Aspec Advice

four (in one) aspec idiots giving advice to other aspecs || mars (he/him) and ren (she/they)- there used to be four now there are two

[aspec-advice]

Ask us anything regarding aspec identity and such and we’ll try to coherently answer

Admin Information under the cut:

Hi! We figured we should probably introduce ourselves, so here we go (active admin are the first two listed :p)

Mars: Hi!! I’m mars!! My pronouns are he/him!! I am biromantic and acespec, I am a sex-favorable/neutral ace person and can answer questions both around asexuality and wanting sex as an asexual person!! I also know quite a bit about labels as I’ve been doing this for a couple years and can answer relatively specific questions if need be! Questioning your identity is hard but we’re here to make it just a little bit easier and hopefully give you some answers that make you feel more comfortable and confident! 

Ivy: hello hello! I’m Ivy, and I’m a disaster ace lesbian. I’m still trying to figure out all this gender shit, but right now I also use she/they pronouns. I’m also adhd and obsessed with big sweatshirts. Questioning is hard, and I want to help make that process easier for anyone going through it. I know a ton of different labels and microlabels from hyperfixating on aspec stuff, and I hope I can be of help! 

Star: hello all! I’m Star. I’m still figuring things out, but right now I use she/they pronouns. The one thing I am certain about is that I’m asexual. My romantic orientation is panromantic, but that is also subject to change. I know questioning is confusing, so I hope I can be of help to anyone who needs it. Have a lovely day! :)

Nyx: hi!! im nyx!! i use she/they pronouns and im a bi-oriented aroace. im so excited to answer any questions u guys have abt the ace and aro spectrums!! i started questioning about three years ago and finally figured myself out this year, so i get how stressful figuring out urself can be, which is why im so excited about this blog. a little bit more about me: im really loud, i like musicals, and im a pretty big fangirl. anyway i hope this blog helps as many people as possible!!

[aroace-ryland-grace]

hi aromantics and asexuals and aroaces. I love you.

[aspec-advice]

this might be kinda a weird question but is it normal to lowkey feel like my sexuality changes a bit with my hormone cycle?? like i have been confidently aroace for nearly 8 years now but recently every time im about a week away from my period i suddenly go lesbian mode and really desire a romantic and sometimes even sexual relationship. this is to the point where sometimes i have a hard time not downloading dating apps. I even lowkey find women more attractive in a sexual manner when this happens but thats pretty rare.

ofc its not really a sexuality change, my attraction doesnt change just my desires. i guess my question is just if this is normal and if its a terrible idea to ever pursue these desires if i only really feel them once a month

HI OMG THAT IS SO NORMAL like trust that is so so normal, it happens to the best of us unfortunately, i think it's literally just hormones being hormones yk. unfortunately i have no actual scientific answer for you but it is normal and if you want to pursue those desires go for it but if you know that you might regret it or like it's just not something you actually want to do don't do it but like there's nothing wrong with hooking up with someone or going on a date with someone just as long as you set the expectations that it's like a one time thing and don't like accidentally get into a relationship bc that would suck for you and them!

hope this helps!

mars

[fefe-the-cat]

“aros/aces can date/have sex too” as a way to coerce those who dont want to: bad. we dont do that. gross.

“aros/aces can date/have sex too” as a way to reassure romance/sex favorable/neutral aros/aces that they still have a spot in the community as long as they want it: good. do this. please.

[aromantic-diaries]

Okay let's get this straight.

"Asexuals can still have sex" does not mean that asexuals can begrudgingly put their sex repulsion aside and force themselves to please their partner. It means that because asexuality is simply defined as a spectrum of little to no sexual attraction and one's sexuality consists of many different factors other than attraction, such as sex drive and emotional connection, there are individuals on the asexual spectrum who can and do enjoy having sex even though they lack sexual attraction.

