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Cosimo Galluzzi
One Nice Bug Per Day
blake kathryn
JVL
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
JBB: An Artblog!
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
NASA
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
Misplaced Lens Cap
h
Keni
if i look back, i am lost
Today's Document
Mike Driver
Kaledo Art
we're not kids anymore.
seen from Hungary
seen from T1
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from United States
@appletea95
Lily: Do you remember what sleep was like? Because I don’t.
@asktheboywholived
James: H-huh?
James: Stop it. Stop sleeping! Lily… I need you for moral support!
Lily: I carried that child for 9 months.
James: *sighs dramatically*
*freezes*
Lily: …set him down gently…
James: *slowly… SLOWLY gets up*
James: Good work team.
*Tired High-Five Exchange*
James: *jerks awake*
Oh dear god no Pads.
*Harry begins screaming and crying*
*gets up and leaves room in a flurry*
I’m on a drawing roll! And in such a good mood that i even draw backgrounds now. What is happening to me?
Anyway. Little Remus getting sorted, fuzzy sweater and all :)
oooooooh
Sirius: I want to be a vampire.
Remus: Why?
Sirius: So I can preserve my gorgeous self for all eternity.
Remus: You know if you became a vampire we couldn't be together, right? Vampires, werewolves - mortal enemies?
Sirius: *gasp* in that case I'm fine with getting old and saggy.
James: You're supposed to say: "Wow, that's just crazy enough to work."
Remus: Incredibly, chance does seem to bend itself to his bizarre machinations.
Sirius: That's his superpower.
Mini Marauders Headcanon
Left-handed Remus Lupin.
Imagine him with more random ink splotches than normal. Ink running up his arm. Awful, smeared hand-writing. Ink smeared on his nose and his books (sweaters too!). Ink spills and fingerprints everywhere (inky dog footprints from every time he’s spilled ink and Sirius, as Padfoot, stepped in it).
Also, Remus having to hold his mugs backwards (which puts him in a bad mood). And the world just not working with him b/c it’s for righties. And him being unreasonably angry about that because it’s another thing in his life that he can’t control. And he’s been caught more than once cursing loudly at every day objects that won’t work the way he wants them too. So then he’s grouchy, tired, werewolf Remus Lupin. And he’s such an adorable mess.
(And, Merlin, stay out of his way b/c he just knocked over his ink and has to restart an essay.)
Mini Marauders Headcanon
Left-handed Remus Lupin.
Imagine him with more random ink splotches than normal. Ink running up his arm. Awful, smeared hand-writing. Ink smeared on his nose and his books (sweaters too!). Ink spills and fingerprints everywhere (inky dog footprints from every time he’s spilled ink and Sirius, as Padfoot, stepped in it).
Also, Remus having to hold his mugs backwards (which puts him in a bad mood). And the world just not working with him b/c it’s for righties. And him being unreasonably angry about that because it’s another thing in his life that he can’t control. And he’s been caught more than once cursing loudly at every day objects that won’t work the way he wants them too. So then he’s grouchy, tired, werewolf Remus Lupin. And he’s such an adorable mess.
(And, Merlin, stay out of his way b/c he just knocked over his ink and has to restart an essay.)
Wolfstar AU
Headcanon where wizarding world is all just the dreams of a little boy called Remus Lupin, induced from the drugs he takes for his illness. He tells his mum he’s a werewolf wizard and she smiles at him as another blood test is sent off for inspection.
They don’t go away, over the years, in fact they get more vivid. But Remus doesn’t mind, he likes dreaming about magic and going to school and the three boys who are his friends when he goes to sleep. It’s a little weird that sometimes he dreams up a character and they appear in real life, like the werewolf that bit him in his dream world looking exactly like that guy who was convicted of murder, or the Headmaster of the magic school being his new doctor, but it’s not the weirdest thing going on his life so he just shrugs every time it happens.
