Sweet dreams and nightmares

Writing just about anything...

[antukingmedjstudent]

Hello?

It's been so long since I last opened Tumblr. A lot has happened. After the pandemic, I've been trying to keep myself together. Sometimes, I'm successful; sometimes, I'm not. But I'm still trying.

Maybe I'll try to post everything here?

[antukingmedjstudent]

Dream journal 11/5/2021

There’s this girl. She’s quite normal until one day something happened to her and her sister. It’s quite weird but they turned into a vampire (but meh, probably some sort of metaphor). She was sleeping one day when a couple of men came into their room and talked about turning her and her sister into “vampires like them”. Eventually, she felt something on the sternal area of her chest like a pinch. She was injected with some sort of fluid. She was "transformed" then.

She woke up into a new person. Her sister too. She doesn’t like what her new life is. She doesn’t like changes. Even more her sister does. But still, she went out of the room and took a look at the new world she's in. She tries to live normally but she knows that she’s changed a lot.

They’re in some sort of open kitchen. She was fixing things there when a guy approached her (not sure if it’s a cousin or brother, but it felt like a brother). He introduced her to a guy. A charming, smart, and sweet guy. The guy is with his mom so she said hi to his mom as well. It seems like they knew each other. They talked a little then after quite a while, they parted ways. It looked like the guy likes her.

The girl is still thinking about what happened. She doesn’t know that it’s taking a toll on her. She pushes people, who takes interest on her, away even though she’s still helping others and her friends. It seems like she’s trying to live normally despite of what happened, despite of knowing she not normal anymore.

She went to her sister’s room and she said that she should get up and “feed” or else something bad might happen to her. But sis didn’t get up. Sis said that guests will be coming over and some of them will sleep in the room. Sis asked her to let them sleep with her because she wants to be alone. Then she left.

There’s some sort of party. There’s a lot of people. She saw different people. She talked to different people. Then she saw some other people who were “transformed” and taking life easy. She said, “I see there’s more of us here”. She talked to them little by little as if understanding why this thing must happen to her. She wonders how they are happy when those things happened to them.

Slowly, she understood but it seems like she’s still trying to make peace with it. Then she went to a room full of stuffed toys come to life. They holding a meeting what will happen to those who are already mangled and showed signs of usage. Some of them are sad but some accepted the fact that they’ll be left behind. She said thanks to them for their service most especially when they are needed the most. Then some of them are let go while some are retained. Then, she was left alone in the room. It seems like she’s not happy and really down. Her dad went inside the room and talked to her. He told her that he, too, experienced the same thing. Things won’t go back to the way it was anymore but life is worth living. We just need to give them another try. Dad tried to cheer her up by playing some music using his instrument (which looked like a flute). She smiled a little then they went to the living room where people gathered and having fun. She told her dad to check up on her sister. “Sis had it worse”, she thought. So dad went to her sister’s room.

Before dad left, he told her to give it another shot. There’s a guy who loves you and accepts you for who you are. Dad gave her a slipper with a little letter inscribed on it. It was a marriage proposal from the guy. The guy was looking at her from the other side of the room. He smiled at her and she slightly smiled back. Eventually, she told her dad that she’s not ready yet. She told her dad that she’s not yet ready but she wore the slipper to cover her bare feet. When her dad left, the guy sat beside her and asked if she’s willing to marry him. She said no because she hasn’t made peace with what happened. He offered to help and be there for her but she pushed him away.

She went to the “realm of the normal ones”. She went shopping while getting away from him. He was following her hoping she’d let him in already. She went from a vintage store to a bookstore while having the guy behind her. Eventually she went to a clothing store, where the normal ones are making fun of her. She cried everything out. Even more when she realized that she lost him. Everything took a toll on her and she lost him. Eventually, her clothes changed into some sort of a parachute which made her fly. She saw a letter from the guy then she cried.

The scene jumped. It’s like in a movies where what happened is only a movie and the characters are watching it. Like a memory. The guy took the girl to a table and asked her to sit beside him. She sat beside him and he laid his head on her lap. She was playing with his hair in between her fingers while watching the movie. Then she looks down and saw that he’s looking at her instead of the movie. He smiled at her and she smiled back at him too. If you’d look at him, you’d see that he loves the girl so much.

Then the realization set in. On my point of view, the movie is what really happened. It’s a memory. It’s the past. And the scene, where the girl is holding the guy while the guy is watching her lovingly, is what it could’ve been if she just tried another shot.

[pepayinprogress]

I loved it so much that I could and couldn't live without you at the same time.

But now I'm used to just living without you.

[antukingmedjstudent]

I've seen this coming. I made up scenarios like this so that it wouldn't hurt if ever this happens while hoping and praying it wouldn't. But I guess I couldn't prepare myself enough for this kind of pain.

I am scared I'd lose him. It hurts that I did. It hurts even more that I couldn't have him back anymore no matter how much I try.

Waking up is easy. But getting up is the hardest part. My eyes are swollen from crying. It hurts so much because the one you love the most is dating someone else and is happy with her.

I am not sure how to move on after this. I still wish this is just a dream or a scenario I made up in my head. But now I know it is not anymore.

