is always open to everyone.

✑

That’s probably what they’d say, too. [Annie smiles; watery, sheepish. The girls always reassure her that she could never be a burden to them. It’s just convincing herself to believe them that’s the tricky part.

She thinks Jo’s classes sound nice. Annie always liked homework, and she thought the books they did were really interesting. It was fun analysing them and everything, plus focusing on essays gave her things to do in the evening since it wasn’t like she was overwhelmed with social invitations. So maybe she could take Jo up on the offer, just hang around her class and talk about books and stuff.] 

Thanks. Maybe I will. I used to always hang around classrooms at lunch because I didn’t really, um... the other kids didn’t like me much. At school. [She twists her hands together, fiddling with the edge of her towel. She feels kind of dumb for being so worked up, but she can also feel the hysteria creeping around the edges of her mind. Whenever she was panicky before, in the waking world, her mom would always try and distract her with talk of anything and everything so that Annie wouldn’t think about the thing that was upsetting her. Like Kaiser. He’s so big, but she’s really trying to push him from her thoughts.]  What’s your favourite genre? Like what kind of books draw you in the most?

[She won’t ask for a specific favourite book, because nobody can really answer that. There’s way too many books in the world.]

[annie-perrault]

SAY YOU’LL HAUNT ME || alois & annie

alois-the-real-boy​:

@annie-perrault​

[[ The blanket of grief Kaiser’s death left in his wake has been exhausting, which either does or doesn’t mean much coming from the thoughts of someone who’s perpetually exhausted, anyhow. Alois has been avoiding reminders and conversations about the man at all cost; he didn’t go to the funeral, doesn’t care to address the politics. He resolutely pushes down the idea that the man’s Infection is what killed him, dubbing it ridiculous conjecture — both because they don’t have enough information, and because Alois doesn’t want to believe it. He doesn’t want to believe that, on top of all of the other horrible things his Infection has done to him, it might just kill him, too.

Despite the thick swirl of emotions permeating the colony, Alois hasn’t forgotten his sort-of promise to Orson and to himself; he wants to talk to Annie, offer what explanation he can even if there’s the full potential she still won’t have anything to do with him. The excuses — because that’s what they feel like to him — aren’t good ones. But that doesn’t change the fact that, as Orson said, she deserves to know.

Part of the issue was their paths had been crossing even less than usual this past week, which was saying a lot when they were already fairly hell-bent on avoiding each other in this small colony and their even smaller shared house. Alois could pick Annie’s heartbeat out a mile away, marred and quickened with caffeine and anxiety — and for the first time, as he descends the stairs at some unfortunate-early hour of the morning, he can hear those stuttering beats in some far corner of the common room.

Alois pauses just inside the doorway, his own heartbeat quickening faintly to match. These days he’d normally turn heel and walk back upstairs, let her have the comfort of the room without the discomfort that lingered between them. Tonight, though, he takes the opportunity for what it is; he closes his eyes, takes a careful breath, shoves his hands deep into his pockets, and finally takes a few uncharacteristically tentative steps into the room. Only when he has her attention does he speak, head tilted to the side and voice little more than a murmur. ]]

Hi, Annie. … can we talk? [[ He tries to phrase and tone it in such a way as to suggest she’s well within her rights to say ‘no, we can’t,’ and he’ll respect that and move on. The look in Alois’ eyes, however, doesn’t manage to mask the pleading nearly as well. ]]

[Annie was pretty resigned to never talking to Alois again. It’s not what she wanted. She’d talked to Enoch about it and she knows he didn’t think she needed to like, hear him out or welcome him back into her life just because he apologises, but she does miss him anyway. The quiet, long evenings, the muffled sharing of music, the understanding. But she was resigned to it anyway, because Annie doesn’t think she’s the sort of person anyone is going to go out of their way to make amends with.

And she’d been kind of rude, too. Well, she’d sworn at him, and it takes a lot for Annie to get that worked up.

She hadn’t actually heard him approach. Sometimes Annie gets too comfortable here and forgets to be on her guard; she’s got her headphones in and is listening to some old rock music (Annie likes loud stuff when she’s avoiding sleep), leafing through Pride and Prejudice even though she’s not really taking the words in. And then she starts when she sees a movement, jerking the headphones out of her ears.

