April

do you have answers to the questions that keep me up at night?

[april-diariees]

I love you.

When you love someone, Everything they do becomes so endearing. It's so hard explain, How the normal everyday things become magical.

They can be doing the most embarassing, And messy dance steps, Or laughing in that loud quirky way, It doesn't make you cringe or look away.

Surprisingly all you want is To capture every second of that moment in your mind, And without even realising it, You have the biggest smile on your face.

I love you I love you I love you And everything that you do, I want to laugh beside you and cry when you do I hope there never comes a time, Where I have to consider living without you.

[april-diariees]

her ghost still lingers...

one text from you and two years down the drain it's been so long and your like on my story only reminds me how it was never a choice that if only you wanted to stay i would never have walked away

one text from you and I come limping back waiting for you to reply just like i did back then how am i not used to the disappointment yet why don't you just let me be

one text from you and I'm wondering can we ever be the same again? but this time I'll make sure- make sure to not fall for you make sure to not ruin things

one text from you and i forget why I left how hard it was and how much I cried you act so casual but i was never the same again

one text from you and i am reminded how I don't care that you're with someone else I'd settle with just being you friend

one text from you and i know I'll go crawling back beg you to let me stay i won't ask for anything just tell me how was your day and all the things that made you smile just let me hear you, say my name

one text from you and once again im wondering will i ever, ever really get over you?

[april-diariees]

i wanna go home i wanna go home that's all I can think about and that's all i kept saying i had to shut myself up cause i already said that two minutes ago, twice at the house at the school with my parents with my friends when I'm studying when I'm scrolling home home home home i kept looking for this home when will I find this home I keep longing for and then, I realised when I'm with you my mind quiets up don't I wanna go home anymore? oh wait no, it's making sense now, my home, has always been with me, i just can't see her that often, but when I'm with her, I am home.

[april-diariees]

what if the demon's eyes are red because he was crying?

[april-diariees]

cages

I've never begged anyone to stay to not leave me, to love me but everyday to god i pray on my knees i say to him please never take him away

i hate being perceived i hate taking my armour off but i stand there bare in flesh giving a gun in your hand

I'd rather bleed away the life in me than bandage my wounds with my fractured hands do you hate this, love? do i feel like a ball and chain?

does my laugh sound to you like the clinking of handcuffs? does my touch feel to you like cigrette butts on ashtray?

would you rather not know where i am? and do you sometimes wish I'd just go away? i wish i could set you free, my love but cages are made to trap.

[april-diariees]

meri diwar par, vo khali jagah, kuch na hone ke bavajood vaha baar baar dekhti rehti hu shayad aadat si ho gayi thi? maine vaha tumhari photo lagayi thi per tumhari yaad na aaye isliye- diwar per ab vo jagah khali hai aur fir bhi, jabhi vaha dekhti hu tum mere khayalo tak aapna rasta dhoondh hi leti ho diwar per abh tumahari photo to nahi hai per shayad... fir bhi hai na?

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Rudy Francisco

[april-diariees]

"Isn't it funny. I'm enjoying my hatred so much more than i ever enjoyed love. Love is temperamental. Tiring. It makes demands. Love uses you, changes its mind. But hatred, now, that's something you can use. Sculpt. Wield. It's hard, or soft, however you need it. Love humiliates you, but Hatred cradles you."

- Janet Fitch, White Oleander

[april-diariees]

circles

I'm running in circles I'm running out of excuses my head hurts and my legs won't work

I'm lookin in the mirror I'm lookin at a mess what have I made of myself i don't remember being born this way

I've started hating holidays I've started hating myself everything was so effortless i never doubted myself

when did I last shower? when did I last stopped cryin? things really don't need to be this bad am i just overbearing

i drink one cup of coffee and i drink one more i haven't slept for days my hands never shaked this way before

I've lost a sense of hope I've lost my spark i look around, i read the news was everything always so sickening?

I tell myself you're fine I tell myself you're pathetic you're trying your best dear but are you, really..?

[april-diariees]

its not just music to me

"It's just music why are you so obsessed?" well how can I not be, when it has saved me more times, when none did.

