Arials Tears

My life, Told through Journal entries,poems,and short stories, everything is written by me unless stated.

[taylorsghost]

send me "have you evers"

[arials-tears]

Highs like mountains and Lows like the Abyss

I can form the words to describe my life right now. If you didn't already know I self-harm. My friends was in the hospital psych ward recently because her mom found out and my dad keeps saying all these things about 'People Like That'

:

Their weak

Pathetic

Toxic

Creating an image so then can manipulate people

Just doing it for attention

Every word he says makes my heart hurt and my eyes water because it hurts to know he thinks of my like that. He dosent know I self-harm but every time he insults her or people like 'That' he's insulting and it takes every scrap of willpower in me to hold back the tears. I also found out recently I have all the symptoms of Bipolar Manic Depressive disorder. And i'm so low right now. It's like this bone-deep sinking feeling in my chest, that empty hollow feeling. But at the same time I have so much energy but I'm too dead to move, And when I don't move I feel like somebody is dragging a rake down my spine, like I'm too big for my skin and I'm going to explode. I can't handle it. All I want to do is take my razor and drag it across my skin, The blade biting and pulling at my skin until it bleeds. Bleeds out my tears, bleeds out my fears. I can't take this anymore. I just want to sit in an empty room and scream, to scream until my voice is raw and bleeding. The beat my hands on the floor and drag my nails across the wall. Until all I can do is sit in the floor and cry, writhing because that horrible feeling winding in my stomach, that horrible feeling that its not enough, that no matter how much I scream, its never going to be enough for someone to hear and never enough to make the pain stop

Its never enough

Im so done...

[arials-tears]

I was raped by a family member and I cant tell anyone about it

[arials-tears]

I'm afraid Im not as smart as everyone thinks I am

[arials-tears]

Awkward...

So during lunch I was talking about turning this site into a sort of confessions page for the kids at my school. Its a long story, which I will post seperate fromthis haha. But anyway I told her the URL and some one heard me... So yea. They dont know who run this site but now they know about it. I got a message last night. So because you don't know me, Feel free to join in on the confession rampage haha. This tumblr is dedicated to sharing your stories:) I ll even post a few of my own. So while this will still be sort of my private diray of sorts. It is now your as well:) Have fun!

[arials-tears]

Powerful and Moving

Hey peoples:)

So last friday my school got shut down because of a security threat ( bomb threat/shooting threat).This morning our principle was talking about how our school needs to stop bullying etc. WHICH I TOTALLY AGREE WITH! But she doesn't know what shes talking about or how to help. Or school is the worst in the county coming only second the Aptos. Amd nobody seems to notice or care. In fact, today this girl in class was like, "Uggh Nobody gets bullied here, their just overreacting, they know its all in fun" ?!?!?!?!? No! Do you know how many people i have help when then come crying to me about bullying? How many times I spent my lunch in the bathroom sobbing my eyes out because I felt worthless?! Bullying is no joke. So in my history class today we were talking about bullying and i was talking about how its not just student who do the bullying here. I was talking about how there are also a lot of teachers who do the bullying and that its a big problem.

I also talked about how when many student do get up the courage to talk to a teacher or staff member that we are dismissed  With people telling us that we are fine, your exaggerating  its just a phase, there just joking with you, your just looking for attention. 

THIS IS WHY MANY KIDS DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING TO ADULTS.

My school has this P.A.T. club/team/government thing. Its called the peer advocacy team. No to shit on their parade, but it sucks. The team is full of the popular kids, the kids who are nice, and well known. These are the same kids who are doing the bullying! The same kids who are calling people names, getting kids drunk, pressuring others. And you want me to go talk to them?! You want me to go talk to my bully about being bullied?! And while its not all preps, the rest are the honor students  Those who were raised with good parents and have a nice loving family. How am i supposed to talk about how I feel like i'm useless and stupid because i'm failing a class when they could never comprehend not turning in a homework assignment, let alone failing a class (GASP! What would the colleges think!). 

So anyways, as I listened to morning announcements a plan formed in my head. I write poetry (I've posted some on here) and while none of it is about me, I have good empathetic skills, i tend to adopt to emotions of those around me. Hence to really depressing stuff I write. But anyways, I had one written that would fit perfectly with this! Oblivious! It's about how teachers dont know anything about their students. So I typed it up, didnt sign my name and posted it around campus.

6th period I get called to the office to talked to our personal social services counselor (He's really nice:) I see him everyday, he was surprised it was me haha) He said hello  surprised it was me that he had called in, only knowing a name. He asked about the poem and i laughed and told him it wasn't about me and that he didn't have to worry. Then I talked about WHY i wrote it and posted it. I talked about bullying and how  our school wasn't doing anything about it. He told me it was beautifully written and very powerful. He then sent me off to the V.P's office

Now before this, I was pretty sure that he hated me, but now idk. He talked to me about how it was a very moving piece and how he wanted to make sure i was ok, and that he hopes i will form a club to work on ORGANIZED and PLANNED events haha.Then a bunch of subtle subtext about how I shouldn't just do this but that i should have a plan and talk to him about it haha.

