A088

Welcome to my world. Won't you come on in? I hope you enjoy reading my thoughts as much as I enjoyed them dancing around in my head. I'd love to hear from you! Aisha

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I was feeling myself so much this morning I had to show the world.

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They built us strong...

They built us strong enough to carry the weight of responsibility. From a young age our knots and bolts were oiled for resilience, we came with a 25 year warranty. Long enough to last us until an upgrade was due, but short enough to render us dependant on something.

During construction, they forgot to teach us how to be weak. No that is not to be accepted here. Only the fit survive, handouts don't exist, just cold hard graft now THAT'S what builds durability. We were good students, great even, as we learned to be blase in our emotional endeavours, kept our brick walls solid and our dependence to a minimum.

They built us strong, strong enough to think independently, strong enough to fend for our self in times of strife, strong enough to make ends meet, strong enough to cope with emotional turmoil without being shaken. We didn't need them. We indeed made room for them; not for convenience sake but for necessity, following the diktats of the manuals we all came with.

For after our 25year warranty expired, the decision for our upgrade was 'subject to status' and many 'terms and conditions' needed to be met. One such condition being versatility. But they built us strong, not versatile. We - like nuclear war heads - were built for a sole purpose; to be strong. Versatility was not in the initial spec. Thus where are we to find this component you speak of?

We, the women of our time were built strong. In a time when our mothers' weakness and dependence came back to haunt them. In a time when our fathers' absence - metaphorically and literally - forced us to be the defenders of our integrity, the providers of our security and the sole source of freedom from a cycle of deprivation.

They built us strong.

[ao88-blog]

Random

Advice often adds vice when wrongly directed.

Lessons do not lessen your pride.

Humour humbles.

Love loathes the lack of love.

Expectations are mostly contrary to acceptations.

To embrace beauty is a duty you owe to the world.

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Please wake up

I went to the canteen this morning to get my breakfast before I started a gruelling day of work and I overheard the following statement from a lady perched on a high stool near the automatic doors – I assume to get better phone signal – who uttered the following words down the phone:

  “Sometimes I just wish I was single. Everything about him now irritates me, his face, his smell. Sometimes I just want to tell him ‘for the sake of our marriage please shut up!’”

  Yikes!

  Even for the most optimistic of us, hearing such a statement will surely induce some level of concern about the romanticised ideal of conjugal bliss that we’ve become accustomed to fantasising about. I for one am guilty of such fantasies. My gated 4 bedroom detached house in Richmond with my 2 kids (one boy one girl of course) and my uber perfect husband with his ripped abdomen, suave demeanour and ever romantic gestures *swoons* and his large bank balance that’s ALWAYS in the black with a minimum of 6 figures at any point. I’ve always been a dreamer.

  Lately though the possibility of such an ideal not occurring has started to dawn on me and I’ve found it hard to cope with. I blame it on growing up. The pressure of financial resources, the apparent scarcity of ‘good men’ and the continuous worry of one’s ticking female body clock (a thought that paints an image of my ovaries drying up egg by egg) are not the ideal backdrop to start dreaming up the perfect marriage.

  I’d imagine that I-wish-I-was-single lady (henceforth IWIWSL) didn’t feel the way she feels now when she first met her husband. I’m sure she was well and truly loved up, head over heels with him that she saw all his imperfections but still loved him anyway. But at what point in the marriage did the blind eye to the imperfections start to have 20/20 vision? I’m sure his voice used to lull her to sleep and create many ‘tingling sensations’ when he spoke to her and uttered sweet nothings. But when in the marriage did she suddenly stop hearing birds chirping and started hearing the deafening vibrations of a construction site drill? Where is this point of conjugal decline? And more importantly how does one recognise it and turn it to a J-curve instead?

  Could it be that the point of conjugal decline was present from the beginning but was conveniently stowed away as all other romanticised ideals superseded our conscious, rational thought? Surely there were signs of imperfections in the beginning. Surely the person had irritating habits in the beginning. Surely the person’s voice could not have varied by so many octaves automatically following marriage. I think we have been fed an unrealistic expectation of marriage. Once where once you walk down the aisle in your beautiful sweetheart neckline ivory dress, with your 6 bridesmaids and cushion cut platinum engagement ring on your left finger (*ahem* future husband please pay BIG attention to the ring detail here), you live happily ever after with no financial hindrances, no arguments and no flaws. Perfect!

