I hate to do this, but I was advised to seek help before spiraling.
My boyfriend of 2 years came out as aroace to me and claims he wants to stay queerplatonic with me, but I've always been an "all or nothing" allo girl and don't feel comfortable at the thought of being qp.
But I don't want to:
1. Let him go, because he said that he doesn't want us to change. He said he just can't promise a future with me.
2. Come off as aphobic, or worst, BE queerplatonic-phobic.
3. Jump to drastic conclusions when I've never been in a qp relationship before.
So, I'm reaching out to ask: What do I do? Should I give up and part ways, or should I give qpr a shot? If I go with the latter, how do qprs work? How do I live in one? How do I love an aroace?
Okay, so first thing’s first: you have no need to be scared or apologise. Not to me and not ever for seeking advice from the community. That’s why the community is here. And you want to learn so you’re not aphobic or queerplatonicphobic. Aromantic relationships can be intimidating and it’s okay to be unsure. You’re not a bad person or aphobic.
First rule about queerplatonic relationships: it’s whatever the people in it want it to be. Alloromantic people can and do have QPRs. What is important is that the both of you can agree on the type of relationship you want to have, the dynamic you want to maintain with each other. A queerplatonic relationship can be whatever the people in it want it to be, doesn’t matter what it looks like to the outside world. The relationship is yours and it’s for the two of you.
With that said, if you truly can not find it in yourself to become comfortable with this shift in your relationship– no, I’ll need to interrupt myself here
Your partner coming out as aroace does not have to change anything. Like, I should’ve lead with that. Your partner coming out as aroace and wanting a queerplatonic relationship does – at face value – not require any changes besides taking what you have now and calling it queerplatonic. Slap the new label on and you’re good to go.
Okay, now, I don’t want to assume whether he might want other changes about your dynamic. If he doesn’t, you need to figure out if you’re comfortable with the new label or if that already is a hiccup. You’re continuing your relationship as is and just call it by a different name. A rose by any other name, etc etc.
Now, if you truly can not find it in yourself to be comfortable with this… let him go.
I’m kinda bad with relationship advice and already feel like I’m rambling but you reached out to me and I want to do a good job. So maybe tackling your 3rd point is the most pressing thing. Maybe you can research and learn more about what a QPR can be (e.g. that it can – among other things – be literally the exact same relationship you’re already having just called differently).
I know it sounds intimidating and “queerplatonic” is a big word and “platonic” usually forces a certain perspective. But it’s just a different coat of paint on the same thing you’ve enjoyed with him thus far. Promise.
Hell, I was okay with my ex-partners continuing to call it a romantic relationship because I felt it was on me that I couldn’t communicate clearly to them.
That’s the other big thing. Big Thing: COMMUNICATION IS KEY
Doesn’t matter romantic, queerplatonic, amical, sexual, alterous. Any relationship requires clear and open and honest communication! Ask him directly what he expects from you. Then think about that. Then tell him what you expect. Does that still match? Great. Done.
But keep your relationship a continuous dialogue. You can not be partners (romantic or queerplatonic) if you don’t communicate your needs and wants.
This is also the “how do I love an aroace”, you’ll need to ask him. Because no two aroace folks are the same. It’s probably weird but rephrase your own question: “How do I love [him]?” And either you can answer that or you need to sit down and talk to him about it anyway. As for the “he can’t promise a future”, yeah, well, could he before coming out? Not to be rude but people change, life changes, none of us really knows what tomorrow holds and while commitment is great it’s hard to promise things with certainty.
I sincerely hope I could help and lessen your worry.
Thank you for reaching out, although I hope you didn’t ask only me and i’ll accordingly tag a few blogs @aroacepositivityplace @aroace-people-are-lgtbq @simplyqueerplatonic @queerplatonicpositivity @no-thx-im-aroace
Folks, these tags are NOT a “tumblr wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope” but I am just one guy and my opinion is obviously biased so I want to help this anon best I can by bringing other people’s opinions in. So please do reboot this to give anon some nuanced opinions.