The fact that it’s just Alois isn’t really reassuring. He’d hurt her really badly the last time they spoke. He asks if they can talk, and Annie hesitates for a long time. She wishes she could go and ask the girls what they thought, but you can’t just leave like that -- you have to reply when people talk to you. So there’s a pause; does Annie want to talk to him? Doesn’t she know what he’ll say already? Does she want an apology? Will it help? Can she look at Alois the same even if he says sorry? She’s not sure about the answers to any of those questions, but probably if she tells him to fuck off again she’ll always regret not hearing him out.

If she doesn’t like what he has to say, she can always tell him to fuck off later. And she really thinks he would, if she told him to. The look in his eyes is about as hangdog as she’s ever seen him.]

I don’t know, I mean... not if you’re going to be mean again. [She says this mostly out of spite. It’s obvious he’s not come to be an asshole to her, she knows that. Annie can just be prickly when she’s trying to protect herself, and she’s not at all sure how this is going to pan out. It’s a ‘yes’, but it’s a ‘yes, watch what you say though’.] 

[hunterschafer]

HUNTER SCHAFER by Inez & Vinoodh for VMagazine (2020)

[annie-perrault]

rub a dub dub | orson & annie

[vomit tw]

[Janitorial isn’t anyone’s favourite chore, and definitely not Annie’s. She often gets dizzy standing up for long periods of time, and she’s got kind of a sensitive nose when it comes to cleaning chemicals. Her mom always used baking soda and citrus oil and nice, natural stuff.

Being tasked with cleaning the baths isn’t the worst, she guesses. Better than like, the sweaty changing rooms. Except when Annie arrives, she finds that someone had puked in the bath before she arrived. Ew. Eww, gross, ew, and ew. She immediately messages the Elite that had organised things asking for help because she doesn’t like puke at all, and she then darts into the changing room.

A quick change later, she’s taken off her Miffy t-shirt and just put her pink sweater over her bra, with the tshirt wrapped around the lower half of Annie’s face. She did this carefully, so that the little white bunny design is over her mouth, because it gives her something not-gross to focus on. She’s got the end of a broom handle and is trying to prod the release that will drain the bath, when the door opens.] 

Sorry, it’s closed! You can’t, um--

Oh! Orson! You’re on janitorial, right? Are you here to help? Somebody puked, it’s so gross. [Her voice is muffled through her tshirt mask, but her unhappiness with the situation probably comes through anyway. She’d be less dramatic about it with most other people, but she likes Orson a lot. When Annie is comfortable around people she’s a great deal chattier than her shy and retiring demeanour initially suggests.]

@bear-little-loss​

[annie-perrault]

I’M TIRED || Atlas + Annie

atlantis-easte​:

Saturday, April 15th, 2163, 3:06AM

[The dream began the way it always does, with Arthur Easte coming home. It begins the way it always does, with Atlantis bounding down the stairs of her childhood home, each step creaking beneath her socked feet. It begins the way it always does, with Arthur Easte standing in a pool of his own blood.

His head is intact, his head is broken into a million pieces on the floor, his head is intact. His arms are outstretched towards Atlantis, his hands are empty, his hands hold her birthday cake—sage green frosting with 15 white candles brightly lit. “Make a wish, Lany.” She stares at the candles, watching the wax melt onto the frosting in thick white drops. Atlantis shakes her head, knowing full well her wishes never come true. “Lany.” She takes a step towards her father, her white socks staining red as she walks into the pool of blood. Arthur smiles as he holds the cake in his left hand, his right hand coming around to rest on her waist. Something ugly like anger twists in her chest. “Make a wish, Lany. It’s almost over, I promise.” She looks up at her father, streaks of blood spill from the top of his head, cracks slowly spread over his face like glass. Grief overcomes her, painting the room blue with her sadness. Atlantis shuts her eyes, leans forward and makes her wish.

Please be alive when I wake up.