Music guides me through the harsh currents of anger, like a stream gushing towards the ocean.

And keeps me afloat when I'm drowning; It keeps me grounded when I feel like I'm flying.

It wraps its arms around me when I feel unworthy; and drifts me to sleep on nights when I'm shaking.

Music caters me, and nurtures me like no other; it spreads its embrace, says you're welcome here.

Keep your worries aside, and rest for a minute. Dance to this rhythm, as the world is infinite.

[april-diariees]

samiee, why wont you leave my head?

your smile.. so pure, so enchanting, and the sound of your voice, makes my heart giddy somehow. That twinkle in your eyes, and the way you see life, I'd go to wars, just to see you one more time.

I love to hear you talk, when you tell me all the things you like, and whatevers going on in your life. and when you hug me, all the heavens seem to collide, i crave that feeling every night. oh, and when you call me cute, idk how im still alive.

The way you care, for everyone around you, the term angel was invented, just to describe you. you look so beautiful, i could never put to words, the joy i feel, being beside you.

I hate to see you sick, even more when you cry, I wish I could shield you from everyone, who dares mess with your smile. I'd sit there holding your hand, looking at you while you shine so bright, don't wanna sound selfish, but i really want you... to be all mine.

[april-diariees]

I think something I've been trying to come on terms with is that a lot of times in life you'll have to settle for something. You can't study everything at the same time and you can't do 15 different jobs, you can't have all the flavours of snow cones at once and not all you hobbies can be your profession.

You can't keep everyone you want close and you can't always be at all the parties, you have to settle and you have to pick, make a choice and stand by it.

[april-diariees]

The melancholic feeling behind every "oh I used to love doing that, but I never do it anymore" is where we all grew up.

[april-diariees]

is this something you'd want?

I feel like a clown in a circus doing it's best to be charming; my life's an enormous stage I perform there every single day.

I watch people enter and take their seats and I watch them leave as soon as I slip up; a little more make up maybe or a thinner waist would've made you stay.

new costumes or new wigs softer laughs and gentle voice, is that what you want me to make? what more should I do to make you stay?

I'm juggling and jumping, I'm out of breath I'm trying not to beg, but I want you to stay; my cheeks hurt from the smile I've put on is this still not something you'd want to want?

[april-diariees]

sometimes the moon is all i have...

The moon talks back He does i swear, I'm not crazy You just have to be aware.

He tells me it's gonna be okay And it's okay to be sleazy, He looks at me and smiles He says take it easy.

I think he loves me Like I love him, He shines really hard When I feel dim.

And when he's waning He promises he's fine, He says he'll be back And bids me goodbye.

He always keeps his word And comes back to greet me, He told me you can take time if you need But you'll need to get back up eventually.

He says I'm not a terrible person Sometimes he rambles cheekily, Oh how I love all those nights Where we're laughing freely.

He looks over me Like a guiding light, And cradles me When I am not as bright.

[april-diariees]

scrapbook;

I'm just a scrapbook, bits and pieces torn out and pasted, nothing is original yet unique like no other, Arranging and sorting, designing and defining, layers over another, some pieces ripped out that were glued onto before, trying to be an eye candy, can't help but be messy at places; wavy edges and dimmed out pictures, nothing is written in the same font twice, some scribblings that I'm trying to hide, please don't judge it just yet it's a work in progress, oh but in the end; I'm just a scrapbook of everything I've ever loved and yearned for.

[april-diariees]

Is this what I want?

opening and closing apps something, I just need that something keeping and picking it back up where did I put my phone again?

turned of my laptop just to turn it on once more what did I wanted to do, again? opened and closed the fridge I'm not really hungry or am I?

reached my bag to put it aside, ehh I'll just do it later, opened the book and shut it right away, fuck it anything but studying rn.

wore my jacket and put on my shoes, opened the door and slammed it shut, I'd rather take nap then a walk, who really needs to see people.

I never know what I'm doing or what i really want, just trying escape form anything or everything that's going on.

when will I stop running away I wanna stop feeling this way, all these efforts futile i wish I didn't suck at everything I try.