questioning aspec blog @aspecsnirvana - Tumblr Blog

99% of the time I'm fine with being aro/ace. If the struggles of my friends tell me anything it's that relationships/dating tends to cause them more problems than anything else. 99% of the time I'm fine with simply entertaining myself with imaginary romance. A moment where I'll imagine myself dancing and goofing off with whichever fictional character currently has my attention, the moment intimate but not sexual. I imagine what it might be like to love romantically in that moment, the music that spurred the daydream playing on the radio, a ghost smiling lovingly back at me through the mundane work of my job; a ghost that will never have a physical hand to hold, the love in their eyes nothing but a reflection of what I've seen in movies. And then the moment ends, and I feel an indescribable loneliness knowing that I can't feel that way with a real person. As much as I want to, my brain and heart have decided that's not for me. I can love my friends, I can love my family. But the love of a partner that makes your heart flutter and draws your eyes to their lips, your hands to theirs, the world seeming to slow around you... That's reserved for everyone else. All I have is the imaginary, and the ghosts in my head.

skaldish

Still bothered by the US cultural idea that men can only be non-romantically intimate with one another in war-like or competitive circumstances.

skaldish

I'm pretty quiet about the fact I'm a transman usually, but holy shit I need to tell you about the culture shock I'm going through because it's blindsiding me.

There's a huge sense of social isolation that comes with being perceived as male, because now people are subconsciously treating me as a potential predator. All strangers, no matter their gender, keep their guard up around me.

It made me realize that there is no inherent camaraderie in male socialization as there is in female socialization—unless, of course, it's in very specific environments. And the fact I don't amnbiently experience this mutual kinship in basic exchanges anymore is an insanely lonely feeling.

You know how badly this would have fucked my mind up if I had grown up with this?

skaldish

It is 4:30am and I'm mourning the loss of a privilege I didn't even know I had.

skaldish

Anyway, I'm going to figure out how to navigate this. Don't know how yet, but I'm gonna.

skaldish

Absolutely, because it's an extremely sticky issue.

Frankly, this is something I would've never understood without living the experience.

It's now blatantly clear to me that most cis men probably experience chronic emotional malnutrition. They're deprived of social connection just enough for it to seriously fuck with their psyches, but not enough for them to realize that it's happening and what's causing it.

It's like they're starving, but don't know this because they've always been served 3 meals...except those meals have never been big enough.

This deprivation comes from all sides of aisle, by the way.

In the case of women: When I'm out in public and interact with women, all of them come off as incredibly aloof, cold, and mirthless. I have never experienced this before even though I know exactly what this composure is—the armor that keeps away creepy-ass men.

As someone who used to wear it myself, I know this armor is 100% impersonal. Nobody likes wearing it, and I can say with absolute certainty that women would dump the armor in favor of unconditional companionship with men if doing this didn't run the risk of actual assault. (Trust me when I say women aren't just being needlessly guarded.)

But I only have a complete understanding of this context because I've experienced female socialization. If I hadn't, I would've thought this coldness was a conspiracy against me devised by roughly half of the human population. Even now, with all that I know about navigating the world as a woman, I'm failing to convince my monkey-brain that this armor isn't social rejection.

And as for male socialization? Again, it seems taboo for a man to be platonically intimate with men for reasons I have yet to fully understand, but I think it boils down to a) the fact society teaches boys that it's not okay to be soft with each other, and b) garden-variety homophobia. Our media only shows men being intimate with one another when they're teamed up against a dire situation, and I'd bet real money it's a huge reason why men gravitate toward activities that simulate being teamed up against an opposing force.

But men are not machines of war. Yes, testosterone absolutely gives you Dumb Bastard Brain, but that just makes you want to skateboard a wagon down a hill or duct-tape your friend to the wall, not kill someone.

The human species looks so much colder standing from this side.

I can see how men might convince themselves that their feelings of emotional desperation is personal weakness as opposed to a symptom they're all experiencing from White Imperialism. Because this human connection, this frith, is as essential for our wellbeing as water is.

So sick. How sick. I want to destroy this garbage.

#gender roles

supraobsessed

I figured it out!!!!!!!

I am a romance favorable aromantic who wants a platonic partner to preform romance with!!!!!! I also would be fine with a allo who's cool with the fact I'm aro to be partner with me and let me preform all the romance with them!!!

