I’m not allosexual in the alloromantic and allosexual way. I’m allosexual in the aromantic way. Why is that so hard to understand?
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@arosexuality
I’m not allosexual in the alloromantic and allosexual way. I’m allosexual in the aromantic way. Why is that so hard to understand?
Like here’s the problems with “qpps/qprs are just best friendships!”:
No they aren’t, and I think deep down nobody thinks this. Nobody thinks its “normal” for a friend to want to move in and be domestic and intimate with their friend, bc intimacy levels matter in a relationship, even platonic forms of it
Besides, are you really gonna sit here and tell me the dividing lines between romance, sexual relationship, and friendship aren’t poorly-defined and vague as fuck anyway? You’re really gonna act like we couldn’t use a few more words to define this shit?
Moreover, people in qpps/qprs aren’t “just friends” bc they uhh said so, and it’s rude to try to define someone else’s relationship for them
esp if its a relationship you clearly don’t actually understand or relate to, a category a lot of people saying this fall into
You may think youre just being “reasonable” criticizing terminology that isn’t yours and relationships you arent a part of and don’t relate to but I hope you’ll take a moment to think about why that’s shitty, and also why it matters so goddamned much to you to prove that qpps/qprs are “just friendships” (i.e. aren’t “real relationships”)
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Autochorissexual/Aegosexual
I’ve seen a lot of people use autochorissexual and aegosexual interchangeably (and admit I’ve been guilty of doing this myself up until a couple of years ago), but while they were coined to describe the same experience, I don’t feel that they’re quite synonymous due to the vastly different ways they categorize that experience.
Autochorissexualism was coined by psychologist Anthony Bogaert, a man who to the best of my knowledge considers himself allosexual, in 2012. Anthony Bogaert categorized the experience this term described as a ‘paraphilia’. Over time, the term came to be known in the ace community by autochorissexuality rather than autochorissexualism.
In 2014, a tumblr user coined the term aegosexual as a replacement for the term autochorissexual because the original term was found to be clunky by many, because many aces were understandably very uncomfortable with their ace experiences being considered ‘paraphilias’, because a lot of us feel that having this experience categorized as a ‘paraphilia’ furthers the stigmatization of asexuality being ‘abnormal’, and because some believed it was better for us to be coining our own terminology for our experiences rather than people outside of the ace community.
Aegosexual is most often categorized either as a sexuality in and of itself, or as a descriptor an ace person may use to describe a part of how they experience their asexuality.
I’m not about to tell anyone which to use… some people still think autochorissexual/ism is fine and are fine with their experience being categorized as a paraphilia.
But as one of those people deeply uncomfortable with the term autochorissexual/ism and it’s categorization as a paraphilia, I personally would greatly appreciate it if when people talked broadly about autochorissexual/ism and it’s categorization as a paraphilia, they make mention that many aces are very uncomfortable with this term and have moved to the term aegosexual instead.
I had to click through to see what it meant, so:
“The term autochorissexual was coined by Anthony Bogaert and is derived from ‘autochoris’ which translates to ‘identity-less sexuality’. It is a subset of asexuality which is defined as: a disconnection between oneself and a sexual target/object of arousal; may involve sexual fantasies or arousal in response to erotica or pornography, but lacking any desire to be a participant in the sexual activities therein.
Autochorissexuals are known to:
*Get aroused by sexual content but not actually want to engage in any sexual activities
* Masturbate, but are neutral or repulsed by the idea of having sex with another person.
* Fantasize about sex, but envision people other than themselves, and/or view it in third person, as though they’re watching it on TV, rather than imagining it in first person, through their own eyes.
* Predominantly or entirely fantasize about fictional characters or celebrities, rather than people in real life they know.
* Identify as asexual and feel no sexual attraction to people, but enjoy masturbating, are aroused by sexually explicit content, and/or have sexual fantasies.
While this mostly occurs in asexual people, an analogous feeling may occur in aromantic people with romantic fantasies instead of sexual ones.”
So like
I’m sure this is well-treaded territory that I’m just unfamiliar with, but (a) it seems so ironic to have a term that means “doesn’t identify with any terms.”
And (b) unless I’m mistaken, this is exactly, exactly what aces are talking about in the endless “no, asexual doesn’t mean you don’t want sex, aces can feel arousal and even have sex” “LMAO WHAT THEN IT’S JUST A FANCY TERM FOR BEING STRAIGHT” bullshit part of ace discourse.
