Behind the Mask

This is my confession- I'm an introvert - I have issues, but don't we all? - This is my life in writing

[anonymouslostgirl]

Ups and Downs

Life is hard work. I know it’s worth it, and I love my life, but sometimes I feel way too emo for this. Stupid people can ruin your mood at any point and then it sticks with you for days. This is where I’m at right now. Someone was giving me a hard time last Friday and I feel like I haven;t fully recovered. My mood has been super poor and negative ever since. Now is that critical moment where I find my strength and learn to cope, to move on, to get better. I need to force myself back into the positivity I’ve been feeling lately. Let’s face it, I have been super happy and extremely optimistic for the past little while. I just need to get there again, and I know I can. 

[anonymouslostgirl]

Become an upper

Today felt a bit grey for me, but I’m getting through it. When everyone around me is feeling down, I’m trying to stay positive for them. I’ll put aside my own feelings of sadness to try to help someone else through their difficult times. I find it funny that my ex-boyfriend thought of me as being super negative. I’m not. I go through stages of depression, like anyone else, but I think what I was lacking in my relationship was that one person who could get me through it, hear me out, and help me feel better about the situation. He really was a horrible match for me, I’ll admit it. But now that I’m surrounded by wonderful friends and I don’t have someone weighing me down, I feel fantastic and I find it a lot easier to get to a happy place mentally. So I leave you with this thought: If you’re a downer, become an upper. Find the good in the situation and change things for yourself. Become optimistic and let it consume your life! 

[anonymouslostgirl]

Loner

I’ve come to this conclusion that I and alone now. This isn’t a bad alone, this is an alright alone. I’ve made peace with all of my past relationships and I can honestly say I have no feelings attached to anyone anymore. I am 100% single and I’m 100% okay with it. It’s kind of exciting actually. I feel like I have this great opportunity to fall madly in love again, and start the whole process over with a clean slate, no baggage. When I dated other people, sometimes there was still some feelings lingering around inside me, but now there is nothing. MY heart is whole, and I am ready for what the future brings. I’m a loner, and I’m alright with it. 

[anonymouslostgirl]

Reflection

Last night I found out that a guy I’ve been talking to that I had some slight interest in has basically been leading me on. He’s not interested in me romantically and he decided to finally tell me. I understand since I think he’s not  in a good state of mind lately, but it’s still a bit painful to hear since I got my hopes up. 

This morning I started to overthink the situation a bit. When I was thinner, I was never turned down, but since I’ve gained a bit of weight I’ve been getting a lot more no’s from people. I know this is not because of my weight at all, but it’s hard not to notice. Technically speaking, I don’t want to be with someone unless they find me attractive with 30 extra lbs, so why does this even bother me? The answer is simple: because I don;t feel comfortable in my own skin right now. I’m working on it, and I’m trying to get back to that place where I love myself, but I feel like I’m 15 lbs away from that. It’s painful to think about. We also have a few photo and video shoots coming up soon, and I hate seeing myself like this from an outside perspective. It makes me feel worse. I hate playing shows when I don;t feel confident as well. This industry is really putting a toll on my mental health and I’m not even in any sort of spotlight. It makes me wonder sometimes if I could even handle the pressure if the band blows up. I really hope so. 

[anonymouslostgirl]

Friends

I like being that friend that people can talk to about their problems, whether they are physically exhausted or mentally hurt. I feel like I’ve been through a lot myself, and I also feel like I’m a good listener. I try to keep everyone on good terms when I’m not in a dark place myself, hiding from the world.  Right now a lot of my closest friends are going through tough times, and I’m trying to be a rock for them. I wan to see them get better, I want to feel confident and happy again. Sometimes I don;t have much to say in response, but I’m always here for them. I will always get back to them and listen when I can. 

With that in mind, if any of you reading this ever need to talk, I’m here for you. We can discuss how boys are stupid, body issues and how to overcome them, whatever really. 

[anonymouslostgirl]

LIFE, MAN

It’s been an insane couple of days, let me tell you!  My job is crazy busy lately so I’ve been working a lot of overtime and trying to make other people happy. But I don;t feel like ranting right now so I’ll just tell you about the good things in life.

