The Blog

I am a 17 year old Middle Eastern kid that likes blogging. My brain is a mess. I find it hard to keep up with my thoughts sometimes.

[falasteezy]

[arabfromouterspace]

I Love Too Easily

One of my biggest struggles is that I love too easily and I fear getting hurt the most. This stops me from doing a lot of things. When I feel like I am getting in too deep with anything I back away lest it hurts me. I always run. I run away from every. Feelings. Thoughts. Sadness. 

[alichaaban]

[kittiezandtittiez]

[falasteezy]

Why would do transgender individuals identify as transgender? Why does there need to be that label of transgender? Doesn’t labeling oneself as <i> transgender </i> give a connotation of transgender individuals being less of men or women? It separates them from the “real”…

[falasteezy]

I really appreciate your reply. Things make more sense now. I was simply confused about the labeling, but I did not realize that I had forgotten that we live in a heteronormative and transphobic world. Now that I think about it, the only reason I had that question in my mind: why would trans folx want to identify as trans if it takes away from the legitimacy of their gender (which it doesn’t), was because I had forgotten that the world trans has a social construct surrounding it that implies that it is “lesser than”. 

I really like the analogy you made to “short” being a descriptor. I think it makes me better see the real meaning of ‘trans’. 

Once again, thank you for your reply. 

[arabfromouterspace]

Just Some Thoughts

I wanted to write up this text post today because I just came out of my Arab History class and I have a few thoughts. I know that if I do not type these thoughts out, they will soon be forgotten. 

Firstly, it is very interesting to me that the Israeli "Defense" Forces started out as terrorist organizations: Lehi, Irgun, and Haganah. Does that make the IDF a terrorist organization? It's especially ironic that Israel today claims to always be fighting terrorism, when the very foundation for its creation was terrorism. The terrorism of these three groups against the British and Palestinians in Palestine set a precedent for violence in the Middle East. An interesting question to ask ourselves is if Israel's terrorism had not succeeded in creating a state, would anyone still resort to terrorism today? That is not to say that Israel is not a terrorist state today. It is still very guilty of state terrorism. All I am saying is that these Jewish terrorist groups may have set the status quo for violence in the Middle East, such as the bombing of the King David Hotel.

Secondly, I also found it disgusting that the founder of the terrorist group Lehi, Avraham Stern, tried to collaborate with Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy to eradicate the British in Palestine and allow unlimited migration of Jews to Palestine. I can't believe that one would try to reach an agreement with a power that was responsible for the brutal ethnic cleansing of one's own people. I think the phrase "brutal ethnic cleansing" does not even do justice to the atrocities committed by Nazi Germany against the Jews, and it is horrifying to think that a Jew would try and collaborate with them. This incident in history also got be thinking about the time Omar Barghouti was accused of antisemitism for claiming that their were Jews in every main position of power in Nazi Germany. Barghouti's response was to a question that asked how Israel could be an apartheid state if there were Arab Israelis in the Knesset (they are a minority). Barghouti's ill-worded response wanted to show other examples where people were complicit in their own people's oppression. Tokenizing a few people in positions of power of a racist and oppressive regime does not mean shit. It certainly does not detract from the racist nature of a regime like Israel. However, I do think that Barghouti could have said what he said in another way. While there were Jews collaborating with Nazi Germany or even in positions of power in Nazi Germany, there weren't Jews in every position of power in Nazi Germany. That statement is simply factually incorrect and very general. 

Thirdly, it's funny that Israel has a day of "Independence". Independence from whom? In order for independence to take place, an indigenous people must be freed from an occupier or a colonizer. Israelis were never occupied, they only colonized. 

I think that is all that I had on my mind. I feel like I am missing something, so if it does come to me, I will update this post. 

[arabfromouterspace]

I am so annoyed. I hate my birthday. It makes me realize how I love and care for some of my friends more than they ever cared for me. It's funny to me that I have so many "friends", but I am sitting alone in my room at 12:42 AM feeling sorry for myself. It's sad too because in our "group", everyone got some attention and love except me. Mostly everyone had a surprise thrown for them or had some sort of celebration. I bet you the people that I usually call to wish a happy birthday are not even going to wish me a happpy birthday. I just want a surprise one year. Just one. 

[arabfromouterspace]

Quickie

This is going to be a quick ass blog post, and as usual I will type the words as they jump into my brain. 

I am now finally a Resident Assistant. It's amazing to see how far I have come since my freshman year. It's amazing to think that mentally unstable and suicidal me is now an RA that is hopefully going to be a resource to other students who may go through what I went through. 

I guess life is good right now. It is at a slow and comfortable pace, but I know that it is going to pick up very fast sooner or later. To be honest, I am very afraid of what this year holds in terms of commitments and work. I have way too much on my plate as usual. I am pretty sure I am going to drop as the social chair of the fraternity I am because honestly, ain't nobody got time for that. I have my grades, the MCAT, my job, and all the extracurricular activities I am in to worry about. Anyway, deuces. I should start a novel soon or something. I basically need to refine my vocabulary and my writing skills. I wish I knew how to write poetry.  

[arabfromouterspace]

Guilty Muslim Atheist

I don't believe in god. I just don't. It's very hard for me to believe in god for multiple reasons, but that is besides the point. 

Deep down, I know I am comfortable being an atheist. I felt happier when I finally came to the conclusion that I do not believe in god, after years of questioning. However, for some strange reason, I feel particularly annoyed right now. I live in an apartment with 8 guys, and most of them are fasting. Since I was born Muslim, they all expect me to fast. They don't know I am an atheist, but I tried alluding to it many times. 