[antukingmedjstudent]

Late post 😅 It’s the day before our first online meeting. I’m studying for our quiz in Micro-Para. It’s still the first week and yet there’s already a lot of things to do. Well, that’s 2nd year. I am usually awake during the wee hours and asleep during the day. But now, I have to train myself again to stay awake during the day throughout my classes hahaha

#studygram #study #studying #studyinspiration #med #medstudy #student #latepost https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1itePh4k7/?utm_medium=tumblr

[antukingmedjstudent]

8.15.2021

2nd year of med school! Yeyy! 🥳🥰

Tomorrow is our school orientation. Tomorrow is the start of another year. I took the time to clean up my desk and remove the clutters so that I could be mentally ready. It's another year and I'm kinda nervous yet excited about what would this school year bring. Tbh, although I've cleaned up my desk, I'm still not ready hahaha 😂

[antukingmedjstudent]

Just a clip from a Japanese series, Million Yen Women.

I liked the whole series. But this part reminded me of someone. He may not have the same family background as the leading man nor there are deaths around him but this looks very similar to our situation and the lead character in this part is really like him.

Except the last part. Because until now, he still pushes me away. Despite what others said, I'm still hoping he won't push me away anymore. I hope he would hug me as tight as he can just like the lead in this part. I miss him so much. Despite what others said, I still love him.

"... There is no reason or logic for why I love you"

[psychictaledreamer]

ACTUALLY🥺❤️

[antukingmedjstudent]

8/12/2021

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. I can see the ray of sunshine amidst the rain clouds. I hope I'd be in the clear soon.

Well, this week has been better than last week. I got new glasses, my siblings got vaccinated, my friend sent me something as a way of making up with me, we bought groceries, my family is happy and safe, and I'm finally able to enroll for my 2nd year in med school.

It may not be much but it makes the load a lot lighter. I'm not out of the woods yet and I really hope I'd get out of it smoothly soon but it makes me a bit more optimistic.

I'm still praying for more good news. I'm still praying for the things I've been earnestly praying for. I'm thankful for this week.

Thank you for the ones who are there when I was down and thank you, G.

[studentlifeproblems]

[antukingmedjstudent]

A dear friend sent me this the other day and I've been hoping for this since then. I do hope I get out of the woods soon. I hope I won't be in the eye of the storm anymore. I hope I'll be in the clear. I hope I'd find my sunshine soon.

The couple of days have been really hard for me. I usually can handle it on my own but these times have gotten too much. It's been too much that I couldn't say anything anymore but at the same time every emotion, every feeling, every thought wants to come out like I want to burst out. I know a part of it is my fault too. That's why I'm making up for it.

Every day I am thankful that I am where I've prayed for. But sometimes I hope it's not too overwhelming or my heart is still strong enough to handle everything.

Everyday when I wake up, I always think of this and I always hope that today would be a lot easier...

[primulaceas]

Saeed Jones, How We Fight for Our Lives

[staff]

tumblr tuesday: visions of space

52 years after two men called Neil and Edwin took a walk on the moon, MacKenzie Scott’s ex husband is not standing or sitting or swimming anywhere on this earth, but is instead hovering somewhere Above. For everyone else with your feet on the ground, here are some space-themed blogs to help you disappear into dreams of starry silence. 

@the-wolf-and-moon​​​ is a collection of art the universe makes behind the scenes while we’re all going about our dwindling days and tiny tasks. Here you can see the Cat’s Paw Nebula, otherwise known as NGC 6334. Birthplace of gigantic stars and cubic tons of trouble, probably, this finally proves who really runs all universes, known and unknown.

@startrekdesign​ grew from a personal quarantine project by a long-time Trekkie and new-time collector of design objects featured in the show. Think of it as home interiors, if ‘home’ were a big ol’ spacecraft fictitiously hurtling through time and space.

@mystarypi-astronomy​​ takes pictures of space! With a telescope! From the earth! And tells us what we’re looking at so that what at first glance looks like a black squiggle in golden glitter becomes the Snake Nebula, a whole world of knowable and unknowable worlds! Tttthhhpectacular! 

And lastly, @thevisualdon​​ is back with a spacey moment for our digital age, a neon-dreamed, glitter-pixelled nostalgia for obsolescent futures. Come on in. The sky’s the sea, and the water’s warm.

[antukingmedjstudent]

It's been always like this. Whenever I get sad because everything went down, it always rains. Sometimes I cry. But sometimes I couldn't. Sometimes it feels like the sky is crying for me. It's like the heavens knew that everything is getting too heavy for me to handle and my tears aren't enough to cry everything out that's why the sky lends me its tears.

Everything is getting too much lately. I don't know if I would be able to overcome this this time or just let everything fall into pieces.

I've been singing this song as the rain pours down. And then... My tears fell too.

[antukingmedjstudent]

Playing on the field on a windy sunset.

I'm not good at drawing hahaha but watching this scene makes me smile. I imagine this scene with my friends or even my own family in the future (if I'd have one).

I'm a sucker for sunsets and windy days.

[antukingmedjstudent]

We were having our weekly walk. I was fairly quiet except for a couple of times I answered my mom's questions. I must've been deep in thoughts that I sprained my ankle. That sh*t hurts. Though it's good that it doesn't swell.

I guess this made me cry out my pent-up emotions and all of the things that are weighing me down.

But as we're walking down towards 7-eleven, I was thinking that I guess it a lot easier not to ask help from anyone. I mean, it's no big deal. It's just a sprained ankle. A low-grade one. Mom must've been worried though. But I told her I'm fine and just keep on walking. Then I started thinking that this is what I've read on some self-help groups— A self-destructive behavior. I'm starting to self-destruct again.

What am I doing with my life? I don't know what I am doing with my life anymore. But I guess I should thank my sprained ankle. Because now, I'm crying everything out.

[antukingmedjstudent]

He asked me last night why I love him out of all guys out there. I thought about this for quite a while but I'm not sure if words will suffice. Just before he fell asleep, I told him I love him. And although it's just a whisper, he said he loves me too.