anxi0usturtl3 @anxi0usturtl3 - Tumblr Blog

you can never go back. this is your one life. you had a bad childhood and that's it. you lost your teen years to mental illness and that's it. you're miserable in your 20s and that's it. you just go forward

survivingthehorrors

I am my father’s daughter.

Except… I’m not.

I’m not cruel.

I’m not reactionary.

I’m not unfair. Or unwilling.

I’m not scary. I’m not angry.

I’m not the werewolf in my dreams. The one that lurks, and preys, and waits until I let my guard down to eat away at me.

I don’t demand people’s fear because I’m too afraid I won’t earn their respect.

I have empathy. I have emotional intelligence.

I’m not my father’s daughter.

No. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

Except…I think that maybe I am.

I think about that time when I made a girl cry in middle school because she made me feel small.

Or the time I called my landlord a cunt because she made me feel weak.

How many times have I taken someone’s power

to stop feeling powerless?

I think I am my father’s daughter.

I think he’s in every part of myself that I hate.

I think that maybe he was his father’s son.

I think he’s tried and failed to cope with his monster.

I think I’m destined to repeat the cycle.

But fuck destiny. I’ll create my own.

I’ll scratch and claw away at the monster he's made me until it learns to fear me.

I’ll eat that monster down to its bones.

I’ll swallow it whole.

I am my father’s daughter.

But I’m trying not to be.

zxlofttt

When you start S/H at a young age and so now you have a habit of looking at people's arms, legs, or thighs to see if they did/do it too<<<<<<

boatgrave-deactivated20250901

tumblr is like a pseudo afterlife because everyone on here was supposed to kill themselves a long time ago

reesiereads

The thing about PMDD that makes it so much worse then having just general depression or anxiety is how invalidating it feels.

Knowing that a sudden onslaught of negative thoughts or paranoid feelings is only occurring because of your period makes it really hard to be understanding or to reframe the thinking. A typical way of dealing with depression or anxiety is finding the root of the problem and reworking how one thinks but when those feelings are just something your body goes through because of hormones and there genuinely is no cause what are you meant to do then?

Plus, how do you even begin to explain that feeling to other people? If you admit how your feeling it’s not like anyone can actually help you, they can make things a little easier maybe but the feelings are always going to return every single month and there is absolutely no way to explain why you feel off unless you’re willing to tell someone it’s your period, and even then saying “my period is messing me up” isn’t going to actually get you sympathy or help. Other people who menstruate may say “oh I get that!” And joke a bit about how much it sucks but they don’t actually get how awful it is when you have PMDD, it’s not the same as a normal period. Most people don’t suddenly fall into a severe depression once a month because of their fucking period.

My point, I guess, is that having PMDD is both invalidating and isolating. It’s the sort of thing that can make you feel really hopeless sometimes because it’s never going to go away, you’re only option is to try and lessen it and push through it.

dragonheartstring360

can’t emphasize enough how when you grew up in a toxic environment, being in the room with someone who’s angry or frustrated - even if it has nothing to do with you - is absolutely terrifying cuz you’ve been 1000% conditioned to assume frustration = all hell is going to break lose and be aimed directly at you