If you want to go fast, you go alone. If you want to go far, you go together
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#extradirty
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oozey mess

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Love Begins

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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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KIROKAZE

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@theartofmadeline

Game Changer & Make Some Noise
macklin celebrini has autism

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@ask-the-city-bros
If you want to go fast, you go alone. If you want to go far, you go together
I can’t believe they oblitered straight men like that
@tabbran please add lemon man story to this
PRESENTING LEMON MAN
That was a wild goddamn ride
god this was worth the read
Who wants to guess how many bags of peaches are in my dad’s freezer?
The answer is:
Too fucking many
This is gonna make … a lot of jam …….
So, I managed to fit all but one big bowl of peaches into the two stock pots …
An hour and a half later, here they are simmering away …
How long is it gonna take to reduce them to jam, you ask?? Fuck if I know at this size lmao
In case you were wondering, it is, in fact, longer than 5 hours, as I am still stirring this jam over the oven :) :) :)
Oh and also there was another large bowl of peaches in the other fridge that I did not see until later, so I did not in fact fit ALL the peaches into the stock pots
On a brighter note, the whole house smells like a Victorian Christmas dinner
Hello again friends, it is currently REAL JAMMING TIME and I have been in stirring hell for seven hours
Went through two whole containers of pectin and a bunch of cornstarch already and things are looking just PEACHY
So, uh, the first stock pot alone yielded 272 ounces, so I … may have accidentally made about 68 8oz jars of jam …… and I only had 36 jars …
Guess I’m going back to the store tomorrow … and going to have to join the local farmers market to sell them …
Anyway, TEN CONTINUOUS HOURS OF WORK LATER, here I am at around 3am sealing my first batch of jars … (entire other stock pot of jam lurks ominously in the background)
God, it’s like when you overestimate how much pasta you’re gonna end up with, only 300% worse
So I woke up today after sleeping like a log to fibd my dad had already gone back to the store (which is like 30 min away) and gotten me more jars because he saw that I needed them
As you can see one of those pachages is the wrong size jar (4oz) so we’ll see if I can fit all the jam into these suckers (plus the two 8oz ones I had leftover)
My dad also put all the jars of jam in the fridge, although since they were all properly sealed (aw yeah) was totally unnecessary lol
He said he accidentally dropped one on the way to the fridge but I checked and it amazingly A) didn’t break, and B) remained properly sealed, so hats off to Ball corp, and also me I guess
Update: WE BE JAMMIN’
Spices I used for this recipe:
-Cinnamon
-Nutmeg
-Ginger
-Allspice
-Vanilla Extract
The combination worked out very well!
Gotta can the rest of it after I eat tho :P
So, I FINALLY managed to can all the jam, except for like … 6 oz of it, so I made shortbread cookies to use that with ;)
Altogether I did end up with 72 jars of jam, 12 of which are the 4oz size though. What the fuck am I gonna do with all this jam, jesus christ
Anyway, thanks for coming to my jam-filled TED talk guys, take care
send me some jam op
ok guys so i just had a breakthrough so in the beginning of the song pompeii by bastille it sounds like theyre saying eheu a bunch of times well eheu is latin for ‘alas’ or ‘oh no’ and iM STILL LAUGHING SO HARD BECAUSE ITS CALLED POMPEII AND MOUNT VESUVIUS DESTROYED THE FUCKIN CITY OF COURSE THEY WOULD BE SAYING OH NO
Latin nerd moment
"As I'm seducing her, I'm just holding myself up on the counter by my elbows."
-our very short halfling gunslinger, while seducing a human shopkeep (He rolled a 24)
Story idea: the local Academy of Magic has an Archaeology Department. They have an ongoing feud with the Necromancy Department because necromancers keep stealing bones from the archaeological lab, and archaeologists keep interrupting necromancy rites to ask the undead about their funerary rites.
The two departments also keep arguing over which one of them has the highest count of “ooops-found-an-ancient-evil-thing-and-almost-destroyed-the-world”.
so you know the rule in fairylands where you cant eat or drink anything or you’ll have to stay there forever? does like.. .eating out/sucking dick count
holy f uck jane
its a serious question
well like, the whole thing is that you cannot have consumed anything belonging to the fey realm. so, yes, probably, you would be stuck there. the same would apply if you just straight up ate a fairy.
new question: would deepthroating count in this case even w/o swallowing
no. temporary doesn’t count, otherwise fairies would all be running about sticking their hands in your mouth to get human servants.
you gotta digest it.
so like??? if you puke afterwards?? maybe it doesn’t count?