  Please wake up from this dream. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. Of course it does. But have you prepared yourself for the possibility that it won’t? Have you built up the mental strength to deal with the pressure if your 6 figure earning husband suddenly gets made redundant and you become the main breadwinner in your household? Have you mentally prepared yourself for the possibility that in the beginning you may have to settle for a 1 bedroom council flat in a grimy estate because it’s cheaper than the £2000 a month 2 bedroom/2 bathroom with walk in closet apartment in Chelsea you’ve coveted all this while so you and your Mr can get yourself on your feet? Or ladies, have you mentally prepared yourself for the possibility that the holidays in Antigua and the Bahamas may have to wait a few decades because things are ‘tough right now’?

  Like me, you probably hadn’t, but I think you probably should. Because while some girls are lucky enough to have it all on arrival of their dream man, you may not be so lucky. So what will you do? Face reality square on and do what’s necessary, or bury your head in the sand, only to resurface years later and utter the words IWIWSL did?

  Please wake up!

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If you REALLY liked her...

Everyone knows the song ‘Single Ladies’ by Beyonce; and while I’m not an advocate of taking every word from these popular culture songs and applying them to my life verbatim, there is one line in the song that I wholeheartedly agree with. “If you like it then you should have put a ring on it!”

  I agree with this line because I have noticed the tendency of some men (I am a woman, I can only speak from this angle) to creep up out of the woodwork the minute they discover a girl is in a relationship/seeing someone/about to get hitched. Suddenly they start calling you 3 times a day instead of 3 times a year. Suddenly they ‘remember to call you back’ after all those months. Suddenly That – to them – appears to be the convenient time to start spitting lyrics and blowing up her phone like no tomorrow. Meanwhile the new guy she’s with can’t get enough of her and had made his intentions clear from DAY ONE. You waited until the following millennia to start showing interest...really?!

  If you liked her THAT much, you should have taken her off the market and made it clear to both her and the world that she was very much ‘taken’. However you chose to wait until someone else saw the value in her before you ‘realised’ how much you like her. You have many screws loose, please find them.

  LADIES! Please beware of these men. They are not out here trying to offer you something better than what you currently have. The grass is NOT greener on the other side with this indecisive-i-only-want-you-now-coz-someone-else-does man. The grass is greener and will grow tall right where you are so long as you and your present Mr nurture it. The power of the incumbent on THIS occasion is and ought to be stronger than the one you don’t have. Yes this other guy may appear on the surface to be ‘better’ than your incumbent. But how is he going to treat you when he didn’t really want you in the first place and now that he does it’s for all the wrong reasons.

  Remember the nights you spent talking on the phone with that other guy, the many ‘dates’ you went on, how much TIME and EMOTION you invested in him, with what result... NOTHING!.... do you REALLY want to go there again? Just to be faced with false promises.

  Please please please, be content with what you have, don’t allow these false dream offering guys to lure you from the comfort of the blissful reality you’re currently experiencing....IT’S NOT WORTH IT!

  Bye!

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You're in 'serious relationship' terriroty when...

A list of things that indicate you're in a 'serious relationship' This list if not exhaustive. Add yours as you see fit.

You're in 'serious relationship' territory when the concept of 'breaking up' just isn't an option. By God's will you gotta work it out!

  You're in 'serious relationship' territory when the other person's retarded idiosyncrasies are endearing rather than irritating.

  You're in 'serious relationship' territory when you have nothing constructive to say but your other half listens anyway and feigns interest so well it only gives you more ammunition to keep talking.

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ territory when you put their photo up on BBM (it’s a pretty big deal).

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ territory when having a Skype conversation with your other half with your night headscarf and face mask on isn’t a conversation starter but a norm because he’s seen you in almost every state.

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ territory when your other half borrows a random persons phone to call you just to let you know their battery died hence why you can’t get hold of them.

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ territory when you constantly tell your friends “please let me call you back, my boo is calling me!” and never call your friend back! but they understand :)

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ territory when he/she becomes your new gossip partner.

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ terriroty when statements like “I’m addicted to you” don’t make you want to run a mile.

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ territory when all your friends are tired of hearing about your other half.

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ territory when your pray for your other half!

  You’re in ‘serious relationship’ territory when all your preconceived ideas of courting times, courting methods and general relationship standards are thrown to the wind.

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Third Class Women

They failed to hesitate in reminding us of our societal status. Our M.S was not compared with their M.R.S. Adorned with platinum or gold, their metal of choice was insignificant. They failed to hesitate in offering us words of advice on how to be more marketable, how to 'catch him' and 'keep him' after-all they graduated from the school of MS and are rightly positioned to advise us thus. They failed to hesitate in removing us from their conversations, as we are perceived to incognisant of the analogies and turmoils attributed to MRS. We were after all one letter short. They failed to withhold their blasé comments about our sorry state. Meandering through life with a letter missing from our titles and a metal on the wrong hand. The didn't fail in their consolatory tones and their analysis of our state and consequently diagnosing us with symptoms of 'picky' 'inflexible' or most endearingly 'unlucky' They classed us second to them. I correct myself, third. For in the Olympiad of MRS, our singledom is a mere bronze, we still need to 'find him' to attain a silver before we graduate to the grand prize so coveted by many. The gold MRS with all the trimmings.