She wakes in the middle of the courtyard, or at least she’s pretty sure it’s the courtyard. It’s been awhile since she last sleptwalked, but her birthday had a way of making the habit resurface. Her mind is still foggy from lack of rest, it struggles to take in any information presented to her, much less process what her father told her. She’s lost in her dream, lost in the memory of her father’s arms wrapped tight around her. She feels as if someone has taken an ice cream scoop to her chest and carved out what little was left of her and her soul.

Atlas places a hand over her chest, fingers curling over the soft fabric of her sweater. Her heart hammers beneath her hand, violent and wild as it always has. She lets out a shaky sigh, whether from relief or disappointment remains unclear. She’s standing under the moonlight like a wraith, gently swaying back and forth trying to self-soothe when she notices the courtyard growing darker. Atlas glances towards Torren Tower and frowns as a familiar black fog unfurls from beneath it’s doors. The darkness rolls down the halls before spilling into the courtyard, a flash flood of inky black water and with it the scent of rotting fruit.

If Miles were here, he’d tell her it wasn’t real. But he wasn’t here to reassure her, he was gone, buried six feet under in a country she will never set foot in again. Her vision blurs with fat tears as the black ink inches closer to the toes of her sneakers. Every step back feels like she’s trudging against cement, each step rattles the floor beneath her. It’s too much energy to spend on a life she isn’t certain is worth fighting for. She’s just so fucking tired. She glances up towards the moon, her light casting over Atlas like a desperate saint calling out for one last miracle.

And maybe she gets it. A door creaks open, although from which dormitory is unclear. The black fog consumes sound and light and all sense of reality with it. She shudders as the ink stains her sneakers, like a snake made entirely of liquid.] Hello? Is someone there?

[Please, let someone be there.]

[Annie isn’t usually one for sneaking out -- makes her too anxious, because if she gets caught she’ll get in trouble and Annie hates getting in trouble. But she’d woken up from a nightmare. Not the nightmare, but the loosely strung threads of a different, secondary one that wrapped around her mind like barbed wire.

When she woke it was with a start, bolt upright in bed, and for the thousandth time she experiences the slow realisation that she’s not really awake. It’s so, so tiring. And the fear of that secondary nightmare is still dragging its claws down her back. It makes her feel unsafe, with adrenaline picking at her legs like her body is telling her to run. When Annie is scared she wants to curl up in her bed and hide under the covers. Or she could even get into one of the other girls’ beds and find comfort with them. But Mira looks so still and peaceful; Lissy is curled up on her side with a little frown like her dreams are far too serious to be interrupted; Maisie is sprawled out with a soft, open mouth and she just looks so relaxed.

Annie can’t bother any of them, so she pulls an oversized soft yellow cardigan around her shoulders and tiptoes down the stairs. She doesn’t bother with shoes because they’d only make noise; her socked feet pad silently.

She’s not really going anywhere in particular. There’s just a physical urge in her to move, so she punches out and carefully eases the door open, and immediately comes face to face with someone. Of course.] 

No! [Annie squeaks her response to the question, hot and cold waves of guilt rolling through her belly.] I mean, I’m not, like, here, I’m not... sneaking out or anything.

[It’s a really terrible attempt at a lie, but as Annie’s eyes adjust to the dim light she realises she’s probably not in trouble. She doesn’t know this woman, but she looks to be about Annie’s age, and every bit as uncomfortable too. Probably not a guard come to bust her ass, then.]

[annie-perrault]

Into Ruin || Jo & Annie

books-xnd-cleverness​:

[It’s interesting, hearing about this side of Kaiser. Jo’s only experience with the man had been getting her ass kicked in the training room, and she would’ve expected the same for Annie. The fact that it wasn’t, that it seems Kaiser was some kind of mentor or protector of the girl, only proves Jo’s initial suspicion: don’t judge a book. Whoever or whatever Kaiser was, he clearly had a soft spot for Annie. A bit of humanity under all that bulk.]