But then his dreams start turning into nightmares. He’s older in his dreams, than he is in real life, and there’s this guy called Voldemort who is killing people, and all his dream friends don’t trust him and people keep dying in his dreams and he’s so, so scared that they’ll die in real life, like Marlene, the girl who sometimes shows up for checkups when he’s at the hospital for a long stay, she has these vividly coloured wigs that always make him smile. And then it happens. And he’s as alone in his head as he is in the real world. He wakes up crying that night, and refuses tell anyone why because he knows it’s not real but it still hurts.
When Sirius shows up in the real world a couple of months later, all cheeky grins and ridiculously good looks like in his dreams, Remus refuses to talk to him. He knows it’s stupid. This stranger doesn’t know he betrayed his friends in Remus’ head, God, he doesn’t even know the sarcastic boy, with the messy curls in the bed next to his, creepily dreamt up a magic world he has somehow starred in since he was eleven.
He doesn’t stop trying to talk to Remus though. Not even when Remus snaps and screams, “I just can’t trust you, okay?!” one night when the dreams and his illness and his imagined broken friendship with the boy becomes too much. Not when, a couple of weeks later Remus starts saying the name, Harry in his sleep like a complete nutter. Not when Remus wakes up gasping, covered in sweat, and stumbles over to Sirius’ bed, amber eyes wide and repeating the words “it was Peter”, and “I’m sorry” over and over.
Sirius just wiggles his way firmly into Remus’ life, telling bad jokes, ranting about his latest book series, or the merits of Punkrock vs that ‘swotty librarian look you’ve got going on’. And eventually Remus stops questioning why Sirius likes Remus so much even when he was a complete twat to him for almost two months. He comforts Sirius when the chemo takes his hair, Sirius lends him all the books he could ever want, they go through good days and bad days and everything is great. And then Sirius falls through the veil in his dream, and Remus wakes up to find that his real world Sirius has relapsed. And he cries for near on two hours. Because this is it, he finally has a friend, and his stupid fucking dreams have jinxed it.
But Sirius gets better, gets stronger, stops looking like a skeleton. It still takes Remus a while to stop waking up expecting the worst.
Soon Remus is released, his new medication seems to be working well. So well, in fact, he gets to go to school a few days each week. He meets a boy named James who almost gives him a bloody heart attack the first time they bump into each other. Also a boy named Peter. He doesn’t like Peter but feels guilty each time he snaps at the poor guy, it takes a while for Remus to soften towards him, but he does. He still visits Sirius every week until he is released.
They don’t start dating until Remus dreams his own death and wakes up in the hospital three days later after a serious relapse, staring up into a pair of puffy, grey eyes. Sirius stares down at him, face blotchy but beaming with a wide grin. “If I wasn’t scared it would accidentally set you off again, Mr Lupin, I would kiss you right now.”
The dreams stop abruptly after that. But Remus’ life goes on. Sometimes, when he looks at his godson, Harry, he has to blink away the image of a lightning shaped scar. Sometimes he looks up at the full moon, and he laughs his own private “fuck you”. Sometimes when he looks at the silver streaks in Sirius’ hair he has to bite his lip to stop himself from crying for the man in his head who would never get to whine about how it “makes me look dashing! I’m not old, I’m experienced”. Sometimes he hugs his son, Teddy, tightly and doesn’t let go for a long time. Especially when the kid dyed his hair blue.
😲 this is just omg.
Remus, you wake up at one in the morning and Tonks isn't asleep. She's probably....
Remus: She’s a sadist.
#omg
Remus Lupin fell asleep on the Quidditch bleachers in their second year. James Potter and Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew woke him up, and they propped him up all the way up the stairs.
Remus Lupin fell asleep in the middle of Charms class. Peter Pettigrew took notes for the both of them all class and woke him up with a shoulder tap and a smile.