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Can you see it?

Ponder on the Lord and

Reflect on his mercies on you

After all, where else will you

Yield fruitful rewards without his

Everlasting love and attention?

Remember Him on all occasions, for He forgets you not.

  Wake at dawn, eyes struggling to

Open from sleep, stand upright and call Him to attention

Recall the Signs He had revealed for you and

Kneel at the call of His greatness, kneeling ever still

Submission epitomised.

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Half Way House

Im in a half way house, down middle street, on The corner of the T junction.

Im in a half way house, somewhere between content and confused.

Im in a half way house, couldn’t afford a mortgage so I settled for rent.

Im in a half way house, somewhere between devoted and straying.

Im in a half way house, somewhere between cultured and neutral.

Im in a half way house, somewhere between black and white.

Im in a halfway house, somewhere between Ruku and Sujud

Im in a half way house, somewhere between Heaven and Hell.

Im in a half way house, down middle street, on the corner of the T junction, your satnav wont find me.

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A'isha

"Mother of the faithful believers" Sahih Bukhari Ahadith, Vol 1, Book 1, Number 2

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Ramadan Kareem to all Muslims around the world.

Lets use this month for it's intended purpose InshaAllah.

Ma'Salaam

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What more do you want?!

Masters graduate, Nigerian, MUSLIM!, says his daily prayers, has a good head on his shoulders, yada yada yada.

  The question then is.. “what more can I ask for” Right?

  I’ve always been of the contention that it’s not how many boxes a man ticks, but how he makes me feel. On this occasion the gentleman in question ticked a lot of boxes, some that I didn’t even consider until he showed up and boy was I happy. I smiled from ear to ear. Prayed to God almighty for this one to be “it” and had dreamt of how life would be with this tick boxing man that I had come across.

  His advances were as you’d expect, phone calls, text’s et al. But in all our endeavours, days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months (six to be exact) and we were nowhere near where I thought we ought to be. Our conversations would often fall silent, if not that then tension would linger between our mobile signals as I say something out of turn and he clings to a word, or phrase to justify his contention of me being ‘difficult’. It resulted in a back and forth treading on eggshells. All the while I had to remember that this man was for all intents and purposes not my boyfriend! Just a dude that acquired half a year of my life with no down payment. Weird right.

  I guess you could say “yeah but if you guys have been talking for so long you should know where you stand with him”..... WRONG!

  It took me a while to realise that as many boxes as he ticked, the “ready to commit” box wasn’t one of them. He did however tick the “keep her around as long as possible until I am (may/may never be) ready” box. And boy was he successful.

  The mistake I made and I think a lot of people will agree is this; when we meet someone that ticks all our boxes, both the ones we fixed to the ground and the ones we’re willing to overlook, we throw caution to the wind and conclude that “it will all be perfect, it will all work out”... why? Because you don’t want people to ask you “WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!” Well here’s what. Forget your masters degree Mr...all you need is a PhD in studying ME. And my Mr was too busy comparing me to every other Sasha, Dami and Tola in his mind that had once screwed him over that he didn’t realise that the girl on the other phone, the girl opposite him just wanted to be his...

  Sad but true. I was prepared to settle for the lack of affection, lack of warmth, lack of willingness to commit, lack of EMOTION! Just because he ticks ‘boxes’. The main reason not because I don’t think I deserve to feel loved, or desired, or wanted by a man who occupied so much of my mental space, but because I didn’t want to be told “gosh Aisha, you’re so picky, what more do you want? This guy has everything!”... yeah, he has everything that the eye see’s but my heart hurts whenever I argue with a man who manages to claim my time, but isn’t prepared to claim me. My heart hurts when he constantly presses on the “as a SINGLE guy” statement then with the same tongue gets mad when I forget to call him back (how confusing!). My heart hurts when he says I’m playing games when I forget to call before I sleep (dude, I can’t control my sleep). I’m not prepared to compromise on LOVE, ATTENTION AND COMMITMENT because he ticks societies boxes of the ‘perfect man’ and to be honest? Because of the fear of “what if another doesn’t come along like him?...at least he’s Muslim, at least he’s Nigerian, at least...at least...at least...” I psyche myself out that I need to settle for the least because the most/best may never come. (do I make sense?).