[No wonder Annie is taking his death so hard. And especially in a world like this one, where it doesn’t seem like she has anyone else, the blow must be particularly hard.] I didn’t really know him, no. We sparred once, and I lost, and that was about the end of it. But it sounds like you two were really close. It must be really hard, losing him like that. Especially when your family…isn’t here right now. Do you have anyone else? Any friends you can talk to? [She asks partly because Jo does not feel at all equipped to handle a strange, crying, Deluded girl at this time of night, and partly because. Well. She finds she actually does care. She knows what it’s like to be alone, to be lonely, and she wouldn’t wish that on anyone else. Least of all Annie.

✑

[She isn’t sure if she’d say ‘really close’, but there was something so magnetic about Kaiser -- even if he made you nervous, he had such a big presence that you felt close to him, or drawn to him, or something.

This is probably really weird and uncomfortable for Jo; Annie is acutely aware of that. It’s always awkward being around crying people, especially relative strangers. It would be so nice to have some kind of control over her emotions, but tears just spill out over her cheeks unchecked. Jo still looks so calm, just softly sympathetic. Annie can’t fathom how she does that.]

Yeah, I-I do. I just didn’t want to be like, um, a burden on them because lately I’ve been kind of a mess. [Annie is always kind of a mess. She sniffles again. She knows none of the girls would mind if she went back to the dorm and asked for some support, she just felt like they should get a break from her for a bit. It’s why she came here, for a bath, except now she’s just being a burden on someone else. Casting around for something to get her mind away from death, Annie says:] I wish I was young enough to be in your classes, I bet you’re a really good teacher.

[And she does mean that, even if it’s only coming out because she wants to say something about not-Kaiser. Jo has a calm sort of steadiness that Annie associated with her favourite teachers. The sort that would let her spend lunchtime in their classroom and not force her to talk about why.]

[annie-perrault]

midnight fathoms | ajay & annie

ajay-benitez​:

[He has to give her credit, for his being nearly ten years her senior, she is lightyears ahead of him, maturity wise. At least, that’s how she comes off, when she wants to. Sweet and innocent and nervous as she might be, it seems when she puts her mind to it, and when it’s really important, she can articulate herself in a way that seems much more adult and thought out than his own vaguely incoherent rambling. Though… maybe comparing to himself isn’t setting the bar terribly high. 

He smiles when she says she’d like to ‘register her interest’. It’s cute, because sometimes he forgets she’s almost as big of a nerd as he is. ‘Bad boy’ or not, he’s decidedly not the cool kind. Even with the Grand Theft Auto—though he doesn’t mind pretending, anyway.

He purses his lips when she calls him secretly sweet. Not because it bothers him, exactly, but because she’s already calling him out for being posed to disagree, and so he’s biting his tongue to keep any cheeky replies in check. She’s already got him on that, so there’s no point being that predictable. She’s earned the win, anyway. 

Instead, he chuckles a little, smile downturned to the table a minute before he looks back up at her.] Well… I mean, to be fair, I could be both. Secretly sweet and also a pain in the ass. [He smirks. And she really does look beautiful, tonight—though she always does. That twinkle in her eye and the dimple in her left cheek, that gets deeper when she smiles, brighter when she blushes. Yeah, of course he’s infatuated with her—she’s sexy and funny and sweet. But she’s also twenty… three? Or something, and she also thinks Ajay is just a figment of her imagination and he also is not… great at relationships. That is to say, he’s never actually been in one. Nothing serious, anyway. And he’s not sure what he’s capable of. He likes her, but he also respects her, maybe too much to be particularly spontaneous about any of this.

Though, if it weren’t for the table setting them apart, maybe he’d choose now to give her a proper kiss. As good of a time as any, in some ways.] 

Trust me, Annie. I’m definitely attracted to you. And maybe I could have been more forward but… I’m not, er. Well, I’m not much in the way of… boyfriend material, shall we say. And also… I think you’re wildly sexy, but I also love your company and value your friendship. And I promise, I’m not saying that like… a shitty, ‘I don’t want to hurt our friendship’ line. I just mean… both things are important to me. I would hate to not.. go about this the right way and make you hate me with one of my fuck ups. Because I know you think I’m great and all, but I have to tell you, I feel like it’d be shockingly easy for me to do. You’re actually… like, pretty important to me? But I’m… I guess I’m just worried about… taking advantage of the situation, somehow. And I’m not… commitment isn’t my strong suit.

