Despite being asexual i have a clinical fascination with sex and the attitudes that come with it. It's a funny little contradiction that just lends itself to my own oddities. And if im being honest, I'm wondering how I even ended up with such a radically open view of sex compared to what my mother and, theoretically, my father believe.
And when I say fascination with it I dont mean in a perverted sense, I mean it in an academic i-want-to-study-it-like-a-bug kind of clinical. Though considering the attitudes towards sex in the current day, let alone what it was in the past hundreds of years, I feel that its a given some people might see my fascination as a perversion rather than something academic. Perhaps it's both and not one over the other.
Despite the perception the viewer has of this post, my fascination still remains. In my worldview sex is a natural part of life and your reactions, whether favored or disfavored, are entirely valid and your own.
However, recently I watched a documentary on Netflix called Crip Camp that made me realize that the experiences I have as an asexual are often the exact opposite types of experiences the disabled have when it comes to sex.
In this documentary, a women with Cerebral Palsy named Denise Sherer-Jacobson recalls a story in her life where she had abdominal pain and went to the hospital to get it checked. The Doctors all assumed it had been appendicitis and removed her appendix, only to find it was not damaged or ill in any way. What she really had was an STD, but the doctors implicitly assumed someone with Cerebral Palsy wouldn't or couldn't be having sex.
Ms. Sherer-Jacobson, and the whole section about disabled teens and their normal teenage sexual exploration, brought forth a question in my mind. Why is it that our experiences are so similar, and yet so different? Why is it that allosexual and abled people assume that someone who looks "normal" must always be having sex or have sexual desire and someone who looks "abnormal" must not?
I can't count how many times someone has assumed that I must be faking my asexuality, or I haven't met the right person, or can't comprehend that im not attracted to anybody at all. When I express that though I am sex favored I do not feel sexual attraction, Im met with bewildered, confused, or shocked stares and questions pertaining to why I am this way. They feel sympathy for me, as if I am not fully human without the desire to fuck.
The aversion to the "abnormal" found in society targeted at the visibly disabled is particularly interesting through this lens. While I cannot say for certain, as I am not visibly disabled myself (high functioning adhd and -theoretically- autistic), I can say that based on the treatment of disabled people I know and the personal testimony in crip camp, the visibly disabled are often thought of subconsciously as less human and therefore not thought of. The same way that dogs might be an afterthought in city planning, so to is there an afterthought in wheelchair accessibility. Often inconvenient and difficult to navigate, accessibility options feel more like an afterthought than a priority.
And because the visibly disabled are thought of as less human or an afterthought in abled consciousness, invisible to the general senses, they are thus not deserving of sexual thought. This concept is what i refer to as an Asexual-by-default mindset when it comes to the sexualization (or rather, non-sexualization) of the obviously disabled. This type of thinking, this absence of sexual representation of the visibly disabled, leads to the assumption of the disabled as non-sexual beings by nature. A fallacy based on ingrained societal perception rather than fact, and the fact is that the obviously disabled ARE capable of being sexually beings.
However, on the flip side, someone who is not obviously disabled might have the exact opposite experience than they have, where they are the victim of a Sexual-By-Default mindset. Where someone who is not as visibly disabled are assumed to have sexual attraction. Similarly if you are not disabled in any way the same theory applies. Doubly so if you (to any abled or disabled degree) are deemed physically attractive enough.
And while someone can be considered visibly unattractive and therefore sexually unwanted or sexually unfavorable, there's still the distinct assumption that that person is still a sexual being by default and desires sex. Just cant get any. Or perhaps that even though you have taken a vow of celibacy, you still distinctly experience a desire for sex and sexuality. Why else, then, would a chastity vow be such a big deal for so many people if not for the fact its always assumed the able bodied person who vowed it must be struggling to keep said vow.
The normalization of a sexual by default view tends to be inherently hypocritical, as it excludes the visibly disabled and Asexuals in a way that is uniquely discriminatory and harmful. Like in the case of Ms. Sherer-Jacobson it can lead to medical misdiagnosis and un-needed medical procedures. Or in the case of an asexual, the othering of a whole person from both straight and LGBTQ+ spaces on the basis of not experiencing sexual attraction "the right way".
The invalidating of both the obviously disabled and Asexuals (on all walks of the spectrum respectively) is a serious societal issue that I dont think im fully qualified to address. I admit Im just a college student, who is able bodied and has no in depth experience in sexuality studies. I can only theorize on this based on my own personal experience and the testimony of those around me, but I feel that its an important conversation to have. These ideas probably arent even original, though I haven't encountered theory relating to this yet.
As i said before, my fascination with sex and sexuality comes from a place of academia, a desire to know more. If anyone has any resources about these topics, please send them my way! Whether it be studies, theoretical works, books, movies, etc. I would personally love to consume it. Thank you to those that have read this by the way. Its a passion rant of mine. Also, if anyone wishes for me to change the words I used for the type of disability in the post please let me know!