So yea:) That was my day.  I'll post the poem after  I post this. Anyways, i 'm gonna try to start a "Write a confession" or a "If you really knew me..."campaign at my school:) I'll keep you updated haha

Till next time,

Ember

[arials-tears]

The Girl Unseen

The girl unseen

The story untold

The song unsung 

The battle not fought

The invisible girl walks among the crowd

Unobtrusive and unremarkable

But when she takes her stand

When she shows her hand

You'll wish you'd called her bluff

You'll wish you'd seen her

Seen the pain in her eyes

Seen the bruises on her cheek

Seen the cuts on her wrist

Wish you'd comforted her in her time on need

What's been seen cannot be forgotten

The girl unseen walked among the thriving crowd

Yet no one noticed till a shot rang out

Now you'll never forget her

No,Not the murderer

Not after you've seen the pain in those blue blue eyes

Not after you've seen the scars on that pale pale skin

The girl unseen, Once seen

Can not be forgotten

---------

Ember

[arials-tears]

Beauty in the Breakdown

I don't want your pity

I don't want your tears

I've managed without

All these years

I've held myself as I cried

Dried my own eyes

You say theres beauty in my breakdown

Beauty in my tears

But all I feel is anger

All I see is hate

I hate the ones that made me cry

I hate the ones that made me sob

No matter what you think

I'm not broken,Oh, I'm not broken

I may look small

My tears may fall

But i'm standing tall

I'm building my wall

When i'm done

Oh, I'll get them

So I don't want their pity

I don't want their tears

I want their screams

I want their fears

I'm the stuff of nightmares

I'm created by you

Oh yes, Theres beauty in the breakdown

Beauty in the tears

But theres vengeance in the screams

Vengeance in the blood

I hope you'll see

What you made me me

What you made me into

  Beauty in the breakdown

Beauty in the tears

  BANG!

-------

Ember

[arials-tears]

Walls

I'm lying on the ground

Drowning in the rubble

Peice by Peice, these walls fall down

These walls are crumbling all around

I'm lying in my tears

Gagging on my fears

I'm safe behind my walls

Hiding from my broken life

Safe from the hateful words

Hiding from the harmful blows

But my castle walls are starting to crumble

Letting in the hate like a cold dark rumble

I can't block it out

I can't forget it

These no one to help me

No one to hear me scream

Somebody please

Help me please

I'm starting to bleed

I'm running out of excuses

For the bruises on my wrist

The tears that run down my face

The pain in my head

But safe behind my castle walls 

I can't see the hate

Can't feel the pain

But these walls are crumbling down

And I can't help but drown

-------

Ember

[arials-tears]

Lost Girl

With a found pen

And a borrowed book

I write out my tale, In this hidden nook

I speak of what has happened

And what has been done to me

I write about my Family

Warm and Loving

I write about the people close to me

Honest and Wise

I write about the man who raped me

Cruel and Evil

I write about my abusive Ex-Boyfriend

Harsh and Unfeeling

All these things that make me, me

The good and The bad

The warm and The icy

But with this found pen

And this borrowed book

I speak the tale of the Lost Girl

I speak with words upon a paper

With pixels upon a page

With these tear-stained eyes

And this battle-worn body

Full of scars and pain

Share the tale I could never Tell

Tell others of the Lost Girl

Tell them about Me

------

Ember

[arials-tears]

Once upon a Time...

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. Had alot of things pop up :/

So lets count the ways my life has sucked the last few weeks:

1:My dad had a stroke

2:Health insurance doesn't cover said stroke

3: I slipped and started cutting again

4:My friends keep telling this guy to ask me to prom when A)I don't like him and B) I don't have 600$ just lying around to pay for it

5:I've been trying to take care of everything around the house because my mom does not seem to grasp the concept of letting my father rest after having had a STROKE!

6: A guy I liked asked me out and stood me up

7:Johnny keeps texting me then dropping off the planet

8: Nick asked me out, we skated and then we kissed. One prob , hes FWB with the one person I hate. Lets call her the Wicked Bitch Of The East

9: My friend is being sexually abused at home and theres nothing I can do about it

10: My other friend is being beaten at home and he wont let me help him because he has a little brother and he dosen't want him in foster care

11: I've been skating alot to avoid home and the people round me and now bitches are spreading rumors at school that i'm an alcoholic slut whos turning tricks for drugs  REALLY?! HOW THE FUCK DOES ME AVOIDING PEOPLE AND SKATING TURN INTO AN ALCOHOLIC DRUGGIE PROSTITUTE! Not that I have anything against them, but its not me!

Why do teenagers, well people in general feel the need to spread rumors  about and tear down the people around them? What is the evolutionary basis for it? How could it possibly be good  But if it isn't  then why have humans always had this biological trait? Is it a malfunction, an unfortunate side-effect of some trait we do praise? Or is it just a mistake that is commonly found in the brain? Like sociopathic behavior  but more common?