I find romance fun!! I think Valentine's Day is fun!!! I think dates and romantic rituals are cool and I would like to do them!! I don't wanna be allo!!! I am not interested at all in experiencing romantic attraction!!!!

I don't think I would be happy in a qpr or a platonic relationship if I was unable to do romantic things with my partner!!! I expreaince a strong desire to preform romantic rituals and behaviors!!! Its so strong that I used to confuse it for attraction!!! It's not romantic attraction, but emotional attraction with the added powerful desire of preforming romance!!!!

I love preforming romantic rituals with my friends and I also got emotional attraction crushed on them all the time but it isn't the same as having a committed relationship and designated person to emotionally with and preform romance with!!!!!!! That's romance in a strictly platonic context!!!! My idea is still in a context of this is what a romantic relationship looks and acts like except neither party experiences romantic attraction!!!!! That is everything I want!!!!

I am happy in my identity and I don't wish I was any different!!!!!!!!! I don't want to be allo or romance repulsed!!! I wanna kiss my partner on the cheek and call them babe and confuse everyone when we say we aren't romantically involved!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does anyone else feel like this? Or know if there's a word for this?

From what I see, Cuiporomantic means wanting to actually be in a romantic relationship and be allo romantic, and that's distinctly not me. I don't wanna be allo romantic at all. And Bellusromantic means liking romantic things outside the context of romance, which also isn't me. The romantic context is what makes doing romantic rituals and behaviors fun! I don't find doing romantic things with an allo person repulsive, and if I wanted to do romantic things in a strictly platonic "god I hope no allo assumes we're dating" sense I would go do it with my friends.

I wanna know if there's people like me!

I looked around and couldn't find them which made me pretty sad but im hoping describing the way I expreaince emotional (alterous?) attraction will help me find anyone out there like me :))

brokemindinside

My Reaction to the BBC Radio 1.

The fact Tom Hardy in an interview said "We've always approached them like a married couple, and they are kind of asexual"

Me:

Holy shit, did he just say that? XD

As someone who plays Eddie/Venom as a roleplayer. Listening to Tom talk about the movie is just mwa, and what a good soul Tom is.

i-am-shitpost

I will not be taking constructive criticism

#elsa #headcanons

tontonguetonks

💜🤍🖤 Asexual Scholarship: A Running Reference List 🖤🤍💜 NOTE: APA 7th ed. citations to the best of my ability, but I’m certain they’re not a

For anyone interested, I’ve put up a running list of articles/books on asexuality on a google doc. It’s open to the public to edit, so if you’re itching to share your findings, please do!

🍪

Every reblog gets you a cookie

valerieg3

I’ve been working on this master list of asexual publications since 2015, and it’s up to date as of late 2019 (when I lost my university access to academic papers).

It has over 140 scholarly papers/books listed, but they’re not organized in any particular way, mostly just in the order that I found them.

You’re welcome to add to my list, or add my list to the one listed above if you’d like.

#scholarly resources

tontonguetonks

💜🤍🖤 Asexual Scholarship: A Running Reference List 🖤🤍💜 NOTE: APA 7th ed. citations to the best of my ability, but I’m certain they’re not a

For anyone interested, I’ve put up a running list of articles/books on asexuality on a google doc. It’s open to the public to edit, so if you’re itching to share your findings, please do!

🍪

Every reblog gets you a cookie

#academic resources #look at the reblog there is a whole spreadsheet

asexyattorney

Happy international asexuality day!

Here are my top 5 characters that I personally head-canon as ace:

5. Sheldon Cooper - The Big Bang Theory

I know that TBBT is kind of problematic in many aspects but I really liked it when I was younger and I think Sheldon was always aro-ace coded. Then they introduced Amy and I really enjoyed their dynamic so I thought well maybe he could be allo-romantic after all but he is definitely still asexual. Then the show had to go and "fix" him ... but despite the show itself being kind of shitty about it, I still see Sheldon as ace.

4. Sherlock

This is the same as Sheldon basically just maybe a little less problematic since they never really say if he's ace or not. I think he is either aro-ace or gay for John.

