Astro Chisme

shake the baby, don't stir: astrological commentary on everything

[astro-chisme]

First Date with a Leo/Virgo Cusp

Gorgeous hair. Just gonna say that right away

“Let me take you out.”

Y’all, she meant it.

Literally lavish yourself with the meal + bottomless mimosas. Trust that she meant to spoil/treat you, because she did

Champagne drunk and linking arms and going to the bookstore

Pick out books for her

Encourage her to get the genre she loves

Impulse-get dinner after a 5-hour hang

Fucking. Crab legs. Yes

Grocery shopping for her favorite cucumber

End up back at her place for her to make said cucumber

Too tired etc to make cucumber dip. Sit on sofa and chat about nothing

Maybe you make a dick of yourself? Mental note to not drink

She walks you to the train, tells you to text when you get home, and that you both will see each other soon

Chivalry isn’t dead, it’s just gay now

[astro-chisme]

Happy Cancer Season

[astro-chisme]

Comedy, But Make It Aquarian

HBO Max has a new special from Julio Torres, a self-admitted Aquarius.

His special is just so…

It’s so aggressively Aquarian and just brilliant for it.

Please watch his special, Shapes. It’s worth it as an experience.

Plus, you know, he’s pretty funny.

[astro-chisme]

Taurus: Dating

• will tell you if they’re being exclusive with you

• won’t use titles unless exclusive

• literally too blunt to bullshit

• also too blunt to decipher bullshit - will take what you say at face value, so be careful! but be direct

• really just here to vibe with you

• if they don’t love food, then they love weed. or alcohol. or random drugs. or all of it. will have a favorite of these, but it’s probably weed > food idontmaketherules

• very very good in bed, and thorough. if you need a new move, they’ll practice solo to be able to produce (probably some air influence with them if this is the case, tbh)

• they’ll change a lot for you if they love you; if in love they really do want to give you what you need. i think their ideal would be someone that’s also kind of a vice, someone they get drunk off of. think lazy lo-fi playing off a bluetooth in the background while you hold each other on a bed maybe too small for you on sheets you meant to wash but you both got distracted, and outside your window is gray and cloudy, which makes your room feel fuzzy and is part of why you’re both gently drifting off to sleep at 2 pm. that’s the lazy love they reach for

[astro-chisme]

Opinion on Sun Aries (12th House), Moon Cancer(4th House), Aries Rising, Mars Capricorn(10th house) Venus Pisces (11th house)?❤️

A gaslighting powerhouse of a human being. Super competitive, super sore loser (unless they miraculously mature, but an amab I sincerely don’t expect to grow out of this since patriarchal systems won’t force them). Wants to be little spoon but will struggle with that (Cancer moon 4H/Mars Cap 10H). Doesn’t take breakups well. Gets mean if rejected (I think all Cap placements do tbh unless there’s some Aquarius energy to make them detached, but with this much Aries/Cancer/Cap energy…) Pisces Venus with all of this energy just makes me think this person will make up the love story in their head, and all the other placements on top of adds to my feeling like they truly won’t take it well if you don’t match the ideal they’ve written. Prepare for a lot of long exhausting fights.

Aries rising - what you see is what you’re gonna get with this person: they don’t know how to be anything other than loud af in all ways.

Overall, probably an easy person to love (Cap/Aries energy always leaves a lot to be admired) but could be a very difficult person to be with

[astro-chisme]

opinion on scorpio sun (10th house), leo moon (7), libra mars (9), scorpio mercury (9), cap venus (11/12 cusp i guess) and scorpio mc 🌝

Ohhh! This looks fun. My take:

- Scorpio sun (10H): super secretive about ambitions, most likely to be blindly passionate about goals and are very direct when they’re ready to go for an opportunity. The type to leave for a passion project, which they’ll make successful. Could be blind to certain things in their quest of succeeding at their passion project/career and a little shameless, which may or may not bite them later. Also the sort to get emotionally wound up and use all of their resources to lash out at someone else, and will never apologize. If their comeuppance happens, will feign ignorance if they’re left weaponless but WILL be totally devastated. A partner needs to have their same passion or else forget it, that breakup will be ugly.

