Beautifully unconventional

My inner thoughts playing out online, a 21st century journal of sorts. 

[anonymousonlinediary]

23/01/2021

No one tells you your twenties are harder than they look. That it’s not all magical like they say in the movies. That it’s a lot lonelier than you ever imagined. Lonely. It’s a funny word. For a long time it wasn’t a word I would ever use to describe me. No, not me, going out every weekend with my ‘best friend’ getting so drunk you didn’t have to think or talk about anything important. Not me, seeing my high school friend group and gossiping about how much weight everyone has put on.

They say you should take note of when you’re feeling your best. Unsurprisingly it was never around any of the people mentioned above. But then why does it hurt when they go out on a Saturday night to they valley to drink until the sun rises or road-trip to Airlie beach for new years eve without ever giving you an invite or a second thought. Isn’t it my fault, I distanced myself without really having anyone to fall back on. 

It’s a strange predicament to be in. Watching your friends get closer and feeling more and more out of the loop. But also wondering if they really ever were the friends for you. When did it all change. When did I change. When did I become the girl feeling lonely on a Saturday night. 

[anonymousonlinediary]

24/06/2020

Do all existential crises occur at 1:30 in the morning. If so, please let the one in charge know that I do not appreciate it. Whether its the sinking revelation that I don’t know myself AT ALL, or the 5 five coffees I’ve had today that is keeping me up, we’ll never know. 

Is this a part of your twenties? To feel like you don’t know who you truly are? I feel as though I am trying on personalities and way of being in this world, like a fifteen year old picking a dress to a school dance. I’’m growing yes, and I can feel that i am evolving but I feel less and less sure of who I am as a person but at the same time I like myself more as a person. Or so, I like the values I choose to standby.

Friendships always seem to play a pivotal role towards how I understand who I am. When they are lacking or in the background, I seem to place a much larger emphasis on realising who I am. I think I am most myself when I have my space. Not to say that I don’t like my friends or that I am fake around them. I can’t call it fake but I think when you spend too much time with a person, you can become or at least I seem to become, blinded to who I really am. Healthy boundaries seem to be crucial for me. 

I want to know who I am, and I’m trying to find out. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get fucking lonely and sad at times and have existential crises at 1.30 in the morning the day before my 22nd birthday.

[anonymousonlinediary]

31/03/2020

And then it hits you, all at once, out of no where

When I was young, crying was a weakness, telling someone you’re too hurt to go on made you a wimp, a baby, someone who couldn’t just get on with it and get the job done. Feelings weren’t ever really spoken about, thus were never really validated. After all, I had so much more than my parents had growing up, how could be anything other than happy and grateful.

It a toxic trait that I have carried on with me throughout my childhood and adolescence into my years now ad a fully fledged but still relatively young adult. Sadness & anxiety in particular are akin to a boiling pot, the feelings bubble and bubble and inevitably they boil over...I break down. It hits me, all at once, out of nowhere.

The impact that the world current situation had on me was unnoticed until now, I’ve been so anxious and worried but also so unable to put those feelings into words and unable to fully comprehend them. Its a scary time and I know that it can be only natural to feel like this - all be it, my fears and anxieties are slightly elevated from the norm. just by virtue of being a girl with anxiety. I have to remind myself that it’s okay to feel sad, I don’t need to be endlessly optimistic. 

Furthermore, these only clashed with the ever-nagging feeling that I’ve outgrown my family home and need to move out. It was the perfect storm of fear, anxiety, and frustration. And then BAM, I’m an almost 22 year old, whose scared she won’t ever find a partner, won’t be able to move out, and raise a family. A few tears were shed tonight but I hold on to the hope that everything will be okay in the end. And if everything is not okay, then it is not the end

[anonymousonlinediary]

06/10/19

Love,

Waits for all of us,

Quietly.

In that place,

Where no one 

Is looking

- Atticus

At least that’s what I hope . My beautiful best friend sent me this poem, when I was feeling a little down about a tinder romance that had passed it’s expiry. Because it hurts a little when you get to 21 and haven’t been in a relationship, but what I have to keep telling myself is that it would hurt a little more to be in one just for the sake of it. My fledgling tinder romance brought up potentially every old little insecurity of mine, and I found it and still do find it so hard not to blame myself completely and beat myself up over everything I did wrong. I tried to push for a relationship when there was nothing there. I just wasn’t honest with myself, my first reaction after the first date was “I’m not too sure how I feel” and if I didn’t pick up on that as a dead giveaway that it didn’t click, I don’t think I ever would have. 

I want to be the girl that’s okay with being single. I want to be the girl that takes herself out on a date. The girl who’s confident enough to walk into a room full of people she doesn’t know with ease. And I think that’s what I want to work on before venturing forth into my next romantic rendezvous.

