woman loving women things

single woman loving women individual she/they

[illicitbehaviour]

please love me in the most soft and loyal way. I’m so tired.

[asapphiclover]

Internal Homophobia

How do I talk about the level of internal homophobia towards myself? The jealous rage of seeing others with their true partners, and I’m stuck in a passionless pity party of misery.

I don’t hate them for being gay, I hate them for accepting they are.

I don’t accept I’m gay, and I hate that I am.

Mindless circles of constant and consistent gameplay. Thoughts one after another never fully making sense before the next one rolls in.

I avoid my media, “happy lesbian couple engaged” a curse. “Lqbt representation…” a nightmare. “Pride month” I’m not proud.

The endless cycle of hate, the tears of wishful thinking. The stabbing pain of sex with a male. Numbing. A stalemate.

Forever wondering when I will forgive myself for the atrocity of liking a women, as if liking a woman could be a sin. Forever wondering when I will accept myself for the thoughts that flicker through me, my mouth on her, my hands holding hers. Forever wondering when this self hate will relinquish its hold and release me to her.

[asapphiclover]

The “L” Word

Lord destroy me if I say it, tear my heart out if that word dares to move from the back of my mind to the tip of my tongue.

Exit from my thoughts, let my mind rest. To leave the closet isn’t something I’m ready for, near nineteen years in there and it went from safety to stuffy to all I’ve never known. My reaching hands ache to leave, though I plant my feet down hard.

So label me if you must, throw me into your boxes with your neat writing. I shall never correct you when I’m placed in the wrong box, for I shall never say what box is correct.

Bisexual on the outside, but what is this thing I am inside? The title I hide behind. Be that as it may, half out is better than fully in. Half out, is not near as good as fully out.

In the end, lies have gotten me no where but here. Running in a giant circle, doing laps around who I truly am. I tire of this race that has no finish line in sight. Which point do I walk to the middle and declare myself the winner? I race against no one and yet somehow compete against everyone.

Another dictionary, another therapist, another day of denial. How long must I hold this in? When do I get to hold another girls hand and feel satisfied? It’s a dream, I dream and yet leave to let another live it out.

Not today, nor tomorrow I’m afraid. We’ll see about next week. Until then, I’ll keep the word in the back of my mind, the closet doors shut, the misplaced labels, the wrong identity, the lies, the racing, and the dreaming all to myself.

[asapphiclover]

My Return

Ive gone and touched men, Nothing compares to the feeling of a woman’s skin.

I’ve gone and tasted men, Nothing compares to the taste of a woman’s aura.

I’ve gone and breathed men, Nothing compares to the breath of a woman’s air.

I’ve gone, and gone and gone back to men in hopes to find something equal to compare.

I’ve gone and loved men, Nothing compares to the love of a woman’s heart.

I’ve gone and humoured men, Nothing compares to the sound of a woman’s laughter.

I’ve gone and bedded men, Nothing compares to the sheets of a woman’s bed.

I’ve gone, and gone and gone back to men, searching. Searching for a place to hide from a woman.

[totally-sapphic-posts]

Thinking about one day being able to say, ‘our home’ and ‘my wife’ is therapeutic

[asapphiclover]

loving you is my favourite thing to do,

wrapped in your arms of comfort,

saturated in your juices of safety,

gazed upon by your fury,

listening to your melodies of charm,

cowering at your feet in open submission,

bearing your sword in mighty promise,

loving you is my favourite thing to do.

the only thing in which i dream and hope it comes true.

[asapphiclover]

kisses down your back, lips pressing against every inch of you. to memorize you is what i aim to do.

hands trailing over your body, eyes remembering every detail. these moments live in my head, reminding me of your loving being.

it goes unsaid, that i map your heart, mind, and body only to unfurl it later and think about how its led us to this place, in love and happy at last.

[asapphiclover]

and it’s hard to keep my cool, when i turn over and see my boo. she’s an angel from heaven, divine in every way, the very breath she takes blesses the world in her soft exhaled snore.

[darkenedluna]

I just wanna feel her lips on mine again 🥵

[yuhoht-t]

wish i had someone to squeeze the anxiety out of me

[asapphiclover]

waking up to you, the best way to wake up. the way the morning sun kisses your skin, dances on your lips, plays with your hair. waking up to you, the best way to witness perfection at its finest. the way you’re so at peace, so close to me, the way your beautiful without having to try or pose, or have a care of what you look like. waking up to you, the best way to wake up.

[asapphiclover]

she is the prison in which i fell for, trapped in undying love for her whilst between her pillowy thighs i feast upon her divinity. there’s no way out for me, i’ve been sentenced for life, to stay with her til my death. never has a prison sentence sounded so sweet and never have i longed for one more. - m 2021

[mysoulishaunted]

When you meet a girl that is sweet and cute and all of a sudden she starts being nasty and teasy... And you end up screaming silently in gay, needy and aware that she would definitely fuck the soul out of your body.

[asapphiclover]

daily thoughts from an over thinker:

is it my internal misogyny or internal homophobia that keeps me from actually dating a girl/telling a girl i like her?

do i like men? or am i so used to going to a man to validate my worth and beauty and sense of purpose that i’ve confused it with attraction?

do i even like women? or do i just think they’re pretty, wonderful, amazing, art, goddesses? maybe it’s normal to think about holding a girls hand and wanting to kiss her. but does that mean i’m attracted to them just cause i want to date them?

am i really into girls if i’m scared of even the prospect of kissing a girl in public?

does it matter what label i use? or if i even use one?

what does true genuine attraction feel like?

what is it about asking a girl out that scares me? but yet talking to a boy is easier than counting.

when i think of it, why would i find my ex boyfriend’s more attractive and stuff when i pictured them as a girl?

is it normal to feel disgusted and not excited about dating someone of the opposite gender but scared and nervous about dating someone of the same gender? do i really feel those feelings or is it just the person i’m imagining those feelings for not who i want?

why must figuring myself out feel so hard?

why are all the men i go for, not even remotely my type?

why do i think so much?

[asapphiclover]

hey, it’s a new year! exciting right?

truth be told, i’m scared. not of covid, or adulthood, or any of the big stuff. really, with visible fears i’m really only scared of snakes and falling.

no, i’m scared of learning to love myself the way i want to love you. you see, i’ve built this image in my head which has been so reinforced so many times- “i’m unlovable.” in typewriter font, with blue ink size 12.

if i cant love myself, will i enforce that image more?

you see to battle this, i think about if i were you instead. and oh how the tables turn. suddenly i’m in love with your flaws and imperfections. but the battle is never won, because it’s not you i need to learn to love. it’s me.

and as you read these words, i ask, how did you do it? how did you learn to love yourself through time? i’m not looking for a quick fix, i’m willing to read the chapters, study the lines, choreograph the dance. i’m begging, how do i unlearn this sense of unloveablity and learn to love myself ?

[elizabethclemens-deactivated202]

You’ve got too much soul to be handled by someone who’s never been passionate.

[asapphiclover]

hey, in case no one reminded you- you look good today. i promise! and it’s gonna be okay, that thing you’re stressing about? it’ll be okay.