Leo moon (7H): This person is probably stunning but sucks all the oxygen out of the room without realizing it. Doesn’t know how to not be the center of attention, but wants their loved ones to be front and center with them. Needs adoration from a partner, probably prone to love bombing

Libra Mars (9H): okay this person is definitely stunning in a conventional sense. Also very witty and loves conversations. Needs needs needs social convention or would actually die. Wants to pretend they’re edgy (9H) but is unoriginal and follows fashion trends in their interest (e-girl as anarchist, for example)

Scorpio Mercury (9H): loves music and art in general. Is obsessed with music and accidentally good at art. Might practice either one and be great at them. Will find it easier to communicate via curated playlist, but will expect you to clearly share your feelings so they can feel safe and ✨artistically inspired✨ which will endear you more to them. Just… decide if that’s something you want in your life

Cap Venus (11/12H): LMAO. Not sorry. Convention convention convention, but expects you to “just know.” If you don’t have all of their same ideals they automatically will write you off. Probably always single but doesn’t think they’re the problem. Probably intrigued by being bullied if they’re attracted to you. Their clothes are always crisp and they expect the same attention to visual representation out of their circle. Won’t mean to but will probably think a lot of the world is beneath them: standards to the moon

I’m not too familiar with MC so I skipped that 🙃

[astro-chisme]

Hey!!!❤

Do you take requests??

I’m not super consistent but I’m curious!

[astro-chisme]

Queer Relationships & Mercury Retrograde, June 2021

Are you fighting over dumb shit because of Mercury retrograde or because you’re both lesbians?

[astro-chisme]

Sex with Mars Signs

1. Aries - good toxic sex. Everything is done well but only for their ego. Has minimal interest in cuddling if they aren’t in love with you. Doesn’t have the patience to lead you on, so will not talk to you after sex if they aren’t interested as it’s more fun to find a new one anyway. Flirts by giving you shit, turning everything into a game (and taking it way too personally when they win, but gracefully if they lose), and fucking on the first date

2. Taurus - thinks licking honey or peanut butter off of you sounds fun. Will literally devour you if they’re attracted, but you may feel like you were purchased by them to be enjoyed. You probably won’t mind. Cuddling is an excuse to touch you in other places. IMO most likely to be a misogynist, will be very old fashioned in pursuit and want you to dress either masc or femme to appreciate the full visual

3. Gemini - talkers! Cuddling is whatever. Will just talk straight shit the entire time; prepare to know their dirtiest thoughts while their hands work you or themselves. They’re not toxic, they’re just not into you. Their sin is they’re too busy intellectualizing their emotions that they, too, are also not sure why they’re playing games - or they’re very aware, which you won’t know but their friends will. A consistent memelord if interested in more, expect political commentary and sharing books as flirting

4. Cancer - hope you love head, cuddling, quiet missionary, and talking about your childhoods and watching old reruns in bed afterwards. Will assume you’re dating afterwards or at least will apply for the position. They flirt by folding your laundry while you’re at work and finding art that reminds them of you

5. Virgo - thorough and perfect technique. Does not open up so much as show you their feelings with their technique. Will pick little spoon position in hopes you like them but will stop once secure. Pretty sure you have to gently guide these folks if you want more

6. Leo - showy! Sex is only kinky if you make it theatrical with them. Would totally film a porno with you but would take it so seriously lmao - buy them a ring light to introduce the idea. Cuddling is a chance to show off how much they spoil you. Will put on a romantic performance if they’re into you

7. Libra - afraid of not looking pretty when they finish, has a hard time relaxing into things. Can be convinced to relax. Cuddling is only happening if you pass the ✨v i b e c h e c k✨ Would be super into a reciprocal home spa day as a 3rd date.

8. Scorpio - sex is the only time they’re self-assured and confident. Shy and awkward and socially clumsy in the streets, know how to seduce you also in the streets. Can make you wet with just a look, it’s pretty wild. Loves loves loves cuddling, hates hates hates asking for it. Will like to observe you from afar, won’t admit to this if they’re able. Is *shy* anxious and a little weird af. Their first move is to sting the threat making them feel anxious, but tbh this always backfires on them pretty much immediately. Instinctively seduces, will try to make the first move but it WILL be clumsy and awkward