  So before I get labelled as looking for ‘Mr perfect’ or someone asks “what more do you want” I’ll answer it with this.

  I want a man who loves me, appreciates my efforts in trying to overcome the bad times so we can bask in the good times. I want a man that will NEVER compare me to his ex and realises that we’re two different people...I won’t do you like she did. Finally, I want a man that doesn’t make me pay for crimes I didn’t commit.

  Is that too much to ask?

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Govern Yourself Accordingly by Kalamu Ya Salaam

This Poem arrived in my inbox this morning from a gentleman I met on the train a few weeks back. He asked me what I had in my shopping bag and our conversation revolved around the bunch of bananas I had just purchased. I've recieved a poem every week since then from him and thought I'd share this one with you all.  It's reflective of where we all ought to aspire to be and I in particular need to make this my mantra to life...and to love. I hope it makes you smile as much as I did.

Thank you sir for making my day.

Enjoy.

Govern Yourself Accordingly. By Kalamu Ya Salaam

i have dismissed  the minister  of emotional defenses,  distributed  confetti to all  the guards and given  faithful and ever vigilant  caution  several days off the city  of me is well ready  to joyously receive and  rainbow celebrate  your unanticipated but  nonetheless profoundly appreciated  arrival into the intimacy  of our space know that you are warmly  welcomed for howsoever long  you should choose to stay  here, you need no keys  no door is locked to you  every window is open feel free 

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How much can love tolerate before it becomes insulting?

My Mind.

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I'm Back..sort of..

Hi,

  It’s been a while since I wrote something on here and that’s not necessarily because I don’t have anything to say, more because time, that precious element which seems to be slipping through my fingers more and more these days just doesn’t allow me to sleep let alone bare my thoughts in the way I’m used to.

  Alas, I am here now, I’ve been able to wangle 20 minutes (I’m assuming that’s how long it’s going to take me to write this) out of my schedule and talk to you, or me, or whoever bothers to read these about things which mean so much to me but are probably mundane rants to you.

  So I’ve decided I’m going to do a whistle stop tour of my life over the past couple months. What I’ve done, not done and planning to do.Where necessary I’ll dedicate an individual blog post to those I find most compelling.

  1.    I got a promotion at work and haven’t stopped working since April.

2.    I lied I stopped working for 10 days. But that was only because I forced myself out of the country.

3.    I went to America  (Atlanta)

4.    I met some super duper people and ate some super duper food.

5.    I cried on the plane journey back (Funke was too busy sleeping next to me to notice!)

6.    Funke is my travel buddy J

7.    I got a weave! (I know I know...what happened right?)

8.    I bought an iPad J L

9.    I reconnected with an old friend.

10. Made a new one(s)

11. Decided I don’t want to be here anymore (the UK that is). The lack of sunshine in this country is becoming to my detriment.

12. I and my Co. Got our site up and running (well, she did lol Thanks Kem).

13. I lost a best friend.

14. Then I gained a new one.

15. I haven’t finished my book L

16. My mentor isn’t happy with me L

17. I still haven’t learnt to bake, or swim, or become fully conversational in Arabic

18. Speaking of Arabic, my last few classes are this week and the next.

19. I realise I can be more flexible than I used to be.

20. I put my heart in a tiny paper boat and sent it out to sea. I didn’t put a tracker on it. So I have no knowledge of its whereabouts.

21. I still sleep late, even though 11pm was my absolute cut off point.

22. I might go abroad again this year, I might not, I’ll see how I feel when I look at my bank balance.

23. So far I’m behind on my savings target this year L

24. But I have a plan to get it back on track.

25. I’m still single. But not so sad about it these days...for a number of reasons.

26. I’m thinking of buying a car, but I won’t....unnecessary expense in London.

27. I’ve picked up a few bad habits, and gained some even better ones (cleanse, tone, moisturise).

  I’m done.

  See you soon.

  A088

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Great article on the brain drain. Are you back to help your country as well?

Thanks for reading, much appreciated! No I'm not currently in my country (Nigeria) I'm currently in the UK. I'm working on a number of projects to eventually export back home. Until I have something to offer, I won't be making the move, tempting as it is! What about you?

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The Brain Gain with not much Gain

There is a phenomenon occurring in Africa and indeed other parts of the ‘developing world’ called the ‘Brain Gain’. This is in contrast to the notion of human, financial and technological capital leaving an underdeveloped country to go to a more developed country. In a ‘Brain Gain’ scenario, the same resources which left the developing country begins to return to their country of origin. The motivations behind this move can be numerous and are often inconsistent between one person to the next. Some try to argue that there is a consistency among all people that choose to return to their country of origin. But if you’re at all familiar with buying behaviour you know that there is a rational reason for doing something which is often given to justify the persons actions and the real reason which is underpinned by emotions and more intangible qualifiers which people are often less willing to admit to as a reason for upping sticks.