3. Odo - Star Trek Deep Space Nine

He has a whole monologue about how Troi's flirting makes him uncomfortable (to which Sisko reacts ... very badly), explaining how he just doesn't get attraction as a concept, sexual or romantic. And then they proceeded to give him several love interests including the shows biggest lesbian. Oh and have I mentioned the deeply uncomfortable sex scenes? Oh boy why is the literal blob of space goo not allowed to be ace?

(Look at how comfortable he looks)

2. Entrapta - She-Ra and the Princesses of Power

I just love her so much. She is very aro-ace coded and since she never has a canon relationship other than whatever she has going on with Hordak (which seems more platonic to me tbh), I guess it's not not canon.

1. Miles Edgeworth - Ace Attorney

To absolutely nobody's surprise, first place goes to a literal Ace Attorney. There really is nothing straight or allosexual about this man - you cannot convince me otherwise. I respect everyone head-canoning him as aromantic, but I love narumitsu so I will always see him as gay.

#ace headcanons

missewoodhouse

A-spec Headcannon - Jo March (Little Women)

Can we talk about Jo March? Because I feel like she is some really stellar Aro-Ace representation who’s been staring me in the oblivious face, waiting for me to catch on for way too long. I know we can never really have ‘word of god’ confirmation/denial on this one, since Louisa May Alcott is long dead, but let’s just think about it. There is some definite queer coding with Jo, and while I think there are any number of valid interpretations for how we, or Alcott, might classify Jo’s gender identity, that’s not the aspect I’m going to focus on here (I’m sticking with she/her pronouns for this post because that’s what is used in the text). What I want to talk about are Jo’s relationships.

Most people seem to be in agreement that Jo’s relationship with Professor Bhaer isn’t exactly presented as being full of romance. Whether they’re in the Jo-and-Laurie camp (may I suggest Anne of Green Gables as an alternate reading choice?), the Jo-is-probably-attracted-to-women camp (who, exactly?), or just the Louisa-May-Alcott-was-being-a-grump-when-she-wrote-that camp, most people also tend to see that as a bad thing. I disagree. I do think their marriage is framed as closer to a friendship/business partnership than a great romance or a passionate need to fall into bed together, I just happen to think that sounds like a pretty nice ending for Jo. I mean, they challenge each other, they care very much for each other, and they’re taking on a major life project (the school at Plumfield) together - those are some pretty solid QPR goals. Is there a little bit of Alcott thumbing her nose at the publisher? Sure, but at the same time, she gives Jo an ending that I would imagine Alcott (the spinster authoress) being content with herself – something that’s unconventional, and really wonderful.

What’s also really wonderful is that Jo is about as far as possible from the trope of the robotic aro-ace. She’s headstrong, passionate, complex, flawed, boundary-pushing, and full of emotion. She loves deeply and non-romantically. Her love for all of her sisters is obvious, as is the love she feels for Laurie as a friend and pseudo-brother. When Laurie pushes to take things in a romantic direction and Jo turns him down, she is as heartbroken by the loss of his friendship as he is by her rejection.

Both at Meg’s wedding and again when he proposes, Laurie tells Jo that she’ll fall in love and marry someday, and both times, she vehemently denies it, saying she wants to become the family’s old maid, that she’s got other priorities, that she doesn’t want all that. This is a familiar conversation for many of us on the ace- and/or aro-spectrums, who have been told over and over that we’ll understand romance and/or sexual attraction when we’re older, and grow up find that “nope – still don’t.” Jo clearly doesn’t buy into the hierarchical value we culturally place on romantic love, asking why people have to ruin perfectly good current relationships – ones of family or friendship – by doing something so messy as pursuing a romance.

As an a-spec who isn’t sure whether I want a romantic partner in my future, Jo strikes me as revolutionary and awesome in ways that didn’t really register as a kid (I liked her, but always identified more with Anne Shirley and her need for puffed sleeves than I did with the more tom-boy Jo). May we all have love-filled lives like Jo March. Unique, fulfilling, and unapologetic.

@fuckyeahasexual

#jo March #honors thesis

ur-fav-fights-terfs

Bilbo Baggins, The Hobbit Asexual, aromantic

#honors thesis

fuckyeahasexual

Can we all claim Hawkeye as the Marvel aroace, cause he's heavily purple and uses a bow and arrow?

Love me some disabled rep too

#honors thesis

hebrideanopaleye

Newt Scamander gets straight A’s - aro, ace, agender, autistic!

