Leaving an Abusive Relationship
I blog a lot about my experience in leaving my narcissistic ex husband. It definitely wasn’t easy. As a result, I get a lot of PM’s from others on the subject. Often they are just seeking some support or advice on healing. However I get a lot of PM’s saying they are still in their relationship and need help leaving. I’ve always addressed these privately in PM. It’s a sensitive topic. Tonight I was asked if I had ever written out tips or advice on how to leave. Leaving is not a one size fits all event, however I do think it’s a good idea to put some ideas out there. For every PM I get I am very aware that there are others who are too shy or don’t feel comfortable coming out of the shadows.
1. First, if you are in danger.. don’t worry about these steps, just get out. Go to a hotel, to a shelter, to the police station.. whatever you have to do. If you fear for your safety… Do whatever you have to. Just get out. If that means hopping in the car and driving until you have no money left.. do it. But take cash out of the ATM before you leave so you can’t be tracked. If you have children, I can’t recommend that route. If you are caught you WILL lose those children and they will be stuck in that abuse. It isn’t a risk I can recommend.
2. If there is not quite the immediate danger. There are things I recommend doing before you leave if you can.
A. Put some money aside. Even if all you can set back is enough for a couple nights at a cheap motel. The more you can set back the better. You will have to get creative in where you store that money. I had a baby. I put my money inside a baggie and stored it at the bottom of the diaper wipes. He never changed a single diaper, so I knew it was safe there. Another option may be the tampon box, or at the bottom of your cleaning supplies, maybe with the spare tire in your car. In some states you can open a separate bank account and they would have no access to it. Check the laws where you live. Personally I found it better to have the money on hand. I wasn’t dependent on the ATM working or being able to get out as much as I needed.
B. Talk to very trusted friends and family. Don’t talk to ANYONE who is also friends with the abuser. Don’t have an expectation to retain any mutual friends between the two of you. If you do, great, but wait a while before you trust any of them with information. I was burned pretty badly by someone who promised inside the sanctuary of our church, that she wasn’t picking sides and just wanted to be there for me. She had been my best friend for over a decade. Don’t trust anyone who could possibly take the abusers side. But.. you do need to build your support system. Talk to those people whom you’re 1000% certain will stand by you.
C. Call you local RDAP center. (Rape and Domestic Abuse) This is what they specialize in. You don’t have to have been raped. or beaten for them to help. They are well aware that Domestic Abuse takes many forms. They have a lot of resources they can help you find. They also have counselors and they can help you come up with a plan to leave. They should be able to recommend attorneys, sit with you in court, and help you through getting a restraining order if you need it.
D. Make a plan. Where can you stay? Will you need a new job? Who is hiring? If a friend offers their place, be careful with accepting that. If you are worried your ex will come after you or them, you don’t want to put someone in danger.. certainly not without them being fully aware of the risks. Check out shelters in your area. That is what I used and honestly.. it was an amazing experience for me and my girls. However, not all shelters are the same. .so check them out. Family is sometimes an option. Make sure outside light bulbs have been recently changed so you won’t have to risk going inside in the dark. Make sure windows are locked, make sure everyone locks the home securely every single time. Keep a flashlight by your door. Not only because you may need it to see out, but a large one could potentially be used as an unsuspicious weapon. To find your closest Women’s Shelter call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) It is a 24 hour hotline.
E. If you haven’t worked, you will probably qualify for assistance. While you can’t really apply until you’ve left, you can make sure that you have everything you will need when the time comes so that you can get help as quickly as possible. For instance, you will need Birth Certificates and Social Security Cards for you and your children. You will need proof of income and proof of residency. They will want to know about assets. How much is your car worth. If you’re leaving the home, you don’t have to claim your home.. just explain you’ve left your ex.
F. Contact an attorney. I recommend this before you actually leave if you can. They know your local laws, they know the local judges, and they can tell you if the plan you’re making is a good idea for court. For instance.. if you have children, don’t leave the state. It will work against you. If you can’t afford an attorney, there are often still some options. Most (Not all.. mine was no help) areas have legal aid that can assist with divorce. Sometimes they only assist in cases of Domestic Abuse. Sometimes you can also find an attorney pro bono. It doesn’t hurt to look into it. The RDAP center hopefully can help in this search.
G. Collect any evidence that you can now. Once you leave, you are not going to have access to everything you do now. If he drinks, get receipts, get pictures or video. If he rants and screams and you’re able to.. record it. Either video or audio, but only if you can do this safely. Get copies of bank statements now. My bank charges $25 per month for them. If he misspends money, get the evidence. Get tax documents for at least the last 3 years. It will be important when figuring out child support, and alimony if that applies. Pictures of the home are important. Either to show that he is a slob if he or.. or that you are not. If he claims that you left the house a wreck all the time, you want to be able to prove him wrong. Make a list of everything you own. It’s hard to make this list 6 months after you leave and you can’t remember what was in each room. If you can, get the value for things. If you don’t know what a tool is called, take a picture and ask a friend or ask someone online. Otherwise you’re trying to describe it and assign a value to it.. it doesn’t work in court. If you have bruises or visible injuries.. TAKE PICTURES!!
H. Get a secondary cell phone. Memorize important numbers for your safe people. If the abuser won’t leave your number alone, you can block them.. but all they have to do is call from another number. More importantly though, you need privacy as you plan to leave. You also don’t want to risk them taking your phone. The last thing you want is for your attorney’s number to show up on your cell phone bill, or for the ex to go through your phone. Keep the phone in a safe place. Password protect it. It’s also a good idea to hide a secondary set of keys somewhere. Get one of those magnetic boxes and hide it under your car or in the trunk.