Remus Lupin fell asleep on the moving staircase in fifth year, and Lily Evans laughed so loudly she woke him up. He insisted he was just resting his eyes for a minute. They walked back to the common room together, and he threw an arm around her shoulder and they both pretended it wasn’t because he was too weak to walk on his own.
Remus Lupin fell asleep in the common room, late in sixth year, and Sirius Black found him curled up on the couch with his Muggle book open on his chest. Sirius took the blankets off both their beds, because Moony got cold so easily, and dropped them over the other boy. He picked up his book and put it on the coffee table.
Remus Lupin fell asleep in the library, on top of his schoolwork in seventh year, and James, who was quite a bit taller than the other boy at this point, lifted him up and carried him to to their dorm room as gently as possible, grinning at his friend and shaking his head. He put him in his bed and turned off the light, heading outside, now late for the Quidditch practice he was supposed to be coaching.
Remus Lupin falls asleep on the Hogwarts Express, like he always used to do. No one wakes him. No one covers him.
He is woken by the cold rush of his worst memories and a face that looks too familiar and far too young.
Look me in the eyes and tell me that was necessary
everybody always makes the marauders out to be super cool and suave but dude
they had codenames
they named their own friendship group
as far as i can tell only aBSOLUTE DORKLORDS DO THAT
how much do you wanna bet the entirety of hogwarts refused to call them ‘the marauders’ and they got all grumpy abt it
The entire exchange between them all during their 5th year exam also attests to this. 1. He’s sitting in my chair 2. He’s wearing my clothes 3. His names remus Lupin?? That’s not even funny ! but they all laughed. And they’ve known he’s a werewolf for how many years at that point? 3? I can’t get over it lolol it is absolutely dorky.
Sirius and James wore matching Phoenix shirts while riding the motorbike together.
Elvendorks.
In addition (and I will categorically never get over this) sixteen year old James Potter doodling Lily’s initials in a love heart on his DADA OWL exam?
And for god’s sake, they dedicated a significant chunk of their free time to drawing their entire school (and not just any school- Hogwarts, the most convoluted building anywhere ever) and enchanting it to keep track of every single person, not to mention the fucking stairs and the walls that move. This map can see people under the Invisibility Cloak, doesn’t give two shits about Polyjuice Potion.
They were gi-fucking-gantic dorks. You can bet that their dorm room had more advanced textbooks in it than any other in the castle. You can bet that their homework (despite often likely being done a little close to the line) will nine times out of ten be twice as many inches as they were asked for including moving, colour coded diagrams and insanely complex theory on how to improve the effects of said spell or potion, potential applications that literally no-one would have thought of.
Like the very fact that they’re canonically fucking mischief makers of the calibre of Fred and George, the fact that they caused trouble that way is just textbook behaviour for a lot of really really bright kids? They were goddamn geniuses, and they were bloody bored 90% of the time, so they pushed themselves. Acing transfiguration? No problem, let’s become Animagi to help our best mate. Ancient Runes way bellow our skill level? Fine, we’ll use a combination of that, arithmancy and charms to make a map that tracks people all over the castle.
They were absolute nerd kings, and I sodding well love it.
Hello! There's this post going around about a "Kiss Cam at professional Quidditch matches" which focuses on people with the most chemistry and, my contribution, ones who already really like or fancy each other. So I was wondering if you could do a headcanon for Wolfstar based on it? Extra points for them already being friends watching the match together and one of them being ace or demisexual, if it's not a bother? love your writing! <3
Having grown up half-Muggle and never ever allowed to leave the house or make friends ever, getting to spend the summer hols with his mates was a new thing for Remus J Lupin.
And it was exciting.
Especially when James’ parents managed to get tickets for the Quidditch Cup Finals.
Remus didn’t follow the matches or teams exclusively, but he knew that James supported the Prides, and Sirius supported the Kestrals and they were playing each other.
So needless to say, there was tension.
Sirius was clingy, as usual, trying to get Remus’ attention away from James who was begging Remus for Pride support.