I think I mentioned earlier that I had an awkward situation come up earlier this week and that turned into an even more awkward situation. BUT that’s over now and I’m right where I want to be. Everything is sorted out on all fronts and I’m happy with the outcome. 

Last night I went out with the intention of talking to a guy who had played bass in my band when I was maybe 17? I thought he was attractive then but never thought much of it because we were both in relationships and then he went off to Victoria for school. I realized not too long ago that he is in a band that’s quite good, and that maybe I should go see them play, so when I got the invite I thought, hey, why not? I like live music and I may just have the balls to go up to this guy and say hey. So I got a few girlfriends together and we went to the show. We had a few drinks and watched the bands but the changeover times were outrageous and we were getting impatient a little bit so we just left. Needless to say, I did not talk to this guy, or even see his band play :( BUT we ended up meeting for drinks with a few other friends (possibly an attractive one that I’ve been texting for a while - previously mentioned guy). Worth man, worth. 

Today I met up with an old friend from highschool and we talked relationships, health, meditation, losing weight, etc. It’s really cool to have someone to discuss a lot of this stuff with that actually makes you feel good about what you’ve accomplished but also provides a lot of insight and advice on how to create a healthy lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I have a bunch of other friends that help me fee like I’ve accomplished something, but this guy is just full of wisdom. He also is genuinely the nicest guy I’ve ever known and treats women so wonderfully. After our conversation I now have a bit of clarity on where to go from here.

[anonymouslostgirl]

180

I don’t really know what happened but somewhere between breaking down after work yesterday and going to the gym I decided I needed to switch up my perspective. I had an inspiring vocal lesson which gave me some new ideas on how to have a career in music even if I don’t cut it as a professional singer in a band. Maybe that in addition to pushing myself to be in better physical shape helped? Maybe it’s also a bit of the change in diet I’ve gotten back into this past week? I find that eating junk food really puts pressure on my emotions and makes me feel horrible. Eating healthy and exercising is the key to a healthy mind.  I was given a strange opportunity yesterday that could’ve pulled me back into darkness and I’m proud of myself for turning it down. I don’t need to move backwards, I need to grow and mature with every experience life throws my way. Upon further reflection, my heart is 100% free to love whomever may walk into my life. I can be happy and confident that I am a good person and I know what is right and wrong for my own heart, I feel amazing right now.  The future is bright! 

[anonymouslostgirl]

Losing yourself is the journey to finding yourself.

[anonymouslostgirl]

I could've loved you forever but the truth is, one of us always gives up

M.A. 

[anonymouslostgirl]

Wondering

I think I kind of understand how internet dating works or something. I’m falling for a guy I’ve hardly spoken to (in the 3 years I’ve known him) in person. We’ve been talking now for about a month on Facebook, and I just gathered the courage to give him my number to text instead. I’m starting to think strange things like “I want to expand my vocabulary” or and I kind of feel like I understand where people are coming from when they say someone makes them a better person. This is weird. The last relationship I was in that left a mark was a pretty negative one. We weren’t able to understand one another when we were together at all. I’m not saying I’m in a relationship by any means. I’m also not really looking to be in one, but I wouldn’t mind seeing where this goes. He seems like a really nice, intelligent, witty, smart guy. I’m intrigued. 

[secret-gentlemen]

[anonymouslostgirl]

I'm so used to people not caring and not wanting to listen to me vent. That's why I apologize when I feel like I've said too much. You're refreshing. You make me feel appreciated and cared for and I hardly even know you...

[wnq-anonymous]

If opening your eyes, or getting out of bed, or holding a spoon, or combing your hair is the daunting Mount Everest you climb today, that is okay.

Carmen Ambrosio (via wnq-anonymous)

[anonymouslostgirl]

A day in the life

I need to write about this dream It was so weird, I think other people would find this interesting.

I think I’m going to skip breakfast today because I don;t feel like making a protein shake.

