TLDR: We got misdiagnosed with tons of shit because we were being abused by our old psych and got diagnosed with those things at sixteen! Crazy!
So, upon being an adult and getting into real and serious and GOOD psychiatric help, we got our diagnosis list checked over again.
As it turns out, NPD + ASPD Traits were both misdiagnosed for us!! We don't have those at all actually and it's been a very scary process figuring these things out, it was our whole view since age sixteen. We themed a whole account based on these things and advocating for it. And it was wrong? That's terrifying.
We, over the past few months, have been in and out of crisis and intensive mental health treatment and monitoring. With an entirely new team of people helping us, and being dropped by an old therapist too.
In this time, we got diagnosed with DID again which I'm thankful for. Alongside OCD, which was a total life saver, it explains so much about how our head works. We also developed very severe visual hallucinations and experience strong paranoid delusions, mostly tied to the obsessions - but the visual disturbances are constant and we don't know what is causing them yet. Terrifying.
And we got diagnosed with AvPD and DPD, with possible BPD traits - we aren't completely sure about that yet despite the past diagnosis. With this process, we discovered NPD and the ASPD traits were misdiagnosed.
Our old psychiatrist diagnosed NPD based on a few key points, I still have her notes on this as well - and apparently she was completely wrong about it.
When I was only sixteen or seventeen, I had explained to her that I felt as if I was "better than" my abusers. Like I was somewhat of a better person since I'd never do what they'd done, and I marked that thought as something I valued in myself. She noted this mindset down as viewing myself as above others and being better than other people, showing a grandiose sense of self. Which can technically be a takeaway from that, except I never viewed myself in those ways towards anyone other than my rapists and stalkers. Really, this was a teenager who was walking the line of self hate grasping straws and going "at least I'll never do that." (Quoted from my new psychiatrist.)
I had said that I dont feel like i deserve to be treated the way those people were treating me, it was wrong and that I didn't deserve to be hurt anymore. She called those words more evidence of that grandiose sense of self and importance, too.
She took my lack of self esteem, zero self confidence, and horrible depressive self hate spirals to be NPD as well. She had told me that each time I entered crisis, it was manipulation to receive the missing boosts. Simply seeking validation and attention, looking for supply. She applied the same logic to my severe social anxiety and apprehension towards meeting people, the way I tried to create a version of myself that was sure to be liked - she called that the exact same thing.
The way I struggle to feel worth any value if my art and creative projects aren't liked by at least one person, the way I see all of my worth as a person as simply what I'm able to create, the way I don't feel like enough in my friendships or relationships unless I can give gifts and those gifts can be liked - she defined that as the same thing too.
I was a child. Yes, that does boil down into seeking approval for my art, however it doesn't stem from what she had said it does. And also yknow.. again, I was sixteen?? And was being actively abused and traumatized??? Girl.
With my new team, it's been redefined.
According to my new psychiatrist, I directly hit every single mark for AvPD and DPD, and the "ASPD Traits" were just having low empathy due to my autism.
I've been doing my own research as well, and from the appointments and the reading, yeah man I really fucking do hit every single mark for those two disorders. It's so weird and very surreal having so many things just click into place like that, and treatment has felt great. Wonderful, even. I'm thankful for the entire journey I've been on, even though the change is absolutely horrifying to talk about.
And there's apparently a huge reason reading about NPD always made me feel wrong and awful, which I've posted about before, it's because I never had it.
I will still ALWAYS advocate and love NPDers and ASPDers, some of my VERY best friends have those disorders and they're lovely.
So, yeah. Our new diagnosis list is definitely very different and hard to explain. Idk, it's literally 3AM and I'm running on monster energy and a bagel rn.
Feel free to ask questions!! We'll answer what we can lmao 🩵
