Jellyfish

Hey, I hope you have a nice day. This is low-key just my Fandom stuff and random things I am thinking about

[agent-odessa-over]

Shane's not freaking out. Its fine. Its fiiiine.

Ilya left with Harris and Troy to get fitted for his best man suit for the upcoming Drover-Barrett wedding hours ago. He'd sent a very sexy selfie from the changing room, linen suit pants hanging loose on his waist, white dress shirt draped over his shoulders and unbuttoned down the chest, stupid lopsided grin with laugh lines and crinkles around his eyes (fuuuuuck, why are Ilya's crows feet doing it for him lately? Definitely not going to unpack that one).

Shane: Fuck. Come home.

Ilya: See something you like? I think it comes in your size

Shane: As long as it comes in me

Ilya: 👀

Shane: Come. Home. Now.

Ilya: Fuck. I promised Troy and Harris I would grab a beer when we're done. I'll let you know when I'm on my way home.

But hours later and still no text from Ilya. Shane doesn't want to be clingy. He knows the Centaurs see him and Ilya as a two-headed, codependent entity (which, honestly, fits in with the whole Centaur thing, wait no, Shane, don't lose the plot here). But he's starting to worry. Every now and then, Ilya will enjoy a beer since starting his SSRI, but never more than one, and he's always been completely fine. But still, Shane's brain is picturing awful scenarios, and he's practically thrumming with anxiety.

So Shane's anxiety wins and he dials Ilya. It rings a few times, and his heart fills with relief at the static crackle and rush of air filling the speaker. "Hello, Lyubimyy," Ilya purrs.

"Fuck, Roz, where the hell are you?"

"In the car, driving home from the bar. I'll be home in about 20 minutes. Just have to make a quick stop on the way."

Shane lets go of a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Okay. But if you're not home by 8, I'll suck my own dick."

There's a muffled gasp, but it doesn't sound like Ilya. He hears a tinny voice in the background. "Can he really do that?" it asks incredulously. Troy. Motherfucker.

He hears Ilya scoffs. "No. Wait. Can you really do that?'

"I bet its the yoga," another voice says. Harris. Fuck.

Shane blinks. His voice goes dangerously quiet. "Ilya," he starts. "Am I on speakerphone?"

"What?" Ilya squawks indignantly. "You are always so worried about me driving and talking, so I use the bluetooth."

"Ohhhhh well in that case," Shane says in a fake cheerful voice. "But you might have mentioned it before I STARTED DESCRIBING SEX ACTS IN FRONT OF OUR FRIENDS!" Shane yells.

"Shane," Ilya whines.

"Don't you 'Shane' me."

Ilya sputters. "I like to be hands free!"

Harris snickers in the background. "Apparently Shane likes to be hands free, too."

"Dude," Troy says. "You think he, like, can bend in half?"

Ilya growls. "Stop picturing it, Barrett!" he yells, presumably into the backseat. "Your fiance is literally next to you."

"Oh it's cool, Harris says Shane is my hallpass. Or, you know, Hollpass."

Ilya sighs. "Shane, we will fight about this later. I need to go kill Troy." And the call disconnects.

And dammit, now Shane's hard again.

[mutinsfromthemoon]

after they got married, shane and ilya decided they needed to do new things together. pick up some hobbies outside of hockey so they could actually spend time together away from the rink and forget about work. which was a great, in theory, except it turns out they literally cannot do any sport or anything that even slightly involves competition cus they turn absolutely everything into a battle. like they tried tennis and suddenly it’s the finals of wimbledon. they tried bowling and it’s life or death. they tried golf and ilya is accusing shane of cheating while shane is accusing ilya of distracting him on purpose. even painting they somehow turned into an argument about who piece would it be more expensive. things got so bad that most places have actually banned them by now. they have a reputation around ottawa. and new places get warnings about them before they even walk in. but they’re having way more fun trying all these new things than they ever would have just picking one and sticking to it. in the end the whole point was spending time together and they’re doing in their own way

[okoyestrainee]

Yuna realizes that Shane and Ilya are in LOVE love when she hears singing coming from the kitchen.

“Chopping carrots with Ilya,” Shane sings under his breath. “Making salad with Ilya.”

Yuna smiles softly from the dining room. This is one of her favorite things about her son. From the time he could (barely) talk, he made up little songs about anything and everything. The first time he’d done it, he’d been strapped into his car seat and watching cars go by. When he’d caught Yuna’s eye in the rear view mirror, he’d smiled with all 8 of his little teeth and waved.

“Dwiving,” he’d sung, all of 18 months old and barely able to say the word properly. “Dwivin’ wi’ Mama. Wuv Mama.”