And honestly Remus was just pleased to be with his mates.
And secretly pleased that Sirius kept grabbing his hand?
Because wow he had such a crush.
Secretly though because it was no secret at all Sirius wasn’t interested in people.
“I love my jacket, my bike, my boots, and my mates.” It was sort of his Motto™
Merlin only knew where he got his reputation for being a bit of a slag, as both Remus and James knew Sirius hadn’t even had a fancy let alone a snog.
Either way, Remus wasn’t going to tell Sirius no every time he threw his arm round Remus’ shoulders and said into his ear, “Oh my god, Moony, did you see that pass? And look at the Prides? Their seeker is complete shite!”
Remus wouldn’t know a shite seeker from a good one but whatever…
Anyway the match was exciting whether or not you followed Quidditch.
The mascots were brilliant and the food was good.
Then part way through, on a massive, magicked screen, was two floating words.
Kiss Cam
Sirius and James both groaned. “Oh Merlin here we go,” James said.
Remus frowned. “What is that?”
“It’s a magic camera that’s spelled to locate the people in the crowd who fancy each other. You know, with the most chemistry. Then it freezes you like mistletoe until you kiss.”
Remus blushed, but knew he was lucky because who would fancy him?
Except after three couples, one of whom were two blokes and one got punched for it….it stopped.
Over them
Over him.
And Sirius
Oh god, he was going to die.
Immediately.
Like keel over.
There’s a tunnel with the light at the end of it and he was walking straight for it.
“Moons,” came Sirius’ quiet voice.
James was howling with laughter and the entire Stadium was chanting, “Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss!”
Remus was absolutely Dying™
Then there were hands on his face and Sirius looked really apologetic. “Sorry Moons.”
Then lips were on his. Dry and firm, and god Remus made The Most Embarrassing Noise Ever™
It was over too fast, and Sirius was letting him go and Remus was falling back in his seat looking like he’d been hit by a bludger.
James looked between Sirius and Remus and announced, “I’m going for butterbeers.” He gave Sirius a very pointed look.
After some incredibly awkward silence, Sirius flopped his arms to the sides. “I’m sorry. I…I mean it’s supposed to happen when both people fancy each other. I probably just fancied you too much and I…”
“What?” Remus’ eyes were snapping up because what? “You fancy me?”
Sirius was blushing hard. “Well erm…it’s just that you’re so cute. You’ve got this adorable big nose and these dimples and your hair and your freckles and I just…” Sirius’ head bowed forward. “You’re my Moony, how can I not. I’m so…I just…hope this doesn’t change anything.”
That’s all he could say, because then Remus is on him, holding his lil cheeks, kissing his lil mouth. “Padfoot, you stupid berk,” he mutters right up against Sirius’ mouth, “I’ve fancied you for ages. I never thought you’d like me back.”
Sirius now looks like the one the bludger hit, but only for a second because then he’s got Remus by the ends of his scarf and he’s pulling him in tight for more kissing.
They’re pointedly ignoring the wolf whistles near by.
And James’ laughter when he returns with only one butterbeer because he’s such an arse.
Not that Remus minded.
He’s got much better things to do with his mouth now than drink.
Severus: W-where the hell am I?
The Nightmare…
WARNING: GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING IMAGERY.
*inaudible whispering echoes through the darkness*
Severus: Who’s there?
Snape: It is you…. Potter……
James: Snivellus…… Snivellus…. SnivellusSnivellusSnivellusSnivellus-
Snape: *Snarls* Shut up.
James: *appears behind him*
James: *vanishes and reappears at his side*
Snape: *screams and lashes out*
James: *vanishes*
Lily: *whispers* Severus….
Snape: Oh my god…. Lily…. what-what happened? Why are you-
Severus: Stop…. Stop… Stop!!! *screams* PLEASE STOP!!!
