[aris047]

pinned post

[aris047]

im a but picky about food and if i feel something makes a dish worse i want it gone

so.. i have been applying that to other things

is doomscrolling going to add something to my life or is it making it worse. not really and probly. so its the bad ingredient in the dish and i stop.

sure ill doomscroll some other time again but ill keep asking that question whenever i can while doing something for myself

there is stuff i dont like but that needs to happen. that stuff is like wierdly flavored water i dont like and want it but its needed to sustain myself/my surroundings

[aris047]

i need a bleed out spot

someplace i would would like to be if i where to bleed out

calm and beautiful in a way that lets me reflect and come to terms with things

because im bleeding everything but blood and i need to just lay there for a while

the pressure of everything is too much and i would love to stop getting stabbed by it

i dont want to bleed out

[aris047]

i wanna stay wimsy but im so fucking tired of people irl and its effecting everything

[aris047]

i should dig a hole

[aris047]

okay so this might make no sense or all the sense but so much is going on with me that… well basically this

physical movement energy: 40/100

energetic level: 8/50

mental processing power: -30/12

motivation levels: 2/37

concentration: 20/40

emotional availability: ??/??

start up possibility: 3/24

executive function: 5/50

impulse control: 40/60

and so on

i imagine a standard neurotypical has all of these at 100/100 at waking up

and yes barely any of mine are even able to reach normal levels at their peak not to mention going into the negatives with them

there is so much going on that im overwhelmed from existing and trying to manage my own body and mind and thats without outside forces in a environment thats tailored as much to me as it can without getting in the way of others

it sucks and i dont like it but there is nothing i can do to reach even close to average as its just part of my being

its not like i dont have legs but i wish it was as visible so that people could see it and take it seriously instead of just ignoring it all

i needed to get this out

[tlirsgender]

Everybody talking about how diy hrt is so haaaard and dangerousssss is lying btw it's literally fine. Yes even for testosterone. Do you know how many cis dudes are taking grey market steroids? Nobody gives a shit unless you're going through customs or already getting pulled over for something else

[tlirsgender]

Also the whole "taking t is dangerous for your health" thing like. It's not going to turn your blood into pudding and kill you. Do you know how much higher than the suggested max/cis male dosage you have to go for anything weird to start happening? You are not going to accidentally overdose on a sex hormone your body already naturally produces. Your body will start converting it to estrogen (which still isn't ideal, sure) Long before it reaches that point. It's Literally Fine. Do your actual research on this don't let detrans grifters scare you out of at least Reading About It as a possibility

[tlirsgender]

You can also get bitcoin via cashapp in like two seconds, yknow, if you don't want to email some dubious website your banking information. None of this is as hard as they want you to think it is

[queeranarchism]

Here's a free book about it

It's true that the risks aren't as scary as the detransers say, but some risks (like being allergic to the injection oil) do exist and getting your dosis right is better for your health. So if you can: gather information, get blood tests, transition safely on your own terms.

[rabbitsoverload]

You were warned…

[aris047]

i would love to sit in a cool forrest rn or like a cave

[aris047]

starting to be that kinda weather where you wanna keep everything closed again

keep in the cold of night

if ventilation is needed make sure to to it right before night or keep the ventilating area contained

stay safe and cool

also the earth should be cold go have fun and dig a hole like bun or other burrower

[aris047]

universe concept idea

everything is everywhere

nothing is everywhere

2 planes overlapping

parts of the everything escaped into the nothing

now everything is trying to become everything again and nothing is trying to become nothing again

but the pieces and parts that escaped resist

think of it as a hole in nothing and everything because they swapped planes

the universe they are in is nothingness and the horror that threatens to take them is everything

every part that they are missing is in the everything but they resist because when everything is everything and nothing is nothing then there is no reason to be themself anymore

they dont want to be everything or nothing

they want to be something just something

because they see reason in something and not the everything they where born in or the nothing they fled too

they dont want the absolute choas of everything or the absolute order of nothing they want to be

you could think everything has everything so it should have everything they want but everything is more like one of everything and nothing zero of everything

[aris047]

my masking isnt lying

my masking is a translation

i need to remind myself of this sometimes

i do it because you cant read my mind and i want you to know how im feeling and doing

[anarchetypalarchive]

i saw this post earlier about therapists and it reminded me of my old therapist paul, who in my opinion is one of the greatest men alive and who did not put up with my bullshit for even one second

anyway i go in to see paul one week in the summer of 2016, and i’m doing my usual bullshit which consists of me talking shit about myself, and paul is staring at me, and then he cuts me off and says that he’s got a new tool for helping people recognize when they’re using negative language, and gets up and goes over to his desk

and i’m like alright hit me with that sweet sweet self-help article my man, because i’m a linguistic learner and whenever paul’s like here i have a tool for you to use it’s pretty much always an article or a book or something

paul opens a drawer, takes something out, and turns back around. i stare.

i say, paul.

is that a nerf gun.

yeah, says paul.

i say, are you gonna shoot me with a nerf gun in this professional setting.

he happily informs me that that’s really up to me, isn’t it. and sits back down. and gestures, like, go ahead, what were you saying?

and i squint suspiciously and start back up about how i’m having too much anxiety to leave the house to run errands, like it was a miracle to even get here, like i’ve forgone getting groceries for the past week and that’s so stupid, what a stupid issue, i’m an idiot, how could i–

a foam dart hits me in the leg.

i go, hey! because my therapist just shot me in the leg. paul blinks at me placidly and raises an eyebrow. i squint again.

i say, slowly, it’s– not a stupid issue, i’m not stupid, but it’s frustrating me and i don’t want it to be a problem i’m having.

no dart this time. okay. sweet.

so the rest of the hour passes with me intermittently getting nailed with tiny foam darts and then swearing and then fixing my language and, wouldn’t you know it, i start liking myself a little more by the end of the session, which is mildly infuriating because paul can tell and he’s very smug about it 

anyway i leave his office and the lady having the next appointment walks in and i hear what’s all over the floor? and paul very seriously says cognitive behavioral therapy tools.

[targetedknowledge]

[aris047]

me and me and me and also crow

[aris047]

hmmm i should make a mech side blog

[aris047]

hmmm suger cube

[aris047]

bleps and just sits there blepping