Yuna’s not sure if it’s Shane’s way of processing the world around him, just A Thing some people do, or something special about her baby boy. All she knows is that from the first time he’d made up a little tune about Driving With Mama, everything turned into a song. When he’s comfortable and feeling at ease, Shane turns little things around him into music.

Learning to tie his shoes? “Daddy’s teaching me to tie my shoes. One lace over the other. Make the bunny ears!”

Gearing up for practice when he was 8? “Going to practice. Gonna be great. Gonna score a goal!”

Studying for a science test? “Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Everyone says it because it’s true. Moving on—organelles and cell walls.”

Gearing up for his first Metros game as captain? “Taping my hockey stick. Going out on the ice. Gonna kick some ass.”

It’s something so uniquely, adorably, perfectly Shane.

Today, though? As Shane’s in the kitchen preparing a salad for lunch? For the first time, someone else sings along. For the first time in Shane’s life, someone hears the tune and lyrics that only exist in his head and joins in.

“Making salad with Shane,” Ilya croons along, hooking his chin over his boyfriend’s shoulder and wrapping strong arms around his waist. “Preparing lunch with my love.”

Shane smiles and sings back as Ilya nuzzles his neck. “Being domestic with my boyfriend. Thinking of boring things we can do together.”

Ilya laughs and kisses his ear before finishing the song. “I love to be boring with yooouuuu.”

It’s the best song Yuna’s ever heard.

**Continued here!

[the-hollanov-agenda]

As much as I’m a Dom Ilya truther, I don’t think he is tying Shane up very often. He enjoys pinning Shane down with his bare hands, with his body’s weight or to make him hold still only with a stern look or a firmly spoken “stay”.

Ilya doesn’t need cuffs or ropes for Shane to know his place 😏

[tarawitht]

Heated rivalry unpopular headcanons : socmed edition

—Shane and Ilya would never truly reveal the details of their relationship’s timeline. They would probably reveal (to friends who ask) that they became exclusive in 2017 but would never talk about the details of what happened before that.

—Shane would never talk publicly about what went on in Montreal. For many reasons, a) in sports talking badly about your former team is not received good even if they treated you badly. And b) it would be best for him not to engage in another discourse after fanmail-gate.

—Ilya would not share the details of his mental health publicly, and he would not overshare about his relationship with Shane. They’re both famous people and will even more popular after coming out, so they have an image to maintain as brands reps, and league/team rules to follow as players.

—they will not participate in a lot of interviews together (outside of game interviews) and would probably dodge any brands that want them as The Husbands instead of the players. I believe they’d want to still be their own people. And it would be better not to get themselves linked in the public mind all the time

(they’d still be linked obviously they’re married and play on the same team but it would be better not to play into that image and distract from their individual achievements and characters)

I know this takes the fun out of a lot of scenarios but it’s just more realistic imo. I still like crack socmed fanfics.

[the-haiku-bot]

Heated rivalry

unpopular headcanons

: socmed edition

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[mina-logan]

In the words of the wise Hudson Williams:

“Munch much much yum yum yum”

[raccoonspew]

I personally think that Hollanov’s first child chooses to play soccer instead of hockey. Kid (maybe 5 y/o) tells them this offhandedly over breakfast one day, Ilya chokes on his cereal and Shane has to excuse himself and totally doesn’t cry a little bit.

so Kid joins a kindergarten league. Ilya (retired to be a stay at home dad when Kid was two) attends every single practice without fail. He is either standing just behind the fence with his hands on his hips, murmuring in Russian, or he is sitting in the stands taking notes. Shane comes to practice when he can, but never ever misses a game. He also takes notes and films game tape. Theyre genuinely deranged together. The other parents gossip about the Insane Hockey Gays and their equally insane soccer Kid, because you better believe that Kid inherited Shane’s crazy obsessive tendencies and is the most passionate player by far.

They send so many unhinged emails about “inadequate coaching” and “uncoordinated training” that the coach gives up and just lets Ilya do it. The parents are annoyed until they realize how fucking hot the new coach is, and damn the kids are winning now? This is how Ilya ends up holding a clipboard on the side of the field in a bright pink team shirt and stupidly tiny shorts, failing to notice the flock of women (and one other queer parent) drooling in the stands behind him. Shane is sitting in a folding chair pissed the fuck off, because that’s his big strong husband with a clipboard. At half time he gets up to kiss Ilya (just a peck) and maybe squeezes his ass possessively while the kids aren’t looking to send a message to everyone else. Ilya is caught off guard for just a second, before he gets distracted by overhearing his daughter chirp the other team’s goalie.

“What did she just say?” Shane asks.

“Nothing. Was in Russian.”

“You need to tell her she can’t talk like that.”