[He feels like there’s probably a better way of putting it, some better way to articulate what he means that’s more forthright and clear, but he jus thasn’t found it. He’s not trying to beat around the bush, he’s just not great at this. And he also doesn’t want to risk sounding like he’s not interested in her.]

[’I could be both. Secretly sweet and also a pain in the ass.’ Annie grins, because yeah, that’s true. He kind of is both, but in a good way. Like, pain in the ass (affectionate). His whole not-boyfriend-material thing, that’s pain in the ass behaviour, because she’s pretty sure she’d never said anything about that kind of thing.

Like, in a totally linear way, sure, you go on dates and then you’re dating and then you’re a couple. But Annie feels, as a trans person, that it’s her god given prerogative to not do things linearly if she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t know if she wants a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anything, she just knows that she likes making out because it feels nice and can’t that be enough?

It’s kind of hard to feel too righteous about it all, though, because Annie’s never been described as ‘wildly sexy’ before and she isn’t sure if she feels like that -- mostly she just feels gawky and flustered -- but it’s definitely nice to hear it from someone like Ajay, because she thinks he’s wildly sexy, and the idea of someone wildly sexy finding Annie sexy is just thrilling. She always thought that was crazy, like, the statistics of that. There’s so many people in the world, so imagine someone you think is hot also think that you’re hot. Sometimes it seems too good to be true, but plenty of people seem to manage it. Even Annie’s managing it now, apparently.

Although she’s still flustered from that, her mouth turns down in a small frown. What he’s saying is sweet, but...]

Adrián, I’m not like, asking you to marry me or anything. You’re not even the only person I’m seeing right now! Like, unless you’ve got, I don’t know, popping candy lips, I’m not gonna fall hopelessly in love with you just if we make out. [Okay, that came out meaner than Annie intended. She’s just... frustrated. It feels like Ajay has skipped several steps and is freaking out about commitment way too early. Like, she definitely stands by her ‘sweet’ assessment.

She does really appreciate him saying she’s important to her. And she feels the same, especially now that she’s out she feels like she can be real and comfortable around him, and that he understands her in a way most people here could never. But it also kind of worries her in a way, the ‘not wanting to take advantage’ thing, because she thinks she knows what he’s getting at with that.] 

But also, like, if you’re worried about the Delusion thing. I think that’s something you need to pick a side on sooner rather than later because it’s not fair to flip flop on that. And in terms of taking advantage, like... I’ve been here for six years. Consequences here are still real to me. I’m not gonna do stuff just for the sake of it, because I don’t know if this really is my life now. This isn’t just my consequence free little dream world, I live here. I still overthink every little thing I do, y’know, like if I do something it’s because I really want to do it, not just because I think it’ll stop being real some day. You are real to me, and maybe it’s in a different way to how I’m real to you, but there’s plenty of weird things about me so I don’t really know why that’s where you’d draw the line of ‘too weird’.

[Er, end rant. Annie takes a long sip of her wine after that; it all came out a bit more impassioned than she intended it to, especially given she’s the one saying it doesn’t need to be a huge commitment. Like, she’s not sure where she’s going with this, it’s just how she feels.]

[annie-perrault]

Horsing Around || Dylan & Annie

dylan-meir​:

[For a moment, Dylan sees her own discomfort reflected back on Annie’s face. It does something strange with her stomach; a tightening, fluttering feeling. She feels awful about Annie being Deluded– she seems like such a sweet girl– and yet she can’t help a small twinge of relief that at least Annie is as uncomfortable with is as Dylan is. Too many Infected have become used to their new way of living; some even take pride in it. Annie’s reaction, though not pleasant, is reassurance that at least not everyone has lost their minds.]

[At Annie’s suggestion, Dylan does a quick once-over of Queenie and her rider, and adjusts their course accordingly.] Unfortunately, I have to agree with you. Queenie needs a rub-down and I ought to be getting on with my other chores, too. [She chuckles a little to herself.] It’s funny– the time and place may change but the work never does. You’re free to come back, though, any time you like. The horses could always use more company.