[anonymousonlinediary]

01/07/19

Hi,

For once this is a daytime post. I’m mildly surprised at myself but also realize that I’m low key doing this out of boredom, which also hopefully means that this post will be more coherent. 

I like me

Last  night I was chatting with some girlfriends of mine around the couch, a few glasses of wine deep and we were reflecting on our love lives, personalities and people we had gone to school with. The usual girls night in chat really. It really got me thinking afterwards about my own life. I guess I’m writing this post because I wanted to reflect and say that I am actually really happy with the person that I am, although I may not be confident about my outward appearance I can confidently say I like who I am as a person and what I stand for. I think I’m a good person and I’m happy about that. 

I like my life

I also want to note that I am in a good place in my life and that I actually really enjoy it. I love going to uni and hanging out with my friends there and pushing ourselves to learn more , be better and also to find the fun in what we do. I love keeping in touch with my girlfriends from high school and having wine nights where we chat endlessly about nothing important and everything that’s really important. I love the fact that I play netball every weekend and go the gym every other day, it means I’m active, healthy and my body is strong and can move and do really cool things. I love the fact the my work is linked to what I’m studying and I get to talk to patients and make their hospital experience a little bit better and a little bit easier. 

This entry turned into a bit of a gratitude fest, but I’m okay with it. Sometimes I think I only write when I’m mad or pissed off or upset and because I’m feeling such strong emotions and I write so passionately about those feelings it seems like I’m always mad or sad, and it also means I miss the mundane parts of my life that actually bring me a lot of joy. Additionally, some of these entries are old and they feel like they are from another girl living in another time. The amount of growth you encounter in your late teens and early twenties is colossal, whether that growth be in the people around you and in my case growth in myself.

Signing out

[anonymousonlinediary]

19/05/19

All these blog posts have just been me venting angrily and upset. And I’ll try my best to make this one different but all the raw dramatic emotions of a 21 year old girl are still there. I kind of want to do 2 parts to this post. 

 Part 1; The world doesn’t revolve around me. And that’s a good thing. I’ve been selfish, I think  most of us can relate to that. But more recently I’ve been aware of how selfish I’ve been. Particularly in the case of my parents. They do so much for me and I do so little in return. When they ask things of me, I do them, but I complain. In the words of Giles of Assisi “Blessed is he who behaves well toward others and does not desire that others behave well toward him” I want to do more good in this world, and that starts with my parents.The love I have for them in unconditional and it’s time I start to show it.

Part 2; God makes beautiful things. This is still a very new perspective I am coming to terms with. I mean I’ve always known that God’s creation is beautiful but I have to remember that I am also God’s creation. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well” (Ps. 139:14). As a girl who has perpetually struggled with her body image, growing up an immigrant in a very white society, I’ve never been what I saw all around me, as the typical image of beauty. As a teenager, I never thought it affected  me, but as an adult (I’m still unsure if I can really be called one) I realise that it has. It manifests through the disappearing acts my self confidence plays whenever I meet someone new. It manifests in the fact I hide my face when I speak and I speak less if I have acne. It  manifests in the form of anxiety about going into new social situations. But I find solace in knowing that God made me and that God doesn’t make mistakes.

My faith and relationship with God has never been something I’ve ever written about. It’s always been so personal and I’ve almost always felt somewhat uncomfortable expressing my faith. But I owe it to my self to try and change that. Because in the end, it gives me a lot of comfort and hope knowing that there is someone out there walking with me in this life.

[anonymousonlinediary]

15/10/18

I don’t often look back on these posts but its so interesting when I do. I realise that at the time i try and sound so eloquent and graceful on page, and at the time I truly believe I do but re-reading them really makes me see how much I sound like an attention seeking teenager. Now that I am old and wise and no longer a teen (please read: sarcasm101) I can now reflect on how I was feeling and how insignificant the problems that I wrote about on here really are. The real problems in my life like battling with anxiety and self confidence, I barely ever share. i don’t if its because writing about them on paper will make them more real. I like to pretend that I’m a normal human, without mental health issues like the rest of the 20 somethings out there. I almost don’t feel i deserve to say I have anxiety, I feel as though I’m almost a cop out as for me it’s not extremely severe. But irrespective of how severe my anxiety is, verbalising and writing my thoughts out always helps. I’ve always been a diary girl, since grade 3 if I remember correctly. From writing about who i was going to play with at lunch to high school drama and now adult life, my inner thoughts have always played out between the pages of my diaries and I guess now this is my 21st century diary. Online not just on paper

[anonymousonlinediary]

