I wanted to share a quick update re: the Discord server.
A while ago I stepped back from involvement in running the Discord server. Now I’m stepping away entirely, and it will be an unofficial, listener-run space.
This isn’t about how the server is being run—the admins and mods are so lovely, and they’ve supported me so much these past couple years. It’s purely about me needing to focus on setting up my life in a way that lets me write songs again. Please treat the sever staff well, it’s what I want!
I’ll still be active in the various places you can find me (like here). If you want to make sure you don’t miss out on important updates, the best way is to join the mailing list.
I’m so grateful to everyone who’s been part of the community and hope you continue to enjoy connecting with each other. 💚
Hello! Your show in Chicago with FiaBC is going to be the first concert I ever attend, and I am very excited! Would you be ok with sharing what songs you plan to play so I can memorize them ahead of time? I want to be able to sing along. Have a wonderful day!
EEK I'm just seeing this the day before the show!! I think I'm planning to play:
• Minor Holiday
• Sparkbird
• Mayday! (for the first time live)
• Disembodied Mind
• Arboretum
• Envy
• Sun Goes Dark
• The Light That Comes Through
• November
• Blue Jay
That will prooooobably be the setlist for all three shows but if Sun Goes Dark and Mayday! flop on the first night then I might switch to other songs
I swear to god if I don’t finish this project by the end of this week I’m going to lose my mind. What do you mean I’m on hour 70 of this single project??????? I still have at least 6 to go and that’s not even counting the feathers I have to add!!! I’m going to go mad because of this stupid fucking vampire.
this song fits katie and eddie’s relationship so well— I’m going FERAL. their push-and-pull chemistry, especially in front of gable, needs to be studied 🚬
did I make this edit because aabria iyengar said “someone gets hurt” was on her personal katie playlist? whatttt nooooo (yes definitely absolutely)
TW: mentions and discussion of death, pet death, and grief.
You don’t have to read any of this, I just started kind of writing and this came out. Take care of yourself.
Grief hits in a lot of strange ways. I’ve been fortunate enough to not have lost anyone near to me or in my immediate family other than my great-grandmother who passed when I was 11. I knew Mamaw. My grandmother, mother, and I would visit a few times a month and we would sit in her old home and I would listen to her tell stories of what it was like being a divorced woman raising four children in rural West Virginia in the 50s. Even through all of these stories I never felt like I really knew Mamaw. When she was alive she was running a small animal rescue out of her home which led to an ever changing cast of animals that lived in her home under her care with the constants being two cats she had raised from kittens and a bird. When she passed her younger sister took in the cats and my mother and I took in the bird. Very cleverly named Mr Bird we later found out was one of several blue and yellow parakeets she had raised. We had Mr Bird for the next three-ish years and he remained a loving, if not very noisy, staple of our living room until he passed as well.
During that time my parents were going through a very messy divorce where I was left to fend for myself emotionally. I turned to the only comfort I had in these times, my cats. I had two at the time, my oldest I had gotten when she was only a few months old that I a kindergartner named Princess but grew to only ever call Kitten, and Andrew, the adult former stray we had gotten after our oldest cat Grace passed. My mother had adopted Grace shortly before I was born and she hated me at first because she was never the special one. I don’t have any pictures of or with Grace that I can find, just my childhood memory of being overjoyed anytime she would sit on the couch next to me while my parents yelled at each other in the garage.
Andrew helped me and Kitten more than I think anyone could have imagined. When the divorce got messy, really messy, he was there to curl up with Kitten and help me fall asleep. When we adopted a 6 week old stray cat (Tendu) one of my mother’s coworkers had found he was there to be her “mama”. When we adopted a rambunctious 9 month old German Shepherd (Mia) he helped be a distraction when I thought I was a failure of a dog owner. When covid hit and I nearly lost myself to depression and anxiety, he was there to meow in my face and make me get up when I didn’t want to. When I went to college 500 miles away I would FaceTime my mother just so I could see him and Kitten and Tendu and Mia and not really even talk to my mother. You can probably see where this is going.
On December 14th, 2023 my oldest friend passed away. Kitten was about 15 years old and had lived a life so full of love and joy. She simply curled up on a blanket that she loved and went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and just knew something was wrong. Andrew and Tendu never left my side for the next week as I tried to cope with the first true loss of my life. They nudged me to drink water and let me hold them as I cried until I passed out. But then I had to go back to school and I was miserable. Every single day I was worried the worst would happen and I would get a call from my mother that one of them was gone. I made her promise she wouldn’t tell me unless I asked and she agreed.
Fast forward to October of 2024. My fall break coincided with a huge event I used to work as a kid so I decided to make the long drive after classes ended on Wednesday to be home for only two days before driving back to college. I spent the weekend working an incredible event and cuddling with my babies. I took pictures with Andrew because I knew, deep in the back of my mind, that this would be my last chance. I drove back to college on October 13th and on the 15th, he was gone. We both knew he wouldn’t be able to stick it out for another month and a half but I didn’t want to believe it. I woke up in the middle of the night on the 15th and knew something was wrong but I didn’t know why at the time. I think something wanted me to be able to send him my thoughts in that moment. I was a mess of emotion when I got back and could tell, just by the look in my mother’s eyes.
I moved into my basement this week. My bedroom was smaller than a dorm room and I just didn’t have enough space for everything I owned. Over the last few years, my mother and I had stopped taking care of the room as much as we should have because it was just being used for storage. When we first got Andrew and Tendu, we used this room to get them used to the house. It was one room that has a big window in it that we used so they could have a place to hide and be used to being in our home. Andrew continued to use it and to sit in the window even in recent years. Tonight, just before I started to write this, I cleaned the windows for the first time in years. The windows that had years of little smudges from Andrew’s nose being pressed up against the window watching as deer, and raccoons, and possums, and squirrels, and other cats, and who knows what other critters walked past. The windows he would wait in as I came home from school before running to the door to greet me. The windows I would sit with him in and watch the sunset. I cleaned two of them before it hit me. I was removing a piece of him from the place he had called home. As I write, Tendu is sitting next to me with one paw on my leg. Her little way of telling me she’s with me and I’m not alone.
A lot of people in my life couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to be told when it happened. But what they didn’t know was Andrew was part of my soul. Him and Kitten had gotten me through so much. And with Kitten gone, Andrew was the only part of so many terrible experiences I had left. He was the reason I was still alive and almost everyone I’ve told that to has called me insane. When he passed, part of my heart went with him.
So, as I finish writing this I know things will get better. Eventually. Today I have cried until my eyes hurt and I nearly choked on my own tears and snot. I cried yesterday because I saw a stray who looked like Kitten and I heard a meow that sounded like Grace and I got a Snapchat memory of Andrew’s purr. I know that tomorrow will come with more tears. And so will the day after. I don’t know what the next days will bring other than memories. But I do know that today, I’ll leave one part of the window uncleaned. One glimpse of the past will remain here because I’m not strong enough to remove it, just yet. I will, eventually, clean the window. I will, eventually, be able to look back at pictures and videos without crying. But I will never stop loving and cherishing the memories of those I have lost. Grief is hard and complex and weird and different for everyone. Every single person is grieving over something every single day. We all have the weight on our shoulders left by spirits of the past. But someday, we will be able to heal from that weight. Not to forget the memories, but to be strengthened by them to continue living in their honor.
I’ve attached pictures of them in order of getting them. I looked for a while for a picture of Grace or Mr Bird but just can’t find any.
if you see people misgendering me in comments, I always really appreciate when people correct them. some people are trolling, but many just genuinely don’t know. (no pressure to do this, just if you feel like it!)
