i hesitate before speaking, letting the quiet stretch just a second longer, because silence with him isn’t empty — it’s charged. it hums with everything i’m afraid to say. i think about how he sounds when he’s tired, how there’s always something careful in his pauses, like he’s bracing for impact. i know that feeling. i live inside it. loving conrad has always felt like standing too close to the ocean at night, knowing one wrong step could pull me under, but never stepping back anyway. sometimes i wonder if he knows how much space he still occupies in my life. how even here, surrounded by new people and new routines, he’s the constant. he’s the voice that slips through the cracks when the day falls apart. i don’t tell him that there are moments i pick up my phone just to stare at his name, waiting for night to give me permission to call. i don’t tell him that i’m terrified he’ll decide one day that this — us — is something he needs to outgrow.
because if he does, i don’t know what i’ll do with all this wanting. it’s a dull ache that never leaves, a constant pull toward him, toward the sound of his voice, the shape of his words, the way he can make me feel like the only person in the world even when i’m surrounded by everyone else. and some nights, when i think about him too much, it’s like my chest is too full, too heavy, and i have to remind myself to breathe. but tonight is different. tonight, i’m outside, and the air is cold and sharp, but it feels alive. i tilt my face toward the stars, and they scatter like tiny sparks across the sky, and the moon hangs low and silver, calm as if it knows all the secrets i’m holding. it makes me think about him — where he is, what he’s seeing, if he’s looking at the same moon and imagining me somewhere under it, thinking about him too. it’s a little ridiculous, and maybe a little hopeless, but it makes me feel close to him anyway. i think about the way he smiles, the sound of his laugh, how his voice carries warmth even through the phone. i think about the times we’ve spent together, the little moments that are ours alone, and the nights we’ve stayed up until hours that don’t even have names, just talking. the thought of those nights is like a soft ache, like the tide pulling at me from somewhere far away. i cling to it because it reminds me that even with the distance, even with all the chaos of this new life, he’s still mine in some unspoken, irreplaceable way.
sometimes i imagine him here, just leaning against the wall of my dorm building, smiling like he knows exactly what i’m thinking. i imagine that if i reached out, i could touch him, just barely, and it would be enough to steady me. i know it’s impossible, but it doesn’t stop me from picturing it. i tell myself that as long as i have his voice in my ears, as long as we keep talking, i can survive the rest of it. i pull my sweater tighter around me and feel the chill creep in, but it doesn’t matter. it’s just background noise. the important part is the quiet, the night, the sky, and him. even miles away, he’s here. and for now, that’s enough. ❝ okay, so first… you’re not going to believe this, ❞ i finally say, my voice soft against the night. ❝ i spilled an entire cup of coffee on my notebook in class. like, a total coffee tsunami right over my notes. and it happened just as i was supposed to be presenting. everyone stared, and i froze. i tried to make it look intentional — like, ‘yes, this is modern interpretive coffee art, very relevant to symbolism.’ no one bought it. my professor just… stared. looked like he was about to cry. ❞ i laugh quietly, imagining how he’d roll his eyes at me. ❝ then i went outside to get some air, and i ended up wandering through the campus paths, just staring at the stars and the moon for a while. it was freezing, but the sky was amazing, conrad. i thought about how far away you are, and it felt like maybe we were sharing this same night, even if we’re apart. ❞ i pull my sweater tighter, fingers brushing the strap of my phone. ❝ and then, because my day apparently likes chaos, i slipped on some ice near the fountain. not badly, just enough to scare a guy walking by, who offered me his scarf. i laughed so hard i nearly fell again. ❞ i pause, letting the quiet settle over the campus. ❝ by the time i got back, freezing and a little late for dinner with taylor, i couldn’t stop thinking about how absurd today was… and now talking to you, it feels perfect. which was honestly the best part of my day. now, can you beat that? ❞