James: Snivellus… You’ve killed her Snivellus… You’ve killed her… She’s dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead dead DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD-
Severus: *screams and lashes out at James*
*hands reach out from the darkness*
James: You’ve killed her-
Lily: *reaches out to Snape*
Severus: *gasps* *feels her hand gently brush against his face*
Severus: Lily…? *turns to look at her*
You’re not…. WH-WHAT ARE YOU!?
DON’T TOUCH ME!!!
*muffled screaming*
tag yourself i’m the plot rat
(all art belongs to viria13 - she’s amazing!)
Friends, gather round
I am going to share with you a story
of Remus Lupin, Professional Beard
It started when he was in uni and Marlene McKinnon was crying because she didn’t want to go home for Christmas and be interrogated about why she didn’t have a boyfriend
(spoiler: it’s because she is Very Very Gay)
Remus is a very sympathetic and attentive listener
Not to mention helpful
and maybe a little hard up for cash
so he just blurts out, “I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend for fifty quid and I’ll go home with you for Christmas and meet your parents and you have to feed me while I’m there.”
she stares at him for a solid ten seconds before bursting into tears again and hugging him
it’s a good thing they’re already best mates because there a hundred and one pictures of them together on each of their phones and various online places that they can use as evidence
“no mum he really is my boyfriend look at this picture where his lips are on my cheek”
remus nods seriously
“this was right before we started making out”
“his tongue was practically down my throat we’re seriously dating”
when they get back to school, Marlene pays him almost double what she promised because her parents are officially off her back and she is now free to go smooch cute girls whenever she wants to
(as an added perk, when she informs her parents a few months later that she and remus have had a very messy and painful break up, she’s able to use that excuse for years until she finally gets fed up and deliberately gets caught snogging her girlfriend of three years in her parents’ kitchen)
but anyways Remus is pleased with the money and Marls was very impressed by his acting abilities, so when her roommate Lily gripes that Potter the High King Arsehole keeps insisting that she’s single because she’s secretly waiting for him, Marlene recommends Remus
The fake relationship lasts longer, almost three months
Remus gets paid on a weekly basis
It’s lovely, Lily is a lovely person and they get along splendidly
Actually, it’s not just Potter that they manage to convince that they’re dating
eventually he gives up though, so Remus and Lily fake a mutual breakup
(it is an unending source of amusement for Remus that she ends up marrying James a few years later after all, and he never lets her hear the end of it)
but actually it’s a good thing that they did have that arrangement
because Lily was so impressed that she suggested he do this sort of thing more regularly
she sets him up a website, prints out business cards, works with him to figure out various rates for different services
date to a party, staged kissing/cuddling/hugging photos to show off to friends and family, going home on weekends or breaks to show off in person
He literally makes so much money that he only has to work part time after graduation
It makes having a relationship of his own a little difficult, but he survives and he has a ton of really close friends
then one day Lily, now his sort-of manager, says she has a special job
“family discount, you remember James’ friend Sirius? It’s for his cousin”
of course Remus remembers Sirius
Sirius Black is unforgettable and Remus hasn’t so much carried a torch for him as his has miserably dragged it around behind him
for years
thank God the man travels a lot
he met him in passing a few times in college
and then of course at the wedding
he showed up in a blindingly yellow coat to match Lily’s bridesmaids’ dresses (and Remus’ tie, but that was unintentional and all the groomsmen had yellow ties anyways so it wasn’t like Sirius matched him on purpose even if it did make his stomach squirm a little bit)
(just a bit)
but anyways, Nymphadora Tonks is really tired of her mother’s less than subtle hints that she needs to settle down, so she needs to give the appearance, for two weeks at least, that that is exactly what she’s doing
really she’s just aro as fuck and could care less but she knows her parents won’t understand
luckily, her second cousin’s best mate’s wife’s best mate exists and sirius said he’d foot half the bill
after all, he’ll be there for the two weeks, too
Remus is not informed
at least not until he’s in the car on the way there, working out a backstory with Nymphadora (”shut your fucking mouth, you call me Tonks or I’ll shove you out the window”)
and she says that they met through Sirius, James, and Lily
“Sirius knows, by the way, so don’t worry about him giving us away”
and???
what????