“Was very cute though.”

[catchymemes]

[alphabetizing-posts]

beast enjoys godless its meal The wretched

[snowsmoked]

The MHL decides to partner with Heartthrobs Against Heart Disease for their 2018 fundraising calendar. It's a Canadian non-profit that features various Heartthrobs in various states of undress at their various jobs. They had firefighter editions, teacher editions, and even farmer editions. The MHL sent out an email to a few dozen of Canadian players, asking if anyone had a free day over the summer.

Yuna Hollander does not hesitate to scoop that charitable opportunity up.

They get their 12 players, one for each month. Shane gets his birth month, May. The tagline on top of his photo is: "I may be a two-time Stanley Cup winner, but I still get checked regularly for early onset heart disease."

During the following preseason, Ilya walks in on the Bears howling with laughter about something. Never one to be left out, Ilya demands to know what's so funny. He's passed a Heartthrob Against Heart Disease 2018-2019 calendar and joins in on the laughter as he flips through these idiots. That is, until he gets to May.

Shane is on the ice, a hockey stick slotted across his broad shoulders, arms draped over it. He's shirtless, only wearing gloves and his baggy hockey pants, ridden down on one side to show off the top of his underwear and the deep V just above his hips. They must have had him do pushups because his abs are more defined than usual, deep cuts across his stomach shimmering with a thin layer of sweat. His hair was messed up, like someone had run their hands through it. He was looking directly at the camera, a little smirk on his face like he knew exactly what he was doing. His biceps...

The calendar was snatched from him, which was probably a good thing, if the saliva pooling in his mouth and the tightness of his pants were anything to go by.

That night, away from any prying eyes and on a private browser, Ilya navigates to the Heartthrobs Against Heart Disease website. He about blacks out when he sees the Special Edition: Oops, All Hollander!

[limpwristedrose]

Someone asking Luca after Shane's first season as AC on the Centaurs: "So, is it difficult with basically three captains, especially if two of them are married that must be hard to get used to.

And Luca and the other rookies being like, oh you mean the Dad-Trifecta? it's the best thing that has ever happened to us.

You loose your skates or you need help with paperwork or you're just feeling kinda sad and need a dad hug - you go Bood. he will grill you some chicken and go speak to Coach for you. You call him or Cassie if you're sick and they will pick you up and deposit you on the floor with Milo and you are their baby now. I'm 23 years old but that's my dad tho

If you're having trouble with other players, or if you're in like, a crisis? Mama Bear Ilya, will 100% get arrested for any of us and/or pick you up from the middle of nowhere any time of night. You wanna ragebait other players? He has the perception of a God and can tell from one look when a players second wife will leave him. He can also tell when you're feeling like shit mentally and he will pick you up take you to Harris farm and make you dog walk with him while throwing sweets at you. Holmberg got high sticked the other week Ilya spent like, 2 hours going through the guys Instagram with us while wine drunk and ripping his entire life to pieces with us.

and Shane? He will come early to practice for you, he will tell me things wrong with my playing I didn't know EXISTED. Boyle was in a slump Hollander turned up at our house with a fucking smoothie get your ass out of bed we're going to the rink and he will completely pull apart your playing style with such precision that's it's beautiful to watch and I'm not even mad about it. Roz will be giving a fucking captains speech about how we can do better next week and he'll fucking pipe up in the corner going, well we will if Lapointe improves his footwork Coach, we're gonna be staying late on Saturday and Wiebe is like, sounds good Hollander like COACH you can't Agree For Me and he'll just go, Shane Hollander is giving you a private lesson I don't care what you're doing cancel it

[compatiblehollanov]

Realistically there’s no way either Shane or Ilya use their local library HOWEVER i like to believe Shane borrowed a book about hockey as a kid and forgot to return it, then got so scared of late fines that he hides it under his childhood bed, not to be found until nosey Ilya goes snooping many years later (because is there any greater joy than seeing your partner’s childhood bedroom?) and convinces Shane they simply /must/ return it and of course Yuna overhears and insists on making it into a fun pr moment

Cue Shane at the Ottawa Public Library with a comically large cheque for like. Idk $200 canadian + the 20 years overdue book

[sumthinboutapickle]

Ok so you guys know abt that trend on tik tok where one person is secretly videoing their parter being all sweet because they think they’re in private?? I got a little something.

Harris had showed Shane this trend one day after practice and jokingly says to Shane “You should do this with Ilya. I bet you’d get hella views” and Shane laughs it off but then is like wait this might actually be a good way to hold something over Ilya for always making him blush in front of all of the other guys.

So Shane starts watching tik toks and studies how he should act when doing this with Ilya.