9. Sagittarius - build a blanket fort in their bedroom and fuck them in it. Get high and go to the bookstore and come back and bang them again in the blanket fort. Get rid of the bed frame and turn your bedroom into a giant secret fort with the mattress having a tent over it. Loves the idea of cuddling but won’t be super into it. Wants to fall asleep talking to you, otherwise please leave lmao

10. Capricorn - loves cuddling. Probably more into gender swapping than comfortable admitting. If they see you as put together, they’ll carry a torch for you forever. Sex is a job, your pleasure is a job, and they want to do all jobs well. Amazing in bed because their pride is on the line if they can’t take care of you. Arrogant and uncompromising but my god the sex. Will be very formal in their pursuit (and cheap until they’re sure it’s mutual and serious, Jesus Christ).

11. Aquarius - exploratory sex. Wants to cuddle if they’re obsessed with you, otherwise indifferent. Will obsess over every sensation until they’ve figured each sensation out, but will never be satisfied and insist on larger data sampling. Will talk about existentialist ideas in the middle of the act but it’s foreplay. If they want more they’re just always around and don’t make you wait, which is better than roses imo. If they find you amusing they ✨🍄a d o r e🍄✨ you

12. Pisces - bottoms. Loves cuddling. Throw them down and rough and gag them and do things with them they never thought they’d allow but here they are begging for it. Romantic to the extent of never seeing you as an individual. Easiest to be toxic because they really don’t see it: Is totally content to make up your whole relationship together in their head and can’t compute their false reality apart from actuality. Really fun in bed though lol

[astro-chisme]

Dating Survival Tips for... Leo

1. Get ready to pump each other up. Massages. Traditional gender roles because theater, honey.

2. Capricorn wants you to be ambitious to help their ambitions. Leo wants you to be ambitious to help their appearance with you as Hollywood It Couple.

3. Stressing this for a reason, y’all: It almost doesn’t matter where your ambitions lie, a Leo will pump you up in public. In private, they’ll probably push you to go harder in your efforts. Think loving pageant parent and it’s close.

4. Sex is performance for each other. Throw yourself fully into your role!

5. Watch them take a $2 find and make it fashion. Then ask them how they did it. They’ll be more than willing to show you and to customize it for you, because if you look better, they look better.

6. Always flatter them. In public and in private are equally important to these folx.

[astro-chisme]

Dating Survival Tips for... Gemini

1. This is either on or not. A Taurus can be too lazy to look around; an Aries will tell you outright what you’re in for. Gemini wants to be entertained and in control. Control is an illusion, but their bad rep comes from their ability to spin it.

2. Now that we’re done with the scare tactics: communication. Literally any form of it is the perfect way to flirt. Think texting, phone calls, phone sex, nudes, random photos in general, memes, Snapchat, gifs, handmade cards, post-it notes, other random notes - everything. If this isn’t a constant fluttering between you, it’s probably not on.

3. Hanging out will involve a lot of banter back and forth. It’s either exhausting or it’s not. Love-love-loves long phone calls, FaceTime calls, or Skype calls.

4. Sex: Might actually be quiet. Sex, if they’re in love, may be the one time you get their silent depths. If it’s not important to them, though, expect a lot of dirty talk and power plays they don’t really mean. Can be super into experimenting, but probably prefers to be “bottom” as I don’t see these folx wanting to get their hands dirty. Pun intended.

5. Will be able to charm your mom, but your dad probably won’t 100% like or trust them.

[astro-chisme]

Dating Survival Tips for... Taurus

1. They know they’re wrong. They’re just not going to admit to it until they trust you.

2. Seriously, cannot stress this enough. They know. They’re listening to what you want. They will just try to adapt to what you’re telling them than admit to having been wrong.

3. Yes, it’s a huge shock to them when they figure out it doesn’t work without apologizing. On that note —-

4. Be patient!

5. Be clear! You kinda gotta outline things for them. Somehow think of technical writing but for your feelings.

6. They forget to tell you how they feel about you, because they’re busy showing you how they feel. It might be in what they buy for you, but it will definitely be in how they touch you. It will hurt their feelings to tell them they never say how they feel because of this, but it’s not necessarily a bad reminder for them if this is something you need.

7. Sex from an adoring Taurus is unbeatable.

8. When they finally do open up, their words are tender though plain. Don’t expect complex poetry, but don’t be surprised if you get “you’re brilliant” out of seemingly nowhere. They’re thinking many more words that are trapped in the visual of the way you touch your hair when you’re thinking or some other little habit you have.