I feel like I have been so conditioned ever since I was born to believe in god that not believing in him right now makes me feel extremely guilty. I also know that I will become ostracized and isolated from a big portion of my friends and community if they found out that I was atheist. What if I am wrong? What if He does actually exist? Am I going to hell? I am just so confused and I wish I had answers. I hate blind faith though. 

I keep contradicting myself. It's sort of like there is an internal argument within me that has intensified with the start of Ramadan.

Am I completely alone, or is there anyone who feels the way that I do?

[arabfromouterspace]

Can't tell if I got sick because I was depressed or I got depressed because I was sick. 

[arabfromouterspace]

Basically I have no purpose in life. There is nothing I am good at or love doing. I am very below average in everything. People don't really care about me. I always feel like I am constantly an annoyance to everything and everyone.

[arabfromouterspace]

I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I am very afraid that I am going back to the depression days I experienced during freshman year. I know it's all in my head, but I really can't help the way I am feeling or thinking right now. I just hate everything. I hate life. I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like there's no purpose to it. What the hell are we doing here? Why don't we just all kill ourselves if we can save ourselves from having to witness every bad, disgusting, evil, and downright shitty with the world. The world is a shitty one. Slavery, poverty, prostitution, murders, rape, sexism, racism, and occupation among other "human right violations" are still very prevalent in our "modern day" world. 

Don't you wish you were just never born? Why do I have to go through life with no purpose or aim if in the end my existence is very much insignificant. I could disappear tomorrow and the only people who would really genuinely care are my family, but even they would get over it in a few decades. Moreover, sorrow and sadness and all the fucking stupid ass feelings that we experience are all meaningless once we die and rot away deep under the ground. 

I don't even know why I am feeling this depressed and down again, and I don't know how to cope with it. I don't know how to make these feelings of annoyance, confusion, and chaos go away.

I can't do anything right now, and when I do attempt to do something, I end up just thinking about the wrong things and letting my mind wander off to dark places. 

I remember when I used to call the suicide hotline they would tell me that depression makes one see in black and white; it sucks up all the color in you and paralyzes your ability to color. I need help, but I know I am not going to seek. Hopefully my mind, brain, and thoughts just go back to normal by themselves. I know I am not mentally unhealthy. Mental illness is just perception. 

Fuck. 

[arabfromouterspace]

Blessed

Sometimes I forget how fucking blessed I am, and how grateful I should be for everything I have. Therefore, let this post be a reminder of how blessed I am. How lucky I am to be in the place that I am in right now. I am grateful for my health, physical ability, family, friends and standard of living. I wish to never be ungrateful for anything that I have. While one or two days may not be going my way, I have to remember that may people have it much worse that I do.

[arabfromouterspace]

I forgot to mention that regardless of how bad alcohol  is for you, I just really fucking love it. It puts me in a nice state of mind, and I lose my filter. The real me comes out, which is good. I like that. 

[arabfromouterspace]

Drunk

This is going to hopefully a very quick post because I need to sleep so that I may study for my midterm tomorrow. I feel like I am typing very slowly right now, but that may be solely because I am intoxicated. I wanted to blog right now just because alcohol makes my thoughts flow freely. I want to not hold anything back. Tonight was pretty eventful. As my college years progress, I stop giving a fuck more and more. I am fucking done with people questioning my friendship with a gay person. It fucking pisses me off that people think there is something going on just because we are friends. It doesn't work that way. You either like pussy or dick, and I like the former. It also pisses me off when people try to label me as something I am not when they do not know jack about me. Why is this world and the people in it so fucking judgmental? Why are the people in this world so superficial? 

I know I mainly bitch in my blogs, but whatever. I honestly do not give a fuck. 

However, there is some good in the world, and I try to surround myself with that good as much as possible. I see the good in people and I try to surround myself by those people as much as possible. I don't need fake or judgmental people in my life. You do you and imma do me.  

[arabfromouterspace]

Frat

It seems that I am becoming addicted to blogging my thoughts nowadays. I feel compelled to blog about anything interesting that happens in my life. I should really be studying right now for the 3 midterms that I have next week. 

Anyway, last night I went to the first pledge meeting of the frat that I am currently rushing for, and it was quite amusing. It's a new frat so they are trying to gain their legitimacy by making pledges do ridiculous things. 

First off, there is a strike system. If you get 3 strikes, you have to swipe all the brother's into the dining halls (their way of getting free food lol). If you get 6 strikes, all the pledges have to clean up after a social or a party. If you get 9 strikes, all the pledges have to go grocery shopping for a social. If you get 12 strikes, all the pledges have o miss a social. Lastly, if you get 15 strikes, the brothers will "talk" to you. 

Reading the strike system now makes it not sound as bad as it did when I heard it, but I still think they are doing way too damn much. They want us to dress formally to every singly fucking pledge meeting. Bitch please, I don't dress formally when I need to go to a formal event, so swerve. Anyway, I have to go to el klass so imma finish this post later if I have the time. 

[arabfromouterspace]

I just want to die sometimes. Not kill myself or commit suicide, but just die. I hate this world and I see nothing good coming out it. I don't want to live on this atrocious universe anymore. I want an accident to come and kill me, because I am done living. I am sure there is no life after death, or at least I hope so. I don't want to commit suicide because I would feel bad for the pain and sorrow I am purposely causing people. I won't feel bad if I die by accident though.