09/09/18

It really is interesting keeping this blog, and just reading back on old posts. I’ve always been a diary gal, but there’s just something about a blog and it being online, that gives you a greater sense of freedom, i guess? More anonymity, and easier to get rid of any evidence I suppose. Referring back to the last post, my only other good friend is now in the early stages of a relationship. Which leaves lil old me the only single one left in our little group. I mean of course I have other friends outside of that group who are single, who I do spend a lot more time with actually. But still it feels a bit weird, and I almost feel like my clock is ticking and I don’t really like that. I’ve never been a “chaser”, at least in terms of relationships and friendships, I’ve always though what will be will be, things will happen when you least expect it kinda vibe. I don’t know if that’s just wishful thinking or naivety speaking though.  In terms of going out and going to festivals , I’ve calmed down A LOT. Its practically never, these days. I think part of that is because I am much more into fitness and going to the gym these days. Plus its the same old same old you know, would rather just spend a chilled evening with friends. If that doesn’t say I’m getting old I don’t know what does. I’m still waiting for the day someone will read these entries and relate to what I’m saying.I’d love to hear other people reassuring me that I’m normal ahaha. But for now , just getting these things off my chest will do.  

[anonymousonlinediary]

10/01/18

Also, on the note of doing pills and caps I have done them on many more occasions and at varying strengths but I still know my limits and I’ve gotten quite good on them to be honest. I’m no ratchet 18 year old anymore

[anonymousonlinediary]

10/01/18

I feel like all I’ve wanted for the longest time, since literally the start of high school is clear skin. My skin feels like it has gotten progressively worse post high school and I’m at a point where I’m so done with my acne. When I look in the mirror sometimes I want to cry. I just hate the way I look so so much. What a depressing thing to say.  But i feel so stuck because I’ve tried every lotion and cream and thus I have deduced that my acne is hormonal yet I’m not prepared to trade in weight gain & mood swings for clear skin. If I get fat what do i have left really? That’s such a horrible thing to say, but deep down that’s truly what eats at me and I’m thankful no one reads this. But I think body image in general is something I’ve always struggled with. I can’t remember the last time I looked in a mirror and was happy with the way I look. I have my theories about how I turned out with this damaged mindset but I cant be bothered to type them all out. I’m sure this sounds like such a whinge from a girl who is actually quite lucky and privileged compared to majority of the world. But I can’t help how I am and the fact that I can never be happy when I look into a mirror.

[anonymousonlinediary]

13/05/17

It feels so strange reading over these posts, particularly the last one. No one follows this blog and tbh I don’t think anyone will so I might as well tell all right? I was talking about good old disco bikkies, old mate e. I only did one that day, and i think its suffice to say it went swimmingly. I enjoyed my time very much. So much so that it has happened again, taking more than one this time, and a lil stronger shit too. But i think beyond the actual pingas themselves, I think I am quite self aware as to what I’m doing and undertaking. I hope to never go spiralling downward, that’s why for me its a festival/big event thing. I don’t do it 24/7, I’ve only done X on 2 occasions the second time taking a lot more than the first, but at least I had the first time to build up to it right? But I don’t want this journal to be all about that.But if that’s what i’m thinking about in the moment then that’s what I’m going to write about.

However, if I’m going to be completely honest here, I’m not really thinking about anything. Me writing this, is me procrastinating not writing my scientific paper for uni. 

[anonymousonlinediary]

29/09/16

I still don’t know why I made this blog. I guess I can use this space to get my thoughts out. This weekend I think I’m gonna do something kinda fucked up, something I probably promised myself I wouldn’t do in grade 9. Not suicide or any depressing shit. I guess there’s not much left else for me to do hey.I really don’t know why I’m putting this out there on the internet. Maybe I should have made a completely separate blog on another website bc I do have my personal blog on here. Journals are such a big thing for me. But anyway, this weekend I’m gonna get fucked up on another level. Kinda nervous, but at the same time super keen?

[anonymousonlinediary]

17/07/16

I don’t know why I created this account, I don’t think anyone will ever read these either but I purely need to ramble on. Recently a friend pointed out how in our little girl gang, the two of us were the only single ones left. I replied give me a chance to enjoy going out at least. That has always been an automatic answer for me, up until recently I have never wanted a boyfriend, I was genuinely happy focusing on myself and school and everything going on. But I don’t know why now I just have an urge to have a significant other, to have someone always there for me. I feel like this could be due to the fact that having recently left high school I don’t feel like I have that deep connection with my friends anymore. Our little squad can go a month without talking sometimes and it’s okay I get that, I even know that I am so shit at keeping in touch with people that I don’t see face to face. You see I’m not a messenger type of person, I seem to talk best and deal with people best in person. I guess I have just been craving that real talk I could have with those girls. I mean Uni Friends are great and all but they are still so new and don’t truly know me like the girls from high school did. So every now and then i feel a little bit alone, it’s strange for me. I’ve always been someone who is surrounded by people. I’ve never struggled with making friends, I can talk to anyone but it’s just not the same you know. I don’t know why I’m writing this it all seems a bit silly tbh if I saw something like this I wouldn’t bother reading it either.