If we use Nigeria as an example then, I’ll be able to clearly illustrate where I’m coming from in choosing the position that in most cases, the Brain Gain we’re experiencing with many repatriates to Nigeria is not bringing us much gain at all!

If you’re within the age bracket of about 20-40 in these current times you will have either heard someone say (or you would have said it yourself) “I’m tired of the UK! I wanna go back home.” Or “Mehn we’re really suffering in this jand o!” (jand being England/UK). This statement is often uttered by people who feel disenfranchised in their current country of residence either through some feeling of alienation or emphasized ‘foreignness’ which reminds them that ‘this isn’t your home’. For others it’s the economic situation of their current place of residence which forces them to seek other – albeit not necessarily greener – pastures; consequently Nigeria (for those who left the country and still have a valid means of returning) appears to be a viable option. While there is much study done by various media and academic outlets on the effects (see here for FT report) (and here for CNN documentary) of the Diaspora Brain Gain, I, from mere observations (after all what is mere observation when quantitative data flouts qualitative rationale in  academia) have noticed a less reported and fearfully more damaging motivation behind many of my peers zipping their suitcases, buying a one way ticket to Lagos or Abuja and saying goodbye to foreign shores.

The reason (and to a large extent I’d argue that the CNN video perpetuates the exact opinion I hold) I suspect is just good old peer pressure. Yes, peer pressure. The devil in our psyche’s which encourages us to behave as others behave, to follow the crowd and be standard rather than set a standard. I say this not because I believe that every single individual has moved back to Nigeria because they’ve been pressured by their friends to do so. After all some people have a limited tenure on their visa, others are on secondment, others are making a strategic decision while some are just genuinely unable to become accustomed to life overseas and hence prefer to be on familiar territory. Of course I recognise those genuine motivations. However, when I listen to conversations and engage with people in conversations around these topics, the reason is often given that there are “so many opportunities back home” however when I enquire where the opportunities are, how they will utilise it, what they will contribute to the country in return, what their strategy is, what their roadmap for success is when going back, I get blank stares or confused expressions (I got an angry one once because apparently my questions were ‘irritatingly pretentious’).

Ultimately, because of the fantastic stories they had heard and scenes or luxury they had seen when they went on holiday once a year in December, partied in VI and mingled with our version of celebrities, they had decided that life would always be this way and thus they needed to be a part of the action before it went dull! This confirmed to me that in order for someone to make a decision so bold as to change geographies without consideration of the long term implications is either stupidity or they don’t need to consider it because they have a cushion which would act as a buffer for any hardship they may come across.  To remove the previous euphemism and say it in layman’s terms; Mummy or Daddy will sort them out should push come to shove.

It saddens me that much of my generation are caught up in the allure of the luxurious offerings a December or Easter holiday offers them when they go back that few stop to think “now how do I help the other XMillion people in my country so we can enjoy this together. But then why would they. Everybody knows that in Nigeria it’s an “oppress or be oppressed” mentality so it’s a constant competition to do better than your neighbour rather than do with your neighbour.

I have to admit that I wasn’t far from getting sucked into this mindset. I was near this ludicrous mindset of hopping onto the next flight to Lagos with no plan, no strategy and no aforethought for how I would survive once I get there. Because while it’s easy to follow the crowd, how easy is it to keep up when they begin to outpace you?

Now I don’t want to be misunderstood or misquoted as an opposition to the progress of Nigeria through the brain gain effect. Far from it! I’m a champion of taking Nigerian resources currently residing in foreign shores back home to help to rebuild our fragile economic and political state. However, I only believe this can be done if we return with something to offer rather than only thinking about what we can gain personally. When we think only of what we can gain we become consumed in oppressing through our accumulation of consumer goods that we do no good at all. When we want to return to Nigeria, let’s do so under a remit of commitment to develop the country. Let’s set ourselves targets of how we will do that and lets EXECUTE our plans in delivering those self made promises. Let’s not lean on our parents hooking us up into roles in government agencies and multinational organisations that we know we are INCOMPETENT in just because we want to be ‘busy’ when we get back. Our inefficiencies as individuals make the organisations we operate in inefficient and consequently make the country inefficient and stagnant. Focus on your strengths and what you can contribute to the greater good that will allow you to make a living rather than wanting to work for Shell because everyone you know works there.

Have I touched a few nerves here? If I have then I’m glad. Maybe this will force you to rethink before you pack that bag and book that ticket.

Good day.