☀

[Dylan’s smile is so nice. It’s warm, and makes Annie feel safe -- which is a pretty rare thing for her. She’s usually so nervous around girls, for a lot of reasons. The largest is that she finds it hard to trust that they’re not just being nice to her face and then laughing behind her back, because that’s happened to Annie a lot. But Dylan is so warm that you sort of want to trust her instinctively. It was the same kind of first impression Annie had gotten from Maisie.

Annie’s not totally sure what a rubdown is, though she guesses it’s like cleaning the horse, which is probably time consuming. So she nods as they turn back, and Annie finds herself agreeing readily to the offer to come back.] 

Yeah, maybe I will. [The horse isn’t as scary as all that, and it’d be nice to accidentally bump into Dylan again. Annie’s too shy to ever ask people directly to hang out, but she’s not above awkwardly hanging around specific locations until she can initiate her own meet-cutes.]

FIN.

[tiktoks-for-dead-pope]

[suddenly-sara]

Trans girls give me life… Just seeing them discovering and ENJOYING femininity in such an unbridled way…

[jay-kwellyn]

This feeling is everything

[annie-perrault]

endless beginnings | annie & enoch

rev-enoch-lynch​:

[[ Annie sounds defeated, Enoch smiles, kindly. It’s a good thing, actually, that it’s not a current problem. Means it likely isn’t causing any immediate problems with others. More internally. It is only possible to change ones own actions, that, Annie can do.

Enoch nods saying they’re all really nice —a positive turned into a negative. ]]  When you have those thoughts or worries, what do you do? [[ Enoch leaves it open ended not wanting to direct her answer too much. Does she barrel on through the feelings? Does she change her behaviour? Does she fervently avoid feeling it, ignore it? ]]

Um, I guess I just, like... sit on it and let it fester. Which I know isn’t healthy, but I’m also aware that those thoughts aren’t real or rational, you know? If I tell one of the girls how I’m feeling, then they might think I was like... accusing them of being the things I’m thinking of?

[annie-perrault]

Into Ruin || Jo & Annie

books-xnd-cleverness​:

Good. That’s good. [Jo should be relieved by Annie’s agreement. It’s what she wanted– a reassurance that Annie wouldn’t do anything drastic. And yet her tone, the gravity with which she makes her promise, unsettles Jo to her core. Jo cannot forget, or let herself forget, that Annie is deluded. She doesn’t perceive reality the same way Jo does. So whatever promise she’s making, it’s likely miles from the one Jo wants her to make. Better than the alternative, but still unsettling to say the least.]

Was he? [Annie’s description is surprising. Jo had only met Kaiser once, in the training ring, and the impression she’d gotten had been as far from “nice” as possible. He seemed to Jo to be cruel, taking pleasure in the pain of others, and doing nothing that didn’t benefit him in some way. But, as Jo had so often told others, it was near a crime to judge a book by it’s cover, or the first few pages.] I…didn’t know that. You must’ve meant a lot to him, to have that relationship. And…[She searches for words that, though well-practiced in the early days of the apocalypse, were now buried underneath everything else.] I’m sorry he’s gone. It sounds like you were close, and it’s not fair, and I’m sorry.

✑

[’Was he?’ Jo sounds so surprised, which... yeah, it makes sense. Annie’s aware her thoughts on Kaiser weren’t the norm. It’s not like she thought he was just some sweet teddy bear. There was always a sense of danger about him.] 

I mean, he was like... maybe nice isn’t the word. But you know like, when you see people that rescued tigers and the tiger acts like a cuddly puppy around them, even though you know they could get mad and bite the person’s head off at any time? I guess Kaiser was kind of like that. [Annie sniffs, wiping her nose on the back of her hand. It does help, talking about it. It doesn’t help her feel less responsible, but she at least doesn’t feel as though she is sticking her head in the sand.] 

Did you know him much? I mean, I know everyone thought he was kind of a bad person, or like, scary. [She doesn’t know what answer she wants. Is it easier, if people think he was a monster? Jo’s probably too nice to say even if she did think that.]