"Aromantic people can still date" does not mean that aromantic people can lie to themselves enough to go against their actual wants and get into a romantic relationship and pretend to be "normal". It means that because aromanticism is simply defined as a spectrum of little to no romantic attraction and human relationships are very much complex and romance itself is loosely defined, some aromantic people do in fact desire a romantic relationship while not experiencing romantic attraction because of other factors such as companionship and intimacy

[aspec-advice]

Hi again. A very long time ago I sent you a message asking about gender and you helped me realize I'm agender. I'm doing better nowadays then I was then and have moved away from my parents. My new question is now that I've known I was acesexual since I was about thirteen and I didn't realize people actually thought about sex as much as they show in tv. I thought I was aromatic but now I am questioning that because I am away from my parents and I have begun to heal and realize. Wow my parents fucked up any idea I had of a relationship while I was living with them. My problem is I don't think I could subject people into being in a relationship with me and I can't tell whether I just want company or a partner. I want someone to spend time with and I like spending money on the people I care about even if I don't got a whole lot. Problem arises in that I hate skin on skin contact and dislike the feeling of people touching me. I know it sounds like the most insane thing ever. I don't think it would be fair for me to subject someone to a relationship where I basically wouldn't touch them not even to cuddle. I still don't know whether aro but I think I'll maybe try a couple dates now that I'm out here. Thank you for your last advice. God I ranted alot but I had a lot to get off my mind.

hello! im so glad that you've been able to move away from your parents and have been happier because of that! personally, my parents fucked up my idea of a romantic relationship, it wasn't healthy in any way. however, i recognized that when i lived with them and my relationships have basically always reflected my idea of a relationship rather than my parents BUT i do understand that is a very challenging thing to do, like to separate what you've seen in a relationship and what you want your own relationships to look like. if somebody likes you and wants to be in a relationship with you, they will not be "subjected" to being in a relationship with you, they'll want to be and they'll understand your needs and adjust to them and potentially once you get more comfortable with someone your comfort levels in regard to touching may change. if you want to try dating i would say go for it just be as open as you can be in regard to your boundaries and what you want out of the dates/relationship. it's not fair to you or the person you're dating if you are not 100% truthful and open regarding boundaries because you or the person you're seeing could get hurt.

BASICALLY do what you want to do, be careful, be honest, set boundaries, and don't do anything that isn't fun for you!

mars

[aspec-advice]

Hi I am the person who asked ages ago about advice. I was the one who mentioned man in name. Thank you. That was a great step for me because while I am sticking with asexual and still on aro spectrum, I was definitely not cisgender. When you mentioned a gender way back then I clung to it as a way for me to make no changes but then I started getting called she occasionally and it felt really good. I now use she/her as my primary labels when I get a choice and thank you. Y'all got the ball rolling for me to accept myself so thank you all so much.

hi!!!!! im so so glad that the advice helped!!! im so happy that you're living your best and most true life now!! gender has always been an aspect in my relationship with sex and romance and so im glad that my advice was able to help you!!!!!!

have such an amazing time and enjoy all of the joy that comes with being happy in your identity!

mars

[aspec-advice]

Hey, I've been struggling with my sexuality for a little bit now and I was wondering if you could help me find a label for what I'm experiencing?

I mostly identify as cupiosexual because I don't feel sexual attraction but have sex with people anyways based on my sensual/aesthetic attractions. I've felt sexual attraction once in the past and it was towards someone after I had sex with them. I didn't think much of it until just a couple days ago I had sex with someone and afterwards I gained sexual attraction to them.

Is there a term for this? Not feeling sexual attraction until after having sex with someone? Would it just be demisexual? Definitely some form of greysexual but if there's something more specific I'd love to know about it.

Sorry if this wasn't an appropriate place to ask, thank you for your help!

hi! so i couldn't find anything about a specific label for describing sexual attraction after having sex with someone so i think greysexual would be the most accurate label for that, i think this could be labeled as demisexual given that you're creating a bond with someone in having sex with that person, so honestly i would say to just go with what you feel best about!

i hope this helps!

mars

[aspec-advice]

Thank you for still having this blog. I am the demisexual friend that found the post a couple of weeks ago. We're now in a QPR and I couldn't be happier. I genuinely didn't think my heart could be beat so much and have me smiling whenever I think about our relationship.

It may never make sense to people outside of it, but we understand it and I think that's all that matters. I love him truly and deeply in whatever way he needs. As a partner, a friend, a caregiver, anything.

