everyone you know is a buffoon

[antoinettecosway]

Just sitting here at my temp job actively not: A. Thinking about if I am going to get into grad school and move to Philadelphia in five months. B. texting my exboyfriend who I am having dumb feelings about. C. Thinking about the kenbill who might work out. D. Listening to "sorry" by Justin bieber. Or... E. All of the above.

[antoinettecosway]

Tfw the only thing holding your head above the water is your multiplying regimen of antidepressants and you know it.

[descriptivegrammars]

since last month i experienced/’ve been experiencing respite from four uninterrupted years of depression (i was heavily sedated for a summer in college–wo that asterisk the truth is: first respite since childhood(!!)); if i weren’t feeling/hadn’t felt this i wouldn’t have known how stealth depression is when you’re in the thick of it–it feels like reality. when normies/people who don’t understand depression try to give (bad) advice, they’ll often talk about being sad or demotivated & powering through until everything’s ok again. & that’s easy to accept! - depression offers such a negative outlook that i believe i really am faking it and not trying at all, that i don’t *really* have a condition i need to manage & respect–i have an “excuse.” 

the world is completely, profoundly different when things feel ok–it’s easy in that state to believe i’ve always been ok, easy to trust that there’s good in the world, easy to be grateful. 

when i have down days (i haven’t stopped having very very down days even during this bright period - one or two each week, which is a good ratio!), it doesn’t feel like crashing, it feels like coming back to a “more honest” reality–i know it’s not true but i feel, with depression goggles on, really strongly that i faked my happiness or sustained it only through denial/willful ignorance. i was torn up yesterday bc i couldn’t tell if a lot of things are shitty and overwhelming or if i was just overwhelmed as a result of brain chemistry (& things might be fine). that’s the start of where i feel crazy (when i feel crazy)–when something tells me i shouldn’t trust what i see and feel. 

 is this really obvious & basic to people who don’t have my same stunted emotional center? ew

[antoinettecosway]

The realest. Thank goodness my drugs are working otherwise i really don't know.

[historicaltimes]

Riders cross park land created by landfill dumped into Jamaica Bay, New York. 1979.

via reddit

[antoinettecosway]

Second draft of the bird skull and poppies is complete! I like it, it's v balanced and vivid. #onpointneedlework #birdskull #poppies #creepyshit #handembroidery

[antoinettecosway]

It is 11:13pm cst and I cannot stop hiccuping. Send help.

Update: it is 11:31pm cst and a calm has fallen across my respiratory system. Hope for a continuance.

[antoinettecosway]

*doorbell rings*

me: *freezes*

me: *looks up from book*

housemate: *looks away from tv*

housemate: what the fuck was that?

me: i have no idea

housemate: apparently, we have a doorbell?

[chris-xyzabcarchive]

Visit Original Link

New York Is Killing Me, by Gil Scott-Heron.

[antoinettecosway]

Additionally, not being in New York is killing me.

[antoinettecosway]

Current brain needs: silent weapons for quiet wars, the world is a battlefield, the global politix of coke and how to make choux pastry. I am vast, I contain multitudes. #getonmylevel

[musterniillustrates]

i know you mean well.

[antoinettecosway]

Why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified.

[antoinettecosway]

Sometimes it is impossible to not love New York City when you are on the r train headed to meet some brilliant friends for Yemeni food when the doors open at 36th street and the sound of auld lang syne played on a traditional Chinese instrument wafts in.

[theartfulgene]

If there ever was a top-ten of the most gorgeous creatures on Earth (or, for that matter in the Universe :) ), the birds-of-paradise would definitely have to be shortlisted. There’s a great documentary by David Attenborough about these exquisite birds, you can watch it here.

Drawings from Histoire Naturelle des Oiseaux de Paradis et des Rolliers, suivie de celle des Toucans et des Barbus by François Levaillant and Jacques Barraband.

[chaosophia218]

Sidney Hall - Signs of the Zodiac, “Urania’s Mirror”, 1824.

[antoinettecosway]

I'll be at the revolution brewery til 6 hocking my wares, it's the one on kedzie, come visit.

[antoinettecosway]

Just a New York jewess doing her part in the war on Christmas. (Not pictured: ginger snaps in the oven) #howilivenow #wheremyjewsat #judahjudahmacabee

[antoinettecosway]

Laundromat are weirdly great places to work. #onpointneedlework #mybeautifullaundrette