[annie-perrault]

you had me at merlot | lissy & annie

lissy-mccall​:

[[ Lissy lays down too, pinkies still entwined, Annie still holding on. And Lissy simply listens. It doesn’t feel like enough, even though it’s all she can do. She’s Annie’s friend, not a therapist, not a mentor not… just not someone who can solve or help solve any of this. It doesn’t feel like enough, even if sometimes Lissy knows all she needs is someone to listen.

Lissy picks up their hands by the pinky, looks at their fingers. Annie has nice fingers, long and slim. Really nice nails (perfect for larger manicures) and she hums in thought. ]]

I… Yeah. That does seem like a lot for a first time, I guess? But. Like. There’s like. Hands…mouth? I never watched any porn, so it’s a total mystery to me. Like, in movies they cut off at the waist! What is happening down there! [[ Lissy jokes, even as there is truth to it. Thankfully once small mercy about the group was that their only transgressions were cannibalism, in fact they seemed to punish anyone who was lecherous. Especially if it were someone she’d brought in for them, someone who fell for her act as bait. Sometimes, and Lissy would never tell anyone, she thinks those people at least deserved it. ]]

I— The right person will make it easy, I bet. Cause I can’t see anyone wanting to make you uncomfortable on, like, purpose. Again if they do… [[ Lissy rolls her head to the side, scrunches up her nose and growls. A poor bulldog impression—its closer to a small puppy. ]] 

[’What is happening down there!’ Annie laughs, shaking her head.] I wish I knew!

[There’s movie sex, and there’s porn sex, but neither of them really tell you what real sex will be like. The only way to know is to just, like, do it. Maybe in the end it won’t even be as dramatic and earth shattering as she’s thinking, but she’d like to know. Annie’s always been a curious soul, and growing up trans, she had to introspect a lot more on her body and the things it could do. It’s so dumb actually, all the stuff doctors ask, like Annie was expected to know way more about her gender than a cis person would ever be expected to know.

The consequence of that is a sort of hyperawareness, although Annie comforts herself that that’s the female experience. Women get insecure about their bodies because of stupid patriarchal expectations and whatever, and maybe Annie’s insecurities are a little different, but they’re still something she can relate to other women about.

She really likes how open she can be with the girls about this stuff. It’s so much less isolating when you can talk about how you feel without fearing judgment or mockery. She knows Lissy won’t have any practical advice for her, but it’s just nice to talk. And occasionally, like, growl. That makes Annie laugh again, head lolling off to the side to try and hide her face, before lolling back to look at Lissy.]

Woof woof. [Annie agrees, enunciating each word in contrast to Lissy’s more animalistic growl.] I hope you’re right, I guess it’s just a matter of... experimenting. And finding someone to be comfortable doing that with. Because I don’t think it should be scary, like you should be able to laugh and stuff. I mean I always laugh and feel really safe and comfortable with you guys in the dorm, and I want that feeling when I’m in love too. You know? Like when you’re with someone they should feel like your best friend as well as your partner.

[Annie would pick her roommates over romance any day. Actually she feels that so strongly that in a way the idea of romance makes her nervous, because how could she ever like them as much as she likes her roommates?]

[nowayhome]

Hunter Schafer as Jules Vaughn Euphoria | 2x04: You Who Cannot See, Think of Those Who Can

[annie-perrault]

Into Ruin || Jo & Annie

books-xnd-cleverness​:

[Annie’s hand feels small in Jo’s, which is really saying something; Jo is not a large person by any means, and when she was younger her elders would often joke that she’d be knocked over by a stiff breeze. Her hands are long and slender, the hands of a writer, but compared to Annie’s they seem much less gentle. She returns the squeeze softly, unable to repress the notion that if she did it any harder she’d break something.]

