For Yourself, By Yourself.
TW: suicide, self harm, mental health
Since I was 13, all I've wanted was to just go to bed and never wake up. I was 16 when my school got involved, which pretty much forced me to get in therapy and on meds. I was on that shit for more than 2 years. I'm now almost 20.
Am I still depressed? Absolutely. Do I still dread waking up every morning? Yep. Do I still think about what it would be to just not exist? 100%. Do I still think I'm faking it? Yes, yes I do. Sure I'm not actively harming myself or thinking of throwing myself off a balcony anymore, but depression? I don't think that ever goes away. If I'm being honest, I don't know if I want it to. Its been a pretty major part of my life for the past almost 7 years. Probably more, but its not like I can really remember much of anything. I mean, think about it. Why am I doing the course I'm doing at uni? Not because I'm particularly motivated or anything...I just haven't had a solid career aspiration since I was like 8 because at some point I stopped wasting my time worrying and planning for a future I knew I wasn't going to have. Now, I'm almost 20 and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'd be lying if I said this was never a part of the plan because truth be told, there never was a plan to being with. I was too depressed for that shit.
But well, the point of this isn't to write about my depression. Been there, done that. I even thought about typing out that whole book of depression poems to post on here. Because like I said, still pretty depressed. But this depression...it isn't the same depressed that I was when I got diagnosed and put on meds. Sometimes, I think my meds didn't get rid of my depression, they just...changed it.
Recently, though, something changed inside me. I'm not quite sure what it was; I'm not even in therapy or on meds anymore. And nothing majorly revolutionary or tragic has happened in my life either. So hell if I know what changed. This summer, I decided that I was just done. I've been done for a long time. Done with the world, done with myself, you get the picture. But this was a different done. Now, I'm just done with people. I think I've realized that the less I put up with other people, the more I can keep my own peace. The less energy I spend in someone else's crap, the more energy I have for shit I want to do. And yes, for once, I actually want to do something. But I digress.
There's this really cheesy quote I saw on Instagram that even 6 months ago, I'd have laughed at. But I think that might have been the “something” that changed inside of me. It goes “I'm working on myself, for myself, by myself”. Cringy, I know. I spent so much time with myself this past year. Not a first at all, but I actually actively spent that time with myself. And you know what I realized? People aren't reliable. Every single person, even people I've considered my best friends, have consistently not shown up and not put in the same amount of effort that I'm putting in to our relationship. Which would be fine if they weren't also the first person to get triggered and spiral when I start putting less effort into said relationship. My best friend, she and I don't regularly video call or anything. Our love language, so to speak, is sending each other shit post reels on instagram. Guess what though, I still absolutely love her and our relationship has done nothing but improve.
On the contrary, my ex-best friend. I hate to say it, but our relationship has not survived the long distance test. She's changed. I've changed. I'm not going to comment on whether either is for the better or worse because I think that's an entirely subjective matter. But believe me when I say I've tried. I've tried to make this work and she just doesn't want to. And a year ago, I would've given everything I have to make it work. Stayed up till 4AM when I had a class at 9 just so I could accommodate her schedule. But I'm just bloody done.
Basically, people don't show up. Not your best friends, hell not even people whose job it is to help you. When I moved into my apartment, I asked 2 people for help with certain things. Both of them said yes. Neither showed up. I did it on my own. So, what have we learnt over the past year? People don't show up and at the end of the day, its you. For yourself. By yourself.
So let this be the year (academic, calendar, whatever) where you stop showing up for people who've stopped showing up for you. Where you prioritize your peace and sanity over that of someone else's. People have never shown up for you. They've shown up for themselves. Its about time we all did the same.
For ourselves. By ourselves.
Leaving you with a little NF quote:
My mind is a home I'm trapped in And its lonely inside this mansion