[astro-chisme]

Dating Survival Tips for... Aries

1. I know she sounds mad when you beat her at a game. She isn’t. She’s admiring your besting her.

2. If she calls you a cunt, she’s flirting hard.

3. Never throw the game: whether that’s a board game, card game, or seduction.

4. PDA is brief and sincere. Think small hand squeezes and quick kisses. He probably won’t be crazy cuddly, but he can’t stand rejection.

5. Fire is quick to burn bridges. Don’t trust an Aries who says they want to come back, because once burned, the feelings - while maybe not the memories - are ash. When their commitment is real, they just kind of... wait for you to be less mad, and stick around you. Sort of exactly like Taurus. This almost never happens, which is opposite of Taurus.

6. An evolved Aries is genuinely charming. They’re able to find the freshest perspective on everything, and their smiles are the sunrise crowning the shoreline.

[astro-chisme]

Just wanted to say thank you so much for the astro content!!! I love the way you write!😍🥰❤️❤️

Yay! That’s so sweet! Thank you 🥰☺️☺️☺️

[astro-chisme]

Sex with... Pisces

Your body is covered in hidden gang tattoos commemorating the first time you felt you belonged, experienced ink in less experienced art shading and blending perfectly with skin like Georgia clay. Hair buzzed evenly to show subtle definition of skull. Your fingers are slender and long, the shape of your nails adding a gentle curve to them that looks almost musical. You like them, but you remember seeing them balled into fists, flecked with blood; and you liked that, too.

You’re in this woman’s apartment and she’s giving you shit for something you said earlier that was probably sexist but she can’t get mad at you for your feelings. You’re forced to sheepishly admit your don’t know how to do a task, but she coaches you through it. You learn.

You grab her ass when she kisses you. This female totally wants this, but she keeps trying to play you. You snap at her, ready to put her in her place. She tells you, “I’m not ready for that. Why can’t I just kiss you because you’ve been sweet!?” Her edge has left entirely, and you can’t remember the last time someone wanted to kiss you for the way you always pay attention to people’s emotions, or the way you blush at a compliment. Your edges melt onto the floor, and you smile.

You tell her about gang life, and leaving it. She strokes your arm while you talk, sitting behind you. You’re afraid to put your hand on hers, but she feels it hovering when she pulls her hand away.

Your hands are sliding up and down her hips while she straddles your stomach. You smile when she blows a raspberry on your cheek. Your fingers that used to ball into fists are now carefully tracing the soft lines that are beginning to form at the corners of her mouth, while hers are tracing the ones forming at the corners of your eyes.

You are remembering every detail.

[astro-chisme]

[astro-chisme]

Mars in Gemini... Dating a Venus in Gemini

1. Did you meet online?

I wasn’t about to be a 30 year old navigating lesbian dating for the first time like I’m 23 and patient (yo, fellow Aries/Mars in Gemini). She owns her own business and was using it as an efficient way to get laid without much effort in needing to meet people (Taurus!/Venus in Gemini).

2. Unlimited minutes

We talk. We never not talk. If we disagree on something, we just stay up and miscommunicate on it. Stay up and hash out the miscommunication. Try to find new and better ways to get through to each other while also hearing the other.

We send each other memes if it gets too quiet. We send each other voice recordings if it’s too long to text. She sends me photos and videos of her day at work.

I tell her I adore her. I write her small poems to make her smile. She spends hours trying to explain why she adores me, and I’ll wake up to this huge list.

She just texted me while I was typing this all out.

3. Miscommunication

We fight to win, but we’re working on trusting the other so we can fight things together and discuss with each other. She’s tenacious af, and I’m a sucker for tenacity.

4. What do you read?

Sharing and discussing literature is a favorite past time. She’s also trying to convert me to Communism and Anarchy (Her Mars is in Aquarius... so).

5. Near, far

Too busy to see each other? We’re on the phone just chatting or just staying on the phone while we each do our own thing.

Next to each other? We’re cuddled on the couch and maybe a little high or maybe not and talking about nothing.

Fall asleep on the phone or while texting each other? Solid shot one of us will leave the other with a love note or something to wake up to.