I. If you use the internet to do any research, go to the library or some other safe place if possible. Have your safe friends research things for you if that’s an option. Make sure whatever activity you have though isn’t trackable. Keep everything off social media. If they hack your account you don’t want them reading your messages.
J. If you think you would qualify for a credit card… take one out. Use a friends address or PO Box so it isn’t sent to your home. It will help to have something to rely on if you need it. Do not have their name anywhere in the application. If their income is your sole income this may not be an option for you.
K. Pack a bag for you and your kids. Just a few days worth of clothes. Keep it at your safe persons house. If you need to leave in a hurry, don’t stop to get clothes. Don’t stop for anything except the kids. Just go. But try to have these things set aside somewhere in case that happens.
3. Even if they’ve never been physical before, the most dangerous time for someone is when they leave an abusive relationship. One of the biggest reasons many people stay, is because they are afraid to go. Even when there hasn’t been physical abuse in the past.. you instinctually know it’s dangerous. Not to mention, you’ve likely heard threats. I know I did. So when you do leave.. it needs to be as safe as possible. If you’ve contacted an attorney and plan to have them served, make sure they are served away from the home. If you’re staying, wait for them to leave and have the locks changed. The house should be completely locked.. but do not plan for you or your children to be home that night. Also, do NOT send them to grandmas. If he shows up.. legally, unless the abuser was served with something granting you custody, they can walk in and take the kids from grandma and she has no recourse. Even so.. it’s better for them to be somewhere they don’t expect them to be and wouldn’t check. How the court handles that differs for each state and sometimes county. So you need to know ahead of time what arrangements you need to make. Follow whatever your attorney recommends regarding visitation between serving and getting a temporary order. Whether staying in the home or leaving, the first few nights especially need to be spent in as safe a place as possible. Rely on your local resources to help you with those decisions.
4. If you need to schedule a time for him to come get his things, do not be shy about requesting police presence. Even if it seems silly, maybe the person has never been physical.. request it. Have the police there. When an abuser realizes they are really losing control, they are far more likely to escalate. It is better to have the police there and not need them than to need them and not have them.
5. Ask those close friends and family members to write affidavits for you. They need to be short and to the point. You don’t want to annoy or piss off your judge with 50 pages of “I never liked the ex, I think he’s a jerk.” They aren’t interested in drama.. they want facts. So if you have a friend who can testify that you’re a good parent, your kids are well cared for, clean and well fed. They behave relatively well when with you etc… that is what you need. Unless they have witnessed abusive or questionable behavior from the ex, they need to focus on you and not them. It can be telling however.. if they’ve never seen the ex interact with the kids.. they can say that. One comment. They don’t need to spell out what that means. This worked for me.. it also worked for my mom. When she was asked why she thought she should have custody, she talked about how close she was to all of us. The meals we liked, the clothes we preferred, music, hobbies, interests. She talked about giving us baths when we were younger, the ways she successfully disciplined etc. When my dad was asked… he badmouthed my mom. His focus wasn’t on what we needed or who we were. His focus was on making her look bad. Judges and court officials know you don’t think well of each other. Otherwise you wouldn’t be divorcing. It is absolutely ok to bring up abusive behavior IF it is something physical or tangible. If it something that ban be proven, the court is interested. However in the event of emotional or psychological abuse.. there is no proof. It won’t really do you any good to say he was mean. Again though.. your attorney knows the judges in your area.. follow their advice here. One of the best affidavits I had was from my pediatrician. He’d never been to an appointment. But she could say that I was receptive to her advice, the girls were clean and well behaved and that she’d witnessed loving behavior from me to them.
6. Grey Rock. Read this for those times you have to interact. https://delightfulsubgirl.tumblr.com/post/181145551274/grey-rock-is-a-method-used-when-dealing-with-an
7. Self care. This is going to be really hard. Don’t forget your self care. You need to take care of yourself so that you can be as strong as you need to be every step of the way. Drink lots of water. Small amounts of exercise if you can. Long hot baths. A manicure. Read a book. Light a candle.. sit for 5 mins with a cup of decaf tea at the end of the day. Eat healthy… go to the Dr. Please, please, take care of yourself.
8. Educate yourself. Spend time on your case. Research, talk to other people who’ve been there. I recommend the Facebook page OneMomsBattle as a great resource. You can ask questions in PM there and she will post it anonymously for others to weigh in on. The woman who runs it is named Tina Swithin, she has written books that I’ve heard amazing things about. She describes her divorce as a Category 5 Divorce. However she has managed to win full custody of her girls, and just this year, she won the ultimate battle to protect her girls in terminating her ex’s rights as a father. Also check out online support groups for those recovering from narcissistic abuse.
I want to point out, that I am not anti-father’s rights. I am not pro-mom. I am pro-child. Whatever the children need. If the ex is truly a good parent, then by all means they should have the ability to parent. In the case of narcissism, they are never truly good parents. They may be able to put on the show for a while, but their true colors will eventually shine. However, courts do not take emotional abuse seriously, and forget about spiritual abuse. Courts won’t touch it. All of this is based on my own experiences here in the US. Also.. I tried really hard to use non gender terms… because this is not solely a male issue.. however my ex is a male, and thus far the case of every person I’ve talked to in PM.. so if I slipped anywhere it wasn’t intentional. When I have more time I can proofread it and make any changes where I see this, but please don’t sent me hate asks or PM’s pointing out women can be narcs also. I absolutely agree! I have known men who found themselves in these circumstances. I’ve known far many more women though. Statistically, men are more likely to be a narcissist than a woman. The asshole disease knows no gender though.
PLEASE!!! If you have tips or advice to add to this… PLEASE add it!! So many people need help in leaving toxic and abusive relationships. I know I have a lot of followers who would really appreciate any advice, support or help you can offer.
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