The perfect opportunity to do it comes later that day when Ilya is sprawled on top of Shane with Shane’s hand in his hair. All sleep heavy and warm.

Shane starts recording without Ilya noticing as Ilya nuzzles his face into Shane’s stomach murmuring I love you over and over again. Shane smiles at the camera and then looks down at his boyfriend. “Are you tired, baby?” Ilya hums and kisses Shane’s stomach. “Just want to stay with you all day” Ilya murmured sleepily, continuing to nuzzle closer into Shane.

Shane couldn’t help but show the absolute admiration he had for this man on his face. “You can be so sweet when you want to be”

“I’m always sweet for you malysh.” Ilya starts kissing up Shane’s chest which has him thinking this video might take a turn soon.

“You’re my sweet boy.” Shane says as Ilya rubs his face into Shane’s neck. “Your sweet boy” Ilya turns his face to kiss at Shane’s jaw and then opened an eye, saw the phone camera, and immediately huffed “Oh shit” and dropped his head on Shane’s shoulder. Shane starts laughing hysterically and saves the video before posting it. Ilya is both gobsmacked and exhilarated about Shane’s quick decision to post something so private about their life together. “You are an evil man” Ilya says to his still laughing husband. “The guys will never let me live this down!”

The guys did not in fact, let Ilya live this down. “Hey lover boy” Troy smirked as Ilya strode into the locker room, Shane’s hand in his. “Has Roz been a good boy Holzy?” Tanner Dillon laughed. Ilya groaned and Shane couldn’t help but smile at his husband’s embarrassment. “Holzy has this man more whipped than cream” Wyatt says loudly, earning laughter amongst the teammates.

Ilya can’t help but smile down at Shane, so much love and devotion in his eyes “yes he does.”

[hr-rep]

Ilya keeping a tally on his Twitter bio of people who have tweeted at him versions of “you and Shane are the reason my partner & I broke up, you guys were just too in love & it made me realize we weren’t.” The number is. Incredibly high and growing.

[loded-diapers]

"this work could have adult content"

scuse you thats why i clicked on it

[burymecherry]

happy fat baby shane friday! i think baby shane loveddd salmon ever since he could first eat solids, he was a bit of a picky eater when he was being weaned off milk a lot of the puréed baby foods they tried to start shane on he would put in his mouth but not really swallow. then one day yuna is making salmon and she gives a little piece to shane for him to try and his eyes light up and he starts happy kicking his chunky little legs in his high chair. after he finishes the piece he makes grabby hands and fusses until she gives him more. she feeds him almost a full filet just like that and he’s so happy. yuna and david start joking that he’s their “little bear” because his favorite foods are salmon and blueberries. when they go out for sushi one night fat baby shane is just knawing down on sashimi, gripping it in his little fist.🥺

[tinylilhollander]

Shane and Ilya are definitely the kind of couple who text each other while they're in the same room as a bunch of other people, and sometimes they'll look up from their phones like "Aw, baby... 🥹" or "My Shane 😭 that is so sweet of you to say."

And the texts are like

I: I wish they could shrink me down really tiny so I could live in your pants and hug your dick the whole day.

S: I wouldn't mind us getting human centipeded together. As long as it was your cock in my ass instead. I think I'd fucking love to have you inside me all the time like that. I'd miss you so much if they ever separated us again.

[mrshollander]

I LOVE the idea of Fat Baby Shane/Fat Child Shane. So, here's some things that I think Fat Baby Shane would do:

When he was a baby, he REFUSED to walk. Not that he couldn't, but he knew that if he didn't that mommy and daddy would eventually buckle and carry him to where ever he needs to go

He was a cuddle fiend. All day, every day baby/toddler shane wanted snuggles and hugs.

Buuuutttt, only from Yuna and David. He would get upset when other people hugged him especially without permission

Because of Shane's cuddling addiction, David got really into baby wearing for a few months. He had the upper body strength to do it without problem, and it made his shanebug happy + take his naps better, but he had to stop doing it as often when his paternity leave was over

Much like a cat, while he loved attention, when he was done cuddling, he was DONE cuddling

Shane was quite the picky eater (he still is in adulthood, lol), he didn't take well to solid for multiple months because all he wanted was milk

At first, he didn't like playing hockey/skating (assuming Yuna and David put him in lessons the second he could walk, and let's be honest, they totally did) because it was too cold, too much physical activity, and too much noise, but after 2-4 times going to the rink, he started to love it!

I know that boy would munch up Auntie Anne's chedder bunnies after school

I feel like middle school would be around the time his relationship with food started to get more complicated and he lost his childhood fluffiness. Maybe due to bullying, probably at hockey but maybe also at school.

Okay! That's all! Lmk what you thought ❤️