huh! i wonder how long is enough time for it to be legit. like whatever goes through your stomach immediately condemns you no matter if you throw it up later?
Well Persephone only ate 6 seeds so she only stayed 6 months, so maybe if you spat out most of it you’d just be condemned to the occasional day “BRB got go pay the two day toll for fellating a fairy.”
“you wanna come over for the weekend?”
“oh man im so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now i have to keep coming back to do it again– its a long story”
“you what now”
i can hardly believe this isn’t already the plot of an Oglaf comic
now that u said it im really surprised as well
what the fuck did i just read
Why ISN’T this an Oglaf comic yet?
I’m so happy that i’m not the only person who thinks of questions like these. I love you all so much.
I’m not convinced by this, actually!
Like, this analysis treats it as a substance problem, i.e. “edible matter from fairyland has properties that, if ingested, physically prevent you from being able to return to the real world.”
But OTOH, a recurring theme throughout fairy stories is that they’re all about…rules and exchanges and agreements with really steep interest rates:
“I’ll do you this favor, but if you don’t guess my name you’ll have to give me your first-born child.”
“You’re gonna be real good at everything but when you’re 16 you’re gonna prick your finger and die.”
“You loaned me $2 for the bus when I looked like a beggar, so now here’s a literal pile of gold and shit.”
Not to mention that in Childe Rowland, one of the central “if you eat food from fairyland you’re stuck there” stories, Rowland manages to retrieve his siblings despite them all presumably having chowed down on fairy food – all it took was beating the Fairy King in a swordfight and threatening to chop his head off.
The takeaway, I think, is that the food thing a matter of implicit exchange: if you get your grub on in fairyland, you’re accepting their hospitality and eating food that they own. This means you owe them, which the fairies can magically leverage to prevent you from leaving.
(You can probably get around this by explicitly agreeing to pay for your meal before you sit down to eat. From what I remember, fairies don’t seem capable of pulling a “Haha, we had an agreement but you’re fucked anyways!” maneuver, so if they agree to let you leave they might even be forced to help you leave.)
Which brings us to the matter at hand: if you blow a fairy you’re doing them a favor! They owe you.
And…they’re a fairy, so if you didn’t agree to terms beforehand they might not repay you in a way that’s ultimately helpful or safe, but it certainly doesn’t seem like they’d be able to, like, pat you on the head and be like “Thanks, you’re really good at this buuuuuuut also you’re stuck here forever now.”
Instead, what seems more likely is…I dunno, showing up to your wedding years later and giving you a beautiful white horse that always comes when called, while loudly praising you as truly deserving it for giving them them simply the best oral they’ve had in years.
Or they feel obligated to show up at your house a couple days a year. So, like
“you wanna come over for the weekend?”
“oh man I’m so sorry i sucked some fairy dick once and now he always comes by over memorial day weekend and helps me out with minor home repairs.”
“you what now”
This is my favorite act of intellectual bugfuckery on this entire website, when I die I want someone to print this out and place it in my grave with me so I can cherish it forever.
Seeing dogs looking at you from a car
I gasped
Make sure to watch this ending :D
our bloodhunter when he realized we had a druid in the party: great so we have a vegan thats nice
our druid: im sorry but what is this ‘vegan’ you speak of? is ‘vegan’ some sort of religion?
I feel like a wine mom sharing Facebook posts but this is too good to not share
Bowsette cosplay by Ladybeard. Some great stuff right here.
best one yet and I’ll fight over that statement
a list of fake tumblr stories i can sort of remember:
that one where some girl claimed people thought her car was the tardis, so she leapt out of it and looked at her boobs like “wow that’s a development” and ran off
hipster blog vs. fandom blog in a starbucks
people singing “let it go” on a bus???
that student who looked into the security cameras in their school’s classroom whenever something stupid would happen and then the security guard thanked them personally
some guy fixing the lights in a store by holding up a sonic screwdriver
homestuck updates, a girl screams, the police come, one of the officers also reads homestuck, he starts freaking out, the other officer gives him a shock blanket
a girl has a joking argument with a police officer who’s a “mei main”
every time a waiter comes back to the table, they say a different supernatural/sherlock/dr. who pun, and the poster continues to fall out of their seat because they’re laughing so hard
someone catches someone on a bus says “i think you fell for me” and the entire bus applauds
a girl wants to buy a led zeppelin cd and the cashier wants her to buy a one direction cd then the manager comes out and yells at the cashier and thanks the girl for having awesome music tastes
boyfriend and girlfriend walk into store, girlfriend complaining that books are horrible, boyfriend breaks up with her