Sirius cannot give away anything because isn’t he in Vietnam right now connecting with his roots????????????
WHAT DO YOU MEAN SIRIUS IS BACK TO VISIT YOUR MOTHER FOR CHRISTMAS
he has never bailed on a client before though so even if the thought of seeing Sirius every day for two weeks terrifies him he will stay
at least until Tonks just casually mentions that the two of them will be sharing the guestroom
“because mum has some misguided notion that you and i will shag if left alone for two minutes”
remus has never jumped out of a moving vehicle before but he is seriously considering it now
too late though they’ve pulled up to the house
and there is a disgustingly familiar bike in the driveway
this is the end of life as he knows it
but he is a professional so he will handle this gracefully
and professionally
and not blushing and stammering every time sirius fucking black walks in the room
or smiles
or looks at him
or walks in the room, looks around, sees Remus, and THEN smiles because he is just reading too much into this he absolutely is oh fuck no
he sneaks into Tonks’ room at night to moan loudly and bang her bed against the wall for her parent’s benefit
(their rooms are at opposite ends of the house so he’s not actually sure they can hear them pretending to have sex, but it gives him an opportunity to talk to her without being overheard)
and generally what they talk about is “your cousin is really fucking hot and i died three separate times today”
“tonks he handed me a plate and our fingers didn’t touch but they almost did and I nearly cried”
“he pretended to have rabies while brushing his teeth and then started laughing so hard at himself that he choked and I had to pound on his back until he spat the toothpaste back up it was the most precious thing i’ve ever seen in my life”
“do you even know how perfect his abs are they’re really perfect and I sort of want to lick them”
Tonks just nods and pats his head comfortingly while she gets ready for bed
two weeks go by and remus has nearly gone insane
he was tempted several times to call lily and ask her to fake an emergency for him so he could leave early
but also he really likes tonks and wants to help
and he maybe wants to spend some more time with Sirius
it’s Christmas, after all
maybe he’s a little desperately praying for someone to leave mistletoe around
maybe the thought of mistletoe being left around makes him throw up a little bit in his mouth
he’s a complex person
well fortunately for him no mistletoe was left carelessly hanging in strategic points throughout the house
unfortunately for him, Nymphadora Tonks has magician’s fingers
which is why he doesn’t even notice her tucking a sprig of mistletoe behind his left ear
he definitely does notice when Sirius pulls it out
raises his eyebrows
and kisses him
it’s just a little peck but remus is actually dead this time, no exaggeration, 100% no longer alive
he has transcended this plane of existence
he has become a being of light
he has seen heaven
he has been standing there for three and a half minutes saying and doing absolutely nothing until Tonks grabs his hands and drags him away
and says that she will come out to her parents once and for all if he’ll go back out there and tell Sirius how he feels
“by which i mean I’m coming out to my parents anyways because this was fun but way too much effort, but they’re gonna freak out so you need to distract them by making out with my mum’s cousin, capisce?”
well
it is for Tonks
and Remus is a very selfless person
he doesn’t want her family to be upset with her
thirty minutes later he and Sirius have hardly stopped making out and the Tonkses are all chatting happily about romantic and sexual orientations
Sirius decides that he’s connected with his roots enough and would like to examine the rest of the plant
tree or a bush
maybe flowers
he doesn’t fucking know Remus just did something with his tongue and he sort of lost the metaphor
but anyways it boils down to he’s gonna stick around for a while so he can date Remus and kiss him and hold his hand
punk rock shit like that
he’s gotta thank Tonks later
Friends, gather round
I am going to share with you a story
of Remus Lupin, Professional Beard
It started when he was in uni and Marlene McKinnon was crying because she didn’t want to go home for Christmas and be interrogated about why she didn’t have a boyfriend
(spoiler: it’s because she is Very Very Gay)
Remus is a very sympathetic and attentive listener
Not to mention helpful
and maybe a little hard up for cash
so he just blurts out, “I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend for fifty quid and I’ll go home with you for Christmas and meet your parents and you have to feed me while I’m there.”