Right? Like: there is a ton of confusion out there on all sides about what attraction vs arousal means.
I was convinced for ages that I could not be ace, because I might look at someone and feel arousal. Or remember something I’ve done with my partner and feel arousal. But it’s like… I might see someone I think is hot and feel aroused, but I’m not sexually attracted to them.
I don’t want to have sex with them. I’m not imagining having sex with them. I’m just seeing something and reacting to it. And I didn’t even start to think that through before, because I was just making a huge assumption and then moving on with my life.
Idk. It seems like this is incredibly common among aces who aren’t sex-repulsed; maybe even among those who are, I don’t know. It’s odd to me that we have this very specific term for it, as if it were a small subset rather than something we tend to argue is a common part of being ace.
The other thing it makes me think of, mind you, is that when exclusionists (of all types) complain about “endless MOGAI terms for things that don’t need labels” or whatever, one of the many things they’re missing is that it’s fucking beautiful to have all these POTENTIAL ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE OUR EXPERIENCES.
I’m used to this world they endorse, where you can be one thing, gay or bi or trans. And even though most trans people are bi or gay, you’ll notice that famous trans people are usually only described as trans, not also as having a sexual orientation. Because they already got a label, and you can only occupy one category in people’s minds!
And it is such a huge gift from all of us liminal communities, from ace and aro and nb and m-spec people, to be able to instead occupy multiple spaces.
There are lists and lists of a-spec labels, nb genders, etc, and it’s not “too many!” It’s because these are fucking adjectives that describe different aspects of these experiences!
Having multiple different terms doesn’t mean you can’t decide, or are just fucking around, or whatever.
It means that you get to actually know and describe your relationship to gender or sex or romantic love.
It means that you can actually say things like “I move between having no gender, and feeling at least some vague connection to this other gender, or this one, but the thing that is the most important to me is that I’m butch, which I don’t think is my gender but is an important aspect of how I present and experience gender in the world,” in less than a damn paragraph.
You could say twice as much. Three times as much. Easily. You could add in all sorts of info about how that interacts with your relationship to sex, how sex affects your experience of gender, how being autistic affects both of those, plus whether you get crushes and fall in love, why, and with whom, and what that has to do with either your gender or sexuality!
I just realized that, is all. I haven’t even begun to explore some of these words. I saw about a million people identify as agender aroace before I realized that that applied to me, just because I think of myself mostly just as genderqueer and femme (and only figured out the aroace part last year).
I feel like I should find lists of all these terms, post them, and start something where we each see how many of the terms fit us. With prizes for the shortest and longest, lol.
Hot take but amatonormativity should be considered a feminist issue and was in fact eluded to in a lot of early feminist writing, and the fact that we don’t widely regard it as a feminist issue today indicates either a loss of knowledge or an acceptance of harmful social norms on the part of modern feminists
Amatonormativity:
-Teaches young women and girls that you must be in a romantic relationship to be happy, and therefore insinuates that they should prioritize making themselves romanticly available (usually to men) over all other things
- Validates straight men’s feeling of entitlement towards women by equating the right to happiness with a right to women’s bodies and emotional labor
- Helps justify the act of isolating your romantic partner from their friends by promoting the idea that romantic relationships should be prioritized over all other social relationships, resulting in a climate where it’s easier for domestic abusers to socially isolate their victims
-Promotes negative views of older single women such as “hags”, “spinsters” and “crazy cat ladies”
And all of these things are directly tied to frequently discussed feminist issues, so I really don’t know why no one ever talks about amatonormativity in feminist spaces. These norms don’t just hurt aros and poly people they hurt everyone, and it would greatly benefit y’all to actually listen to us when we discuss these issues.
I feel like all of this is heteronormativity at this point. Cuz us queers know better.
It isn’t though. Heteronormativity, Amatonormativity, cisnormativity and sexism overlap, like A LOT, but they’re not identical.
The idea that you must be in a romantic relationship to be happy is frequently reproduced by queers, as is the idea that romantic relationships should be prioritized over other social relationships.
And queers have been very quick to reproduce stereotypes around single women in their own treatment of ‘fag hags’ and fan fiction writers.