So thanks again. And for any aspec person reading this, I hope you're doing well, and stay strong. We've got each other. 🩷

YAY IM SO GLAD!!!!!! im so glad that this blog is helping people become comfortable and happy in their identities!!! i am so happy for you guys and im so glad i could help!!!!! WE'VE GOT EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!

mars :D

[aspec-advice]

For a long time I have known I wasn't straight and gender has been weird for me. I evidently stuck with an asexual label and fairly certain on being aromatic. Honestly I don't understand my gender. I am not uncomfortable with any labels but don't know if I am a regular cisman. Honestly I think I could go either way. Most of it comes with me not wanting to change my username on other platforms or telling my family. Any advice? (Also I didn't think about the asexual loving garlic bread being so common) I don't know where I'm going with this or whether I should be anonymous or not. The username thing is because I have used something with man in user for 10ish years now.

hello!! i think if you're good with fucking around with pronouns and clothes and stuff and your friends are cool with that, that might be able to help you figure some stuff out. and like, regarding labels, you could go full triple A and go with agender bc it seems to me that's what you're describing- kinda like a lack of gender or gender neutral kinda. as for your username, you don't have to change it if you don't want to, out of convenience or literally whatever, it's up to you. same advice goes for your family, if you don't wanna tell them, don't tell them. basically, try out some new clothes and pronouns and stuff and go with what you like! i hope this helps, and if you have any other questions feel free to send another ask or reach out with like a dm or smth

mars

[aspec-advice]

Hi y'all! I need advice from other aspec people who might have experience with sexual/romantic relationships when you're not attracted to the person that way but you want to make them happy. So I've gotten really close to a friend I met through D&D, like I've told them things I haven't even discussed with my best friend and we have cuddled on the couch and everything. They are demisexual and I am aroace. A few days ago they told me that they have become sexually attracted to me (not romantically) and we had to stop being so physically affectionate so that they could have an easier time respecting my boundaries. They were worried I would be made uncomfortable by this, but I was actually really flattered and gender euphoric (I'm transmasc and they actually see me as a guy :). But it also made me sad because I was starting to really enjoy our closeness. Here's where I feel like I need advice: I don't want to mess up our friendship, but I still want to be physically affectionate (cuddling etc.). I am a bit sex repulsed but I think it's only when it comes to me receiving (kinda like a stone butch). I am curious to try kissing and stuff, but there's never really been a person I could experiment with without leading them on (aka making them think I'm wanting a romantic relationship or sex). I'm also not sure if I'm romance repulsed or not - sometimes romantic things ick me out but other times they are fine. If they caught romantic feelings for me that might also be weird for me, but I'm not sure because it's all theoretical. So my question is this: should I let my friend know that I might be willing to try some things with them (ofc we would need to have a long talk about specifics and boundaries)? Or would that be very likely to screw up our friendship? Because if the choice is to not be physically affectionate and stay friends or experiment sexually and lose them forever, I would 100% want to stay friends, sex is not that important to me. However if I could make them happy and continue to cuddle and be close to them as a friend, that would be ideal. I know there's risk attached to everything but if anyone has been in a similar situation it would be helpful to hear from you. 

HELLO!! hi you have come to the right place, last year i was hooking up with this guy who i was kinda friends with before and it didn't really change much about our friendship, but again, everyone's relationships are different. i think the best thing you could do in this scenario is just talk to them about it, if they are willing to try some things with you and you still want to do it, i would say go for it. if you're uncomfortable, or they're uncomfortable, with the ability for them to catch feelings for you, that is something that you should definitely discuss as well. basically, bring it up to them, talk about your boundaries and their boundaries, and decide whether or not trying things out together would be an okay thing to decide to do.

if anyone else has been in a similar situation, feel free to add on with your advice. as always, mine kinda boils down to as long as you're happy, comfortable, and express clear boundaries do whatever the fuck you want.

mars

[aspec-advice]

i suddenly feel huge impostorism about not being bi enough. i've known i was ace since forever and realised i was bi+ while in the monog relationship i'm still in today, not by actually being romantically attracted to people but because i realised i could technically picture myself with a partner of any gender (i know the potential for attraction to more than one gender is a definition of bi). once i admitted that to myself i actually started feeling physical attraction to people, thinking i wasn't ace after all for a bit. everything fell apart when i learned about other kinds of attraction and realised the physical attraction wasn't sexual but sensual, more in a "i'd make out with this person" way than a hugging and cuddling way because the last 2 are romantic to me. that's also when i realised i'm on the aromantic spectrum because i only ever experienced romantic attraction to one person who ended up being my partner to this day. and now here's the thing. my bi attraction has become less defined kinda? it's less about kissing now and more just feeling drawn to someone based on appearance but it feels like more than what people describe as aesthetic attraction? the attraction i feel is also not really anything i feel an urge to act on, it's just there. idk maybe that's because i'm in a monog relationship so my brain shut itself off from that. when i feel that attraction it does feel decidedly queer/bi though idk. i'd also feel like a liar calling myself biromantic because despite the potential for attraction definition i've only ever felt romantic attraction once towards one gender. i feel like i'm not bi enough and like i'm just holding on to this identity even though it doesn't actually belong to me, like i'm just making it into more than it is because what if it's always been nothing more but aesthetic attraction, not actually me being bi, what if the queer feelings about this attraction are just me trying to convince myself i'm bi when i'm not.