I hope I look okay. Ah well, my makeup will wear off by mid-day anyways.

Can’t do anything with curly hair. This sucks balls.

I talked with the boy again last night. I really like his personality. He’s pretty intelligent.

Crap, why did I say half the things I said? He’s probably going to think I’m crazy.

I actually told him I’m afraid of him thinking I’m crazy, Why did I do that??

I’m so awkward holy crap.

I’m so weird omg...

I should go to the gym today. I hate my arms. I wish my ex never told me they look like man arms. Now I’m way too self conscious of them. I never cared before. God, he was a jerk. I’m never dating a jerk again.

My face is pretty chubby, I wish it was more defined.

Wow, my stomach is super bloated. I feel pregnant. My stomach is itchy. I wish I could eat things without having these problems.

I should go to the gym tonight. I’ll go at 8.

I should probably focus on work now...

I’m hungry, is it lunch yet?

LUNCHTIME! Iced capp here I come!

I wish I didn’t get an iced capp... My stomach hates me now.

I should do a cleanse.

When I get home I’m going to work on planning our next tour. I should write down a list of things to do.

My hair is fading.

I should go for a run. I need to be able to sing and move on stage at the same time without losing my breath.

I really wish I didn’t say stupid stuff to the boy. He’s going to think I’m weird and never talk to me again. Why do I care though? If he doesn’t like me, someone will one day. I don’t need a boyfriend. I am happy being single right now.

I look really tired. OMG SUNGLASSES make me look 10x better and hide the bags under my eyes.

I should probably make some healthy food for the next few days so I don;t buy another iced capp.

I wish I didn’t feel so bloated.

I wish I could stop thinking.

None of this actually matters.

This is stupid, I’m going to take a nap.

I should write down how I’m feeling so that I can stop feeling this way.

[anonymouslostgirl]

Addictions

I’m an addict.

Not to anything remotely serious like alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs of any kind.

My addiction is sugar. My addiction is caffeine.

Which, in some cases is actually worse than all of the above.

Right now I’m in this difficult place where I’m trying to cut these both out of my life because they do horrible things to my body. Whenever I drink pop my stomach is immediately bloated and I feel sluggish and heavy. The same can be said of many other things I eat but this is the worst. The hardest part about this addiction is that with all the stress in my life I feel like I need a “reward” or something to look forward to at lunch time, and nothing else can really compare unless it is also high in sugar. I’ll go out of my way to buy one bottle of pop or an iced capp to get me through the day. It’s ridiculous. I shouldn’t feel so attached to something like this! I need to find other things to replace these that still feel like a treat.

I used to drink a lot of energy drinks at work because I don’t like coffee and I always felt like tea wasn’t strong enough to keep me awake. At least I’ve beaten that addiction and I can move onto the others now, but it was rough for a while. My stomach hates energy drinks, and energy drinks definitely hate me.

I started taking caffeine pills when I cut out energy drinks and they really helped to give me that kick I needed to wake up (I’m not a morning person at all and I start work at 7am) but when I really think about it, I don’t like the idea of taking straight caffeine either. Sure, it’s slightly better than something with additional calories/sugar, but not much. These things get me bouncing off the walls when I take them though. Temporary high?

On a good day I can go without any source of caffeine and ignore the couple of times I doze off at the office. It’s a struggle to get through the day sometimes but I really try my best not to indulge in any sort of caffeinated substance/beverage unless it’s absolutely necessary - when I have a deadline or I feel like I’m not focusing enough.

Today I made it the entire work day without giving into my weaknesses. I didn’t even realize it to be honest.

Maybe that apple I ate before work actually did the trick?

[anonymouslostgirl]

I’m afraid people will think I’m crazy. I’m more afraid one day I’ll think so too. 

[anonymouslostgirl]

This is me

This is me: If you’re socially introverted, you prefer a small circle of friends. Even if you’ve enjoyed being with friends or family, you still need downtime after socializing. You structure your day so you always have some time to yourself. You prefer doing things alone. Sometimes people get the wrong idea about you, because you don’t talk about yourself much.