You can use these however you wish, that’s what they’re there for :)

#newt scamander #honors thesis

thegeminisage

additions & modifications to this list can now be found in the ace character post tag. keep it going!!

here is a list of other characters besides breath of the wild zelda (who i already mentioned is demisexual) who are on the aro/ace spectrum also written by Me, An Asexual™:

sans & papyrus from undertale (aro/ace, toby fox told me so himself behind a walmart dumpster)

varric tethras from dragon age (asexual and ???romantic, It’s Complicated™ with bianca - but he could be aro/ace because he’s an arrow ace!)

josephine montilyet from dragon age (asexual and biromantic, only romance-able character with no sex scene aside from solas who i could also make a decent case for)

the real sherlock holmes, bbc’s queerbaiting bullshit can kiss my queer ass (also aro/ace, do i even need to explain this one, the oldest aro/ace character Ever)

lightning farron (aromantic & homosexual, one of the only ff protags not to get ANY sort of romance arc, not even HINTS, has enough trouble with feelings without bringing romance into it)

katniss everdeen from the hunger games (aro/ace as evidenced by her complete ????? when she was trying to play up her romance on camera)

erik lensherr from xmen (demisexual and biromantic, dude can carry on a relationship w/ someone long enough for them to get fridged but you never see him initiate it unless he’s trying to manipulate someone)

castiel from supernatural and DON’T laugh at me for still having supernatural opinions (asexual, ???romantic, doesn’t really get sexual attraction like at all but he still loves dean winchester)

speaking of supernatural, claire novak from @cambionverse (aro, mostly heterosexual but possibly with some bi leanings she doesn’t want to act on for personal reasons) ben collins is aro/ace, jesse turner is maybe demisexual but panromantic

derek hale from teen wolf, don’t laugh at me for still having teen wolf opinions either!! (asexual, possibly demisexual but not aromantic, while he has no problem falling in love he almost never initiates sexual encounters and seems uncertain in them & while this may be because he was sexually abused (that thing w/ kate was abuse, don’t test me) i prefer to think it’s because he doesn’t experience sexual attraction or only experiences it rarely/only for ppl he really cares about)

natasha romanoff from the mcu (aromantic bc in general everything she’s been thru has kinda fucked her ability to figure out feelings. not asexual tho, likes to bang)

lucy penvensie from narnia (aro/ace, it just never interested her even in the timeline where she grew up)

toph from avatar (aromantic, didn’t seem that bothered by the fact that it didn’t work out w/ her husband & never really got with anybody else)

hannelore ellicott-chatham from questionable content (not sure where on the spectrum she is but this is Canon)

merida from brave (aromantic as evidenced by her total lack of interest in marriage even as a someday thing, POSSIBLY asexual as well since she’s in her midteens and seemingly has yet to show that kind of interest in anyone)

L from death note (has anyone ever embodied “cake > sex” so well in their entire lives? no i didn’t think so)

luna lovegood from harry potter (demisexual, typically not interested until she forms a connection with someone)

technically i also think jkr said somewhere charlie weasely was aro/ace bc he’s too busy thinking about dragons

remus lupin from harry potter is queer but he also gives me gray-ace vibes it’s difficult to say.

faith connors from mirror’s edge (aro and possibly on the ace spectrum as well, too busy saving the world and doing kickass parkour to care about all of that)

and there’s nothing you can do about it (ง'̀-‘́)ง fite me

& also pls reblog with YOUR Asexual Faves™

#honors thesis #aroace headcanon

lotsofquestionslimitedanswers

Asexual Headcanons (The Witcher)

It could be interesting (to me) if some of our favorite Witcher characters were asexual.

An asexual Yennefer who was excited to experience love and sex but found herself disappointed time and time again because she didn't feel what she thought she was supposed to feel.

An asexual Geralt who is so touch-starved that even though he's sex-neutral he'll do it just to be held.

An asexual Jaskier who falls in love so easily and has sex because he thinks that love=sex even though he doesn't experience sexual attraction. (But does tend to have a good time even if he doesn't care much about sex.)

This is a fun headcanon. Not something I'm saying is a fact.