hello!!!! so my most basic advice would be to say fuck everything and identify how you want, if you don't think youre bi dont identify as bi! also like what is bi enough??? if you wanna identify as bi fucking do it dude nobody else's opinion of YOUR identity matters as long as you feel comfortable that's what matters. you seem to be in a loving relationship and if you feel more comfortable with bi as like a blanket identity then go for it but if you don't want to don't worry about it. how other people perceive you is not worth worrying about.

live your life how you want and dont worry about labels

mars

[aspec-advice]

I am so glad someone gets me😭 me and my gf are both hypersexual from our pasts (crazy combination being ace ik) and so we talk about so much stuff but I feel so gross at any mentions of doing stuff for real😭‼️

NO I GET YOU OMG talking abt stuff and actually doing stuff are like completely different beasts and one of them can be fully conquered while the other will eat me yk

mars

[aspec-advice]

From the anon who sent in that ask, I wasn't asking for labels but I do agree I somewhat relate to aegosexual as a label for myself ^^ , since my feelings towards sexual intimacy fluctuate so much depending on how I feel & other memories that pop up in the day its a bit confusing and I just prefer aceflux. but there's definitely a disconnect for me!

i 100% get you, label yourself how you want to!!! i absolutely do

mars

[aspec-advice]

fellow aspec friends, I have a question for y'all and anyone else reading this. Do you ever immerse yourself in fictional relationships when it comes to sexual stuff only because imagining going further with your partner makes you feel dirty and/or gross? I am somewhere on the ace spectrum (I just say aceflux) because it really depends, but especially lately my partner has been trying to go further and I've been having bad thoughts regarding us doing stuff together. But we talk about fictional characters/original characters having relations very, very often, and it doesn't make me feel as scared/dirty with myself about it. I just wondered if anyone else related and/or understood where I was coming from

HI OMG YES so ive had sex one (1) time and i was not as into it as the other person was which i thought was weird bc like fictional shit is fine for me but in real life it was absolutely not SO i totally get what you're saying. like the thought of actually doing sexual shit is really gross to me as well idk why or how but it just weirds me out but with fiction it's so fine idek. i absolutely understand where you're coming from woooo!!

mars

[popcorn-plots]

are you, perchance, aegosexual?

[aspec-advice]

if you are asking me i am not 👍HOWEVER i do think this person could be! if they like that label, i didnt think they were asking for advice in that regard just like a confirmation which is why i didnt lend any labels yk

mars

[aspec-advice]

fellow aspec friends, I have a question for y'all and anyone else reading this. Do you ever immerse yourself in fictional relationships when it comes to sexual stuff only because imagining going further with your partner makes you feel dirty and/or gross? I am somewhere on the ace spectrum (I just say aceflux) because it really depends, but especially lately my partner has been trying to go further and I've been having bad thoughts regarding us doing stuff together. But we talk about fictional characters/original characters having relations very, very often, and it doesn't make me feel as scared/dirty with myself about it. I just wondered if anyone else related and/or understood where I was coming from

HI OMG YES so ive had sex one (1) time and i was not as into it as the other person was which i thought was weird bc like fictional shit is fine for me but in real life it was absolutely not SO i totally get what you're saying. like the thought of actually doing sexual shit is really gross to me as well idk why or how but it just weirds me out but with fiction it's so fine idek. i absolutely understand where you're coming from woooo!!

mars

[aspec-advice]

Hi!

Do you have any coming-out tips?

The people around me already know I'm not a fan of sex, but they just don't seem to understand why. I need to come out to someone or I'll explode I don't want to keep it a secret forever

hello!! i absolutely do!!! my coming out tip would be to just say it, like if you're with all the people you care about you can just be like "hey btw im ace 👍" and then you've finally said it out loud to the people you love and therefore you will not explode. you could also do something really funny and throw a party that's like a baby shower except like a "your bloodline ends with me" party yknow. could be fun. genuinely though, i wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless you want to, just tell the people you care about and since it seems to me that they're fine with your disinterest in sex they'll be completely fine with you coming out to them.

i hope this helps!

mars