she stares at him for a solid ten seconds before bursting into tears again and hugging him
it’s a good thing they’re already best mates because there a hundred and one pictures of them together on each of their phones and various online places that they can use as evidence
“no mum he really is my boyfriend look at this picture where his lips are on my cheek”
remus nods seriously
“this was right before we started making out”
“his tongue was practically down my throat we’re seriously dating”
when they get back to school, Marlene pays him almost double what she promised because her parents are officially off her back and she is now free to go smooch cute girls whenever she wants to
(as an added perk, when she informs her parents a few months later that she and remus have had a very messy and painful break up, she’s able to use that excuse for years until she finally gets fed up and deliberately gets caught snogging her girlfriend of three years in her parents’ kitchen)
but anyways Remus is pleased with the money and Marls was very impressed by his acting abilities, so when her roommate Lily gripes that Potter the High King Arsehole keeps insisting that she’s single because she’s secretly waiting for him, Marlene recommends Remus
The fake relationship lasts longer, almost three months
Remus gets paid on a weekly basis
It’s lovely, Lily is a lovely person and they get along splendidly
Actually, it’s not just Potter that they manage to convince that they’re dating
eventually he gives up though, so Remus and Lily fake a mutual breakup
(it is an unending source of amusement for Remus that she ends up marrying James a few years later after all, and he never lets her hear the end of it)
but actually it’s a good thing that they did have that arrangement
because Lily was so impressed that she suggested he do this sort of thing more regularly
she sets him up a website, prints out business cards, works with him to figure out various rates for different services
date to a party, staged kissing/cuddling/hugging photos to show off to friends and family, going home on weekends or breaks to show off in person
He literally makes so much money that he only has to work part time after graduation
It makes having a relationship of his own a little difficult, but he survives and he has a ton of really close friends
then one day Lily, now his sort-of manager, says she has a special job
“family discount, you remember James’ friend Sirius? It’s for his cousin”
of course Remus remembers Sirius
Sirius Black is unforgettable and Remus hasn’t so much carried a torch for him as his has miserably dragged it around behind him
for years
thank God the man travels a lot
he met him in passing a few times in college
and then of course at the wedding
he showed up in a blindingly yellow coat to match Lily’s bridesmaids’ dresses (and Remus’ tie, but that was unintentional and all the groomsmen had yellow ties anyways so it wasn’t like Sirius matched him on purpose even if it did make his stomach squirm a little bit)
(just a bit)
but anyways, Nymphadora Tonks is really tired of her mother’s less than subtle hints that she needs to settle down, so she needs to give the appearance, for two weeks at least, that that is exactly what she’s doing
really she’s just aro as fuck and could care less but she knows her parents won’t understand
luckily, her second cousin’s best mate’s wife’s best mate exists and sirius said he’d foot half the bill
after all, he’ll be there for the two weeks, too
Remus is not informed
at least not until he’s in the car on the way there, working out a backstory with Nymphadora (”shut your fucking mouth, you call me Tonks or I’ll shove you out the window”)
and she says that they met through Sirius, James, and Lily
“Sirius knows, by the way, so don’t worry about him giving us away”
and???
what????
Sirius cannot give away anything because isn’t he in Vietnam right now connecting with his roots????????????