It’s not your fault, [Jo repeats emphatically. As Jo had been quick to learn in the early days of the aftermath, it was easy to blame yourself for not doing more. It was even easier to fall into that pit of despair and hopelessness, and it was infinitely harder to climb back out again. She knew where this particular path led, and more than anything she wanted to keep Annie from following it to the end.] I know it seems hard right now. Someone died, and that feels awful. But that’s life. Even in dreams– you can’t choose when to take up. That’s not how it works. You just have to keep…keep dreaming, and hope it gets better down the road. And it will, I promise. People die, but not every day. Most days, people survive. They live. They’re stubborn like that.

[She pauses, a thought striking her, and she says it aloud before she can second-guess herself.] Did you know him? Kaiser?

✑

[You just have to keep dreaming. You just have to keep dreaming. You just have to keep dreaming. Annie’s eyes are wide, and she hears that sentence reverberate in her head, fluttering like the wings of a trapped bird, again and again and again before she begins to process the rest of what Jo said.

Keep dreaming. She’ll nod, because Annie is agreeable and will nod by instinct, but she can feel that strange recoil. It’s pushing and pulling; she wants to pull back because she cannot keep dreaming forever and she does not want to be talked into it. But she wants to push forward, too, because Jo talks so gently. Her accent feels familiar and warm. She’s like a lullaby to keep Annie sleeping – no, to keep her wanting to keep sleeping. It’s frightening: Annie is aware of this, and she lets it happen. Lets the nightmare dig its claws in deeper just because they feel closer to anaesthetisation than the cut of the scalpel that follows.]

I’ll keep dreaming. [Annie whispers her agreement, solemn as a vow. She doesn’t want to want to, but she wants it anyway. This is how it gets her; honey was always a more effective trap than vinegar.]

I, um– [She casts her gaze away, unable to meet Jo’s gentle gaze as she answers the question.] Yeah, I… he asked me to help him with his archery. So I kind of knew him, a b-bit. He was nice.

[It sounds a bit pathetic, and probably a bit untrue, but Annie means it. She really had thought he was nice. He didn’t talk down to her even though she was stuttering and awkward.]

[annie-perrault]

Horsing Around || Dylan & Annie

dylan-meir​:

[Dylan is about to reply with her own thoughts about memorials and respect when the rest of Annie’s response hits her. She knew Annie was Deluded– the girl had said so herself. But it was one thing to hear it and another thing entirely to see it. Dylan can’t say she’s encountered many Deluded people. In principle she tries to stay away from associating with any Infected too much, but the Deluded are a special case. Not quite dangerous, but not quite sane either. Annie seems like a sweet girl, and hardly a danger to anyone, but her words remind Dylan just how far removed from reality she is.]

Right. [She fixes her smile, not quite willing to spoil the mood but unsure about how else to respond. At length, she decided to focus on the one part she actually can relate to.] It’s hard, though. When you can’t see someone you miss. Can’t even talk to them. Even if you think you’ll see them again someday, it doesn’t make it hurt any less. So I think you could still put up ribbons, if you wanted. To remember the people you miss.

☀

[She recognises the tight look of fleeting discomfort on Dylan’s face. It happens, sometimes, when Annie mentions her Delusion in any sort of detail. Sometimes she thinks she shouldn’t talk about it at all, to save the awkwardness -- except if she pretends like everything is normal then she worries she’ll lose herself even deeper within the nightmare. Saying out loud that everything is normal will only reinforce that in her head. It will only keep her trapped longer.

But Dylan does make a good point about missing people. Annie’s family are still a million miles away -- or potentially right next to her, if only she could reach out and touch them. It’s okay to miss them, even if she knows she’ll see them again some day.]

Yeah... yeah, maybe you’re right. [Annie smiles softly down at Dylan. She seems kind. Patient. Annie’s always more inclined to trust animal people; she thinks they tend to have more empathy. Maybe she’ll come back later, with a ribbon. It’d be nice to decorate one, maybe, like sew a cute design onto it. It wouldn’t mean her family are dead. It would just mean she’s missing them.

Running her fingers over the horse’s neck again (it’s comfortingly rough), Annie blinks and glances back to the main building.] Do you think we should, um, take Queenie back? She probably deserves a break, and I have to go to the kitchens soon. [She doesn’t really want to go back, because it’s nice being with the horse, and Dylan is good company, but escapism can’t lasts forever.]