sorry i have a problem with this way of thinking about spuffy
i need everyone to stop projecting their ideas of normal/traditional healthy human relationship/dynamics onto spike and buffy because there is literally no way in hell anybody in this show is redeemable or worthy of forgiveness by any standard if you do that, including buffy herself. and it's a complete waste of nuance that was very deliberately crafted into the story too. spike is a villain and buffy is a hero and both want to kill each other for different reasons and they both actively try to do exactly that multiple times. both feel deep deep hatred for one another for most of the time they spend in the other's presence. spike should by all accounts try to kill her constantly because he is the villainnnnn. it's almost his job. same way buffy should want to kill him any chance she gets. that's the standard that's set and that the characters should meet. it's only when they get caught off guard by their own self reflected back to them through this other being that their preconceived ideas of how they should behave take a step back and they engage with each other almost softly, very gently. like in the scene that's referenced in the op.
i guess my problem with it is that it comes across as if fans only like spuffy because james marsters is hot and people are too dumb to think critically about the media they're consuming. which sure, seeing these dynamics could be harmful if you're a teenager watching, but not more harmful than, say, bangel. not by any standards. bangel might be worse by the simple fact that angel is not supposed to be perceived as a villain so anything he does gets idealized and romanticized, while spike is perceived as a villain and punished for it all the way to the end of the show.
it's because of everything bad spike and buffy have done to each other that the soft gentle things are all the more devastating. fans that like spuffy do so with their eyes fully open and mostly their moral compasses fully intact. there's no situation in real life that could mimic this because in real life if a man goes after you with a shotgun there are no amount of tears in the world that will stop him. if a man kidnaps you in real life and holds you hostage until you say you love him back you will not live to tell the tale. if a man attempts to rape you he's not doing so because he's a supernaturally soulless creature of the darkness, acting from a place of confusion and fully aware that you could stop him with a flick of your wrist, and because you're not a being that was gifted with superpowers strong enough to make you the most feared creature amongst fearsome creatures. spuffy is not a self-insert fanfiction about a hot man pulling himself down to your level and being worthy of a pedestal for it, they're about shadow integration!!! they're about the dynamic of the monster/slayer romance!!! they're equals in strength, hate, lust and love for one another!! that's what's hot about them TO ME