WHAT DO YOU MEAN SIRIUS IS BACK TO VISIT YOUR MOTHER FOR CHRISTMAS
he has never bailed on a client before though so even if the thought of seeing Sirius every day for two weeks terrifies him he will stay
at least until Tonks just casually mentions that the two of them will be sharing the guestroom
“because mum has some misguided notion that you and i will shag if left alone for two minutes”
remus has never jumped out of a moving vehicle before but he is seriously considering it now
too late though they’ve pulled up to the house
and there is a disgustingly familiar bike in the driveway
this is the end of life as he knows it
but he is a professional so he will handle this gracefully
and professionally
and not blushing and stammering every time sirius fucking black walks in the room
or smiles
or looks at him
or walks in the room, looks around, sees Remus, and THEN smiles because he is just reading too much into this he absolutely is oh fuck no
he sneaks into Tonks’ room at night to moan loudly and bang her bed against the wall for her parent’s benefit
(their rooms are at opposite ends of the house so he’s not actually sure they can hear them pretending to have sex, but it gives him an opportunity to talk to her without being overheard)
and generally what they talk about is “your cousin is really fucking hot and i died three separate times today”
“tonks he handed me a plate and our fingers didn’t touch but they almost did and I nearly cried”
“he pretended to have rabies while brushing his teeth and then started laughing so hard at himself that he choked and I had to pound on his back until he spat the toothpaste back up it was the most precious thing i’ve ever seen in my life”
“do you even know how perfect his abs are they’re really perfect and I sort of want to lick them”
Tonks just nods and pats his head comfortingly while she gets ready for bed
two weeks go by and remus has nearly gone insane
he was tempted several times to call lily and ask her to fake an emergency for him so he could leave early
but also he really likes tonks and wants to help
and he maybe wants to spend some more time with Sirius
it’s Christmas, after all
maybe he’s a little desperately praying for someone to leave mistletoe around
maybe the thought of mistletoe being left around makes him throw up a little bit in his mouth
he’s a complex person
well fortunately for him no mistletoe was left carelessly hanging in strategic points throughout the house
unfortunately for him, Nymphadora Tonks has magician’s fingers
which is why he doesn’t even notice her tucking a sprig of mistletoe behind his left ear
he definitely does notice when Sirius pulls it out
raises his eyebrows
and kisses him
it’s just a little peck but remus is actually dead this time, no exaggeration, 100% no longer alive
he has transcended this plane of existence
he has become a being of light
he has seen heaven
he has been standing there for three and a half minutes saying and doing absolutely nothing until Tonks grabs his hands and drags him away
and says that she will come out to her parents once and for all if he’ll go back out there and tell Sirius how he feels
“by which i mean I’m coming out to my parents anyways because this was fun but way too much effort, but they’re gonna freak out so you need to distract them by making out with my mum’s cousin, capisce?”
well
it is for Tonks
and Remus is a very selfless person
he doesn’t want her family to be upset with her
thirty minutes later he and Sirius have hardly stopped making out and the Tonkses are all chatting happily about romantic and sexual orientations
Sirius decides that he’s connected with his roots enough and would like to examine the rest of the plant
tree or a bush
maybe flowers
he doesn’t fucking know Remus just did something with his tongue and he sort of lost the metaphor
but anyways it boils down to he’s gonna stick around for a while so he can date Remus and kiss him and hold his hand
punk rock shit like that
he’s gotta thank Tonks later
Suddenly
Imagine an AU where Remus goes into hiding amongst the Muggles in Wales after two of his friends are murdered by his fiancé and becomes the owner of a pub where he plays piano every Saturday night. Everything works out for twelve years until one stormy night a traveler wanders in and asks for him by name. His voice catches in his throat as he looks Sirius Black dead in his eyes and lies.
“You’re mistaken. My name is John Howell.”
Sirius would catch his hand in his before he could walk away and Remus would try to ignore that his heart is beating rapidly against his chest, not in fear, but because Sirius’s hands are as soothing and gentle as they had been during long nights in bed with hair strewn across pillows and moans echoing quietly off the walls.
“Well, John, my name is Orion White, and I would like to buy you a drink and talk about how we’ve been running away from who we used to be.”