That’s the thing, when we look at these things from just the perspective of heteronormativity, we very likely to miss out on the parts that are not about the gender of the person we date but about the idea that we should date at all to be happy.
If we occasionally figure that out all by our queer selves, without even using the word amatonormativity, hey, lucky hit. Bu if we include ace voices and an awareness of amatonormativity into our thinking, we get further.
love being aromantic
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Are you ready for some reading challenges? Choose your level!
🖤 Level 1 - complete 4 challenges 🖤 Level 2 - complete 8 challenges 🖤 Level 3 - complete 12 challenges 🖤 Readathon master - complete all 16 challenges
Rose’s Rec List + Disclaimers: Books may fit other bingo challenges slots but it’s either an unknown factor to me or I didn’t think it was about the subject enough. With your card do whatever you think is best. Books that aren’t “recommended” mean I haven’t read but they are in my tbr pile. I also tried to give a wide variety of genres in hopes everyone could at least find one new thing.
Hello World by Tiffany Rose and Alexander Tauber
Indie Author
Purple on the cover
A book recommended ( ;D it’s my book)
Released over 12 months ago
Sci-Fi Book
How To Be a Movie Star by TJ Klune
Released in the past 12 months
Two or more a-spec characters in the same book
A book recommended
Aces with different a-spec ids
Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann
A-spec character of color
A book recommended
Released over 12 months ago
Has purple on the cover (lol how’d I forget)
The Captain’s Men by TJ Land
Short Story/Novella
Fantasy
Released over 12 months ago
Hullmetal Girls by Emily Skrutskie
Released in the past 12 months
A book without romance
Science fiction
The Diviners by Libba Bray
Purple on the cover
Older than a year
A-spec character of color
Disabled a-spec author
Fantasy
That’s six books and surely one of these authors are new to you making every box checked off besides Group Book and when it’s announced that would make seven books for your very last blank!
god im reading a text about romance fiction (especially targeted at young adults) for class and one sentence in it literally made my brain explode because ive been thinking about this kind of stuff too, how “Many people wouldn’t fall in love if they’ve never heard about it before.” and like…imagine there was no ideal/overaccentuated image of love and romance painted in postmodern mass media….how would we love? would it be purer? more authentic? what would we do differently? would we fall in love at all if we werent constantly being fed an ideal concept of love as the norm in mass media? like what is a natural process of human feelings and what is just a projection of how we want to love and want to be loved based on what we’ve seen on tv and read in books etc? in this essay i will
w … wh … where’s the rest of the essay, op?
shoutout to aros like me. shoutout to those of us who read romantic fluff or a smutty oneshot for a pick-me-up. you’re not any less aro then romance-repulsed aros. you’re just as real and just as queer <3
Sir that’s my emotional support unrealistic romantic daydream
One of the most insidious messages we receive as aromantic people is the idea there is nothing to be gained from a platonic relationship that one can’t get from a romantic relationship. The media we consume every day tells us that what we have to offer would be somehow better if it were given in a romantic, rather than platonic context. It tells us things like emotional support, laughter, care, and love are more valuable within the confines of a romantic relationship.
This can leave an aromantic person feeling as if they have nothing unique or valuable to offer, and the things they could provide to the people they care about would be better had from a romantic partner. That they themselves are superfluous and unnecessary.
These are lies. You are beautiful, and valuable, and you have more to offer than you will ever know. You may never see it yourself, but every person who chooses to have you in their life sees something in you that is worthwhile. There is something they receive from you they don’t get from anyone else, and it’s likely something different for every person who knows you.
You are special. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to feel like you’re enough, because you are.
You are.
yall really don’t like to use your brains huh. i mean QPRs just aren’t that hard of a concept to understand… a very strong, committed, platonic relationship. “oh that’s a best friend !” but do you consider your best friend a life partner ? would you move in with them ? would you become their civil partner ? would you adopt kids with them ?
idk what yall expect from aromantic ppl honestly. just let us put words on our experiences ! having a life partner is something a lot of people want and sometimes that life partner is platonic and that’s it. you all know full well that romantic relationships are prioritized over platonic ones so stop telling us QPPs are just best friends despite the level of commitment in QPRs.
literally just respect arospec ppl’s experiences with platonic feelings and attraction, i promise you it’s not that hard.
the way my friends took care of me formed the blueprint of how I take care of myself and just thinking about that makes me SO emotional idek what or who I would be without my friends