#honors thesis

wordswithkittywitch

The Cake-Card-Dragon Theory of Asexuality

This is something I’ve been sitting on for almost a year, and I have to accept that it’s never going to express exactly what I want it to express, especially if I don’t share it with other people with other experiences that could expand on it. These are different types of asexuals I’ve seen in the community and different types of characters who frequently get headcanoned as asexual.

That being said, I can see how this might get oversimplified to “asexuals with feminine/neutral/masculine gender expression” but I want to emphasise it’s not actually about gender expression.

Cakes

Cakes are the asexuals who can be seen enjoying their food, playing with bath bombs, and dressing up in fabulous clothing such as lolita or new romantic. Cakes are likely to joke about “It took me three hours to get into this outfit, I’m not taking it off for anyone!” Cakes may feed into the stereotype that asexuals are prissy or stuck up, or they may get a bit continental with their kisses: a friendly greeting rather than an expression of romance. Sometimes both. They are likely to express passions, but usually towards food or comfortable living. People with a poor understanding of asexuality might say that they are replacing sex with other sensual pleasures, but that’s a very silly thing to say because allosexuals can enjoy food, fashion, and self-care just as much as asexuals.

Fictional Examples of Cakes:

The Eighth Doctor

Aziraphale

Bilbo Baggins

Cards

Cards are the asexuals who come off as intellectual and cold, even if their areas of expertise are far from the usual “intellectual pursuits”. A card is usually ready to verbally smack down people who don’t believe in asexuality with statistics, facts, and explanations of how their debating opponent has a very shaky grasp on biology. However, they may feel extremely frustrated or bored having these conversations over and over again and are rarely shy in expressing that. Cards sometimes, but not always, can present themselves as androgynous to some degree, but are usually neat and tidy in their fashion. They are also likely to be very funny people, often with dry or absurd humour. They are likely to express confusion or dismay over their allosexual friends’ behaviour, either out of genuine confusion or a rhetorical technique to try and get those who feel sexual attraction to examine their own thought processes. A card may find themselves “looking into the camera as if they’re on The Office” whether they’re a real person or not. Cards feed into the stereotype that asexuals are too absorbed by mental concerns to even be aware of their bodies. Fictional characters headcanoned as cards are often also headcanoned as autistic, but one does not necessarily preclude the other, not in fiction or real life. People with a poor understanding of asexuality might say they seem inhuman or mechanical, but cards are some of the first people to point out that a biological process shared by the entire animal kingdom is not a very good gauge of humanity.

Fictional Examples of Cards:

Sherlock Holmes

Spock

Katniss Everdeen

Dragons

Dragons are the asexuals who got really annoyed when they found out what Netflix and Chill meant, because they were ready with the blankets and popcorn. If cakes dress fancy and cards dress sharply, then a dragon dresses for comfort. They often don’t care about their clothing at all, or if they do it’s ironically or simply flying in the face of what many would consider stylish; ie. “Look at my ridiculous hat! Isn’t it the best!” Especially if said ridiculous hat is worn with their most lived-in jeans and a sweatshirt. Dragons are likely to start listing off all their interests and joke that they simply don’t have the time to be interested in sex as well. They might do this four hours into lying on their stomach watching Netflix, but those four hours of Netflix were well-spent. Often, dragons can be perceived as or wonder themselves if they are too attached to their possessions, but this is because they have decided to fill their lives with that which makes them happy, regardless of how that appears. If a dragon wants to sleep with thirty stuffed animals because they’ve been given a new one for every birthday, they aren’t going to let being thirty get in the way of cuddling their stuffed animals. Dragons may feed into the stereotype that asexuals are childish or hyperfocused on frivolous pursuits, but they can be wonderful friends because they’re fun to be around and they are just as likely to hoard a person as an item: if a dragon decides you’re one of their favourite people, they can be the most ride-or-die friend you have. If they’ve fully accepted that their life is fulfilled from interests they’ve chosen themselves, dragons can be some of the happiest people you’ve ever met. Of course, some people may say that they’re also some of the strangest people you’ve ever met, but no one consciously picks normal over happy. People with a poor understanding of asexuality might say dragons never properly grew up, but this is less a problem with the dragons and more a problem with how society expects adults to be boring and miserable.

Fictional Examples of Dragons:

Charlie Weasley

Jughead Jones

The Eleventh Doctor

#I’m a dragon