Anyways, thats why I haven't posted in awhile. I've been writing a lot  a bunch of fairy tales (Hence the name ) I've been writing myself into the stories because sometimes you just have to get away from your life. Usually I read, but i've taken up writing. Since then I have been a Pirate,A Librarian, A Cowgirl, A Werewolf, A Witch/Warlock, A Photographer etc. 

Hope you guys are having a better time than me:\ See ya tomorrow

Till Next Time-

Ember

[arials-tears]

2-18-13

So today? I got stood up by Johnny. I asked him out on a date to the local roller rink, cheesy but It seemed kinda fun. But after 2 hours of skating alone and him not picking up his phone. I had to accept I was stood up. It sucked. Alot. So I went over to my friends house and we ate our feelings while watching horror movies. It was great:) I wasnt actually that upset over being stood up. I mean it kinda sucks but it happens you know? But I'm a wrestler so i'm always watching/cutting weight so I don't get many 'Soothe your soul by eating your feelings ' so I  TOTALLY used it haha. After 4 horror movies and here comes the boom, my soul is healed, I love my friends and i think I gained like 5 pounds in chips and junk food haha. I have also decided that now that wrestling season is over, im going to take up skating:) The rink was fun, even if I was awkwardly alone the whole time, my mom has a pair of skates that she doesn't use anymore and the rink is open every day 3:30-5:30  on weekdays and 2:00-4:00 on weekends:) Hello out of season activity! And I shall be on the hunt for sweet, attractive guy/girls now that johnny is avoiding my calls and has stood me up twice now. Oh well, Other fish in the sea right? Haha 

Till next time,

Ember

[arials-tears]

2-17-13

I've always wanted to be a writer,ever since I was a kid and I e-mailed Kim Harrison. She wrote one of my favorite book series  The Hallows. I wish I could write like her,I mean I've tried and tried.But I don't have the skill( Or the grammar) I'd write an Autobiography but I'm not a very interesting person.I don't drink and I don't smoke, Don't do drugs. Hell I'm not even against them, I just don't do them. Im a Sophomore in high school and Im a virgin, Nope. Not an abstinence person, I just haven't found a guy i've had good chemistry with yet.My religion  Don't have one. Sometimes I pray, not because I believe in God or think there's someone listening,But because it's comforting to believe in something other than yourself with things are tough. Anyways, Back to being a writer, I figured starting a life blog would help me get used to sharing my thoughts and feelings. Every author does, even if they don't know it. They're sharing their hopes and dreams every time they put out a book, Their nightmares are shown in the little boy afraid of the dark, or the CEO who is afraid of losing his wife because he works to hard. And I have a problem sharing myself with people. This should help, but it may not, that's why its anonymous:)

So a few things before I start my first entry:

1: I'm Crazy

2:I'm self depricating

3:I tend to over analyze things

4:I'm prone to mood swings

That's All I can think of right now, Ill post more later. Anyways, on with the show

*******************************************************************************************

Ok, so interesting things that have happened to me lately? I had my first date.I met this guy Johnny, and I really like him, Alot. We had our first date about a week ago. We met in downtown SC (For the date) at my favorite bookstore. Then we walked around and kissed a little. ( I've never really kissed a guy besides my ex, and no offense but he wasnt the best. And not to mention the whole my ex-bf tried to rape me thing , so I'm kinda uncomfortable with intimate contact, but i don't know, Johnny just doesn't set off my alarms, I'm comfortable with him) Then we got in his car and drove to the beach. We laid down in the sand and kissed, and he found out I like neck play. He laughed when he realized my neck was sensitive, but I don't think he realized how sensitive haha. Then we drove to the beach by his house for 'Stargazing' HAHA BULLSHIT! We just laid in his back seat and made-out, he kept asking me to give him a blow job but i kept telling him no, He never physically asked or forced, but he was starting to set off my alarms so I kinda got really quiet and I think he got mad and we drove back to SC,On the way we talked about music and just random stuff. Then he dropped me off at the bookstore and left.

And so I don't even know if were dating or not. I really like him, and I'm down to have sex. Like i WANT SEX NOW. But I also know that i would regret it if i did it on an impulse. I want to know the person. I know I've got a virgin ideologies about a first time, romantic and shit. But I don't. I know that its going to be painful and awkward, but I want it to be painfull and awkward with somebody who loves me, I dont want to be some random drunk party hook up or a rebound girl. I want to look back on it and not regret it.So yea... Thats whats happened recently,

Till next time ,

Ember

[arials-tears]

Hi

So this a Life blog. I have a regular tumblr, but please don't try to find me, and please don't try to figure out my name.  I know you probably don't care anyways, but this blog is a way for my to let out my frustrations, yell my joy and shed my tears. You can call me Ember, the blog is called Ariels tears because I love Ariel and it seemed fitting. Anyways, enjoy my life I guess