female student: *says something bitchy* nerd student: *calls her a slut* teacher: *laughs*
girl says alohamora to open locked door, it opens, classmates cheer
AND MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE
i’m a fully grown adult woman and one time this girl came up to me in a store and screamed “DO YOU SHIP REYLO” and i said yes and she started yelling at me then her mom came over and yelled at her because the mom also shipped reylo and then the mom apologized to me and bought me a nutella crepe
Its actually illegal to post this and leave out Oppa Homeless Style
Gonna b honest. A lot of hot ppl go to art museums. I’m one of them
im 2 ugly they won’t let me in
that and my shirt that says “i eat oil paintings when security guards aren’t looking”
If Asgardians speak English but originate from Scandinavian folklore, then by all rights shouldn’t Thor, Loki, and company sound like they’re from Minnesota?
Oh, ya, m'name’s Loki, and I am burdened with glorious purpose, doncha know.
This would get me to watch all the Thor movies.
Thor: Aww geeze, I’m gonna need ya to hand over that tesseract there ya? Loki: Oh, good ta see ya, too, brother, thanks for askin’ how I was and all there. Thor: Cheese and crackers, does it seem like I’m in the mood for your games there now then yet?
im hurt but at the same time im from minnesota and im dying becuase this is gold
@merituulitheselkie
Anybody else get this??
(Template made by @banozac )
Bonus:
“And remember: the sky is the limit! You can be anything you want to be!”
“Thank you. I want to be a secretary.”
That stopped them short. “What?”
“A secretary,” she repeated.
“But…” they trailed off, dumbfounded. “Why? You could be a CEO, a scientist, a law–”
“I don’t want to be a CEO,” she said. “I want to be a secretary.”
They scoffed. “You want to answer phones all day?”
She smiled. “Yes.”
“Schedule appointments?”
“I like organizing.”
“Be a second banana?”
An affirmative nod. “I’m skilled at helping.”
“I just don’t understand,” they said. “HOW could you be okay with all of this?!”
“I enjoy the work.”
“BUT YOU CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE!”
“I know.”
“Then WHY?!”
She shrugged.
“Because I want to be a secretary.”
Honestly though, this is very similar to my mom’s experience. She’s always been super bright, but has realized as she’s gotten older that intellectual pursuits just aren’t her jam. She dropped out of her PhD program to have kids, and although she has her master’s and was a pretty good school psychologist, she hated having to make huge decisions. She’s a church secretary now and loves it, and she’s GOOD at it; she’s letting her school psych certification permanently expire this year with zero regrets. If you can be anything you want, that includes the things we don’t tend to value as highly as a society. Not everybody is built for or wants the “respectable” careers.
My grandma did this to me, saying that i didn’t want to get stuck on the outside, making coffee and filing papers. The thing is, that’s exactly what I’ve always enjoyed the most, making and organizing things. That would be enough for me.
Nobody seems to realize that if you tell people they can be anything they want to be they will. And not everyone WANTS to be doctors or lawyers or CEOs or scientists. Sometimes, they just want to be a secretary.
it took me a LOT of therapy before i was able to shrug off the effects of the Gifted Child Upbringing enough to realize that what i really wanted to be was a house husband and Local Queerdad who writes novels sometimes. god, i’m so much happier now.
ain’t nothing wrong with an ordinary life. don’t let anybody tell you you have to be the top dog to be worth anything.
As a secretary for a therapy center—outside of like shitty people in and out of the office, the jobs lit af and you get to look as cute or as Un-cute as you want everyday and it’s totes fine ALSO FREE STATIONARY!!?!?!
Truly the dream.
I agree with all of this and I also feel like the extreme competition for most “respectable” jobs is manufactured by having such a two-tier economy that people are desperate for the financial freedom only a few jobs truly allow.
If someone actually enjoys retail (my mother) and you need retail people why does a retail worker have to be punished with starvation wages?
Also when a minimum wage job goes up to a living wage and someone I work with goes “haha that’s how much I make now I should go work for Dominos” I always just say if that’s what you want to do then you should! You must be so excited that you can! But they just shake their head or admit they’d hate that job. Because when they say that they don’t mean “I should work there and would if I could afford to!” They mean “that job and those people are below me and shouldn’t make my wage.”
In conclusion the entire idea of respectable jobs is bullshit. Do exactly what you want and fight to get what you deserve from it and don’t make anyone tell you you should do anything else.
The Spine, about Rex Marksley: Why does he always look like he’s walking in slow-mo?
Captain Albert Alexander: You see it too?
The Spine: And he always looks disheveled, but not too disheveled.
Captain Albert Alexander: Right? He’s the reason I believe in God.