Trigger Warning For Girls
Mr. Nonchalant 1 ( Part 6: A Hobby, Nothing More...)
I never spoke of our break up, to anyone..well, except one person, but I never shared all the details- typical, of me...I never really open up to anyone. I try to, but it's only because it mostly turns futile. You would know, you betrayed me every chance you got a piece of information out of me.
I didn't mind the break up to be honest, quite frankly, it was fun toying with you while we argued, — you know, because you had so many reasons for wanting me to want you. It was fun, because hearing you gaslight me felt, well, it was pathetic- I felt sorry for you. I knew you were insecure, I just didn't think the well run as deep. What hurt me, was watching my intuition come to life. I was really sorry, I saw you like that. I wished I could go back in time and never given you any time and attention, maybe it would have been easy on you.
Once we had our argument and chose to "break up" ( it wasn't official anyways), I felt deeply. Okay, who am I kidding? I was mostly disappointed, but it did add on to my pile of grief - life, the Mexican Marigold, etc..So, I mourned the past life. I had this pulling urge to write a whole pdf folder, collections, etc., kinda like the pull in I felt when I looked into your beautiful doe eyes, the tag on toxicity, your darkness, reeling me in, so sensually, calling out to me, for understanding, simultaneously whispering and saying, " Stay.." that one time when you showed up and sadly, I was kind enough to give you a platform to express your life's woes, of course, another excuse for intermittently ghosting me...
You didn't deserve me— that's what I always thought. And in that moment it was crystal...Sadly, as usual, I gave you grace...I mean, talk about a big heart, and clouded thought process on what to do with you!
I didn't write or type anything, I just grieved, and just, moved forward. It wasn't the time to. Given you pushed everything we had into dissolution, redacted the meaning from it all and you...I figured, you were never worth the while. I wanted to document our journey, explain why I did the things I did, why I never opened up to you- at least not significantly, anyways, why I never let you close...but I figured, what's the point? Why would I waste my time on someone with no backbone!? You don't even know who you are,...you don't like yourself...as usual, you're gonna use it to boost your ego and share it with whoever gives you any attention or sense of importance..You don't RESPECT or VALUE intimacy or privacy...Like I said, you weren't worthwhile. I should know— I already bet on you before. Of course, you gave me the biggest let down. I gave you the benefit of the doubt, when you didn't deserve it. Hell, you even let me down when I didn't count on you!! So, I didn't write it.
After all we had been through, I saw you as a waste of my creative energy.Already, I felt I did charity work just by blessing and protecting you...now imagine, looking back and understanding, that even I– who finds inspiration from the appearance of a needle resting on a table, or a used toothpick shamelessly left on the dining table, uncovered, just naked and used– looked back and felt nothing.
For someone who believed our journey started before we met, orchestrated by the Divine, officially started when we met...
Even now, as I write these pieces, I don't feel anything...Just muscle memory, maybe– a habit of looking for meaning in things that never had any. Well, I suppose that's fitting.
